Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Personal Prayer Request

April 30, 2009

My youngest brother, Eric, is today going for surgery to have his gall bladder removed. I ask for prayers for his speedy recovery.

Now, this is the way I see it. As I am the elder brother obviously I have had more time to accumulate wisdom and am therefor the “wiser” brother. LOL. Now as I have so often raved about the nurse’s, I think he is just going to check them out. LOL. Eric, I pray for your speedy recovery.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Punishing our bodies

April 28, 2009

Starting to feel a lot better, not that I was feeling anything but tired. It is amazing how traveling can tire me out. I flew home from my wonderful visit, but based on how tired I was, you could have thought that I had walked the entire way.

Usually, if I decide to have a nap I can drop off the sleep pretty much anywhere. That is unless I am sitting in an upright position. I learned something on this trip. Now I am not sure if this applies to all planes or just the model I was on. If your seat is right infront of one of the emergency exits, the seat doesn’t recline at all. Who knew? Well not me anyway.

Past few days I have been felling a little down. Partly, because of leaving my little princesses and partly I know from just being tired. I slept very poorly my last night there. It was almost like I didn’t want to go to sleep as I knew as soon as I awoke I would be leaving. I wanted to extend my waking time there as long as possible. I think I got about 3 hours sleep and then missed my cherished afternoon nap. I was pooped, but have caught up and the world is better.

Accepting physical limitations is difficult for anyone. I think that this is even more so the case if indeed you limitations are lessening with time. Lessening with time but at a gradual rate almost sneaking up on you. On a day by day basis you don’t even realize it is happening. It is only when you try to exert yourself or push yourself even a little that you can see a difference. A difference in what you can do today compared to say a year ago or sometimes even just a few months ago.

I can now look back over virtually my entire life time and see how I ignored what my body was often telling me, that it needed rest. I was caught on the fast tread mill of life and just pushed harder and harder. No time for a  break or a rest just push through. I can rest later when things aren’t quite so hectic. It seemed though that life just never got any less hectic and proper rest was always that elusive goal down the line somewhere. It is no secret everyone know I take my afternoon nap. I am not sure how many people have made some sort of a comment as to how much they envy that. How they wish they could get a little extra rest but just have no time. Caught on that ever rushing never ending treadmill of life. Constantly rushing forward, but to where and to what? Struggle and fight, push yourself to get through today, just so you can get up and do it all over again tomorrow.

I have heard the expression countless times, “Your health is everything.” We all know this but still fail to take it to heart. We push our bodies beyond their limits eventually to the breaking point, and why? If we truly look at the big picture of life by pushing go hard, by working so hard, what have we accomplished? I can assure you when you realize you are dying, the size of your house or the price tag on the car in the driveway will suddenly make no difference at all. The reality of what is important in life will suddenly hit you in the face and it does have nothing to do with money.

I would hope that any that may read this, would just ask themselves one question! Am I trapped on that “treadmill” of life? Pushing, working, punishing our bodies thinking, life will be easier or better when I just get over that next hill in the road of life. When I get past this one obstical or reach that one goal, life will be better and I can relax a little. If that is the case then wonderful. But, I have to wonder for how many that is true. Is it more likely that we will get ourselves past this one “issue” only to find ourselves immediately facing another. We go in a circle as now we think, once I get past this life will be golden. I think it is more likely we just jump from one “treadmill” to the next, with each moving a little faster than the past. We push harder, punishing our bodies more and more.

When is enough, enough? I am not sure, is it human nature that causes us to constantly strive for more, for bigger, for better? We punish and use up our bodies in this never ending quest.

Wow, just started going and got onto a real ramble here. I started off simply going to say something like: It is only now at this point in my life that I can really appreciate the need for our bodies to rest. That not only applies to me now, but to everyone. In times gone by I have just never realized how important it is.  I suppose my point is happiness, contentment, satisfaction all come from within.
We don’t need to punish or abuse our bodies to attain that.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Blog Hard to Write

April 26, 2009

I am settling back into the routine of life but often sitting back and savoring the memories of a wonderful vacation. This may sound a little strange and maybe it is. I don’t know. Daily, I am trying to relive some of the wonderful times in my mind, savoring each moment. I am doing this for 2 reasons. The first is obviously to just enjoy the memory, treasure the moments. The second is possibly the strange one. I admit to having a memory almost like a sieve, so much just seems to pass through and is not retained. I so desperately want to retain these memories. Maybe if I continually replay them in my mind they will become inbedded there somewhere and will remain with me forever. I pray and hope so.

