Dying Man Daily Journal – Back to My Life.

Well another Christmas has come and gone. I am left with the warm memories of time with friends and family.

Haven’t felt so good the past couple of days, nothing serious just extra tired and have literally slept more hours than I have been awake. I didn’t do anything that I would have thought would tire me out more so than normal. I suppose just the excitement of the season and the family and friends.

I am not sure exactly which day it was, and may have been on Christmas Day, I am not sure. But, a thought came to me. I wish I could capture this moment, freeze it, and then some how project it forward through out the entire year. I mean permanently instill into everyones heart the exact feelings they were enjoying at that moment. Permanently instill all the special feeling of the Christmas Spirit, the love, the joy, the special feeling of love toward all man kind, the spirit of giving. I relished that moment and was sadden a little when I thought, in a day or two this will all be gone and we will all be plunked right back into our normal daily lives. We will carry a few warm memories in our hearts, but generally will carry on with our lives almost as if Christmas had never happened.

If anything, our mood and spirits can actually turn in the opposite direction as we are suddenly faced with the credit card bills accumulated over Christmas. Our spirits can almost go from one extreme to the other.

So here I sit, Christmas is over and I am back to facing my life. Facing the fact I am dying. Talk about an emotional change. One day celebrating a wonderous day, full of love and joy to the next day and back to facing, I am dying.

More than ever I am realizing my thoughts control my emotions. This together with the fact the Good Lord granted me free will, I can to a large extent chose how I am going to feel. I can chose to enter and live in my own private “kingdom of woe” be miserable and generally make the lives of all around me miserable.

Or, I can make the choose to be happy and enjoy my days. The quality of my life improves as does the quality of all those around me. “Just because I have a pain doesn’t mean I have to be one”

Ultimatley, the end result will be the same. The only difference will be how I chose to spend the time. When I think of it how can I be anything but so happy and grateful, I am such a lucky man.

I think I am hard done by when I miss “A” meal because of my upset stomach, millions are starving and miss most meals, really how can I complain.

Millions are all alone facing the same situation as I am, but they are alone or in fear. I have my family, friends and have no fear. How can I complain.

I could continue this list forever, I am a lucky man. I know this and want to hold that thought in my mind and in my heart everyday.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – After Christmas

Well Christmas is over and done with for another year. All that is left is paying the credit card bill. Christmas was wonderful, had lots of family around both from my side and from Vi’s side.

Christmas eve was over at my brother Eric’s home, great food and even better company. Christmas day started off pretty quiet and slow for me. Vi was busy cooking, she is a wonderful cook. I always tell her, it doesn’t seem to matter what it is, if it comes out of Vi’s kitchen it will taste good. I was designated the task of peeling potatoes, turnips, shelling the eggs etc.. I am sure my professional potato peeling must have enhanced the flavor. haha.

About 3:00pm we went over to Vi’s mother’s home. House was just bursting with family. What a meal, there were so many different dishes to chose from you just couldn’t fit them all one one plate. Vi’s brother John flew in from Thompson, Ralph drove from Edmonton (15 hour drive). Christmas Day in the evening my daughter Shauna and husband Jake arrived as did stepson Rob and Vi’s other sister Joan.Debbie and Neil (yet another of Vi’s sisters) arrived with daughter Sarah. Turned into a big sleep over at our house. Vi had a great time with her sisters. They sat up until about 5:30am talking and reminiscing. I am sure a few glasses of wine were shared. Ok, I know quite a few glasses were shared.

Yesterday, Shauna, Jake and Rob were still here when my brother Eric, wife Lynda, my niece Sara and her boyfriend Neal came by. Another very nice day and evening. All, in all, I couldn’t really have had a better Christmas, well unless Billie, Bor and Sage had been able to come. But you can’t have everything.

