Dying Man’s Daily Journal – LIFE

April 29, 2013

I am feeling good, life is good and I am so grateful for every moment of it. Went to the hospital for blood work this morning early this afternoon some time they will be calling to tell me if they want any adjustments to my blood thinning medications. They are keeping a very close eye on that wanting it to be as thin as possible with consideration being given to the size of some of those little veins it must now flow through. Blood clots are a major concern and am on anti clotting medications. All this simply means I bleed and bruise much easier which is a nuisance but, hey, if this is what it takes, not a big deal. Part of the blood thinning medication includes 2 needles, I give myself in my stomach which is no big deal at all but the injection does cause bleeding both internally and externally. Considering the benefit again it is a small price to pay. My stomach from the belly button downward is on massive big bruise (the internal bleeding). Externally I will think I have the bleeding under control and just carry on with what ever. Not that easy, have gotten a fair amount of blood on 2 shirts and a pair of jeans.
Now that all may sound like I am whining or complaining but really I am not, I am just explaining what is going on. I am just so happy to be alive that anything like that doesn’t even register as the slightest of bumps on the highway of life and nor should it.
The thought just hit me as I am sitting here, of how much my thinking has been changed. i just have to laugh now at how ridiculously serious I used to take things. There was a day and not that long ago that I would have been upset, I mean blood over 2 shirts and a pair of jeans how annoying is that. Now, it is just, Vi is very good with the laundry and she may get those stains out but if not, oh well not a big deal.
What would be your thoughts if that happened to you?
Just noticed add bed sheets to list of bloodied things

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – I’m home

April 26, 2013

I do thank all for all the support and prayers. I am home a little bruised and battered but am doing well. Everything went pretty much as expected. An angioplasty was preformed with a stent implanted clearing one blockage. Also as expected the doctor was unable to do anything with the other blockage, the artery is 100% blocked. He though did say he believes he can clear it in a longer more complicated procedure. Now that is good news for sure. I will be advised of dates in the near future by expect it mid to late June.
I had always been of the thought that a total blockage resulted in an immediate heart attack, not necessarily so. Each of the larger arteries have a lot of much smaller arteries running off of them. There are times when these smaller arteries wander off and ultimately rejoin the main artery at a point down the line. This is my case those tiny even minuscule arteries are what are keeping me going as they on their own actually by pass the blockage. To me this is amazing. While not a permanent solution, will I hope continue to do the job until the proper measures can be taken

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My Feelings

April 23, 2013

I just noticed the time. If all goes according to schedule this time tomorrow I will be on the operating room table. I am so looking forward to getting this over with.

i have been spending time just thinking about my life. What am I most grateful for? That is so obvious my daughters have been such a wonder in my life. Billie, Shauna I love you so much. I always have and always will be so very proud of you. The good Lord was certainly smiling down on me as He blessed me with each of you. I am so blessed, I know and appreciate that.

through you the blessings have just kept coming. Three grand daughters, my amazing little princesses the pride and joy you have brought to my heart. I love you so much, more than you can imagine. Princess Sage, Princess Emery and Princess Malieka you are a grandpa’s dream come true. Now princess Sage a while back we had a conversation in which you said you are not really a princess because to be a real princess you had to be the princess of “somewhere”. Do you remember what I said to that. My heart is somewhere and you will always be the princess there.
Rob and Jake my two son-in-laws, what can I say. I am so very happy and proud to have each of you as part of my family.
Vi what a rock you have been for me. At my side as we have faced each challenge head on. Day by day you are there never complaining as you have been forced to take on more and more as my physical limitations have decreased. With out you, your loving support and encouragement I have no doubt I would not be here today. What can I say but I love you and thank you. Those few words seem like a pretty feeble attempt at expressing my feeling but I am at a loss for words to say all I feel. I trust you know what is in my heart.
I seem to have tired myself out, nap time is feeling really appealing. I am suddenly feeling I have so much more to say to my best buddy Seth. To Sadie and all of Vi’ children and grandchildren. When Vi and I first got together all those tears back, we each had children from previous relationships. On both sides the kids were already grown. Now back then I thought of her grand kids as my step grand children. Some how with the passing of time the word step when it comes to the grand kids as disappeared from my thoughts.
Unless you are a blogger, I don’t think you can understand the depth, the reality of these cyber relationships. The bonds of loving support that develop as we accompany each other on this leg of life’s journey. The degree of comfort and support given and received is beyond measure. I have been blessed beyond belief by all of you my cyber friends, I just don’t have the words all that is in my heart.
Hmm, Vi just read this and says it sounds like I am saying good bye. I prefer to think of it as me just taking the chance to express my feelings.
Yes, I will be gone from the blog for at least a few days but I WILL BE BACK

