Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Happy Halloween

October 31, 2009

I love halloween. It is such an exciting time for the young ones. I enjoy going to the door, seeing the various costumes and handing out the treats.

I pray it is a fun filled, happy and safe time for all.

Well tomorrow is my big day. It is the 6th anniversary of the date the doctor told me I might have 2 years left and that was if I was lucky. Now that is a big reason for me to be celebrating.

Another reason to celebrate is I realize it is just over 3 years that I have been poking away here, sharing my rambling on this blog. A third anniversary, another reason to celebrate.

Plus, I see we are zooming in on 220,000 hits. Yikes more than I ever imagined that would be possible.

I do hope many will be joining me as I celebrate my life. It is my hope that as you join me you will be seeing it as a time to celebrate your own life. Life should be celebrated every day is a gift not a given.

Let’s please celebrate the wonders of our own lifes by going out and specifically performing one extra act of kindness. For whom the act is performed doesn’t matter, what the act is, how big or small it is doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we do something that comes straight from the heart a gesture of love and good will towards another.

As I think of celebrating the wonder experience this past 3 years of blogging has been. It gives me one of those reality checks I seem go get or maybe need every once in a while. I know I have written about my memory, it sucks and seems to be getting worse. I am embarrassed to say I even look at the contact list in my email and there are many name I just can’t remember. I know there have been so very many special times here and I also know so many I have forgotten. If you have any special memories please share them with me.

My tomorrows post I hope to have up later this evening. I will be on line from 9:45 until noon my time. I am not sure if it will work with time delays etc. but I hope we can celebrate together even if we are thousands of mile apart.

At exactly 10:00am I will be saying my prayer of thanks and drinking a toast to the well being of all.

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Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Spirits from the after life??

October 28, 2009

This is a little bit of a different post. Some very unusual things have happened since we began the kitchen reno.

I have written of how “I” undertook the task of demolishing and removing the existing cabinets and counter to prepare for the new. I put “I” in quotations as I did have a “little” help.

The existing cabinet were beautifully hand made by a real craftsman. The work, the detail that went into them was far beyond anything you would get today. Hours and hours of pains taking labor went into the construction. The problem was they were worn and tired after 60 years of use. It was time to replace them.

As I began to take them down, strange things began to happen.

Because of the way they were constructed, it was impossible to take the cabinets down in sections it was a board by board process. As I approached the cabinets, hammer in hand to take down the very first board, I suddenly felt an extreme chill and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I could have sworn I heard the word NO coming from somewhere. I looked around and saw a near by window was partially open. I put it down to being a gust of wind coming in and carried on. Now I am not so sure.

It is now a day or two later. Ladders and I do not get along well together. My balance is way off and I have been known to take the super speedy way down from a ladder. I want to get up to kneel on the counter top to give me better and easier access to the cabinet. I had my left foot on the second rung of the ladder and was in the process of placing my right knee on the counter. As I am doing this, I felt a distinct tug on the back of my belt. Not a violent tug but one strong enough to throw off my balance and put me back on the floor. At the time again I just put the “tugging” on my belt as being my imagination and that it was my balance that put me down. Except:

Now first off I have to explain. I was wearing what I call my work jeans. They are a little big on me and I have to wear a belt. If I am not wearing the belt they tend to droop way more than I am comfortable with.

OK, when I came off the ladder, I realized I had put in my 5 minutes of work and was huffing and puffing like a steam engine. I needed a break to catch my breath. I decided to go out on the front step. As I get there though, I realize I have my droopy drawers thing going on. I think I just need to tighten the belt by one notch.

Now this is the strange part. I found my belt was completely unbuckled which explained the droopy drawers, how it got unbuckled I don’t know. Wearing these pants I would definitely have noticed this before. What was even stranger was the belt buckle itself. I am not sure what it is called but the tine, the little stick thing that sits on the top, goes through the hole in the leather and rest on the top of the metal part. It had reversed positions. It was not longer on the top of the buckle it was not underneath it. Try as I might I could not get it back to the top, I twisted it and did everything I could think of It would not go. Now if I can’t force it back into place when I have the belt off, how did it manage to change  position while I had the belt on????

Also, twice now the radio has turned itself on. Now it is just a plain radio, no fancy timers nothing like that. The first time it happened was in the middle of the night. I didn’t actually hear it, when I am asleep I don’t hear much of anything. It was loud enough that it woke Vi, who then went and turned it off. The next morning she was telling me about this and of how strange it was. Right then almost on cue the radio again came on and was quite loud. There was no one else in the house and the radio was in an entirely different room than the one in which we were sitting????