I have taken some friendly teasing from various family members, “why didn’t you mention my name in you blog? I want to be famous too” Well, I am not sure about the famous part but I think I got in all the names, sorry if I missed anyone. I didn’t even try all the nieces, nephews and grandchildren, I could be typing for a week.

Why is it that it now seems like Christmas almost sets you up for a big fall. Through the Christmas season prayers seem more meaningful or heartfelt of something. I know that is wrong, all prayers though the entire year are meaningful, but some how at Christmas they seem more special or something.

In the physical sense, there is all the excitement, the build up, the anticipation and then bang, it is all gone in one day. Suddenly you are back to facing the realities or life or the real world. For me that feeling is like business as normal, happens every year. But, not this year.

This year I am determined to carry that special Christmas “glow” through out the year. When I think of it, why is Christmas so special? Answer to that is obvious, to celebrate a miraculous birth over 2,000 years ago and I totally agree if there is ever a reason to celebrate, that is it. The coming of Jesus to this earth, I can’t even find word to describe wonders of this event.

I am struggling with the wording here, to really express my thoughts and feelings the way I mean them. I can not describe strongly enough how important it is to me or how grateful I am to have Jesus in my life. His presence is so important to me on a day to day basis. I almost feel hypocritical or something. In my mind it seems almost like I am saying, Dear Jesus, I love you and you are so important and special in my life every day, but even more special on 2 days of the year, Christmas and Easter. That is so wrong, this year I am going to try to keep the special “Christmas” spirit alive in my heart all year long. The birth, a reason to celebrate, oh, yes but so is his existance in my heart on a daily basis. That will be my reason to continue celebrating almost as if it were Christmas every day of the year.

Going beyond the religious or spiritual aspects of Christmas to the physical. This is a season of good will towards all, loving gatherings of family etc.. All very wonderful and so special but why do we limit that to Christmas. I love my family just as much every other day of the year. I can show the same good will and cheer towards all, every day of the year.  This year I am going to.

I suppose that is my New Years resolution. Keep the Christmas Spirit alive in my heart all year long.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal _ Christmas Day

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

It is Christmas day and what a wonderful day it is. I am feeling good and my world is good. I am a lucky man and I know it and appreciate it. If everyone could feel even 1/2 as good as I do today the world would be such a wonderful place. But, this world is a wonderful place full of so many nice people. In my travels I have met so many people and I have been blessed by meeting every single person I met. Whether, that meeting was in person, over the phone, or in this blog. Every single person affected my life in some way. No matter how fleeting or seemingly inconsequential the meeting may have even seemed, it played a role in my life. Helping to mold or form me into the person I am today. I thank you and ask may God bless you all.

It reminds me of a quote Vi came upon years ago and cherishes to this day.

“Your life is like a tapestry being woven by God and history on an enchanted loom. Every bobble of the shuttle has meaning, every thread is important. As the thread in that tapesty, every event in your life has some meaning and purpose for the larger pattern, even if you can not see this at the moment.”

I think of this and it gives me a feeling of love for every single living thing on this planet. So many contributed a thread to the tapestry of my life, but in turn thousands of others contributed to the tapestry of their lives and on and on it goes. Considering it that way, my life has been affected by every single person on this planet. I love and pray for blessings on you all.

All these individual tapestries being carefully and loving wooven by our loving Father in Heaven, to whom all the real credit and thanks is due. Thank you Father.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – MERRY CHRISTMAS

There really are no words that can describe the depth of the wishes I have for all in this wonderful season.

I wish all a MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS. May this season bring peace and joy the likes of which could only be surpassed by Heaven itself. I shout to the rafters HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS.

As I sit here thinking I realize there, this year as in all years, past and future, be in general terms, 3 different types of Christmas celebrations.

There are those that will celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. What greater reason could there ever be to celebrate. A season of peace and love, abounding happiness.

There will be those that celebrate more the love of family, with family gathering from all over. A season of peace and love, abounding with happiness.