It is not until I am back that I really realize how much I needed a break from the realities of my life. This last heart attack, #5, seems to have really taken a lot out of me, both physically and emotionally. I needed the break to recharge my batteries so to say. What a wonderful break (vacation) I had.

I am not sure if a getaway is physically or emotionally essential, in fact I am sure it isn’t but it can certainly help. By getting away, putting myself into a different environment, I was able to for that short time remove myself from my regular life. It takes only slight mental effort to spend that time absorbed in your new surroundings. Temporarily at least leaving behind all the stresses of regular life. There is no one irregardless of the health that doesn’t have stress or pressure in their lives. A break from that is wonderful and refreshing. For me it was a huge added bonus that I got to spend the time with my daughter’s family and her wonderful dauthers, my GRAND DAUGHERS. I am such a lucky man.

I realize getting a “break” from life is mostly in your mind. You can travel anywhere but if you carry with you the mental and emotional stresses, you accomplish very little.

For me it was very easy to leave the thoughts of my reality behind as I become absorbed into the world of my grand daughters. I was able to temporarily abandon all thought of my own world filled with health issues and this whole dying business. To be able to mentally do this I had to almost abandon this my beloved blog. Oh, I checked in often but kept my mind more as that as one of a curious reader. I even made a couple of short posts. Mostly to assure blogging friends I was OK. Even in these I kept the topic cheerful writing of my wonderful time.

For me this blog has become a very large part of my reality, maybe it has even become my purpose for being. I do know there have been days when it has become the purpose or reason that I have dragged my lazy butt out of bed.

I love this blog, I love all the people it has brought into my life.It has given me a purpose, to try to help others. There are times when that becomes difficult, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. How is it difficult it may be asked? All you do is write about what is happening in your life. That is true. Well, none of us know how long we have left on this world and we just plain don’t like to even think about it. I am no different. I have accepted my days may be fewer than I would like but it is something I don’t really like to think of or dwell on. I am not afraid of what is to come, I just don’t necessarily want to be thinking of it all the time.

Every time I come on the blog it hits me right in the face: “Dying Man’s Daily Journal”. I still wouldn’t change anything about my blogging experience, it has been wonderful but yes, difficult at times.

I have though decided I want to change one thing, the title. I want to get rid of the “Dying Man” part. I am not sure what to change it too and am looking for suggestions.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Sad Grandpa

April 25, 2009

I am back home and am very much feeling the part of a sad and lonely grandpa. I spent the past 2 weeks visiting my daughter, Billie, hubby Rob and my 2 wonderful grand daughters. It is amazing how fast 2 weeks can flash by, too fast it seemed.

Billie and Rob were excellent hosts ensuring my visit was an enjoyable one. Billie is an exceptional cook and I dined each evening with a different culinary delight. The love and attention showered on their kids, my grand children is a delight to see. Their parenting skills and love of their children is so easily seem in the end result. That being my grand daughters, who are easily the most beautiful, the smartest and the best behaved children in THE WORLD. I could say something like, with a grandpa like they have, how could they turn out other wise, but that would have to be followed with a “LOL” so I won’t bother.

I am a very proud grandpa and will be bragging about them in posts to come. Ah, what the heck, I can’t pass up on an opportunity to do at least a little right now. Both are real beautiful princesses in the realm of my heart.

Little princess Emery is easily the happiest baby I have ever seen. She has a smile that just lights up a room and she is constantly sharing those smiles with everyone. Grandpa sees that smiling face and just melts inside.

Now princess Sage is 3. In most ways just the typical happy 3 year old, playing all sorts of games and has a wonderful imagination. Sometimes she is so smart, though it is so easy to forget she is only 3. Here comes some of the grandpa bragging.

She can count to 10 in French, Spanish and well obviously English. Now in English, she doesn’t stop at 10 but has gone up to 250, quitting counting when she got bored.

She has the alphabet down pat, frontwards and backwards. English and French.

She can sound out the letters of the alphabet, using the sounds of each letter to read words.

OK, it was in general terms but she explained the rain forests in Brazil to me.