Things that make me go, huh.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Day to celebrate/appreciate life

October 27, 2009

Every day we life is a gift, not a given. It is something we should realize and appreciate everyday. The the human body, the human mind is such an intricate design it is beyond belief. It is so durable, so reliable we take it for granted. It is so durable, yet life can be so fragile and can be gone in a second.

Daily we hear of people killed in automobile accidents or in hundreds of bizarre or unexpected ways. When those people awoke those days, do you think anyone of them could have imagined what was instore for them that day? I some how don’t think so, instead I imagine they just took it for granted they were taking life for granted.

As we rush through our busy lives we take so very much for granted. what I think is the most sad of all is taking health and family for granted and we are all guilty of that. There are thousands of other things in our daily lives. I could go on with an almost endless list, but instead will give just one example that I hope will illustrate the point I am trying to make. If you are realing this you are on a computer. I am not even going to get into how amazing computers or this whole internet thing are. I am going right to the basic, you have electricity.  It is an essential to our lives, it heats our homes, lights our homes, allows us to cook our food……. We have it and take it for granted and not appreciate it for one of the gifts we have in our lives, we are the lucky ones, a large portion of the world’s population don’t heve what we take for granted.

Now, as I see it, Thanksgiving is a day set aside to appreciate the wonders in our lives. Now I am speaking only for myself here. For me in the past usually Thanksgiving was nothing more than a gathering of family and sometimes friends. Now that in itself is wonderful. As I think back I realize for me, it was more a party with family and again that is wonderful. But, the “thanks” part, the gratitude part was missing at least in my heart. Often someone would say a prayer giving thanks just before the big meal. Usually, even during that my thoughts were elsewhere, on the meal itself or things I had to or wanted to do while we were all together. Why did I have to hear the words, “you are dying” before my heart was seemingly able to be truly grateful or for my mind to appreciate all that is in my life.

I remember a few times when someone would call on us all to say something that we were grateful for on that day. I think most if not all responded with it being family and again I think that is wonderful. That was always my answer and I meant it. Why is it that so very often it seems that recognition and gratitude of family seems to only last for those few short moments?

In my ususal rambling way I have finally reached the main point I am trying to make in all of this.

I am a very lucky man and I know it. The Good Lord smiled down on me when He gave me the family I have and all the people I have in my life, that most certainly includes all of my dear blogging friends. I am so very grateful for and do appreciate eveyone and every thing. (even electricity).

Let’s for a moment assume you are aware of and do appreciate everything you do have in you life. Again, let’s take it back to the most basic thing of all. Everything I have talked about are things in your life, they are not your life. Have you ever given any thought of gratitude for the basic fact that there is life in your body. Without that spark of life, you simply would not be here to enjoy or appreciate all of the rest.

On a daily basis life is a gift not a given.It is the most wonderful gift of all for without it nothing else matters. Again, it took hearing the words, you are dying before I could come anywhere near realizing or appreciating that.

If we could somehow come to realize and appreciate the value of this wonderful gift, the gift of our own lives, would we live it differently?

The ideal is obviously to be able to appreciate life while in good health. Poor health cam make things so much more difficult but does not mean we have to stop living or appreciating life.  As long as there is a spark of life left in this body of mine, I will appreciate it and live it to the fullest.

Please help me celebrate our lives on November 1st.


Dying man’s Daily Journal – What it feels like to die

October 25, 2009

Here on the blog I can read the words that various people have typed into a search engine by which they have found me. So very often there are words searching for information on what it feels like to die. What the experience will be like, the passing from the physical to the Spiritual Worlds.

Now that is something none of us will ever know for sure until we actually do experience it. Obviously, I have never experienced it, but have come close several times. So close that well after the fact I learned later that the doctors had not thought I would make it.

My second heart attack was a big on that resulted in open heart surgery. It was a very cold evening in 11/94. Back in those days I was physically in good shape, was actually out power walking with my ex.. The heart attack put me down on the icy side walk, ironically right in front of a police station. Now it is not that you get to choose where you will have a heart attack. Now if you could, in front of a hospital would be first choice. Wouldn’ t you think though that being in front of a police station a pretty good spot in which you could get help. WRONG, I will get into that someday or maybe I already have, can’t remember.