The third group. I pray and ask that all pray for these people. People for whom this year and maybe other years, Christmas is not a time of celebration but of deep sorrow. Deep sorrow and grief, possibly, this is the first Christmas alone after the passing of a loved one. There could be a million reasons why these people are unable to enjoy the true happiness and joy of the season. Possibly already suffering from a loss, they are loosing again. Loosing the happiness and joy of this season.

I am so so lucky through this Christmas season and I thank God for that. I pray for all, but maybe a little more so for those that have not been blessed with my good fortune.

We have a lot of family arriving in the next day and while I do plan on writing every day, please no worries for anyone if I do miss a day. I am celebrating.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, BLESSINGS TO ALL

Bill and Vi

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Thoughts/Comments

It is Saturday, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, wow, has it ever seemed to sneak up on me. this whole past year had just rocketed past. Vi’s blood pressure seems to be a little more normal and she says she is feeling better, but is still very pale. I hope she is feeling better and not just saying that to reassure me wanting to make me feel better. Is it strange though, I do feel better, hearing her say the words even if I have some doubts in my mind. Is it also strange that how she is feeling seems to directly effect how I feel?

Yesterday, I was really wrapped up in my own little world and didn’t write anything. I always try to respond to each comment left and haven’t even done that in the past few days, my apologizes to all. But, even though I didn’t write, I still checked in occasionally, looking for comments. For those I received I was so grateful. I have come to realize, it doesn’t even so much matter what is said in the comment, it is more that someone was thinking of me and took the time to leave a comment. These are all random acts of kindness to a stranger, thank you. The thought someone cares enough to take the time to send a message out weighs any words that could be written in any message. Hello, my name is Bill and I am a comment-aholic, I am addicted to comments.

This seems so fitting as we are in the Christmas season. A season to feel love toward all, that I truely realize the importance, the value of having warmth and love for all. For family of course but so much more, our friends and neighbors. Our world has change to the point everyone in the world has now become our neighbor. Shouldn’t we treat everyone as our neighbors as that really is what they are. Why should I care or be effected by what some one on the other side of the world thinks or says? But, I am. Most comments I don’t know where they originate from, some I have learned. There is one wonderful young lady, Diana, she is in India. Now how could the thinking of one young lady in India effect me? She does, by occasionally leaving thoughtful comments. Thank you Diana. It isn’t the words she says as much as just knowing someone out there cares and has my best wishes at heart, that is uplifting.

I more than ever realize the value of the thought, often there are no words that can be said, that are of any real meaning in themselves, it is the attempt, the thought that counts.

Now, realizing how valued and treasured a few simple words can be even from a stranger. I regret all the times in the past I missed to share a few words. I was either thoughtless, in to much of a rush or even felt anything I could say wouldn’t make a difference. I now realize, those unspoken words could have make a difference, granted it may have been only a small difference, but who is to know.

If every comment has such an effect on me, surely it would do the same to all others. Lets not wait until a person is dying before we find something nice to say. Not just because it is Christmas, but lets spread love and kindness though our comments to all. The words aren’t as important as the thought and spirit in which they are intended.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Hospital

I have pretty much a standard joke everytime I am hospitalized. I suppose it is really just more a comment intended to be funny. When anyone asks how I am, I reply, I am fine I just had to check out the pretty nurses. Well last night I checked out the pretty nurses again. But this time under much more difficult circumstances.

I have always said I think it is much harder on the family than it is on a patient when in the hospital. Well, I got first hand experience at that last night. Vi was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I have been taken to the hospital dozens of times. Even on the occasions when I was having a heart attack, not for one second did I find it as troubling or worrysome as it was last night. Vi is now back at home and doing much better, but oh, what an experience. It brought back memories of the feelings of worry and helplessness I felt when my daughters were hopsitalized. I so wished it could have been me laying on the hospital bed instead of them.

