Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Coming to acceptance

I am feeling, I suppose more settled, maybe I have reached a level of acceptance. My brothers passing came as such a shock. Bad or damaged hearts were something we had in common. Supposedly, I was in the more serious condition as there is just nothing more they van do. For Robin there was something they could do. A surgical procedure that when completed would totally have him back on his feet, feeling better than he had in years. We all knew his heart was in bad shape but it could be fixed so we were just not all that concerned. July 17th was the day. Turns out to be a day just a little to far in the future.

It has been a few days and I suppose my mind has had the time it needed to recover from that shock. While I am certainly not OK with this whole thing. I have reached a level of acceptance. With that life has become to some degree easier, have been able to let go of some one the stress. That was hitting me hard, bringing on a lot more chest pain. Have used the nitro spray more this past few days than likely the entire previous month.

memorial service is tomorrow. It will be a hard day.

If anyone has time to say an extra prayer it will be appreciated

Robin

Robin Nicholas Howdle.  

Memorial Service: Thursday, May 29, 2014 at 7:30 p.m. from the Sneath-Strilchuk Funeral Chapel in Dauphin, Manitoba.
Donations: Parkland Humane Society.

Peacefully, Robin Nicholas Howdle, at the age of 58, passed from this world at his home in Dauphin, Manitoba on May 22nd, 2014.
He is survived by his loving wife Debbie of 19 years and sons Trent and Travis. Brothers Bill (Vi), Eric (Lynda), Bryan (Victoria), sister Anita, brothers-in-law Ronald, Keith (Doris), Ross, Daryle and sister-in-law Karen and numerous nieces and nephews.
Robin was born March 5, 1956 in Snow Lake, Manitoba and at a young age moved to Dauphin. In his younger years he was an avid hockey player, at one time playing for the Dauphin Kings and coaching youngsters. Through the years if the Kings were playing you knew he would be there in the stands cheering them on.
His entire working career he worked for the local Ford Dealership. The dealership may have changed owners and names several times, but one of the things that did not change was Robin. His dedication and hard work earned him the respect of co-workers and customers alike.
As the years advanced, Robin became more content with a quiet home life occasionally going fishing or golfing, but especially enjoying time with his sons.
A man with a heart of gold, he will be missed by many.
If friends so desire, donations may be made to the Parkland Humane Society.
Arrangements were entrusted to Sneath-Strilchuk Funeral Services with funeral homes in Dauphin, Roblin and Ste. Rose du Lac.

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Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Survivor Guilt

This is a difficult post for me to write. Emotionally, I am really struggling.

There are things I need to get off my chest. Past experience has taught me right here is the best place to do it. This past few days has really shown how you life can change in but a blink of the eye.

we left town for but a day. I was a grandpa going to get snuggles from a 2 year old little princess. For a grandpa there is nothing more wonderful than laying on a couch with a little princess laying on your chest all snuggled in. I was in grandpa Heaven. We drove back to the city and I am still floating up on cloud 9, life is so good.

We had been home but minutes and the hammer fell. I got a call telling me my younger brother had passed. This was so unexpected, a total shock. Now it was well known he had a very serious heart condition, needing a valve replacement. This was complicated in that his existing valve had crystallized making regular open heart surgery just to risky. Doctors explained there were 2 other much less risky ways in which this could be done. It was just a matter of deciding which was the preferred way. Countless tests were done to help them decide on the best route. All was finally decided and a surgery date was even set, July 17th.. The surgeon was confident after the surgery, he would feel like he did 15 years ago.
I am really struggling right now. Is it survivor guilt or something I don’t know. Struggling that I lost a brother. But also struggling in that this was supposed to be me that dies.
For years now it has been made clear there is nothing more that can be done for me. I was told I am down to days, maybe weeks but not months, that was about 1 1/2 years ago. Yet some how here I am.
For Robin, there was something that could be done. Yet, here I sit working on his obituary.

