Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Inspiring

March 28, 2010

First, I was dying to finish high school and start college. Then I was dying to finish college and start working. Then I was dying to marry and have children. Then I was dying for my children to grow old enough that I could go back to work. But, then I was dying to retire. Now I am dying….. and realize I forgot to live.

Please don’t let this happen to you. Enjoy your current situation and enjoy each day.

To make money we lose our health, then to restore our health we lose our money. We live as if we are never going to die, and die as if we had never lived.

I received that message in an email, author unknown or I would give due credit. This message really does strike a chord in my  mind and heart. Live life to its fullest for as long as we can, it is so worth it. Never give up on the full potential of life, it is amazing what you can do, irregardless of anything.

Now have I ever considered myself to be a bit of an idiot. Embarrassing as it may be, the answer is yes and this fact was really brought to my attention a couple of weeks ago. I had the pleasure of watching the paralympic on TV. Now I have know about these games for some time but have always just sort of blown them off. I mean people with disabilities can’t be real athletes can they? I mean I will save my viewing time for the real athletes at the real Olympics. Here is where the idiot part of me shows through so loud and clear. I WAS SO SO VERY WRONG!!!!

They are indeed wonderfully talented and skilled athletes. Beyond that they exemplify the strength of the human spirit to a level beyond anything I can imagine myself ever attaining. I am totally in awe of each and everyone of them.

What are just a couple of examples. Suppose at birth you are born with only one leg, or possibly lose a leg through an accident or what ever. Well I guess as sad as that is, you will just have to accept the fact that you will never be able to do something. Oh, things like say, skiing or maybe playing hockey. WRONG!!!!

Let’s suppose, oh say you are blind. A disability such as this very obviously prevent you from ever being able to take up skiing. WRONG!!!!

I think I saw parts of the Alpine skiing (down hill), biathlon, cross country skiing, wheel chair curling and sledge hockey.

Let’s talk about the alpine skiing for a minute. I think it was the last event I watched. Now I am not a skier and it looks hard to me. Maintaining your balance while flying down a hill at neck break speeds. Surely you need 2 legs to balance on the skies, plus 2 hands to hang on to the poles for extra balance, WRONG!!!

I admit when I first started watching the skiing, I was in a state of wonderment and awe. I would watch and see a one legged skier come blasting down the slope, then a one armed skier. Then they said they were switching over to the blind skiing, I mean come on, blind skiers are going to go down that slope, it can’t be!!!!! WRONG!!!!!!!

Now, I am not actually sure when it happened or even how it happened. At some point I realized I no longer saw a person with a disability, I just saw an athlete competing in his/her sport. Athletes they are and top rate ones at that. I salute and applaud each and everyone of them. They are not athletes with disabilities they are athletes and inspirational ones at that.

There is a saying that goes something like. We may not like the cards that life deals us,  but what is important is how we play them. Think about it. There are so many times in everyone’s life when something happens. We don’t like it and let it beat us down, it disables us from living life. I have seen the proof, any disability only holds us back as much as we allow it to.

A special thank you to all  my friends for their kind words of support over the past days. Know I am fine. I have a bit of a wonky head going on but am thinking of taking up skiing.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Posting less

March 22, 2010

I will likely be posting less in the next while. Saw my family doctor today. He feels with the symptoms I am experiencing the old brain tumor may be acting up a little. Finding it very hard to concentrate on anything. I WILL BE BACK

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Different pathes through life

March 19, 2010

The older I get, you would presume the “wiser” I get, WRONG.

When I was much younger, I “knew” the answers to everyone else’s problems. I have to even chuckle as I write this but, I suppose that would mean I was much “wiser” back then.lol. Today, I realize I don’t really “know” the answers to much at all. Maybe back then I saw the world as being more in black and white, it was cut and dry, either it was this way or it was that way. Now in between. Really I suppose it was my way or YOU ARE WRONG.

Every thing was black and white with no shades of gray in between. Now there is little that I can see other than those shades of gray. Very few things are as cut and dry as I once thought. There are two sides to every coin, two ways to look at everything.I am just talking about things in daily life,not crime or things like that.

I have come to realize another person is in fact not an extension of me. THey are living their own lives, as it should be.Living your own life is the most important, individual thing you can do. That may sound selfish, but if you really think about it, it is not. Living  your own life frees you from the need to put all th effort into putting on a false face of having to conform or bend to the wishes of others. There is so much precious time and energy wasted “pretending” to be someone we are not.

