Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Grieving a loss/consoling


I have written of how Nellie, Vi’s mum passed away on Sunday afternoon. She was in a room surrounded by family. Vi was actually laying on the bed beside her, holding her. She passed very peacefully. Nellie is at rest, at peace  in a much better place. The hurt, the pain and the grief are left behind for family and loved ones to deal with. I just do not have the words to describe the emotions that filled that hospital room. Nellie was a grand Lady and will be missed by many.

At a time like that how do you console someone? I realize I don’t have a clue. At that time words have no meaning. It seems all I could come up with anyway was little physical actions, hugs, holding a hand, gently rubbing a back. If anyone has any further suggestions I am all ears.

Nellie will be laid to rest in Thompson, a city which is about an 8 hour drive away. Vi and sister Kim went on Monday so as to be there when Nellie arrived. Family has been gathering here in Winnipeg with quit a large group hitting the highway yesterday. The wake is today with the funeral tomorrow.

through all of this my biggest desire is to comfort and support Vi in any way I can, ease the load, the burden she is currently carrying. How to do that is the biggest question for me.   A good question would be if you want to ease her burden/comfort her, why are you at home in Winnipeg while she is away preparing for, dealing with and then going through her mother’s funeral. Fair question as that is one that I am struggling with myself. I feel I should be there for her and am feeling down and in quite a funk because I am not.

OK, we have known for some time that this was going to be coming. For me not to go was a thought that had never entered my head. That is until several weeks ago when Vi suggested I stay home. Why? The time in Thompson would be a mad house, so many people so much activity,  so many tears, much pain it would be all she could handle. she would have lots of support her 4 kids, 8 brothers and sisters and likely hundreds of others. If I were to actually be there it would add to her burden with worrying about me. Was I getting my proper rest, had I taken another fall, did I have any chest pain, how raspy or gurgly is my breathing, how much stress was I taking on with everything happening. When she first suggested that, it took me off guard totally by surprise. Over the past couple of weeks it was suggested a couple of more times, then flat-out requested for all of the reasons above.

So while there she is surrounded by loving support and as she pointed out to me, it will be after it is all over and everyone else has returned home that she will be turning to me for the support.

I want what ever makes it easiest for her so here I sit at home.

It is strange, this is a time that is not about me and should not be about me. Now don’t take me wrong my heart and feelings go out to the family. Yet, here I sit I suppose feeling some of the poor me’s in that all this health stuff,  my limitations are keeping me from where I should be. I think I just need a good slap on the side of the head

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4 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Grieving a loss/consoling

  1. BC says:

    Sometimes, doing what’s best for everyone else means foregoing what might be best for yourself. The fact that you can do that is something to be proud of. That probably doesn’t help much at the moment but… well… there it is. 😉

    Cheers

    BC

  2. Betty says:

    Bill the best decision was made and there is no need to feel guilty. Vi is with her family and they will comfort each other. Just the trip to Thompson could be more than exausting for you. You will be needed by Vi once she returns home and reality sets in. Gentle hugs and a shoulder to cry on will be for you to provide. The important thing is the respect you had for Nellie and all the visits you shared with her. Pray for Nellie, and for Vi and you will see that you will feel better.

  3. Mel says:

    *sigh* That had to be hard, setting aside your desire to be present to honour Vi’s request…..and hard to hear what her stressors are and would be.

    Rest easy knowing she’s surrounded by family who’ll walk through it with her. And she’s right….it’s that ‘after the busy-ness’ when your support will need to kick in the most. The holidays are coming–it’s just been made tougher.

    I know you ‘get it’. I also know it’s gotta hurt your heart…….

  4. Dorothy says:

    Think of it this way,,she is going to need you when all the going thru the motion things are done and she’ll need you hale and strong. She most likely knows the strain it will put on you and cannot afford to have you weakened when she’ll need you most.

    I can understand her reasoning cause i have preped my family in New york for this day for me when my Jim passes,,being all the way opver in Oregon they wanted to come out now knowing how much i am struggling emotionaly, but all of his brothers and sisters are staggering their visits so i have plenty of phyiscal help now. but when the time comes i am going to need my emotional support heavily (which is by far my personal family) and i don’t want them so stressed out by then that I become a hardship on them as well.

    My thoughts are though, about how you are getting to grieve over this loss, cause it is so much of a loss to you as well knowing you have connected with Nellie in this special way,,all i can offer with this being your so far away is the hopes of knowing we are here and will be for what ever you need. you are a beacon for all of us here,,My sympathies to you and your family.

    Dorothy

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