I will no doubt be sharing or rather bragging more in the future. OK, I have to say it, how could she be otherwise with a grandpa like she has, and here is the LOL.

I am missing my little princesses.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Posting from Wonderland

April 21, 2009

I have been enjoying the wonders of a very special 2 week vacation. I will be sharing some of the loving, wonderful experiences I have had. Yes, getting drooled on does qualify as a wonderful experience, well I suppose that definitely  does depend on who is doing the drooling. If it is my little 6 month old little princess, a wet shirt is definitely acceptable.

I will share the stories of flying all over the world. My 3 year old princess being the pilot. Now, preparations for the flights took most of the time. It was only after being properly prepared was I often informed of the destinations. One memorable flight was to Australia, the actual flight only took seconds. That because the pilot could fly the plane very fast. Prior to each flight grandpa was inspected to make sure he was ready, would be comfortable and entertained. Necklaces were a requirement for each flight and grandpa became so adorned. Ensuring grandpa wouldn’t become bored he was usually provided with a teddy bear to hug, a set of drum sticks and a ball to play with and a book to read.  Every flight was wonderful.

Flying home on Friday, will likely be back on the blog on Saturday.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Love is all that matters

April 15, 2009

I have rediscovered something I have always known, or maybe had a reminder of what is truly important in life, that is love.

Can you imagine a situation in which someone can spit up on you, even throw up on you, or drool all over the front of your shirt to the point you have a big wet spot on it and you don’t mind in the least little bit.. I can, I am experiencing it now. Can you imagine sitting and loving every moment of time as a 3 year old patiently teaches you how to put together a jig saw puzzle. This is the life I am currently living and it is wonderful. No, somehow the word wonderful doesn’t come close to describing my feelings.

Grandchildren are such a precious gift, I am such a lucky man. The sad part for me is that my grandchildren live so very far away from me, not sure but it must be something like 1,000 miles., I am not sure maybe because I don’t get to see them it magnifies the wonder of the time I can share with them. I am not sure of that as some how I just can’t imagine feeling any differently even if I saw them everyday.

Can a simple smile light up your day? YES, it can!!!! Just a single little smile from my 2 little princesses and this grandpa turns to total mush inside, every care or thought in the world suddenly just vanishes. Often I have written of the power of a simple smile, asking for them to be passed on to others. I can certainly attest to the power of the smile.

Every night when I go to bed I have such a warm fluffy feeling inside, it is wonderful. There has been a time or two as I lay there at night when niggling little thoughts enter my head. Sad thoughts, that this may well be the last time I see my little princesses or be blessed by one of those wonderous smiles. I do my best to immediately push those thoughts away I am not going to let thoughts of tomorrow spoil or even affect my today Read the rest of this entry »

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Happy Grandpa

April 15, 2009

Is it possible for a 6 month old little girl and a 3 year old little girl both to have a 56 year old grandpa totally wrapped around their little fingers. YES, it is. I guess I could easily be described as a doting grandpa, a very happy grandpa.

There are times in your life you just have to do, what you have to do and for me coming here making this trip was an absolute has to do thing. I am such a lucky man

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Special Visit

April 14, 2009

Just a quick update to let everyone know I am doing well,
Saturday I got on a plane and flew away to a magical place. Why is is magical, well it is because there are 2 beautiful little princesses that live here.
Some would call them my grand daughters and that they are, lucky me. But they are also the princesses of my heart.
Will try to post updates on my precious visit.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – “Good” Friday

April 10, 2009

Today is Good Friday. A very special day on the Christian calendar. Today is the day we stop to reflect on and appreciate the sacrifice made by our Savior, Jesus Christ as He died on the cross for our sins.

As I am sitting here, it suddenly makes me wonder how did this date become known as “Good” Friday? I suppose I could google it but am to tired right now.

I am in a very deep reflective mood today. Thoughts of death, dying and the After Life are running though my mind much more than they have of late. It took heart attack #5 to jolt my mind back to my reality. If I had to have a heart attack I am glad it was just a month or so before Easter. The heart attack gave me the reality check I obviously must have needed. Easter gives me the chance to recharge my “Spiritual batteries” so to speak.

I write of my strong Spiritual beliefs that have helped my so very much and that is all true. I do have to admit though that there are times especially when I am not feeling well or am really tired, that little questions, doubts or fears can enter my mind. Thoughts like, “what if I am wrong’? No one has ever come back from the otherside so how do I really know? When thoughts like this hit me, I know it is time to recharge those “Spiritual” batteries, which is what I am doing now.