If we could some how learn to relax, be the person we really are, the person we really want to be. Think of all the time and energy we could save by not having to put on our false faces, we feel need to please others.

THere is the flip side to that coin. Relaxing and allowing others to be the people they want to be. Think of all the  time and energy put into controlling, domineering or even manipulating others or even a situation into being what we want it to be. We are responsible for our own lives only. Not the lives of others, relax and let them live their lives. (excluding the raising of children to adulthood naturally but only to adulthood).

For my physical mind I often need a physical comparable to put it in prospective. I consider life to be like a journey and often think of it as the highway of life. It is a journey we are all sharing. all participating in. As we travel  the highway of life, we each and every one of us has the same destination in mind, how we get there is our own choice.

My human physical comparable. Ten people ate given the task of driving from Montreal to L.A.. In this time, money and health are no problem. The decision on how to get there is left entirely up to each individual. These people don’t know each other and have no connection of any sort. But for some reason they are given some sort of GPS system by which they track to position of each of the others.

Now what is the best route to take. Each individual decides for themselves. Some may choose the most direct route.Others may choose that same direct route but include many exciting side trip along the way. Another may decide to extend the trip by first driving to Florida to possibly visit relatives. For me my trip would be marked with a wild bunch of zig zag lines all over the map as I try to take in and see as much as possible.

With our global positioning system map as we track the progress of the other each day. Might we not ask ourselves, why in the world are they way over there on the map, makes no sense to me at all. My own wild zig zag route might well be questioned for being to far off the direct path.

Is there one right path or route, obviously not. We are all making the same journey in this life. We may disagree and dislike the path another has chosen. But really how can we know the thought process, the reasons that have put them there. What makes my chosen path more right than their’s very likely nothing.

Geesh, thank goodness for spell checker

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – What I believe – as requested

March 18, 2010

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – What I Believe

November 29, 2006

I often speak of my strong Christian beliefs. I was recently asked what exactly are my beliefs as I have never mentioned any particular Church. It seems at times as if my beliefs are my own as I have never found a particular Church that exactly reflects them. I am sure there is one out there, I have just never found it. I believe all Churches, all Religions and all of the Faiths are good. We were given free will to chose our path in life, so would that not also carry over to our manner of worship. God is always with us supporting and helping us through every step of life. As long as in our hearts we are worshiping , glorifying God and striving to become better people how could any particular format we choose be wrong or bad. My particular beliefs didn’t seem to come from any one source at any one time. But instead slowly developed in my being. All coming from teachings of my mother, reading the Bible and the teachings of many different ministers or pastors etc..

I believe in a loving supportive God. A God that wants all of his children to return to Heaven. We were put on this earth to help us grow spiritually and emotionally. Helping to prepare us for our ultimate return home, to Heaven. I believe we are provided with Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides to help us on our way. Through their innocence small childred are more easily able to see and communicate with these Spiritual Beings. As we grow we loose that pure innocence, all becoming somewhat “jaded” or “tainted” by the world around us. As we loose more and more of the pure innocence we become less and less able to see them. Finally, they are lost to our mind and memory altogether. But that doesn’t mean they are gone, they are just on a different level we are no longer able to see.

They will often speak to us through what we have come to consider, intuition or even gut instinct. If we were able to regain that pure innocence of the young child, we too could talk to them. But so sadly it seems innocence lost, is lost. By putting our hearts and love to God, we can be moving back towards that.

I believe in reincarnation. We go through a series of physical lives, each specifically designed to provide situations where we are presented with opportunities to grow spiritually. Learning something even like patience could be an example. If it is something we need to learn, we could be put in a life setting were we must accept and learn it.

A very rough comparison could be that of a child going throught the school system. Using just grades 1 to 12. Each year the child enters school with a predesigned set of lessons to learn. Each year an evaluation of the childs progress is made and the child either graduates or must repeat the year and the lessons, until they have been learned.

I believe this to be similar to our successive lives. Our spiritual essence is place in a physical body. That physical body is place in an earthly environment that will provide us with the opportunities to grow that each of us individually need. On death, we leave that physical body to face an evaluation day. This evaluation before God, the Heavenly Angels together with you own Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides is a very loving review of your progress. If it is felt you have learned the lessons needed you will move to the next level “grade” and begin again this time with a new set of lessons to be learned. If you have not learned the required lessons you will “fail the grade” and have to repeat it.

Either way you return to this earth in a new physical form. The difference being, either in a much different setting to learn the new more advanced lessons or back to much the same situation you were in previously to learn what we missed the last time around.