Vi is a little bundle of energy always full speed ahead, nothing can stop her and very few things can even slow her down. She hasn’t been feeling well for the past couple of days, but in her typical style that didn’t slow her down. Yesterday she took her mother shopping a regular event. She came home early, saying she had to quit part way through their list of errands, she just wasn’t feeling well. For Vi to do that you KNOW she is REALLY not feeling well.

From here on it became almost like a situation normal for Vi and I, but with a complete role reversal. She had felt so poorly when dropping off her mother, she had gone into her mothers house just to lie down for a few minutes. Nellie has her own blood pressure maching as I do. Vi’s blood pressure 201/99 very high. To home she comes, upset stomach, head ache and very tired. I suggest hospital, Vi: NO. She thinks a nap will be enough to get her going again. Naps a couple of hours and wakes feeling worse. Now upset stomach, headache, jaw aching, left hand numb and can’t get a deep breath, hospital? NO!! Did phone health links a phone line that lets you speak directly to a nurse, who will offer suggestions. Suggestion call 911 immediately. Vi: “I suppose I should go to the hospital, but I will drive myself”. Bill: “not going to happen and to late already called 911”. From here everything seemed to switch to slow motion.

I know the ambulance was here within minutes but it felt like hours. At the hospital Vi is taken into emergency and I am told to sit in the waiting room until after the doctor has seen her will likely be 15-20 minutes. OK, I know the routine, I have done this dozens of times but always as the patient. I wait, for what felt like an hour long, 20 minutes and want in. The waiting room is separated from the emergency room by a large secuity door which can only be opened from the inside. Normally, you just speak to the admitting nurse through a window and she lets you in. She is busy with an incoming patient and there are 3 more in line waiting to see her. I am worried and becoming impatient. The security door has been opening on and off as patients and staff come and go. OK, I will just wait until it opens next time and in I am going. My “unauthorized entrance” plan worked well for about my first 15 steps into the room. I was greeted by a nurse who I am sure is very nice but can also be quite stern. The doctor hadn’t finished with Vi as yet and I would have to remain in the waiting room. No, she didn’t have any information and wouldn’t until the doctor was finished. That exact scenario repeated itself 3 times and by now I have been waiting 55 minutes and no one has told me a thing.

OK, enough is enough, next time that door opens I am going in and will not get kicked out until I at least get some information. The door open and jackpot the nurse wasn’t at the desk. In I went trying to look like I “belonged” or at least knew where I was going, but I didn’ know where I was going. I have actually been in that ER several times but then always flat on my back on a stretcher and really hadn’t realized how big the place is. Anyway I found her and was greatly relieved to see she was doing much better. We spent the next 2 hours just waiting for the results of different blood tests. All we knew was the doctors didn’t think she had a heart attack but that the problem may be heart related. The waiting the not knowing, man that is tough. For me, it is so much easier being the patient. As the family you have this terrible worry and great feeling of helplessness.

End result, Vi is home and feeling better. The doctors feel it may be stress related. I wonder wonder what or WHO could be causing her stress.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

Had some computer problems yesterday, well actually it was the server that went down. Other than 2 or 3 minutes in the early morning, I couldn’t get online until late afternoon and by then I was to tired to write anything.

I did something yesterday, that maybe, wasn’t such a good idea. My sleep patterns seem to be all messed up at least from what is the “norm”. I average likely between 11 and 12 hours a day but am still always feeling tired. At night I only get maybe 6 hours with the rest being naps through the day. Yesterday, I decided to try and skip all my naps and hopefully get a full nights sleep and not need the naps as much. Made it through the day although really tired. Plan didn’t work as I still woke up after about 6 hours. Doc. told me to nap as much as I need, well maybe that is what I will have to stick to. So much for trying to more organize my day to the “norm”. But who decides what is the “norm”. Really tired and sucked out today.