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

April 22, 2013

Again I do thank all for all the loving and supportive comments. I do read and appreciate all.

Some have expressed concern over my stress levels and how I am dealing with it. Now as hard as I try to reassure her Vi is worried sick. We work as a team, I take care of some things, she takes care of others. OK, she is taking care of the worrying, I know that part is being dealt with so I don’t have to bother with it. That actually, as silly as it sounds is sort of the way it is working.

i really am not concern with the up coming angiogram/angioplasty. I have been there and done that. It is what comes after, which will be base entirely on what they see when they have that camera in my heart. This time the day after tomorrow we will know.
I really don’t know how much time I do have. What I do know is I want to get as much living as I can out of it.
Reality is I can’t help but be apprehensive, I know that. I think you would maybe be in denial if you didn’t accept/realize the seriousness of all of this. What I have become pretty good at is giving myself 15 or 20 minutes in the morning to, yes, feel a little sorry for myself. I am not sure if feel sorry for myself is the correct wording. It is the time I allow myself to grieve. People grieve when they suffer a loss or are facing a loss. I see facing you own passing is a very good reason to grieve.
It is like I need to get those feelings out, acknowledge them but then try to put them away for the rest of the day. How can I truly live my precious life (it is precious to me) if my head is all clogged up worrying and fretting over something that I can not control.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Believe

April 21, 2013

I am doing well. Yesterday even went grocery shopping with Vi. I am not good at walking distances but having the shopping cart to lean on made it a lot easier. Costco is a huge store and normally Vi would get in there and wander, browse and shop for hours. She enjoys that and I am sure she likely checks every isle. She always returns with way, way more than was on the list.
We joked after that was likely her quickest shop ever, it was fun. Usually she goes alone for that very fact, she likes ti wander and browse. I guess it is a male/female thing. Even when I had the stamina a shopping trip for me was into the store, buy what I need and gone ASAP and women wonder why us “poor guys” often can’t understand them. Lol.
I do thank all for all the kind, loving and supportive comments. I do read them daily and am so grateful for each and everyone.
I received an email with such a wonderful little poem that I just have to share it. It contains my thoughts but written in a manner far beyond me. I am not sure of the origins or credit would be given:

In your own heart that something
Wonderful is about to happen.
Love your life
Believe in your own powers
Believe in your own potential
Believe in your own goodness
Wake up every morning with
The awe of being alive &
Live this day well!!!!!