I do not know how many different levels of lessons we must past through until we “graduate” to Heaven. I just know God and his appointed Angels are there to help us every step of the way.

This belief possible explains why I do not fear death. I wish I could say I feel I have learned all the lessons. I know I have learned some but not all, I am sure.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Happy St. Patrick’s Day

March 17, 2010

Ah, ’tis a grand day to be having the blood of the Irish in your veins. Imagine me trying to speak with an Irish accent with that.

Have you ever had one of those days that at the time is really embarassing, but you know in time you will be laughing about it. Brain tumor guy here had just such a day yesterday. When I get to the laughing point I will likely be posting about it, if I can even remember it.

I have a lot of time on my hands to just think. My mind can sometimes seemingly travel to the most “unsual” places. I remember my daughter one time asking me. “where do you come up with these things?” Here are a sample of but a few.

When you plant a tiny seed in your garden, you cover it with dirt. When it starts to grow, how does it know which way is up to allow it to sprout through the ground to the sunlight. Even the tiniest of seeds have some level of intelligence????

There are millions of vehicles on highways today all around the world. Those vehicles travel on rubber tires. The tread on those tires does wear away. When is wears away, were does all that rubber go?

The hands on the face of a clock rotate in what we call the clockwards direction. Is there a reason they rotate in this direction or was it just an abirtary decision made by who ever it was that first invented the clock?

THe concept of time fascinates me. The idea that it extends enlessly into the future. It is hard for my physical mind to grasp that concept, of anything being endless. Now if it extends endlessly before us, it stand to reason it also extends endlessly behind us, it had no beginning!! Nothing happened in all those years prior to mankind???

Why is there a statute of limitations on crimes except as I understand murder? Now petty crime I can understand but things like rape???

What does skin color have to do with anything??

If somehow you knew you only had 5 minutes to live and could leave behind only one recorded message, what would it be? To whom would it be directed? Why would you have waited until that point to have delivered that message? Are you thinking of delivering that message now,  instead of waiting? If not, why not?

Dying man’s Daily Journal – Lord’s Prayer – Forgiveness

March 14, 2010

As I was saying my prayers last night a thought hit me. Something has happened and I am not even sure when. Now when I think of it, it is actually kind of sad in one way but wonderful in another.

The Lord’s Prayer is but a part of my nightly prayers. Now I am not a Biblical scholar but I would thing it is fair to say that the Lord’s Prayer is one of the most important prayers in the Christian faith. Now I am woefully lacking in knowledge of the other great Faiths but I would imagine they have a similar prayer or prayers with similar wording. I would appreciate it if followers of other faiths inform me of this. 

The Lord’s Prayer:

Our Father, which art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done,
in earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from evil.
[For thine is the kingdom,
the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.]

Over the years I have said that prayer thousands of times. I take prayer seriously as I imagine do all. A while back a bit of a startling revelation hit me. I had said this prayer so very many times, it had become habit for me to mumble the words without any thought to it. It had become just part of the routine I go through on a daily basis. Mumbling the words because that is what I am supposed to do.

Now, it also came to me a while back that the Good Lord, in His wisdom is granting me extra time on this earth. Why I do not know, but will gratefully accept and treasure each and every moment.

Once I got over the initial shock of what the doctors had told me. I decided to use this time to do my best to prepare myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually for what I know lies ahead. As I did this and searched within myself, I realized it was and is important for me to leave this world with what I call a clear heart. For me that partially means a heart free of any anger, bitterness, any misgiving towards others. There is also the flip aside to that coin but I will get into that another time (seeking forgiveness). I wanted, I needed to let go of negative feelings I held in my mind and heart. As I took a deep personal inventory of my life, I realized I harbored many resentments, ill will and some general feelings of misgivings towards some others. I badly wanted to let these feelings go. I worked at it and was able to make some progress. I guess I got to the point where I was able to think, “OK, I forgive you but it was still a pretty “nasty” thing you did and I still think you are a jerk.” Now I suppose that was progress, but not really or at least it wasn’t the heart clearing kind.

One day a few years back, I was saying the Lord’s Prayer, and I suppose actually paying attention that particular day to what I was praying for.  There are 2 lines in the prayer that made me sit up and pay attention as I was saying them.

“And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive them that trespass against us.”