R.I.P. Robin Howdle – Prayers Please

I have for about a year and a half been writing of my brothers heart condition. Of his need for heart surgery and of the seemingly endless tests he was put through as doctors decided the best course of action, being how to perform the surgery.

We were so relieved when all was decided and even the date set, July 17th. This was to be surgery that would restore his heart health to what it was about 15 years ago. So much to look forward to.

Sadly, this was not to be. Last evening my brother Robin passed from this world. He leaves behind wife, Debbie and sons Trent and Travis. I ask for prayers please.

Create a bucket list

The more I think about it the more I believe everyone irregardless of age, health or anything else should have a bucket list. What is a bucket list? Well, it is a list of things I/you want to do before you die. Speaking for myself and from generally what I see around me, few if any seem to even think of such a list until their time is limited and health compromised. By that time it is often to late to realistically be able to do many of these things. Here I can speak from experience.

The very term bucket list seems to have a negative feel to it. Maybe a name change to say “life accomplishment list” would be more appealing. A list of things we would like to do at sometime in our lives. Now just having the list is but the start. We also need to be working towards achieving it. If we are not at least doing something, even taking little baby steps towards it, it will fall by the wayside and remain but a fantasy.

That is where I find myself with a fantasy bucket list together with another list. This one being the list of “if only’s” and the “why did I wait so long’s”.

Here is my list from about a year ago. Progress is being made. I will try and get an update up soon

 

I have long had a bucket list. I have been able to empty it at least twice. I am content with that as I have reached the point where I am struggling to come up with realist wishes to put into it. That leaves me with my fantasy bucket list. Now I have been thinking and realize these items are pretty much beyond my control which is why they are on the fantasy list. I realize though there are a few that I can at least take a shot at it, like nothing ventured nothing gained.

My fantasy bucket list:

1. Regain health and live another 25 years. Well I have to accept that one is beyond my control. I am comfortable knowing that is in the hands of our Heavenly Father, I can still hope.

2. Win the lottery. Now I do know I could help my chances out here by at least buying a ticket now and again.

The next few relate right here to my dear blog. Are they attainable, I don’t know. Are they a stretch, for sure or they wouldn’t be on the fantasy attainable ??????

3.Reach 500,000 hits.

4. Reach the 10,000 comments mark.

5. The annal report sent out by the web site showed in 2012 the blog had been read in 145 different countries. Apparently there are 195 different countries or independent states in the world. How would i reach that other 50 I don’t know but wouldn’t that be fantastic to know it had been read in every country in the world.

6. Have at least one comment left by at least one member of all of the different faiths and religions of the world. Dying is not just a Christian thing, this site is not intended to be strictly a Christian site. I think for this one I would have to be satisfied with someone from the major Faiths.

7. Meet in person for coffee of something at least 10 of you my blogging friends.

Obviously I am going to need a lot of your help with this. Suggestions, thoughts please.
I came across a saying it was something like this: “If we wait until the time is right to do things, we will spend the rest of our lives waiting”

Life is to be lived not endured

I have said it many times. Life is to be lived and not endured. How is it we so often don’t see the beauty, the wonders of our own lives until we realize we will soon loose it.

i certainly wish no harm to anyone but I have to believe a near death experience would/could be the very best experience of our lives. It being assumed full health is restored after. You do see things differently, you appreciate all that you have so much more. It takes work, effort on our part. Life really is one of those things that the more you put into it the more you get back. 

Life is a journey. A journey in which we get to choose our own path on a day by day basis. Every day we wake up is a new beginning. The first day if the rest of our lives. Ultimately all our individual paths end up at the same end, the same destination.

while on the journey how we choose to live us up to us. Every morning as we face a new day we have a very real choice to make. Am I going to live this day to the fullest. Make the best I can out of what is before me and be happy.

