Trying to comfort those Grieving

On another forum I have had the opportunity to meet a lady that is feeling great loss, great pain with the very resent loss of her husband.
It has got me thinking of how intense the pain, the sense of loss can be. Your world as you know it is completely turned upside down, nothing is the same. The fact of the matter is it never will be the same. A person that played a huge part in your life is gone, how could it be the same.
As you are going through the grieving process all you can think of is the pain and loss.
It is hard to imagine it at the time but while not the same life will become good again.
Dealing with a loss and how we deal with it is a very personal, private matter. There just is no one correct way to do it.
As you try to comfort someone going through it all, that I know of anyway, there are just no mere words that can be said that will provide any meaningful comfort.
So many at anyone time are going through this. I know it can be a very lonely experience.
As I don’t have specific words of comfort, I am sharing a previous post that at the time of my mothers passing did help me a lot. Did it take away the pain, No. But it did help. Here it is from way back in the early days of the blog:

With my memory these days I am never sure if I read this somewhere or if this is my own thought. I just know this helped me tremendously when my mother passed. I loved my mother dearly and still do and always will. I hope I can find the right words to really express what I am trying to say.

Use your imagination and try to picture this scenario. By some chance your loved one get a chance to go on a fantastic voyage, say a year long cruise around the world. You know your loved one would have a fantastic time, the time of their lives. Lets further suppose, the trip has already been booked and nothing short of a miracle will stop them form going. How would you react?

Would you be there, being lovingly supportive in their preparations for the voyage. Hoping and praying only for their happiness and well being. It is a given that you will miss them. You are comforted knowing you will see them again and out of love, make the choise to put their well being ahead of our own. I mean it would be so unfair to hope or think they should miss out on such an opportunity just because we will miss them. We joyously help in their preparations spending quality, happy time before they leave. Tearful good byes are said hugs are exchanged and off they go.

Or, Even though you know the trip is booked and that they will have a wonderful time, do you react differently. Even selfishly, out of our own fear of missing them and being lonely, we feel miserable. We cry and maybe even try to talk them into canceling the trip, “you can’t go I will miss you to much”.

Through our own selfishness we want to deny them the trip the joy, the happiness that would come with it. They are leaving anyway, but we have turned what could have been a joyous farewell into a time of personal sorrow for ourselves.

I used these thoughts on the passing of my dearly loved mother. I wished her joy and happiness until we meet again. Did that remove all the sadness no, but it definately helped. With her passing my mother went on a wonderful voyage and I do miss her but I know I will be seeing her again

Thank you for the support

Well back at it. Realizing I need to give myself more of a push to keep life going. It seems somehow my days all blur together and just fly past. It seem human issues, health issues, lack of energy caused by both and a bit of plain old laziness has been keeping me down.
I have to push harder, well here I am. This is me pushing.
There seems so much I have to catch up on, especially responding to the beautiful heart felt comments.
My heart goes out to our dear blogging friend Mel with all the struggles faced by her and family. Been away for so long, being memory guy, can’t remember how to do the link thing. Will work on it.
Next few days will give update on health issues. Things pretty much following expected path. Bigger threat of a stroke scares the crap out of me. But will get into that.
Am planning a series of posts. A while back I was asked to write about what I have learned from this blogging experience. Simple answer is a lot. Far more than I expected or even dreamed of, such a wonderful experience.
Needing that push I am going to commit to at least weekly posts. As I get rolling who knows maybe more often.
I want to thank all my blogging friends. You have been wonderful your living support, your prayers have kept me going. Thank you

The day I die

Came across something wonderful and just had to share,
Copied from a wonderful site. http://johnpavlovitz.com/. Full credit to the author.

On the die I day a lot will happen.

A lot will change.

The world will be busy.

On the day I die, all the important appointments I made will be left unattended.

The many plans I had yet to complete will remain forever undone.

The calendar that ruled so many of my days will now be irrelevant to me.

All the material things I so chased and guarded and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard.

The words of my critics which so burdened me will cease to sting or capture anymore. They will be unable to touch me.

The arguments I believed I’d won here will not serve me or bring me any satisfaction or solace.

All my noisy incoming notifications and texts and calls will go unanswered. Their great urgency will be quieted.

My many nagging regrets will all be resigned to the past, where they should have always been anyway.

Every superficial worry about my body that I ever labored over; about my waistline or hairline or frown lines, will fade away.

My carefully crafted image, the one I worked so hard to shape for others here, will be left to them to complete anyway.

