I hope and pray 2011 is a wonderful year for all. I hope and pray for all that it is the very best year of your life so far and that each coming year after shall continue to just get better and better.
I am not making any New Year’s resolutions but I am approaching the new year with more resolve, a greater determination to work on myself physically, spiritually and emotionally. In the last day or so I responded to a comment in which I stated I am prepared for what lies ahead. I realize that has become like just a pat, routine answer. Something made me stop and really think about it. I realize that yes, there was indeed a time when I was prepared both emotionally and spiritually, prepared to go home whenever the Father called me. I feel I have let that state of preparedness slide. I am not sure becoming complacent or something. Maybe, it is I am not as prepared as I once was or as I would always like to be. Dying is kind of a big deal for all of us!!! If you know it is coming wouldn’t you want to be as prepared as you can. Well guess what? I know I am dying but I also know you are dying, timing is the only difference. I may be on a bit more of an accelerated plan but really how do you even know that.
It is 6 or 7 years now that my family and I have been dealing with this. When I first heard the you are dying words come out of my doctors mouth it set me into a bit of a tizzy. I think back and it was very shortly after that, that I learned of the brain tumor. When you know you are dying some how learning you also have a brain tumor makes that tumor almost irrelevant and inconsequential. I wonder how many people can say they learned they had a brain tumor and their reaction was, it’s not big deal. With the dying business it was no big deal. Emotionally and spiritually I was in a state of turmoil. I knew I had at least a little time left and I decided to make the best of it and prepare myself spiritually and emotionally. I was certain in my mind I did not have long to go. I “knew” I would not see my next birthday, but then I did. Then I was certain I wouldn’t see my daughters birthday, but then I did. Some how time just kept rolling by and I just kept plugging away. I did reach the point where emotionally and spiritually I felt I was prepared. That gave me a feeling of peace and internal serenity, knowing I am ready and can deal with what ever comes my way.
Ok, I was prepared, but for reasons known only to him, the Good Lord seemed to be not ready to call me. Time kept rolling by and I am still here plugging away. Some how through this my feelings of not seeing my next birthday was replaced with a feeling of I have another 10 or 15 years left in my yet. I even survived another heart attack in there somewhere. I became cocky, complacent. my daily prayers and meditation began to slip until here I am now.
I am not sure why but over the past 4 or 5 months that cocky feeling of I have a good 10 or 15 years left in my has gone. I am feeling uncertain about this year. i need to get back my sense of being prepared the peace and serenity that comes with it.
I found this blog helped me gain those feelings in the past and I am hoping it will do it for me again. I have to go back to the beginning. but I will get there.