Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Lost Peace and Serenity

December 31, 2010

 I hope and pray 2011 is a wonderful year for all. I hope and pray for all that it is the very best year of your life so far and that each coming year after shall continue to just get better and better.

I am not making any New Year’s resolutions but I am approaching the new year with more resolve, a greater determination to work on myself physically, spiritually and emotionally. In the last day or so I responded to a comment in which I stated I am prepared for what lies ahead. I realize that has become like just a pat, routine answer. Something made me stop and really think about it. I realize that yes, there was indeed a time when I was prepared both emotionally and spiritually, prepared to go home whenever the Father called me. I feel I have let that state of preparedness slide. I am not sure becoming complacent or something. Maybe, it is I am not as prepared as I once was or as I would always like to be. Dying is kind of a big deal for all of us!!! If you know it is coming wouldn’t you want to be as prepared as you can. Well guess what? I know I am dying but I also know you are dying, timing is the only difference. I may be on a bit more of an accelerated plan but really how do you even know that.

It is 6 or 7 years now that my family and I have been dealing with this. When I first heard the you are dying words come out of my doctors mouth it set me into a bit of a tizzy. I think back and it was very shortly after that, that I learned of the brain tumor. When you know you are dying some how learning you also have a brain tumor makes that tumor almost irrelevant and inconsequential. I wonder how many people can say they learned they had a brain tumor and their reaction was, it’s not big deal. With the dying business it was no big deal. Emotionally and spiritually I was in a state of turmoil. I knew I had at least a little time left and I decided to make the best of it and prepare myself spiritually and emotionally. I was certain in my mind I did not have long to go. I “knew” I would not see my next birthday, but then I did. Then I was certain I wouldn’t see my daughters birthday, but then I did. Some how time just kept rolling by and I just kept plugging away. I did reach the point where emotionally and spiritually I felt I was prepared. That gave me a feeling of peace and internal serenity, knowing I am ready and can deal with what ever comes my way.

Ok, I was prepared, but for reasons known only to him, the Good Lord seemed to be not ready to call me. Time kept rolling by and I am still here plugging away. Some how through this my feelings of not seeing my next birthday was replaced with a feeling of I have another 10 or 15 years left in my yet. I even survived another heart attack in there somewhere. I became cocky, complacent. my daily prayers and meditation began to slip until here I am now.

I am not sure why but over the past 4 or 5 months that cocky feeling of I have a good 10 or 15 years left in my has gone. I am feeling uncertain about this year. i need to get back my sense of being prepared the peace and serenity that comes with it.

I found this blog helped me gain those feelings in the past and I am hoping it will do it for me again. I have to go back to the beginning. but I will get there.

Dying Man’s Daily journal – Happy New Year.

December 31, 2010

I hope and pray all my dear blogging friends and any and all that may experience nothing but good health, happiness and love through out the up coming New Year.

Fort any that may be celebrating this evening, have fun but be safe. Don’t drink and drive..

As I wrote that line I got a little chuckle thinking of some, maybe most  of the New Year’s Eve celebrations in my past. Now this does go back a few years but I may have been known to celebrate just a little too hard. Just maybe, consuming a few more “beverages” than I maybe should have. Hey, that was when I was young and foolish not as I am now. LOL. Now we really are talking years ago, but there may have been times when, yes, I drove home, ever watchful for and fearful of being stopped by the police. REALLY REALLY STUPID I know and please don’t d it.

These days least here in Winnipeg. The police have extra check stops set up at various spots though the city specifically looking for drunk drivers. If you are stopped and are sober they give you a special ticket. A ticket you can use to enter a draw to win various prizes. Hey, now when I want to get stopped for one of those special tickets. Geesh, do you think you can find a police stop when you want one. LOL

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Facebook

December 30, 2010

Today I did something I should have done a long time ago. I deactivated my facebook account. I just never go on it, well maybe 3 or 4 times a year. It seems the blog and numerous emails keep me busy enough.

Last evening I received a rather concerned email, questioning why I had not accepted their friend request. Was there a problem or was I upset with them. The answer was no to both questions. I just never visit the site to see what is happening. Better to just delete the account and be done with it. Actually, I found I couldn’t delete it, just deactivate it, huh. So I am no longer on facebook if anyone is looking for me. That will explain why you may or I suppose may not get a message on facebook from me stating we are no longer friends. I hope we are still friends just not on that site.

Dying man’s Daily Journal – The Dying Process

December 28, 2010

I have received several requests both right here on the blog and via email to share my thoughts and feelings on what the dying process will be like. I almost think I have written about this in the past but am not really sure. I am not going to go back and look as I want to share my thoughts as they are today. I have evolved and changed as a person and I know some of my thinking has. I don’t really think it has changed much, my thinking that is, but that was then and now is now.

I remind all, I am not a doctor nor a man of the clergy and I have never witnessed or been present when someone died.  I am just me a regular guy, sitting at his computer sharing his thoughts. As a man facing his own demise, I acknowledge as I have been told that possibly this is but wishful thinking on my part. But, this is what I believe:

I am talking of the actual passing from this world to the next. While we are still on this side, our time well may be awful as our body is being ravaged by the disease or injury that has us on the brink of death. That is the part I do fear. That but marks the end of our time in this physical world.