Anyway, most of it I don’t remember as I suppose I was in and out of consciousness. I was on the ground for about 45 minutes. There is though an event that happen twice or maybe 3 times. I remember lying on the ground having chest pain, but my biggest issue was breathing, I couldn’t seem to get my breath. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye that all changed.

I was still lying on the sidewalk all the pain was gone, breathing wasn’t even a thought. A wonderfully peaceful, serene indescribable feeling came over me. Now I did not see any lights or tunnels or anything like that. Now my ex was kneeling over me. What I did see was her face seemingly start to float away into the distance. I remember hearing her screaming at me to breathe but her voice was sort of echoy of something. Almost like it was coming through a steel drum or something. When I heard her voice I focused more on her fading face and when I did that suddenly boom. Her face seemed to come flying back at me and with it back came the pain and difficulty breathing.

How do I explain that, well I really can’t. Was I teetering on the doorway that separates the physical and spiritual worlds? I don’t know this for sure, but I do believe I was. In discussing it with her later I learned that each time she had screamed at me to breath it was because I had stopped breathing.

With my usual reminder that I am not a doctor, nor a man of the clergy, I am just a man sharing his personal thoughts and beliefs.

What the dying experience will be like “according to Bill”.

As we approach our final days, hours, minutes will there be pain? That will be determined by the illness, disease or condition that has taken us to that point. Our physical body feels the pain of what ever disease or injury that has brought us to that point. Our physical bodies are merely that which “houses” our souls, our spirit during our time on this earth. We are spiritual beings and the very second our spirit leaves the physical “housing” all pain and suffer immediately ends. At this point we begin to experience the ultimate beautiful experience.

I believe there is a short “transition” period. It is during this time that people that have experience near death experience talk of floating through tunnels etc..  This short time I believe will be one of awe and wonderment.

I need a physical reference to enable me to visualize it in my mind. I see it almost a stepping through a doorway. A door way from one world to the next. The stepping through the door way is what I refer to as the transition period. The physical disease has led me to the open doorway. In my case it is my heart. I see myself standing in front of this open door. As I step forward, my first step puts my foot on the edge. Possible even just my toes extending to the other side. This is the time at which all physical pain will be gone and the journey begins. In this it is like I see myself moving in super slow motion as I take that step totally through. It may take a couple of minutes to get completely through. But, at this point time is irrelevant to me as I feel no pain just a wonderful feeling of peace and love. It is during this time that back in the physical world the doctors may be zapping my chest to restart the heart. I see this interference from the physical world as possibly disrupting an other wise beautiful experience. This is why I have signed a DNR.

PS. Please check out my Oct. 19th post, I am still looking for gifts.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Liquid diet – geesh

October 23, 2009

Saw my doctor yesterday. He seems to think I have some sort of “nasty intesinal thing” going on. Tests being done.

That part I can handle no problem. Where I may have a problem is he wants a clear liquid diet for the next week, geesh. Clear liquids only for a week, hmm.

That destroys a “vision” I had in my head. Over the weekend the fridge and stove will be moved out of the kitchen for the reno. Now this is hopefully only going to be for a few days. Now the refrigerator has to go somewhere.

This was my vision. Picture me in the bedroom lying relaxed on the bed. Refrigerator stocked with goodies right beside me, what could be better than that. Oh, what would be better, picture coffee pot on the other side of the bed.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – I am alive celebration thoughts

October 22, 2009

I hope everyone joins with me in my “blog” party idea. What could possibly be a better thing to celebrate than “I am Alive”. I want all when they read that to see the word “I” as refering to themselves. We join together to celebrate we are alive.

I have been wracking my brain cell. (pretty sure I must only have about 1 brain cell left) How do you actually have a party when your guests are scattered all around the world in I don’t know how many different time zones.

So far I have come up with the idea, if we can’t be together physically, we can at least do something together, at the same time. That being that we all join together at the same time to say a short prayer, thanking God for the very fact we are alive. Life is a gift, not a given. Then to drink a toast to the health, happiness and general well being of all of mankind.

I have asked for any other suggestions on what I could do. My dear blogging friend Martha had a great suggestion. Invite all to send a picture of themselves. It would personalize it much more if we knew what each other look like. My picture is already up, on my about page. Please give it some thought.

Here is another “Bill” idea. I am not sure if am able to see comments posted in real time or if there is a time lag. Like wise I am not sure if my reply to comments would appear instantly as I post them or if there is again that time lag.  I will commit to being on line from at least 9:45am until 12:00 noon. Using the comments can we turn the blog into a temporary “chat” room, I don’t know, but we can try.