The sterling reputation I once struggled so greatly to maintain will be of little concern for me anymore.

All the small and large anxieties that stole sleep from me each night will be rendered powerless.

The deep and towering mysteries about life and death that so consumed my mind will finally be clarified in a way that they could never be before while I lived.

These things will certainly all be true on the day that I die.

Yet for as much as will happen on that day, one more thing that will happen.

On the day I die, the few people who really know and truly love me will grieve deeply.

They will feel a void.

They will feel cheated.

They will not feel ready.

They will feel as though a part of them has died as well.

And on that day, more than anything in the world they will want more time with me.

I know this from those I love and grieve over.

And so knowing this, while I am still alive I’ll try to remember that my time with them is finite and fleeting and so very precious—and I’ll do my best not to waste a second of it.

I’ll try not to squander a priceless moment worrying about all the other things that will happen on the day I die, because many of those things are either not my concern or beyond my control.

Friends, those other things have an insidious way of keeping you from living even as you live; vying for your attention, competing for your affections.

They rob you of the joy of this unrepeatable, uncontainable, ever-evaporating Now with those who love you and want only to share it with you.

Don’t miss the chance to dance with them while you can.

It’s easy to waste so much daylight in the days before you die.

Don’t let your life be stolen every day by all that you believe matters, because on the day you die, much of it simply won’t.

Yes, you and I will die one day.

But before that day comes: let us live.

Dying – attaining a state of bliss

I know many still check for my posts but don’t always read the comments left by others. With this in mind I have copied a comment and my reply:

Sherilyn Prost says:
January 20, 2016 at 10:32 am (Edit)
I am dying and I am blessed to have the opportunity to know the peace and serenity of God’s love! I lay here one day flowing into the other and the pain is there but seems distant… I’m not on medication for it..but know from past experience that what I’m feeling is far better than any medication could help.

I have experience a transition from my life as reviewing everything yet it’s almost as if it is a picture glance or highlight reel of someone else.. I do remember how stressful some of them were and the feeling they would never end but they appear instantaneous and distant. What once seemed so monumental is truly irrelevant.. and I am OK almost blissful, as though I am untethered and gliding in a surreal world…I really have to focus to come down and go eat or bathe..I praise God for another moment of peace and the love with my doggie. Only when I awaken from my own screaming do I really know that my physical body is in pain. Have any of you transition into or out of this state??

Hi Sherilyn, welcome to my blog. I thank you for sharing your so touching and heart felt story. It is comforting to know God is with you as you make this part of our physical earthly journey.it is wonderful that you have reached and can maintain that blissful state. I am so very sorry to hear of the pain you are experiencing. For me pain is a game changer. I so admire your attitude and courage through all of this.
I can only speak from my own experience. I seem to at times attain that state of bliss but lacking your strength and courage I often loose it when the heavier pain comes on. I seem to be dragged mentally back into the reality of my body at the time. That pain is a game changer for me.
I too am having flashbacks, memories of times and events in the past just seem to pop into my head. Some like you of how I over reacted making mountains out of mole hills. I caused myself so much needless stress. I have many “forgotten” memories coming from deep inside. Like you I see the world and life differently. Now I see there were times I see differently now. When I now rehash certain times it is more with feeling of empathy for the feelings of others my actions affected.
I find myself seeking outside distractions in dealing with these times to temporarily refocus, distract my thinking.
I call these “down” times my episodes. Once I get past them I can more easily refocus. I am not sure if I reach the blissful state you speak of, more a state of peace and contentment.
I thank you for sharing and do hope you will continue to share with us going forward.
Bill

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Kindness, the Starfish story

I recently read something that got me thinking. The writer was basically say how messed up the world is today. Millions of refugees, even more millions of starving people, the list of problems was almost endless. They felt the problems were so big there was just nothing that could be done other throw our hands up in despair and not even try to do anything.
Well let’s face it the problems of the world are huge and far beyond what any one person could possibly solve but can we not each as individuals do our own little bit. Make at least some contribution by helping the life of even one other person. In doing that little bit we are in fact making the world a little better. Bringing a little light into the life of another helps the world shine just a little brighter.
I know, I have been on the receiving end of such kindness and know how it can brighten a life.
Doing this thinking brought to mind on of my favourite stories. I have put it up before. Found it back in May/08. My post from back then:

A woman was walking along a beach when she saw a man scooping up starfish off the sand and tossing them into the waves. Curious, she asked him what he was doing. He replied “When the tide goes out it leaves these starfish stranded on the beach. They will dry up and die before the tide comes back in, so I am throwing them back into the sea where they can live.”

