Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Taking others for granted.

We all know we shouldn’t but we all  do take other people  for granted. We do this in many ways but one of them is just taking it for granted they will always be there for us when we need them. This past week or so has really been a stark reminder of how we should never do that. Vi’s mum Nellie gave us all a real scare. My last few posts have been about how she is 86 and last week took a fall breaking her sit bone. Complications while in the hospital delirium, pneumonia all sort of things left all thinking she may not be long for this world. Thankfully she bounced back from it all and while still in a lot of pain is on the mend.

Overall, Nellie is not in great health and I think back and for the past 4 or 5 Christmases. because of her overall health there was always talk of making it special for her as it would likely be her last. She is a tough cookie that old girl, here she is after all is said and done and still going. Her health has been talked and talked about and yet still when she goes to the hospital everyone is in panic mode. You would think by now you would be at least some what prepared. I don’t think we ever are really prepared, we can say we are, we even think we are but all that seems to be forgotten at the moment.

Seeing her laying there breathing all rattlely and then hearing congestive heart failure shook me up wondering if that is what I will be looking like and struggling to breath. I say I am prepared for what lies ahead, I do believe I am, I feel I am. Am I going to be hit with that last minute panic when my turn arrives, I hope not.

I realize as does I think everyone else, we all know of Nellie’s health and yet it is just taken for granted she will always be there. When it really does hit you that she/he/they will not makes you think and appreciate them more. Any one in your life you are just taking for granted in this or any other way.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal -Power of Prayer

This past week has been one of extreme ups and downs. I have written of how Nellie, Vi’s mum is in the hospital. Now Nellie is 86 years old and not in the best of health to begin with. Last week she got up in the middle of the night and took a fall. She broke a bone right at the bottom of the pelvis. The break is such that it can be left alone and will with time heal on its own. Doctors say that is very fortunate as she would never survive any surgery should it have been required. In her fall she bruised a good part of her left side and got a good bang on the head.

She was taken to the hospital, diagnosed and pumped full of morphine and a lot of other drugs. She was dehydrated and an IV was started. a lot of fluid was put into her body but very little was passing through. Heart failure, kidney failure all sorts of possibilities were discussed and none were to nice to hear. More drugs added to her intake.

In the first I think 3 days she didn’t really sleep, more just dozed off. Pain management was a problem and more and more drugs were being used. as time passed in her waking moments she became less and less rational even combative at times. Dementia is suspected and yet more drugs are added. Pneumonia sets in the situation is just getting worse by the day even it seemed by the hour.Over night bed side vigil, several rushed trips to the hospital a very stressful time. With each trip to the hospital the situation seemed to be just getting worse and worse.

Finally, I think it was Saturday afternoon or evening she seemed to fall into a deep fitful sleep, she remained that way most of Sunday. Visiting was limited so as not to disturb her. Visits were sad, knowing or at least feeling inside this may be the last time you do see her.

Nellie is well known in the family for being “stubborn”, I am CONTINUALLY assured that stubborn streak was NOT passed on to Vi. Monday morning go tip toeing into her room not sure what to expect and there she is sitting up in bed impatiently waiting for her coffee. Still a little confused but about 80% back to her normal. Yesterday go and NELLIE IS BACK to her normal self and wanting to go home. I can’t tell you how good that was to see and how relieved and happen is the entire family.

The change is amazing. I thank all for the prayers said for her, the power of those prayers is amazing, I see it right here in front of me.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

That Nellie is one tough “cookie” and that everything considered she is now doing quite well. She did give us a bit of a scare.

Right now she is kind of confusing to the doctors as she has several issues going on and the symptoms she is showing could be from any of them. It is upsetting for the family just helplessly watching he lie there. When she is asleep her body is switching and jerking uncontrolably. When she is awake she has her lucid moments but is most often delusional. Her latest complication is pneumonia. Continued prayers please.

I have read all of the comments left and appreciate the support. There have also been some “exciting” comments and I hope to get to reply to them in the nest few days.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Hard on the families

Since I started this blog I have mostly been able to share my thoughts and feelings from the patients point of view. I am not sure how many times it has been but many many times I have said I beleive it is hardest on the families. With 5 heart attacks, open heart surgery with numerous trips to emergency. Now in all of these events I was the “star” the main character with all attention being directed towards me. Vi is pushed to a waiting room while I am assessed and they get control of pain…… during that time I at least know what is happening. Often I have been given a shot of some sort of happy juice to make me nice and relaxed.