Or, am I going to waste the day feeling stressed, neglected, up upon……….

my days are very limited, I don’t want to waste any part of anyone of them

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Diabetes

My diabetes has been causing uncomfortable issues of late. I take 3 different oral medications and now have gone on to insulin. I’m even following the diet closer than ever before. Yet, when I check my blood levels are are spiking bouncing all over. In a given day they can bounce between 3 and 17-18. These big swings most definitely affect how you feel.

a lot of sweating to chills. It is hard to describe. When the sweating starts, it is like I can feel heat coming from within my body. I can feel it all over my body, arms, legs, torso, everywhere. It is to the point my hair is soaked and sweat stains all over my shirt.

When the chills hit, it is much the same but in reverse. The cold is coming from the inside. With the cold most often comes an uncomfortable “pins and needles sensation” across my upper back and down my arms. When that cold feeling sets in, no amount of blankets or anything else will warm you up.

The right dosages of the medications seem to be a trial and error type thing. I suppose as everyone’s body is different and can react differently to these or any medications it is understandable. I have total faith in my doctors. We will get this figured out

Adrenaline pumping

Had something very unusual happen the other day.

Vi and I were both down for a nap. As we both wear CPAP masks, I am sure we make quite the sight. Two of Vi’s sisters were visiting, they were coming and going shopping. We had left the front door unlocked to allow them to come and go as they pleased.

we have wonderful neighbours, a very nice family. They have 3 children that know us well, it is nice having kids in the neighbourhood.

OK, we are sleeping and it came as quite a shock gave me a real start when I am awoken by Niko (the son who is 10 or 11 years old). He had come right into the bedroom. Certainly wasn’t expecting that. But, I am very glad he did. He was obviously very scared. He and his younger sister had arrived home from school and could hear someone in their basement. “Could I Please come over and help them?”.

Now their 16 year old sister (attends a different school) would be arriving home within minutes but that is not something to leave for her to face. Without even thinking I put on my pants, grabbed my baseball bat and went running. I am expecting it is creaky floor boards or something. Once in the house though I realize I can hear someone down the basement, whoa.

I have the bat at the ready and start yelling. I hear foot steps coming up the stairs and I am ready.

Phew, it was the kid’s uncle. Apparently he comes over to do his laundry but at a set time and this was not the time now was his car parked out front to give the kids any idea it might be him. That got the adrenaline pumping.

I have to commend the kids for being wise enough to reach out for help when the perceive the need. Plus, I am glad they feel comfortable enough with Vi and I to just run into our home when scared.

it has been asked of me, why didn’t you call 911. Straight up, thought never even entered my head, I just grabbed the bat and ran. Not sure if what I did would actually qualify as running.

Motives questioned

A couple of days ago we finally had a day warm enough for me to be stating out on the front step. I took advantage of it. I realize I really am a people watching kind of guy. People are fascinating. It doesn’t matter young or old, sex, skin colour…… I know given the opportunity I could learn from something from every single person I ever encounter in life.

From my front step perch, I chat with many as they pass. With some it is just a quick exchange of pleasantries as they continue walking. Others stop and we chat about anything and everything. As a rule I verbally acknowledge everyone, often with a simple “hello, hope you are having a nice day.”

As with any rules there are exceptions. We live very close to an elementary school, K to six. Now unless I know them, I don’t speak to the children. Reasoning there is simple. I don’t want to startle or even maybe scare them as I am sure parents have many times told them not to speak to strangers. I understand and respect that.

I have long since noticed females are much less receptive to even a pleasant hello from a stranger, even an old goat out siting on his step. Some ignore the comment and quicken their pace. Others give a quick hello with a forced half smile. Some return my comment with a genuine smile and wish me a nice day. I did think it is sad, but I do understand the reluctance of many to speak to or even acknowledge a stranger. It is just the way the world is today. Hey, they don’t know I could some sort of weird pervert with who knows what kind of intentions. What are my intentions?
Simple to share a smile and possibly brighten someone’s day. Under these circumstances, am I accomplishing that? Or, am I just causing them to feel a little nervous about the old goat that tried to speak to them.
What do you think?

Urgent Prayer request

I have been told of the heart breaking agony a young couple in Alberta. I do not have permission to post details. Just know prayers would be so appreciated as their young son, who is but days old struggles for life,