I’m in God’s hands

This heart procedure coming on Thursday is designed to improve quality of life and will not really affect quantity. I would call it a new issue but I have been dealing with it for over a year now. It is totally separate/different from the heart failure. With this procedure they are attempting to redirect or streamline the electrical “wiring” in the heart.
The “wiring” is shorting and misfiring causing the AFib which gives me the wildly irregular and rapid heart rate. I was constantly tired before and since this came along I am just exhausted. I have to push myself to do really anything. Vast majority of my day is spent in bed or just laying on the bed watching TV. There is a silver lining in everything, I suppose. My appetite is way down. Have lost more than 30 pounds.
Looking forward to Thursday. There are risks, I don’t want to go into but it will be worth it. Get rid of the constant chest pain and have more energy.

feeling better

I am back and feeling better both mentally and emotionally. In my last few posts I wrote about my struggles with depression. I admit when I first wrote of it I was feeling a little nervous or embarrassed about revealing it. There is such negative stigma attached to this, which I feel is ridiculous But still understand it.

it was my hope that by sharing my experience it may encourage others to face their own situations and seek help if needed. Life is to be lived, not endured and I am willing to do everything I can to help me do this. Hey, I already take 29 pills a day, so what is one more. Especially if it can truly help me live and enjoy life.

The big day is finally almost here. Thursday I go for the heart procedure. I am a little nervous but more excited. Let’s just get this over and done with. I hate having something like this hanging over my head, let’s do it and get it done. I have prayed about it placing myself in God’s hands. What better place could I be. There is nothing I can do to affect the out come. It will be what it will be.

Stress often self induced

Recently I put up a post about sinking into depression and seeking medical help for it. I have always believed and stressed life should be lived to the fullest. If you are in that depressed state of mind it is impossible to live that life.
Depression, that state of mind sneaks up on you or at least it did on me. Once I realized where I was I sought help, what ever it takes to really live life is what I am going to do. Enduring life is not an option for me nor should it be for anyone.
There is a stigma attached to mental illness. There should not be. The brain is but another body organ no less susceptible to illness than any other organ.
I know that, yet still felt maybe a slight bit of embarrassment in admitting or openly stating I was suffering from it. I think that comes more from the fact that to a degree I “pride” myself in being “Mr. Positive Thinker”. Over the years I have faced some serious medical challenges. Yes, some of them have put me down on my butt. But given a little time I have seemingly been able to get my head back together find some sort of positive spin, accept the situation and move on with living life be as it may. I got to the point I was feeling sorry for myself.
Now I live with the knowledge that, I am defying all the odds/statistics and that I may well not see tomorrow. That can be hard to live with. I treasure my life. I have a good life but I know I am going to loose it much sooner than later. I allow myself some grieving time each day. Then I give my head a shake saying OK, enough of that. I love my life and am going to spend the rest of the day living and enjoying it the best I can. I had become pretty good at doing that some days it is more difficult to give my head that shake depending on how I am feeling physically that day.
My ever decreasing physical limitations I struggle with. Vi has always been here to pick up the slack for me. She never complains just does what needs to be done. She is more understanding and accepting of my limitations than I am.
Vi over the past 1 1/2 years has had her own severe medical issues. She reached the point where she could only walk 10 or 15 steps before severe pain in her legs forced her to sit down. Ok, now it is my turn to step up and take over doing what she couldn’t. I was physically unable to, that hit me hard. My moral plummeted the more I watched her struggle carrying on in spite of her pain. Oh, she vetoed the idea of a house keeper. If I tried to do something she would be just telling me to sit down saying “the pain in my leg is not the same as your chest/heart pain plus the doctors have told me to walk as much as I can”. Now I tried to rationalize that. I would be sitting there knowing my heart rate at rest was in the 130’s, my heart could be beating so hard it felt like it could fly right out of my chest. I know any activity will send the heart rate higher. I can rationalize all that in my head. Yet I could not rid myself of the feelings of inadequacy or the guilt of just sitting her struggle. The more I beat myself up the lower the spirits sank
Others that were not as aware of my condition as is Vi, were maybe not quite so understanding. This really compounded my feelings of guilt. They just did not understand.
That is all in the past.

Computer down

Had computer issues, hopefully back tomorrow

Needed a mental health break

Apologies to all my dear blogging friends/family to whom I have caused worry during my recent absence. I so appreciate the supportive messages that continued to come in, thank you. Lydia, I appreciate you providing the update as you did. I am just sorry our exchange of messages was by answering machine and not in person. I do appreciate you taking the time to call and report back here.
Point came when I realized I needed a mental health break. Depression is not something that hits over night. You don’t just wake up one morning feeling down. No, it slowly sneaks up on you and is on you before you realize it. Anyway that is what happened to me.
I have always advocated living life, each day, to the fullest. It wasn’t until January that I realized, I wasn’t living life, I was enduring life. Not at all the way I want to spend my days. Doing some soul searching I realized that even a comment from someone that I felt was inappropriate, the sort that in the past I would have just blown off had me fretting, fuming and stressing.
Using the good old Internet I found I had all the signs is depression. First reaction was, me, Mr. Positive attitude, can’t be. I mulled it over for a few days and realized to live life as I wanted, I needed to do something. I hate having things hanging over my head. Rather just deal with it. Off to the doctor. I didn’t tell him of my self diagnosis but after talking that was also his diagnosis. He prescribed an antidepressant I have begun to return to my normal. Life is good and I am a lucky man..
I would encourage anyone that is enduring life, stressing over everything and live almost seems pointless. Talk to a doctor. There are medications that can help, I know.
Depression is a form of mental illness to which there is a negative stigma attached. There shouldn’t be. The brain is but an organ in the body as is the heart, kidneys…… And can be prone to illness in the same way. I have heard in the past depression is but a sign of weakness. A real man has the strength to soldier his way through it. To that I just say baloney. When help is available take it. Life is so much better.
With my perfect 20/20 hindsight I can now look back and see many of the causes of the stress that lead me down that path. Mostly self inflicted stress and feelings of inadequacy in not being able to do more to help Vi as she physically struggled this past year. Oh, be clear not once has she ever said anything. That is what I mean by self inflicted stress.
Good thing have my head together. Next 3 weeks could be stressful as I head for the heart procedure on April 2nd.
I have prayed about it, placing myself in God’s hands. What better place could I be