Any other ideas?


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Why stress myself or others

October 21, 2009

For reasons only known to our Heavenly Father, I have been given some “extra” time on this earth. I am at least trying to use some of that time to grow as a person. I had better quickly add that when I say grow I am talking of spiritual and emotionally. I can just hear family and friends jumping in saying:”Bill” take a look at your waist line. Are you sure you want to keep growing?” It is a struggle but I use the keep trying approach to it. Keep trying, keep poking away at it and results will eventually begin to show. Spiritual growth is not easily measured without some sort of an event or happening against which I can gauge my response today over what it likely would have in the past. I had such an event a week or so ago.

I was in one of those big stores that sell everything you could possibly need for any sort of home improvement or renovation.

Now I should explain I have always had what I suppose is a fascination with numbers. Maybe better put would be to say I like doing straight forward math in my head. Sort of a hobby I suppose. It was like a challenge, as I am standing in the check out line, I mentally add up the purchase and try to calculate the sales tax. It was like a challenge to see how close I could come to the actual total cost. I did get to be pretty good at it. Well, I often still try to do that. lol. I find of late my accuracy level has dropped a “bit”.

OK, I am in the check out line at the store. I have done my math. The total I know is about $60.00 add the tax and I am thinking it will be something less than $70.00. I am surprised when the cashier tells me it is $112.00. My thought is geesh was I ever out on that one. With the way this head of mine works these days miscalculations do seem to be the order of the day. I pulled out my debit card and paid for the items but as I did I commented that the total caught me by surprise, much higher than I thought. Now to her credit, the cashier immediately checked my sales receipt, even before giving it to me.

Now this is where the sage begins. The very first item I am being charged for is a can of paint. That is fine, except I didn’t buy any paint. The guy infront of me in line had purchased 3 or 4 cans of paint. Here is what happened. The scanners at the check out are very sensitive. As this other guy was picking up his paint he must have accidentally moved the can in such a way that the scanner picked it up again and registered it as my first purchase.

I am thinking” “oh well, things happen, it is lucky I am still right here in the store.” The lady was so nice and so very apologetic as she explained that as the transaction had been completed there was nothing she could do at her register to correct it. I am thinking: “huh, I have to go over to the returned items desk. To get a refund, I have to “return” a can of paint I never purchase in the first place”. Hmm.

The cashier phoned over so the lady at the desk was expecting me as I arrive sales receipt in hand. She is also very nice and very apologetic for the mix up. The first thing she asks me is, how would I like to receive the  refund? Funds deposited back into my bank account or by way of an instore credit. I would like the money deposited back onto my bank account or cash. I really don’t want an instore credit for something I didn’t purchase in the first place. She understands that and sets to work and work she did. Many times she tried to process it at her computer, she tried at other computers, she got others involved. Nothing they could do seemed to work. It seems the computers at the return desk don’t recognize a sales receipt from a transaction that happened only minutes before.

As I think of it maybe it is some sort of safe guard built into the system. I suppose it could be a little suspicious someone returning something they purchase mere minutes before. I don’t know about that. In my case I wasn’t actually returning anything. I wanted a refund after being charged for something I hadn’t purchased to begin with.

Now, there was a day and not all that long ago that I would have been really fired up over a situation like this. “YOU KNOW I DIDN’T BUY THAT DAMN CAN OF PAINT YOU CHARGED ME FOR. I WANT MY MONEY BACK”. That was the old me.

How did I react. I felt sorry for the poor young lady at the return desk. She was doing her best, she was really trying. I knew it wasn’t her, it was the computer system that was denying my request. I also saw her as a young lady, at work doing her best to get through her day. I could see her glancing at me every once in a while, a little nervously, like she feared I might explode in anger over it all. Now, I think why would I get upset with her? She was just doing her job as best she could. She isn’t responsible for store policy or the manner in which to computers are set up. She is just there trying to do her job to get upset with her would have been both unfair and pointless.

Was I in the slightest upset, no. Did I question store policy, yes. In the grand scheme of things how important was it. I knew it would be sorted out so I would be out no money so why sweat it. I could see this lady was stressing over really nothing that was really all that important.

I thought really this doesn’t have to be such a big deal. At the time she was at a different desk working away. I called her over and told her not to worry about it. She had mentioned several times she could give me a hand written instore credit. I realized if this wasn’t worth getting myself stress over, why should I stress someone else over it.

I got the credit, I know I will be back there within a few days, so what is the big deal.