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Living/Loving Life

April 20, 2013

I was at the hospital this morning for more blood work. I take a major blood thinner, which reduces the clotting ability of the blood, which in turn makes it more difficult to stop bleeding. With the upcoming procedure they will be cutting into a major artery being able to stop it bleeding afterwards if kind of a big deal. They are taking me off the warfarin (blood thinner) and replacing it with a needle. Huh, can’t remember what the name of that drug is. Have to just jab myself in the stomach with will be no big deal.
A thought hit me, I have in the last few posts been writing about the medical conditions but not really about how I am doing, which really is just fine. OK, yes it was a little lonely while Vi was gone. If anyone is picturing some poor guy just laying on his bed full of fear, worrying and fretting about what is to come, that is not me. I can’t say it is not getting to me a little bit. It is more like a nagging little tooth ache. You know it is there but it doesn’t really stop you. I don’t know if that is a good comparison or not but at the moment it is the best I can come up with.
I am a truly blessed and lucky man and I know it and appreciate it.
If not daily then very close to it I get to face time (like skype) with both of my daughters and beautiful little princesses, how special is that. I spend a lot of time playing words with friends (scrabble) with family online.
I get out when I can. About a week or so ago I wrote a post, thought I had posted but find I saved it instead. I talked about the excitement of going to a hockey tournament. I made it to 3 or the 4 games. Now this was a pretty special and exciting tournament. The Thompson Knights were in town playing against a number of Winnipeg teams. All of the players on all of the teams did a fantastic job and I congratulate them all. Now I do have to say there was one player that caught my eye in particular, #10 for Thompson. The way he flashed up and down the ice was a sight to behold, showing great determination and team work, I was down right proud of him. Yes, he did spend a little time down on his bum but no more than the rest of the players, future stars all of them. The games were great to watch, very entertaining.
The teams may have been slightly below NHL levels but with their level of excitement it didn’t matter. The action often had the crowd on their feet cheering. What level were these dynamos. In the 6-7 year old group. Who was that amazing #10 grand son Seth. Two wonderful days.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Pre-Op

April 18, 2013

Yesterday I went for the pr-op and have to say I am much more at ease after that meeting.Now I have undergone 4 or 5 angiogram/angioplasties in the past and that part of the procedure doesn’t concern me in the slightest. Remember I have no medical training of any sort and am describing things as I understand them. I had even requested that the pre-op instead of being an explanation of the general procedure (which I am very familiar with) be specific to my situation.

Cousin Maggie accompanied memory guy for which I am very grateful and thank her very much. I think the term memory guy explains why I requested her to be there. Apparently I have 3 blockages which are of concern. Now all the tests and scans give the doctors a very good idea about what is going on. But, nothing is definitive until they get into the heart and actually take a look (angiogram). What they expect to find based on the scans etc. is that 2 of the blockages will likely be able to be treated with the angioplasty. In simple terms they use a balloon to open up the blockage and then insert a small bit of tubing to hold it open. Now up to that point I am not bothered or worried in the slightest. Been there done that. If anyone out there may be facing and angiogram/angioplasty that the doctors tell you they can clear, technology has advanced to the point it is not even worth worrying about.

Some blockages based on size or location can not be opened with an angioplasty. That has been my concern. About 3 years ago I was told of a blockage that was deemed to be to high risk to deal with and apparently still is, at least based on images from the scans etc.. This is the one that I have been concerned about. In the angiogram the doctor will be taking a first hand direct look at it. As I understand it after the fact a panel of heart surgeons will meet to discuss and decide what if anything can be done.

Vi got home last night after spending a week away with her son who under went his own open heart surgery. I am so happy to say all went well and he is recovering nicely. Poor Vi was caught in a real hard place wanting to go and be with her son as he faced his surgery and being here with me. Bluntly, I wanted her to go knowing she would be back before my procedure. Your kids are still your kids no matter their age. I really am glad she went but I am even more glad she is back. I am not totally bed ridden or anything like that and as I am a big boy, I can fend for myself, cooking and all of that. Now i have said of how dying is a lonely experience. Actually, it did surprise me at how that did get to me this past week

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Special Prayer Request

April 16, 2013

When I got home from the hospital yesterday, I flipped on the TV and was just shocked at the events in Boston.

I ask for prayers please for any and all affected in anyway.

With every day that goes by I am appreciating the preciousness of life more and more. I really am at a loss for words.