I have had what I believe to be what we call a near death experience. It was right in the midst of heart attack #2. I was down on the ground experiencing intense pain all across my chest. It also felt like I had a huge weight on my chest, like someone was standing on my chest making it difficult to breathe. I will write about that experience in more detail some day. Let’s just say I was in a lot of discomfort struggling to breathe. I am not sure what happened but somehow suddenly the pain was gone. Where I had been consciously struggling to breathe, suddenly it wasn’t even a thought. I don’t have the words to describe it. To say I felt wonderful is such an understatement, so at peace, like I was basking in a warm glow. I did not see any lights or tunnels or any such thing. I was focused on my wife’s face (ex-wife now). As I was lying on the ground she was kneeling over me. I saw her face seem to very slowly start to float away. I then could hear her voice seemly coming from a long distance away, screaming at me to breath. Talking to her afterwards I learned that she had been screaming at me when I had in fact stopped breathing. This happened twice. As i listened to her voice, it was like her face started to float back towards me. The closer she came back came the chest pain and breathing issues. I am not sure how to explain that.

For my physical mind I need a physical reference to help me make sense of anything. Many have talked of a tunnel or something and that well may be. It is just for me to gain some sense of personal understanding, to allow me to picture or imagine it in my mind, I picture a doorway. In effect a doorway to the other side. God knows when we are to pass and He opens that doorway as a welcome to us as we near it. As we are preparing to leave this world we can see through that doorway. We can often see relatives or loved ones on the other side waiting to welcome us. When God deems the  time to be right He will call us to walk through that doorway entering the Kingdom of Heaven. I don’t know but I can only image that once through that doorway if we were to stop and think back we would be just shaking out heads at our dread and fear of this event.

Be it that we go through a doorway or a tunnel, it doesn’t really matter, the end destination is the same.

Please share your thoughts with me on this.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Alone at Christmas

December 25, 2010

I was thinking this morning (yes to family and friends, I can still do that just not often. LOL I think). I caught a weather forecast a day or two ago and saw there were massive storms forecast or happening all over the place. Holiday travelers are stranded, flights cancelled all sorts of things going on that would prevent many from making it to their Christmas destinations. Now that has to suck. Possibly being stranded in an airport or alone in a strange city, not at all where you want to be, especially at this time of the year.

As I thought of it I realized there are also many many others alone this Christmas Season. Now there can be countless reasons for this many beyond our control. It could be lack of money that prevents us from travelling, it could be having to work, there are all sorts of reasons. Or, it could be we are feeling terribly alone due to the passing of a loved one and this may in fact be our first Christmas without them. This list of reasons could just go on and on. irregardless of the reason why many of us are alone this Christmas. Many may be experiencing great dispare, anger, regret…… another list that could just go on and on.

It is to those that I specifically address this message, I pray it finds you.

As things in life work out, as I sit here I am alone. No family visits even Vi is not here. Where is Vi? Some time back she took on a part time job. Working ever second weekend. It is something she loves doing so good for her. Every second weekend, huh, that just happens to work out to be this weekend. Hey she is even working a double shift,now what is up with that. Actually, I have to tip my hat to her for doing it. She could have had the time off but instead opted for the double shift. To give some of the other workers with small children a chance to have the day off to spend with their families.

Now, here I have a choise to make. I can get myself all in a fret, stew about it and spoil my own Christmas Day. I mean come on now, none of the kids will be here and then Vi goes and takes on a double shift at work, geesh. Don’t they realize that means I am going to have to spend Christmas Day and most of the evening alone!!!!! don’t they realize the entire universe is supposed to revolve around me, especially at this time of the year. NOW WHAT IS UP WITH THAT.

Or, I can accept just “maybe” the entire universe doesn’t revolve around me, my plans and what I want. Now that is a humbling thought. Sometimes things just happen in spite of what I would like or want.

I am happy,content with the knowledge the kids are all safe and in a place where they are celebrating a wonderful Christmas. I am proud of Vi for taking on that extra shift so someone with a family on hand can be at home with them. I guess that means I accept the Universe does not revolve around me, how can that be. lol

If you happen to be alone some where and are feeling down or lonely and this message happens to find you. Please leave me a comment. I am not going to just sit here all day on the blog. But I will check in fairly often and if I do see such a message I will reply immediately. If the timing is right maybe we can get some sort of dialogue going between us. We can celebrate, alone but together.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – MERRY CHRISTMAS

December 25, 2010


Merry Christmas to to all. I pray all have a wonderfully happy and safe Christmas. Where ever you are, what ever you are doing may your day be wonderful

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Blog changes

December 17, 2010

I look outside this morning and more of that (%@*!) white stuff is falling from the sky. Yup, it is snowing again. We seem to be setting records this year (I think) for snow fall. Maybe it just seems that way. It is amazing how your out look or way of thinking changes as we “mature”. I can remember years back, it would snow and I would see a lot of the “old” guys out there shoveling even while it was still snowing. I laughed at them, not to their face of course. I thought how silly is that, just wait until it stops snowing and do it all in one shot.

Well guess what I have realized, I am now one of those old guys, geesh, how did that happen. Real snow shoveling is something I can’t do, But what I can do is when an inch or so of the soft fluffy stuff has accumulated. I can push the wide shovel down the sidewalk. When there is only an inch or less of the soft fluffy stuff it weighs virtually nothing. Huh,  maybe those old guys weren’t so silly after all.

There are a number of blog readers that have found me on facebook. Yup, I am there but not really. By that I mean, I am on facebook, it is just that with every thing else going on I just never seem to get on it. I mean I actually only check in on it maybe 3 or 4 times a year. A week or so ago, I did check in and found quite a number of friend requests, some from months ago.Hope I didn’t offend anyone by seeming not to accept their friend request in a timely manner. It is just I do not use that account. If you want to get in touch with me please use either the blog here or by email.

I am making some changes here on the blog. It has to do mainly with the pages listed across the top of the screen. I will be adding one new page and likely getting rid of at least a couple of the existing. Any thoughts or suggestions about the existing pages. The “Spirit within Me” page has special meaning to me. How do I revive interest in it?