It was a light bulb came on as I realized what I was asking in my prayer. The very same prayer I had already prayed thousands of times. In Bill language, I was praying asking to be forgiven of my sins, in the same manner I was forgiving others here on this earth. I thought of that and realized, Oh geesh, this can’t be good, not with all this negativity and ill will I am carrying in my heart. I renewed my heart clearing efforts with more effort than ever before. I struggled and it even reached the point where I actually dropped that on line our of my prayers: As I forgive those that trespass against me. If I am unable to forgive others then, how in the world can I be praying for God to forgive me in that same way. That made no sense at all.

The separate the deed from the doer idea is one I have had for a long time, but really never understood it enough to put it into practice. I mean if someone does you a “nasty” it is their responsibility surely. Some how, I began though to put that together with my “Bill Statics” 90% of people are just regular good people, 5% are Earth Angels and 5% are jerks. Most importantly for me, I realized there are no real clear and permanent divisions between these groups. We are all constantly drifting back and forth between these groups. Yes, I am sure or at least I hope trying our best to avoid the jerk category. But, we are human and depending on the event, circumstance or what ever will find ourselves in the jerk category. It seems the real trick is to not allow ourselves to stay there. Yes, I have and do spend my share maybe even more than my share of time in the “jerk” category.

I am struggling to find the words for this. I have always believed in the overall goodness and kindness within all people but know we each have our moments out of the sun shall we say. We each have our own battles within our own lives. We each react to a situation or circumstance in our own way depending on where we are in our day or even in our lives. We are doing our best to deal with the struggles we face. In the past I know there have been situations or events where others acted or reacted in a way different from what I wanted or maybe expected. It is that action or reaction that hurt or offended me. Possibly he/she was having their moment in the jerk zone, or possibly it was me being there.

Forgiveness is not for others, it is for ourselves. To clear our hearts to enable us to live our lives to the fullest. To forgive another does not mean you have to invite the person back into your life or even have anything to do with them going forward. Forgiveness is letting go of destructive negativity, clear our hearts, living the good life.

A question to all that regularly say the Lord’s Prayer. What are your thoughts on this. A question to those of other faiths, what do you think of this?

My revelation last night. Somewhere along the line, I have reinserted the as I forgive line. Obviously back to the saying it without appropriate thought, have to really work on that.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – living

March 12, 2010

Had a nap but am still feeling worn out, maybe just lazy. Found this quote by Thich Nhat Hanh. It seems to just say so much.

Do we need to make a special effort to enjoy the beauty of the sky?

Do we have to practice to be able to enjoy it, No, we just enjoy it.

Each second, each minute in our lives can be like this.

Where ever we are, any time, we have the capacity to enjoy the sunshine and each other, even the sensation of our own breathing

We don’t need to go to China to enjoy the blue sky.

We don’t have to travel into the future to enjoy our own breathing.

We can be in touch with those things right now.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Have a good vacation Vi

March 12, 2010

As I write this Vi is literally thousands of feet up in the air. Yup, she is on a plane heading for L.A..

She is off for what I hope, well I know will be a wonderful vacation. She is meeting son David, his wife Kelly and their 2 sons Dawson and Carter, who have driven down to L.A. from their home in Victoria. Dave, Kelly and the boys really are such a nice wonderful family. It will be so nice for Vi, they are doing the whole tourist thing while in California, Disney Land and about everything else.

I have been teasing Vi. She will be landing at LAX. Who know she may see Harrison Ford or George Clonney, who may sweep her off her feet and I may never see her again. Hmm is this trip really a good idea. LOL. I hope they have a wonderful time.

Man, this getting up at 4:00am to get her off to the airport is tiring. Off for an early nap.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Open your heart

March 11, 2010

I am such a lucky man and so very happy to be a part of this world. It is just so full of kind,loving and inspirational people. We just have to find a way to really open our eyes to see them, recognize what they are doing and appreciate and be inspired by them. How do we open our eyes to see the reality of what is truly around us? This world of ours is just overflowing with kind, loving generous people. OK, this is something I have “sort” of known all of my life but it is only in the past few years that this has really become so very clear to me.

Oh, for sure there are some “jerks” in this world, some people that are just not so nice. If we take into account the entire population of this world, the number of “jerks” would make up a very small per centage. Why don’t we see this, realize it and appreciate it? Does one rotten apple have to spoil the entire barrel? Do we really have to see the world that way?

