Dying Man Daily Journal – Back to My Life.

December 30, 2006

Well another Christmas has come and gone. I am left with the warm memories of time with friends and family.

Haven’t felt so good the past couple of days, nothing serious just extra tired and have literally slept more hours than I have been awake. I didn’t do anything that I would have thought would tire me out more so than normal. I suppose just the excitement of the season and the family and friends.

I am not sure exactly which day it was, and may have been on Christmas Day, I am not sure. But, a thought came to me. I wish I could capture this moment, freeze it, and then some how project it forward through out the entire year. I mean permanently instill into everyones heart the exact feelings they were enjoying at that moment. Permanently instill all the special feeling of the Christmas Spirit, the love, the joy, the special feeling of love toward all man kind, the spirit of giving. I relished that moment and was sadden a little when I thought, in a day or two this will all be gone and we will all be plunked right back into our normal daily lives. We will carry a few warm memories in our hearts, but generally will carry on with our lives almost as if Christmas had never happened.

If anything, our mood and spirits can actually turn in the opposite direction as we are suddenly faced with the credit card bills accumulated over Christmas. Our spirits can almost go from one extreme to the other.

So here I sit, Christmas is over and I am back to facing my life. Facing the fact I am dying. Talk about an emotional change. One day celebrating a wonderous day, full of love and joy to the next day and back to facing, I am dying.

More than ever I am realizing my thoughts control my emotions. This together with the fact the Good Lord granted me free will, I can to a large extent chose how I am going to feel. I can chose to enter and live in my own private “kingdom of woe” be miserable and generally make the lives of all around me miserable.

Or, I can make the choose to be happy and enjoy my days. The quality of my life improves as does the quality of all those around me. “Just because I have a pain doesn’t mean I have to be one”

Ultimatley, the end result will be the same. The only difference will be how I chose to spend the time. When I think of it how can I be anything but so happy and grateful, I am such a lucky man.

I think I am hard done by when I miss “A” meal because of my upset stomach, millions are starving and miss most meals, really how can I complain.

Millions are all alone facing the same situation as I am, but they are alone or in fear. I have my family, friends and have no fear. How can I complain.

I could continue this list forever, I am a lucky man. I know this and want to hold that thought in my mind and in my heart everyday.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – After Christmas

December 28, 2006

Well Christmas is over and done with for another year. All that is left is paying the credit card bill. Christmas was wonderful, had lots of family around both from my side and from Vi’s side.

Christmas eve was over at my brother Eric’s home, great food and even better company. Christmas day started off pretty quiet and slow for me. Vi was busy cooking, she is a wonderful cook. I always tell her, it doesn’t seem to matter what it is, if it comes out of Vi’s kitchen it will taste good. I was designated the task of peeling potatoes, turnips, shelling the eggs etc.. I am sure my professional potato peeling must have enhanced the flavor. haha.

About 3:00pm we went over to Vi’s mother’s home. House was just bursting with family. What a meal, there were so many different dishes to chose from you just couldn’t fit them all one one plate. Vi’s brother John flew in from Thompson, Ralph drove from Edmonton (15 hour drive). Christmas Day in the evening my daughter Shauna and husband Jake arrived as did stepson Rob and Vi’s other sister Joan.Debbie and Neil (yet another of Vi’s sisters) arrived with daughter Sarah. Turned into a big sleep over at our house. Vi had a great time with her sisters. They sat up until about 5:30am talking and reminiscing. I am sure a few glasses of wine were shared. Ok, I know quite a few glasses were shared.

Yesterday, Shauna, Jake and Rob were still here when my brother Eric, wife Lynda, my niece Sara and her boyfriend Neal came by. Another very nice day and evening. All, in all, I couldn’t really have had a better Christmas, well unless Billie, Bor and Sage had been able to come. But you can’t have everything.