Off for a nap.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Death of Parent

Glad, I am seeing the doctor today. Both of my ankles have been aching on and off for the past couple of months. When walking they often give me a weird feeling, almost like they are going to give out or something. Yesterday, my right knee started aching and giving me that same sensation of almost giving out. By giving out I mean a feeling like it is almost not going to hold me up. Took Tylenol before bed but it still woke me up 4 or 5 times through the night.

Sadly, last night I received an email from one of my new blog friends Dan. Dan’s father passed over on Friday morning, prayers for Dan and his family would be appreciated. I could feel Dan’s very real pain through his email. It took me back to the passing of my own dear mother. That was more than 15 years ago but I can still remember the feelings so clearly.

My mother was a wonderful lady, I love and miss her very much. She taught me so much, she had such internal strength nothing could keep her down. My mother had a very tough life and she taught much by the example she set. She stood tall and faced everything that came her way and NEVER lost her cool. She was a Lady and nothing ever would or could change that. Heart attacks, open heart surgery, painful arthritis through her spine and nothing phased her. We all knew of her bad heart. In my mind I knew it was just a matter of time until she was called home and would pass. But, my heart saw things differently. My heart saw this strong woman that I loved and respected, a pillar of internal strength. She had come through so much, it was almost like nothing could put her down. When I received the phone call that my mind knew would one day be coming, my heart was still stunned. My life as I knew it was changed forever. Suddenly such an important piece of my life was gone. We lived in different towns but visited often but to late I realize I had not visited nearly as often as I could have or even should have. Some how I had begun to take it for granted that the indestructable “Munga” would always be there. Well if not always at least for a long time. I took it for granted or assumed there would always be time for visiting, when I wasn’t quite so tired or quite so busy. There was always some handy excuse for me. Now I am left with the “if onlys”.

My mothers passing was made so much easier for me by my faith. There was never the slightest doubt or question in my mind that she had gone on to a much better place. A place where she would be justly rewarded for her life of selfless giving to her boys and so many others.

Her last few years hadn’t been particularly good as she suffered a lot of pain with the arthritis in her spine. When I visited I could see the obvious pain she was in. But, Munga was Munga and she insisted on always getting up and making coffee and putting out a few dainties. Refusing all help she still had to take care of her boys. Wow, Howdle men don’t cry, and here I am getting a little misty eyed.

When she did pass over, I could rationalize out that it was the best thing that could have happened for her. Her pain was gone and she was now in such a much more wonderful place. I even felt I should be happy for her. I mean I knew she was now in Heaven and pain free. I mean doesn’t it make sense, if you know a loved one is in such a wonderful place experiencing wonders beyond my imagination, shouldn’t I be happy for her. I was somewhat comforted by that thought.

A big piece of my human mind and human heart was filled with pain and sorrow. Even though I hadn’t visited as often as I could have it had always been such a comfort to just know she was there. I know it was selfishness on my part but I did not want her to leave. She was gone and my world was turned upside down. It is now 15 years later, my world is good, my life is good but inside I still know it would be a little better if she was in a physical sense still a part of it. I know her spirit is still with me and that she is watching down from heaven and I know she will be waiting to greet me when my turn comes.

Bless you Munga, I love you and miss you.

I am just sitting here thinking. I have always known God is watching over me every moment of every day. Now both of my parents from their places in Heaven can watch me every day and see everything I do. WOW

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Feeling Alone

Well I am up and at it again. Stomach really not happy this morning. I see the doctor tomorrow couple of things to ask him. There must be something he can give me, to calm the stomach. Currently using gravol, but don’t really like doing that, it works well but makes me sleepy. The heart failure makes me so tired all the time already, I don’t need anything else doing that. Plus, I have missed my last couple of blood tests. Each time, my blood is actually tested for a lot of different things. I am sure he explained why, and I just can’t remember at the moment, but blood is taken twice. I go they take some blood and send me out to eat a big meal. I am to return exactly 2 hours later for another blood sample. It is that big meal part that does me in. Even just the smell of food can have me throwing up. Will get something worked out tomorrow.