So here is how I see it playing out. Now this is “According to Bill”:

Now, I am really over simplifying. Jesus died, was sacrificed on the cross so that our sins could be forgiven. By “our” sins I mean all generations to come, which includes all of us.

To me this says that God, recognized us as being human beings that would make mistakes and commit sins. If He expected perfection from us or if we were able to attain perfection, there would have been no need for the sacrifice. If we were perfect we wouldn’t be sinning, now would we.

Our Heavenly Father love us all equally, no exceptions. He sees us for what we are, human beings with all the weaknesses that come with that. Does He expect perfection, No. BUT, I believe He does expect us to keep trying. Trying to live the best lives we can on a daily basis, will we always suceed, no, but we must keep trying. What more could a Loving Father expect of his children?

As I see it, living the best lives we can, is doing our part to daily try to make this world a little bit of a better place. The best way I see to do this, is to work on ourselves at becoming a better person. Opening our hearts to others. By helping and supporting others in their quest to become better people we are helping ourselves much more. We develop a love heart to all. Some may think, there is nothing I can do that would be significant enough to make any sort of change. This can be so wrong. Any act of kindness makes a difference, a kind word makes a difference. It well may be that the biggest difference we find with in ourselves.

God Bless to all

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Urgent Prayer request please.

April 8, 2009

It is with a heavy heart that I write today’s post. I always encourage all to read the wonderful comments left here on the blog, from people literally around the world. These comments so often contain wisdom far beyond any I can deliver. There are times when these comments contain great sadness and messages of people in urgent need. So often there is really nothing we can do to help, but offer our prayers. The power of prayer is awesome more powerful than we can imagine. Please may we join together in offering our prayers. There is so much I could say but there is nothing more powerful than the messages contained in the comments themselves.

I give you the comment I recieved this morning from my dear blogging friend Jo:

Hi Bill,
I am asking for prayer requests for one of my dearest girlfriends. Her husband has gone missing at sea and we are now on day 5 of the search. They have found the boat, found his friends body, but still cannot find her husband Jason. I will attach the related article in the paper


I have spent the last 4 nights on her couch and watched with agony the pain at the thought of not being able to retrieve his body. To have found his mate John yet no signs of Jason is like torture. We have accepted that Jason has gone, but to not find his body is torture for his family. He leaves his wife Tanya & their two girls who are 4 & 6. Please the more prayers we have out there the better.
Bill I will write a more detailed email to you when I can, I was just wanting to get this prayer request out. We have to have a body, and theirs just no two ways about it.
I thank everyone for their help

Jo, I ask that you please keep me updated on things as they happen. You know all are in my prayers and in the prayers of many.

I now give you the comment left by my new blogging friend Sarah. Sarah and I have exchanged emails and I look forward to hearing more from her. Here is the comment left by Sarah:

Dear, dear dying man,
I am dying too. I’m 63 and female and a life-long smoker who is now predictably dying of lung cancer. I’ve had a turn with chemo and then a few short days with a biological agent called Tarceva which almost killed me. There’s nothing left but a more toxic chemo that the oncologist thinks I won’t survive.
I’m so sad this morning…so sad to be leaving my three grown children…my babies, my babies I cry at night. Some days I just want to be left alone to mindlessly watch the food network and let the Ativan keep me from screaming…other days I want to be held like a child and comforted. So far the treatments have made me feel worse than the cancer, but that will change. I remember laying motionless in bed after one of the chemos thinking I didn’t know people could feel that sick without dying…and yet now I know that was only a preview. I’m not afraid to die…I’m afraid of the suffering before it.
I’m sorry, dying man, I’m so sorry you are facing tenacious death at such a relatively young age.
I’m sorry our measure of life is not what we wanted it to be and that we always thought we had time. I’m sorry that your life is being interrupted right in the middle of your dreams, that your strength is being eroded just as you were about to use it to do that thing you always wanted to do but kept putting off. I’m sorry that no one lets you talk about it the way you want to. I’m just so sorry.
Dying Woman”

Sarah, I welcome and look forward to anything you may wish to share.

What more can I say, what more do I need to say. Other than to ask for prayers and messages of support.