Out in the waiting room Vi is a bundle of nerves not knowing my condition, what is happening or really anything. That is so very much harder.

With Vi’s mother in the hospital, I am now on the other side of the table. The waiting, the not knowing, the wishing to be able to do something. You want the best for the patient but really aren’t even such what that is. All that waiting and not knowing.

Now Nellie is 86 years old, blind and virtually deaf. She can’t see what is going on around her and can hear very little leaving her feeling very isolated and alone. A family member is with her as much as possible.

Man, longer post planned hospital just call have to go, prayers please

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Thank you and more prayers please

I thank you for the prayers for mother-in-law Nellie. She is a tough cookie but being well into her eighties she doesn’t have the strength she once did.Yesterday was a very hard day on her. Most of the day was spent trying to control her blood pressure and with pain management. It was like she was having little seizures or something as her whole body was continually spasming. When she fell apparently she hit her head on the way down and they are doing all sorts of tests. It got to the point where she was slurring her words and become a little incoherent. By that time though she had so many drugs in her system which may have caused that. The clan is gathering

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Prayers please

I ask for prayers please. Vi’s mother (my mother-in-law) Nellie took a fall last night and is currently in the hospital in tremendous pain. While on her way to the bathroom in the middle of the night she fell. I am not sure how she landed but it must have been on her bum as she has broken one of her sit bones. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a sit bone and am sure it likely has a more technical name. It is one of 2 bones right at the bottom of the pelvis. Prayers please.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal –

The past 2 days have been quite hectic around here, tired me right out. We had the big exterior windows to the house replace. The installers John, Shawna and Dave were great. So friendly while doing a quality job. It is nice to see some one hard at work when it is obvious they know what they are doing. Just a special hi to you guys and a big thank you.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Abusers – Male and Female

This morning I read a very good question from John. His question is to my post back May 20/08. I read my post from back then (please check it out, I really express my feelings on abuse) and I still feel the same and stand by every thing I said.

One of the points I was trying to make was: “NO MAN EVER HIT A WOMAN”. In my eyes that is a simple statement of fact. Now I  can only imagine many reading this will be shaking their heads saying this guy is nuts. It happens all the time, men not only hit women they beat them. The difference here comes all in my definition of a man.
A real man would never abuse, hit or take advantage of a woman or anyone else for that matter. The problem is in this world there are a lot of males that because of mere age or size consider themselves to be men. I believe this is a popular misconception in society in general.

We have to realize it takes more than age or size to make a man. There are a lot of over aged juvenile delinquents out there posing as men that give the rest of us a bad name.

After my typical ramble I get to John’s question: “Why do you class abusers as only male?”

Straight answer is I don’t, although reading my post I can see how it may come off that way. At the time I was exchanging emails with a couple of female blogging friends that were suffering greatly at the hands of the “man” that loved them.

Reality is people are people. Now here I am speaking of the “western culture” of our society here in Canada and such. I might be able to google some statistics or something but I would think the number of abusive females in relationships is grossly under reported. I can only imagine it would be so very difficult for a man to report physical abuse from his female partner to the police. Our “macho” self image, feelings of embarrassment would prevent many from doing so. This is all so alien to my thinking I am having trouble coming up with an example. This is a ridiculous example as it just wouldn’t happen it isn’t in Vi’s nature any more than it is in mine. But if she chose to she could likely beat the heck out of me, simply because I could not hit a woman. I could push her away or try to grab onto her but I just couldn’t hit her. I have to wonder though how many males do have spouses that are violent. What is the guy to do. I have heard of the beaten wife syndrome could the opposite apply could there be a beaten husband syndrome? I can’t imagine the wouldn’t be.

Realistically, I KNOW female abusers more often use emotional abuse, which I have heard is more damaging than the physical. A bruise will heal more quickly than emotional scars.

Man. I have tired myself out here and need nap. I will try to write more later. For now I leave you with this question. Have you ever heard a wife go at her husband to the point you feel sorry for the guy. You know the bossing around, constant bitching, sarcastic remarks. Isn’t that abuse?

