I am feeling better today. For the past 5 or 6 weeks I haven’t been feeling all that spry. I do think the weather had a lot to do with it. We went through a long period of very hot and very humid weather. The humidity especially makes it more difficult to breathe. Thankfully in the past week temperatures have moderated and life is much easier. I hadn’t realized it or I suppose never thought of it, but with such a prolonged period of high humidity, that humidity eventually works it way into the house. At one point I even thought the thermostat on the air conditioner couldn’t be working properly as it always seemed so much hotter than what the temperature indicated. This all just seemed to suck every ounce of energy out of me.
Now that I am past it and the temperatures have moderated, I see it was actually a great learning experience for me. I can whine and cry about how unpleasant it was. Looking back now and seeing it for what it was in the over all scheme of things that is all it was “unpleasant” or “uncomfortable.” So many have it so much worse. I allowed merely feeling uncomfortable to drag my mood down. Looking back now I am almost embarrassed that I allowed that to happen. When I say allowed it to happen that is what I mean “ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN”. When I look at it, what did it take to bring me down, not much really in the overall scheme of things. I have to wonder why it is, my mood or spirits can drop with seemingly no effort on my part but then it takes work to get it back up. Well I am on the way back. New mind set: no damn heat or humidity is going to keep me down. Somehow, I have to question myself why is it only after the temperatures have moderated that I am able to think of this new mind set.
I truly have so much in my life to be grateful for. I know that and am so thankful, I am such a lucky man. How easy it is to loose sight of that, literally in the heat of the moment. So, so many have it so much worse than I.
OK, so the doctors have told me I am dying, so aren’t we all, just on a different time schedule. Some are even doing it on a time schedule similar to mine, but are in great pain and agony. I think a little heat and I allowed my spirits to sag, oh, what they must be going through. I can’t even begin to imagine. My prayers are with them, everyone.
This may sound strange but I am glad we had the heat and humidity and that it affected me in the way it did. It has proven to be very humbling to me and a great learning experience.
It has given me a new appreciation or possibly a little better understanding of what so many others are enduring. I don’t even want to think about what it would have done to me, if I had spent the past month in terrible pain.
I realize, I can write about this whole dying experience, but that I am doing it from a position of relative comfort compared to many others. Hey, maybe my memory issues are a good thing. I forget much of my journey. lol.
I look at my own condition and have to say “man oh man, I am so lucky”. I won’t go into the memory issues as they are pretty small in the overall dying thing.
My symptoms pale in comparison to so many, I am so lucky. OK, Four heart attacks and heart failure, I am constantly tired, (I have the luxury of being able to take a nap when ever I want to or need to), I get winded with physical exertion, (I have the luxury of being able to limit my exertions), I do get chest pain, (I have a little bottle of nitro and one or two spritzes of that take usually take away the pain), I have edema, I retain a lot or fluid (I have pills that make me pee to pass the fluid), I have a brain tumor (growing at such a slow rate it is inconsequential),I used to have seizures that would put me down on the ground ( medications have taken them away all together), I have sleep apnea ( I have my cpap machine), diabetes (controlled by medication).
Wow, I look at that list and I do have a lot of stuff going on. Understand, it is not intended as a poor me list or anything like that. If anything, I hope it shows that a person can live a relatively normal life, with so many different conditions if PROPERLY treated. Those are the key words properly treated.
I am back again, I think this is the first time a post has taken me 3 days to finish, with my little bit here and a little bit there way of writing.
I think I am rambling all over the place here. I think my point here was going to be that people can in fact live with a wide variety of conditions. Attitude and proper treatment can carry you a long way. Try an attitude of gratitude. Am I grateful to have any of my conditions, NO. But am I grateful help and treatment is available to me, YES.
I could easily fall into the poor me, why me, mode of thinking. Then I think, why not me? Every year a certain percentage of the population will be afflicted with every condition known. I believe God loves us all equally, so why would I expect He would spare me? What could make me think I am so special in His eyes that I should be spared over someone else? I am so grateful that I know though God’s guidance, individuals were able to find treatments, that allow me to live in my relative comfort. How can I not say a prayer of thanks.