I received a very touching comment posted by a young lady, Lisa. Lisa is dying of cancer her emotions and feelings are very obvious in her writing. I encourage all to read her post and possibly even leave Lisa words of support.

Lisa speaks of this dying business as being Huge, lonely, personal and scary. It is all of those things and so much more. There are no words or at least no words that I have that can really describe it. I know I have been blessed as my burden has been lightened by my strong faith and belief system. I have been further blessed with my strong support system being my family and friends.

I do not know if Lisa has such a strong support group in place, I can only hope and pray she does. I hope no one thinks I am singling out or picking on Lisa or if I am it is only to wish her peace, well being and comfort. It is just that through her writing we get to see an inside view of what it can feel like. Dying is very personal and each will undoubtedly face it in a different way. Each person faces there own challenges, their own fears in their own way. I have tried to write of my own feelings but they are my feelings, death is personal and individual. At any moment in time there are millions of people facing it, dealing with it. All are scared at times, some more than others. There is a saying you can feel lonely even in a crowded room. That sort of applies here.

I know my Christian friends will say turn to Jesus and all will be better. I believe that and have done that and a lot of my burden has been lifted. But I, as all have the weakness of having a human mind and at times, the what if’s, can still sneak in there. It is always easy to give advise, even if we know it to be good advise. How often have we all found our selves in a difficult situation and all the good or well intended advice, just doesn’t seem to matter at that moment. I can not imagine there is a single person out there, who, no matter how strong their faith has not had times of worry, fear or what ever. That is to be human.

Lisa, there is another saying. Misery likes company. Well I can’t honestly say I am in misery, but I can relate to many of your feelings. I wish you well and hope you will continue to visit my blog and to share you thoughts and feeling.

My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you

Dying Man’s Daily Journal Extended Family

I woke up with my choking sensation, man is that annoying. Getting a cold that seems to be settling in my chest. My nose has a mind of its own and can’t seem to decide what it wants to do, running one minute stuffed up the next. Typical chest cold, hurts to breathe and all that.

Yesterday, I had some sort of computer problem, not sure if it was my computer or maybe the blog system. Everything seemed to freeze up when ever I tried to save a post or to publish it. Sorry Robin, my brother phoned me last night worried because I hadn’t posted anything yesterday. Robin, I am happy you are reading please feel free to comment anytime.

Ever wake up in the middle of the night when a thought hits you or you remember something important. That happened to me yesterday, ok it was the middle of the afternoon during my nap. I had forgotten to mention 2 special birthday greetings I received from my brother and sister in South Africa. A phone call from my sister Anita and an email from brother Bryan. Although, I am pretty sure Bryan may not even know about the birthday greetings, I have a feeling it was more Vicki, my sister-in-law, thank you. Anita, the phone call meant a lot to me, just as you do, thank you.

Got some news yesterday, I suppose disappointing is the best way to describe it. My step son Dave was scheduled for nose surgery yesterday, has to do with the air passages. Dave and family live in Victoria, B.C.. I guess he was all prepped for surgery and a huge storm hit and surgery was cancelled at the very last minute. It is tough when you have yourself all mentally prepared for surgery and it is cancelled, apparently will be rescheduled for a month or two in the future. I read about the storm in the paper today. Did a lot of damage, power outages. North West part of U.S. also hit very bad.

Ahh, Dave what can I say about him. A great guy with a wonderful family. Wife Kelly and sons Dawson and Carter. Dave is the kind of guy it is always fun to be around, knows a million jokes and is alway making everyone laugh.

I have talked different times of how I am so lucky to have a close relationship with both of my daughters. Vi is blessed to have that same close realtionship with her 4 children. Rob, Dave, Michael and Lynelle all grown with families of their own and doing very well. I am just sitting here thinking, I may not have been giving them due credit for the important part they play in my life.