Thought just hit me. There are safe houses where women can go if abused. (I say wonderful to that, we need more). If in that same circumstance what is a male to do? Are there such options available to them? I don’t know.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Muslim’s, Hindu’s – all Faiths please reply

I am back up and moving. Wow, got some sort of flu bug or something that really put me on my butt for a few days. It is nice to get that behind me.

As I was lazing around I was channel surfing on the TV I came across an ad for some upcoming show, Don’t even remember what show it is but what I saw showed that in Mexico some celebrate the day of the dead. I am not going to try and pretend I understand that or even know what it is all about. But, it did get me thinking. Why do different people/cultures/religions look at death so differently? Why do many fear it to the point of not even wanting to think of it, while others are so much more open and accepting of it? I mean it is a natural part of life, it is something none of us can avoid. In that way we are all in the same boat why is the way we react to or deal with this issue so different? No, I am not going to try and pretend I am an expert on anything here. I know very little of other culture/religions particularly when it comes to this topic. This is something I would like to learn more about. People are people with the obvious exception of our thinking/thoughts/beliefs etc..

I consider myself to be a Christian. I have never intended that this blog be considered to be a Christian blog. I share my thoughts and feelings but that is exactly what they are “MY” thoughts and feelings. I am not looking to be converted to another faith nor am I trying to convert anyone to mine. My intent or hope  anyway with this blog is to help people any and all people as we travel the final leg of our earthly journey.

This whole dying thing is a lonely time. You can be surrounded by the most wonderful loving caring people in the world, all doing their very best for you. I say a special thank you to all of those wonderful people your care your love your support does mean so much to me/us. It is just no one can truly understand exactly what it is you are going through unless they share your understandings of the feelings that come with it all.

I read some where that there are times when the loneliest feelings can come when you are in a room full of people. For my human mind I like to come up with physical or earthly comparable. Imagine being at a huge public event a big celebration of some sort. Everyone there is so very nice, kind and are doing their very best to treat you in the best way they can and make you feel as comfortable as possible. That sounds great but what if you throw in one additional factor. You don’t speak the same language. Now no matter how welcoming they may make you feel, there is bound to be at least a tinge of loneliness.No one speaks your language. You are unable to communicate your thoughts and feelings to anyone. In that way you are alone.

Part of the reason for this blog is my attempt to bring people together that do speak that special language of the dying. To be able to talk to someone that really can understand. It is sort of the walk a mile in someone elses shoes. Well there are many already walking in those shoes. Let’s get together and help each other along.

I am extending a special invitation to people of all faiths of all cultures to share with us. Dying is not something restricted to Christians, we are ALL facing it. Please let us hare our thoughts, feeling, fears and worries. Keep each other company and maybe ease the load of another.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

I had an interesting question posed to me. Actually, it was posted and left for me in the chat room. “What does it feel like to know you are dying?”

My initial reaction is: “you tell me. It is a reality we are all facing just on a different time schedule.”

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a hard question to answer. difficult because the answer will vary from day to day, hour to hour even minute to minute. As a overall general statement: IT SUCKS AND I DON’T LIKE IT AT ALL!!!!!

As I sit and think about it though, it has been a wonderful experience. Many will find that hard to believe but it is true. OK, the most wonderful part if I haven’t died. I have surprised the doctors a number of times when they had essentially given up hope  for me to survive. For reasons only the Good Lord knows here I am. i move a little slower, have less energy but that is a small price to pay for still being here. It has seemed with each successive heart attack (5 of them) and after each heart surgery or procedure my will to live has increased. I do believe that to an extent sheer determination to live will keep us here. I think maybe after each of those events I was blessed to have my eyes open a little wider each time. Each time I was able to look at life or the life I had been living and could so easily see, I wasn’t really living. I was enduring or putting up with life. Struggling through each day just to get to the next so I could start that same process all over again.

So much of life happens in our heads. Now that sounds like a bit of a silly statement but if you think about it, it is true. The world is busy rushing on around us usually oblivious to us. We though no matter how you may deny it often see ourselves as the center of our own universe. In so many ways that is the way it should be. This is hard to explain. It becomes a problem  if suddenly we see all the activity in the surrounding world being directed at us instead of flowing by us.

My mind seems to have wandered here. I started this post full of energy but haven’t been feeling well for the past couple of days and that energy seems to have run out. Will maybe post more on where my thoughts were going with this tomorrow.