I have taken some friendly teasing from various family members, “why didn’t you mention my name in you blog? I want to be famous too” Well, I am not sure about the famous part but I think I got in all the names, sorry if I missed anyone. I didn’t even try all the nieces, nephews and grandchildren, I could be typing for a week.

Why is it that it now seems like Christmas almost sets you up for a big fall. Through the Christmas season prayers seem more meaningful or heartfelt of something. I know that is wrong, all prayers though the entire year are meaningful, but some how at Christmas they seem more special or something.

In the physical sense, there is all the excitement, the build up, the anticipation and then bang, it is all gone in one day. Suddenly you are back to facing the realities or life or the real world. For me that feeling is like business as normal, happens every year. But, not this year.

This year I am determined to carry that special Christmas “glow” through out the year. When I think of it, why is Christmas so special? Answer to that is obvious, to celebrate a miraculous birth over 2,000 years ago and I totally agree if there is ever a reason to celebrate, that is it. The coming of Jesus to this earth, I can’t even find word to describe wonders of this event.

I am struggling with the wording here, to really express my thoughts and feelings the way I mean them. I can not describe strongly enough how important it is to me or how grateful I am to have Jesus in my life. His presence is so important to me on a day to day basis. I almost feel hypocritical or something. In my mind it seems almost like I am saying, Dear Jesus, I love you and you are so important and special in my life every day, but even more special on 2 days of the year, Christmas and Easter. That is so wrong, this year I am going to try to keep the special “Christmas” spirit alive in my heart all year long. The birth, a reason to celebrate, oh, yes but so is his existance in my heart on a daily basis. That will be my reason to continue celebrating almost as if it were Christmas every day of the year.

Going beyond the religious or spiritual aspects of Christmas to the physical. This is a season of good will towards all, loving gatherings of family etc.. All very wonderful and so special but why do we limit that to Christmas. I love my family just as much every other day of the year. I can show the same good will and cheer towards all, every day of the year.  This year I am going to.

I suppose that is my New Years resolution. Keep the Christmas Spirit alive in my heart all year long.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal _ Christmas Day

December 25, 2006


It is Christmas day and what a wonderful day it is. I am feeling good and my world is good. I am a lucky man and I know it and appreciate it. If everyone could feel even 1/2 as good as I do today the world would be such a wonderful place. But, this world is a wonderful place full of so many nice people. In my travels I have met so many people and I have been blessed by meeting every single person I met. Whether, that meeting was in person, over the phone, or in this blog. Every single person affected my life in some way. No matter how fleeting or seemingly inconsequential the meeting may have even seemed, it played a role in my life. Helping to mold or form me into the person I am today. I thank you and ask may God bless you all.

It reminds me of a quote Vi came upon years ago and cherishes to this day.

“Your life is like a tapestry being woven by God and history on an enchanted loom. Every bobble of the shuttle has meaning, every thread is important. As the thread in that tapesty, every event in your life has some meaning and purpose for the larger pattern, even if you can not see this at the moment.”

I think of this and it gives me a feeling of love for every single living thing on this planet. So many contributed a thread to the tapestry of my life, but in turn thousands of others contributed to the tapestry of their lives and on and on it goes. Considering it that way, my life has been affected by every single person on this planet. I love and pray for blessings on you all.

All these individual tapestries being carefully and loving wooven by our loving Father in Heaven, to whom all the real credit and thanks is due. Thank you Father.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – MERRY CHRISTMAS

December 25, 2006

There really are no words that can describe the depth of the wishes I have for all in this wonderful season.

I wish all a MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS. May this season bring peace and joy the likes of which could only be surpassed by Heaven itself. I shout to the rafters HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS.

As I sit here thinking I realize there, this year as in all years, past and future, be in general terms, 3 different types of Christmas celebrations.

There are those that will celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. What greater reason could there ever be to celebrate. A season of peace and love, abounding happiness.

There will be those that celebrate more the love of family, with family gathering from all over. A season of peace and love, abounding with happiness.