The woman laughed, “But this beach is miles long and there are hundreds of stranded starfish, most will die before you reach them – do you really think throwing back a few starfish is going to make a difference?”

The man picked up a starfish and looked at it and threw it into the waves. “It makes a difference to this one” he said.

In the story here we have a man seemingly taking on a hopeless or maybe even seemingly a useless task. There are miles of beach all of which he alone can’t possibly cover to save all of the starfish. But, does he give it up as a useless or hopeless task, NO. He realizes you Maybe can’t mean the world to everyone, but you can be the world to someone. He was doing his part, to help the world and meant the world to those starfish he did save.

I meant it when I said he was doing his part to help the world, he realize that every little bit counts, every little bit helps. He was showing his true character and the size of his heart by helping a living thing in trouble. I can only imagine that a man with a heart this big would be also helping other people in anyway he could with that same determined effort. Realizing every little bit helps, no extra effort is to small and no one would be seen as being not worth his help. He would just do what he could and I am sure felt better in his heart for knowing he did what he could.

Can you imagine what the world would be like if we all did that, had that attitude. If we all just did what we could instead of just throwing up our hands in despair, thinking this task, this problem, whatever is just to big, so big that nothing I could ever do would make a difference. That thinking is just so wrong as truly every little bit helps. Love is what make this world go around. It is the one thing there really can never be to much of. It truly is a case of the more the better. You have it in your heart, an inexhaustible supply of love. By showing it, sharing it through a simple act of kindness to another can be your way of doing your bit to make the world a better place.

Sharing this love can and will have its own rewards as you will feel the very love in your heart that you are giving away is growing, more than you can imagine.

Dying Man’s Journal – appreciate every day, every one and every thing

Received a Christmas card from one of Vi’s cousins. Besides the normal greetings it has the following message.
It is so powerful. I remembered having posted sometime back but think is is worth putting up again. Especially at this time of year. Help us appreciate family time and all the blessings we have in our lives.

3900 Saturdays

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable. A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one
hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:
I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way,
I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whomever he was talking with something about “a thousand marbles.” I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.

“Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It’s too bad you missed your daughter’s “dance recital” he continued. “Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.” And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a “thousand marbles.”

“You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years. “Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire
lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting to the important part.
It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail”, he went on, “and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays.” “I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.”

“Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more
on the really important things in life. There’s nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.”

“Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last
marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time.. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.”

“It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band This is a 75 Year
old Man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!”

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter.

Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. “C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.” “What brought this on?” she asked with a smile “Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles.

Dying Man’s Journal – join me with acts of kindness

Every year, must be about 10 years or so now. I have come here on the blog and flat out asked for birthday gifts. Well my birthday somehow snuck right past me. But, here I am asking for gifts anyway.
Years ago I added a page to the blog. Across the top of the screen you will see a row of titles. Each being the title to a different page addition.
Today I ask all to click on the page titled “Spirit within me” commit to and join my little club.
Below, I have copied the content of the page. But please go to the page and join in.

I invite all to join together with me. A group of friends doing our part to make the lives of others better. With every act of kindness, we do in fact make the world a little bit better. We do this simply because we can, because we care about others, all others people all people, we care about the world.

I once heard what I consider to be a very good definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing, in the same way over and over again and still being upset or disappointed when the results come out unchanged.” This applies to our very lives, if we day after day continue to do the same thing, in the same way, how can we expect there to be any change. Change of any sort must begin from within, within each and everyone of us. As people change, so will the world.

I invite and encourage all to join my very non-exclusive group of friends. All are welcome, no restrictions of any kind.. So in that regard I have set up this new page title “Spirit within me”. The word “me” should be read as applying to each individual and definitely not me, as in Bill. It represents the spirit contained with each of you. I hope people will join in and take membership in the group as a serious commitment.

OK, what is the group about. It is just a group of friends joining together to try in any small way to bring about changes within themselves, within the lives of others and ultimately to the world.

Is there a cost to belong to this group? YES, but not a monetary cost. The cost is something much more precious that mere money. The cost is spending some of your precious time. How much time? Five minutes a week. I don’t care how busy anyone’s life is, there is no one that can honestly say they couldn’t squeeze in 5 minutes a week. How is that 5 minutes of precious time to be spent? Actively looking for and performing an extra act of kindness. It is to be preformed for another, to whom doesn’t matter, the size of the act doesn’t matter. What matters is that we all take the time, even just 5 minutes a week to look for a way to perform an act of kindness.