Time for a “Bill statistic”, one that I know I have used before. First off to be clear, what is a “Bill statistic”? It is very scientifically obtained. I take something, rattle it around in my head for 10 or 15 seconds and what ever sounds reasonable to me becomes a “Bill statistic”. Hey it is my blog and I can make up my own statistics. lol

About 90% of people are regular hard working, kind, nice people just doing their best to get through their day while raising their families. About 5% are what I call Earth Angels, those that step up and go the extra mile to help another. That leaves the remaining 5%, the jerks, enough said about that group. The tricky part is we all float back and forth between those “groups” depending on the circumstances and situation. Yes, I can be a jerk at times, but so can you,so there.

Based on these very scientifically obtained statistics we are surrounded by kind, loving and generous people, yet we don’t see it or realize it and appreciate it. I suppose possibly the news media is at least partially to blame for this. Most of what we hear or read day after day is the bad stuff, the negative actions of the small minority of the population. When that is all we hear or read,maybe it is no wonder our out look on the world has become at least somewhat jaded. What do we need to do to open our eyes to see the true world around us?

We all have such busy hectic lives that it is so easy to just with draw into our own little world seemingly content with that. Could there be more to life if we open our eyes and hearts to the wonders around us? Not look at everything and everyone with negative suspicion. What do you think?

I have never imagined myself to be a writer,more of just a rambler. That is why I will often copy and quote the wonderful messages I often get via email. Here is another I received. THis time I even know the author to give ful credit to:

When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present…we experience heaven on earth.
  ~ Sara Ban Breathnach

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – taking it in stride

March 10, 2010

Wow, the past few days here on the blog have been kind of wild, not sure if that is the right word to describe it, Now a day or two ago I did receive a comment that did catch me by surprise. Let’s just say it was not all that flattering to myself and hey, I never expect everyone to agree with everything I have to say and that is fair enough. Normally I would just blow this comment off, giving it the attention I think it deserves, which is none.

Now again I quote my dear departed MUM. She used to joke that when as a child I was vaccinated it must have been with a gramophone needle as I always have to get my say into everything. So here I go again.

I have realized life lessons can come from the most unusual or unexpected places. What have I learned from this experience. I have a lot of loving friends that have contacted me either here on the blog or via email. I do thank all for their support and encouragement.

Possibly it comes from being a banker all of my life. Now being a banker isn’t always the quiet and boring life you might think. Over the years as circumstances dictated I was required to refuse to cash cheques, refuse loans, repossess vehicles…… Now none of those things made me the most popular guy at that moment. Over the years I have been cursed at, threatened and once even punched in the mouth. With all of this I somehow learned not to take it personally. I suppose I had developed my own version of the garbage truck theory. (I wrote about it a couple of posts back). Lets take the case from back in my banking days and suppose I had to decline a loan. Early in my career I stressed over this, feeling so very bad that I had to decline them. With time  I came to realize, it was not my fault their credit rating sucked or what ever was the reason. I came to realize, yes they were upset but it was at the situation, being declined for the loan. I was just the guy sitting across the desk from them, the only one there that they could take their anger, frustration and disappointment out on. I suppose I developed a thicker skin and a better understanding of not taking things personally. There are always 2 ways you can look at everything.

Over the course of the blog I am very proud that almost 6,000 comments have been left. All but a handful have been very kind, loving and supportive. I can not begin say how proud I am of all of my blogging friends,of how lucky I consider myself to have you all in my life. It is what is contained within so many of the comments that is most important to me.Yes, many contain kind and loving support for me, which I do appreciate so very much. But it goes so very far beyond that. Many others have in a time of need written in often sharing their own pain and grief. My dear blogging friends are always there in that time of need, providing loving support for any and all that come. It has gotten to the point I like to think of the blog more as a community of loving supportive friends. A community I am so very proud to be but a part of.

Now with that many comments there are bound to be a few, that let”s just say are outside the norm. I remember one way back somewhere that even said something to the effect: “Why don’t you just die already and quit wasting space on the internet”. Can’t remember how or even if I responded. I have grown with time and back then I imagine I had something to say.

To the dear blogging friends that have rushed in to support me with this, I thank you so very much. Please know I am fine with any comments directed at me. I will read such comments.Look to see if I feel it has any merit, see if I can learn from it and then pay it no mind.

The final lesson I have learned, is I have some work to do on myself. Any comment directed to me or at me, I can easily shrug off. BUT, disparaging comments directed at my mum or any of my family and my hackles go up.

Now this is my blog and I make the rules. I have always invited all comment,hey even those I might not personally agree with. That still applies comments from all are always welcome. BUT, any comments that I in my own judgement read as being mean spirited will be deleted entirely.