The third group. I pray and ask that all pray for these people. People for whom this year and maybe other years, Christmas is not a time of celebration but of deep sorrow. Deep sorrow and grief, possibly, this is the first Christmas alone after the passing of a loved one. There could be a million reasons why these people are unable to enjoy the true happiness and joy of the season. Possibly already suffering from a loss, they are loosing again. Loosing the happiness and joy of this season.

I am so so lucky through this Christmas season and I thank God for that. I pray for all, but maybe a little more so for those that have not been blessed with my good fortune.

We have a lot of family arriving in the next day and while I do plan on writing every day, please no worries for anyone if I do miss a day. I am celebrating.


Bill and Vi

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Thoughts/Comments

December 23, 2006

It is Saturday, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, wow, has it ever seemed to sneak up on me. this whole past year had just rocketed past. Vi’s blood pressure seems to be a little more normal and she says she is feeling better, but is still very pale. I hope she is feeling better and not just saying that to reassure me wanting to make me feel better. Is it strange though, I do feel better, hearing her say the words even if I have some doubts in my mind. Is it also strange that how she is feeling seems to directly effect how I feel?

Yesterday, I was really wrapped up in my own little world and didn’t write anything. I always try to respond to each comment left and haven’t even done that in the past few days, my apologizes to all. But, even though I didn’t write, I still checked in occasionally, looking for comments. For those I received I was so grateful. I have come to realize, it doesn’t even so much matter what is said in the comment, it is more that someone was thinking of me and took the time to leave a comment. These are all random acts of kindness to a stranger, thank you. The thought someone cares enough to take the time to send a message out weighs any words that could be written in any message. Hello, my name is Bill and I am a comment-aholic, I am addicted to comments.

This seems so fitting as we are in the Christmas season. A season to feel love toward all, that I truely realize the importance, the value of having warmth and love for all. For family of course but so much more, our friends and neighbors. Our world has change to the point everyone in the world has now become our neighbor. Shouldn’t we treat everyone as our neighbors as that really is what they are. Why should I care or be effected by what some one on the other side of the world thinks or says? But, I am. Most comments I don’t know where they originate from, some I have learned. There is one wonderful young lady, Diana, she is in India. Now how could the thinking of one young lady in India effect me? She does, by occasionally leaving thoughtful comments. Thank you Diana. It isn’t the words she says as much as just knowing someone out there cares and has my best wishes at heart, that is uplifting.

I more than ever realize the value of the thought, often there are no words that can be said, that are of any real meaning in themselves, it is the attempt, the thought that counts.

Now, realizing how valued and treasured a few simple words can be even from a stranger. I regret all the times in the past I missed to share a few words. I was either thoughtless, in to much of a rush or even felt anything I could say wouldn’t make a difference. I now realize, those unspoken words could have make a difference, granted it may have been only a small difference, but who is to know.

If every comment has such an effect on me, surely it would do the same to all others. Lets not wait until a person is dying before we find something nice to say. Not just because it is Christmas, but lets spread love and kindness though our comments to all. The words aren’t as important as the thought and spirit in which they are intended.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Hospital

December 21, 2006

I have pretty much a standard joke everytime I am hospitalized. I suppose it is really just more a comment intended to be funny. When anyone asks how I am, I reply, I am fine I just had to check out the pretty nurses. Well last night I checked out the pretty nurses again. But this time under much more difficult circumstances.

I have always said I think it is much harder on the family than it is on a patient when in the hospital. Well, I got first hand experience at that last night. Vi was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I have been taken to the hospital dozens of times. Even on the occasions when I was having a heart attack, not for one second did I find it as troubling or worrysome as it was last night. Vi is now back at home and doing much better, but oh, what an experience. It brought back memories of the feelings of worry and helplessness I felt when my daughters were hopsitalized. I so wished it could have been me laying on the hospital bed instead of them.