Second, requirement. If any thanks is offered we decline to accept it. Instead state only that the only thanks you require or request is that this person, repay you by passing on another act of kindness be passed on to yet another. Think of the ripples we are creating.

Benefits, unlimited, gained from the peace and love to be contained within our hearts. That warm fuzzy feeling that comes from knowing I did something good, not because I had to but simply because I wanted to.

Special prayer request please

Our dear blogging friend Lydia left a comment in which she included a special prayer request. I ask all for prayers please.
Lydia’s request:
And while I’m talking about prayer, I ask the blogging community to pray for my 23 year old niece Michelle. Today she’s beginning aggressive chemo treatments for non-hodgins lymphoma, a particularly aggressive strain of it. Pray for her courage and stamina and for her to lean on God and friends during this. She lives in Washington on the west coast.

A tough patch but still here

I do apologize to my dear friends for any worry I may have caused during my absence.
I wrote about the procedure I was facing on Oct. 23rd.. That was quite the day. We went into the procedure expecting it to be a re-do of the ablation I had done in April. It was expected to take 1 1/2 – 2 hours. Ended up taking 4 1/2 hours and being an entirely different procedure.
A if thank you to Debbie, Vi’s sister for being there for her. As more and more time passed the more worried Vi became. Thank you Deb.
I was given conscious sedation. Meaning I was awake during the whole thing. I can tell you operating room tables are not designed for comfort. One of the medication is designed to give short term amnesia. Meaning while you are awake, you have no or little memory of the procedure when it is all done. I seen to have a high tolerance to medications and even being memory guy do remember at least some. Can’t be sure how much but enough.
I was listening to the doctors talk and heard their surprise and short term confusion when they realized it was not a simple ablation that I required.
Maybe more accurate to say surprised. All the sophisticated testing equipment them have, is not as accurate as the doctor’s eyes once he is actually in the heart. I have nothing but the highest praise for all involved. They had obviously been thrown a curve ball but they immediately kicked into high gear to find the issue. They conducted all sorts of tests right in the heart. All of this stretched the procedure time to the 4 1/2 hours. Thank you to them and to God their efforts paid off.
It was an ablation I required but a totally different one in a different area of the heart that I required. Thankfully they were able to successfully complete it.
Afterwards the doctor told me I was very lucky in that I’d they had known in advance what it was they were facing prior to beginning it is doubtful they would have even attempted it, very high risk.
Physically, it really put me on my butt. That old heart of mine has pulled me through again. This procedure was a success in that it was designed to improve quality of life not quantity. The heart failure and those issues are totall separate.
Breathing is improved, I am not falling down it was a success.
My biggest issue was allowing negativity to enter my mindset. Fear. During this whole time I have been at a much higher risk of a stroke. The though of a major stroke got to me scared me.
Is it strange, I am more prepared, less afraid of dying than I am of that major stroke.
I thank all for the prayers. I know they helped get me through this.

Long past due update

Hadn’t realized how long it has been since I have bee on the blog. Time seems to be just flying past. Not sure how I keep busy doing nothing. Napping most of the afternoon does speed the day by. I know I am napping to much as it is causing me to be up later in the evening.
It was a good summer, got to spend some time with both daughters and families. Love my little princesses.
By my standards it was too hot with high humidity far too many days. Breathing is much more difficult when it is like that.
Medically, not a lot has really changed. I am scheduled for another heart ablation on Oct. 23. That though is dependant on getting my blood work in line. I take warfarin to thin my blood, reduces risk of a stroke. For the ablation if blood is too thick greater risk of major stroke, too thin greater risk I’d bleeding out.
I am hoping they can go for it. Had an ablation in I think April, at the same time one of the heart meds was increased. Not sure which to credit or a combination of both as made things better. In one way nothing has changed in that I still have my episodes almost nightly. Light headed dizzy, wonkie head, falling, heart acting up. Improvement is everything while being the same the severity has lessened. I am more careful in getting up so yes I have fallen but I guess I am more prepared. If I fall now it is back on to the bed or back into the chair. Haven’t actually hit the floor in at least a couple of months.
The light foggy head thing is more frequent but also not as severe as times in the past.
Realizing more and more, this body of mine just doesn’t have the energy it once did. The constantly being tired, no energy, lethargic is getting to me. I am in God’s hands what better place could I be