Dying Man’s Daily journal – Dates are set

April 15, 2013

One of the life lessons I definitely need to learn is patience. Patience with other people no problem, patience with waiting, hum, more of a problem. I was told I was placed on an urgent list for a heart procedure. Now to be clear I have nothing but wonderful things to say about our Canadian Heath Care system. Our medical care is free of charge, you really can’t beat that price. With out that system with all the wonderful doctors, nurses and medical staff, well let’s face it I would not be here today. i know i have an issue in waiting particularly when I am facing something like this. I am more of a “let’s just do it and get it over with kind of guy”. We get back to that old, the world doesn’t revolve around me thing.
Actually I have know the dates for close to a week now but have tried to keep quiet about them at least until after step son Dave”s open heart surgery was completed and he is well on the road to recovery. no sense adding extra worry. It is strange you know it is coming but some how it remains almost like an abstract thought or something until the dates are set. Suddenly then it becomes very real.
Well it is real and the wait hasn’t been that long.

Today I go for blood work. Plus I am on a fairly high dosage of warfarin a major blood thinner to reduce the risk of blog clots in my system. A side effects is that it increases your chances of bleeding and with out that ability to clot the bleeding is much harder to stop. Now that is something they do not want when you are heading into surgery. I have an appointment at the clinic where they are going to take me off the warfarin, replacing it with a needle I will be needing to inject myself with. I will have more details on that this afternoon.

Wednesday is the pre-op clinic where my questions will be answered as they explain the procedure.I have had the angiogram and angioplasty before and I know from the patients point of view they are not a big deal. my questions go beyond that.

The actual procedure is set for the 24th which is Wednesday of next week. i have to be at the hospital for 6:00am with the procedure scheduled or 7:00am.

It is all in God’s hands.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

April 13, 2013

I have spent the past while reviewing my life and well life in general. I know I have made a lot of mistakes over the years and seemingly too often didn’t take the time to learn from those mistakes at the time. If we don’t learn from our mistakes we are most likely bound to repeat them. Some we repeat over and over again until we are finally able to learn the life lesson we needed to prevent us from making that mistake in the first place. It seems once we learn that lesson those issues, problems, challenges in life will just disappear never to return.
One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn is that the world does not revolve around me, in spite of the fact that so very often I seem to think it should. I can only imagine many will read this and just shake their heads, like come on who could be egotistical enough to think the world would revolve them, that is just stupid. You know what you are right it is stupid. Yet, to some extent I believe we are all guilty of that. Now just think about it.

Now I am just trying to imagine what life would be like if the world did revolve around me. I suppose that would mean everyone would see me as being very special and would devote their lives to making my every wish come true. All lives would be lived based on how people would feel I would want them to live their lives. They would be totally at my beck and call at all times. Wow, what power, what control that would give you. Imagine if every person with out fail every time did everything exactly as I wanted them to, if ever situation worked out exactly as I wanted it to. I would control everyone and everything.
Wait that kind of power would make me almost God like. That statement right there most certainly eliminates me from any chances of ever having such power and really I wouldn’t want it.

I think it is fair to say that stress causes us our biggest hardships in life. It is not other people, events, circumstances or anything else that causes us that stress it is how we react to any given situation. It is not the situation, it is how we react to it that causes the stress. The stress comes when someone or something within our little world did not comply with our expectations. Someone does something that we “know” to be stupid, immature and whatever. We become upset because we “know” that action was stupid, immature or what ever and we become upset and get stressed. Why? Because someone did something or something happened in our little world that was not according to what we wanted or even Expected. Oh, they are bad, bad, bad for not living their lives according to our expectations. How often do we feel we have to show our wisdom (control) by jumping into someone elses live to point out their mistakes and fix it for them only to feel even more upset and stressed our “wisdom” is not appreciated or even wanted. How do we react to that, by getting even more stressed. “I told them what to do and they just won’t listen (control) and the stress multiplies.

There are somewhere around 7 billion people in this world, living 7 billion individual lives. We have to realize we have no business, no right to interfer in the lives of others. Let that go and so much stress will just fall away. OK, naturally I am not talking about parents raising children. Even that though must stop when the children become adults.
Does any of this make sense?
Let go and let God