Vi is a little bundle of energy always full speed ahead, nothing can stop her and very few things can even slow her down. She hasn’t been feeling well for the past couple of days, but in her typical style that didn’t slow her down. Yesterday she took her mother shopping a regular event. She came home early, saying she had to quit part way through their list of errands, she just wasn’t feeling well. For Vi to do that you KNOW she is REALLY not feeling well.

From here on it became almost like a situation normal for Vi and I, but with a complete role reversal. She had felt so poorly when dropping off her mother, she had gone into her mothers house just to lie down for a few minutes. Nellie has her own blood pressure maching as I do. Vi’s blood pressure 201/99 very high. To home she comes, upset stomach, head ache and very tired. I suggest hospital, Vi: NO. She thinks a nap will be enough to get her going again. Naps a couple of hours and wakes feeling worse. Now upset stomach, headache, jaw aching, left hand numb and can’t get a deep breath, hospital? NO!! Did phone health links a phone line that lets you speak directly to a nurse, who will offer suggestions. Suggestion call 911 immediately. Vi: “I suppose I should go to the hospital, but I will drive myself”. Bill: “not going to happen and to late already called 911”. From here everything seemed to switch to slow motion.

I know the ambulance was here within minutes but it felt like hours. At the hospital Vi is taken into emergency and I am told to sit in the waiting room until after the doctor has seen her will likely be 15-20 minutes. OK, I know the routine, I have done this dozens of times but always as the patient. I wait, for what felt like an hour long, 20 minutes and want in. The waiting room is separated from the emergency room by a large secuity door which can only be opened from the inside. Normally, you just speak to the admitting nurse through a window and she lets you in. She is busy with an incoming patient and there are 3 more in line waiting to see her. I am worried and becoming impatient. The security door has been opening on and off as patients and staff come and go. OK, I will just wait until it opens next time and in I am going. My “unauthorized entrance” plan worked well for about my first 15 steps into the room. I was greeted by a nurse who I am sure is very nice but can also be quite stern. The doctor hadn’t finished with Vi as yet and I would have to remain in the waiting room. No, she didn’t have any information and wouldn’t until the doctor was finished. That exact scenario repeated itself 3 times and by now I have been waiting 55 minutes and no one has told me a thing.

OK, enough is enough, next time that door opens I am going in and will not get kicked out until I at least get some information. The door open and jackpot the nurse wasn’t at the desk. In I went trying to look like I “belonged” or at least knew where I was going, but I didn’ know where I was going. I have actually been in that ER several times but then always flat on my back on a stretcher and really hadn’t realized how big the place is. Anyway I found her and was greatly relieved to see she was doing much better. We spent the next 2 hours just waiting for the results of different blood tests. All we knew was the doctors didn’t think she had a heart attack but that the problem may be heart related. The waiting the not knowing, man that is tough. For me, it is so much easier being the patient. As the family you have this terrible worry and great feeling of helplessness.

End result, Vi is home and feeling better. The doctors feel it may be stress related. I wonder wonder what or WHO could be causing her stress.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

December 20, 2006

Had some computer problems yesterday, well actually it was the server that went down. Other than 2 or 3 minutes in the early morning, I couldn’t get online until late afternoon and by then I was to tired to write anything.

I did something yesterday, that maybe, wasn’t such a good idea. My sleep patterns seem to be all messed up at least from what is the “norm”. I average likely between 11 and 12 hours a day but am still always feeling tired. At night I only get maybe 6 hours with the rest being naps through the day. Yesterday, I decided to try and skip all my naps and hopefully get a full nights sleep and not need the naps as much. Made it through the day although really tired. Plan didn’t work as I still woke up after about 6 hours. Doc. told me to nap as much as I need, well maybe that is what I will have to stick to. So much for trying to more organize my day to the “norm”. But who decides what is the “norm”. Really tired and sucked out today.

Off for a nap.