Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Healing Power of words

July 31, 2008

Feeling really tired right now, but have no one but myself to blame for that. Was up unusually late watching TV. Ever watched a movie and it really isn’t all that good, but you keep watching waiting for something to happen but it never does. I am then kicking myself for sitting up so late to watch something so silly. Makes you almost feel like a bit of an idiot or something. Well I seem to be able to out do most in the idiot department. Right after the movie ended, I was surprised to see they had made a sequel. Yup, did the same thing and watched it all the way through. Thank goodness I have the luxury of nap time, I most certainly will be taking advantage of that today.

This morning I received an email from my good blogging friend Jennie directed me to a different site where she created a word picture using many of the supportive words I use so often in my posts. That is such a beautiful thing and I do thank you so much.

In her email one paragraph in particular really hit me:

“I always knew that words have great power to heal or to hurt. I may not have fully appreciated it until my exposure to verbal abuse. I’ll have to blog about this word power idea soon. Perhaps one positive result of my experience will be that I become more mindful of the impact of my words on others, and on myself for that matter.”

How many times have I heard or read that verbal (emotional) abuse can have a must longer and deeper impact on a person than even physical abuse. Physical scars and bruising heal much more quickly than emotional ones.

Emotional bruises and scarring take much longer to heal and can stay with a person for their entire life time. Not always but often this time of long term hurt is caused by words. Depending on where and who these words come from they can cut down inside to our very soul.

I would imagine most of us at one time or another have at least heard of this, the terrible power that can be contained within a few words. We know of how words can be just devastating, we realize that. We know that “mere” words can have such a devastatingly negative impact. I ask then wouldn’t it just stand to reason, if we look at the flip side of the coin, that “mere” words could have a wonderfully healthy healing power to them. If words can tear us down then obviously words can build us up in a healthy positive way.

I think if we really look at it, we will or at least I have realized how much quicker words of criticism can spring to mind as apposed to words of praise. I know this and actually do make a conscious effort to avoid using critical words and instead look for opportunities to lavish praise when warranted. Key words in that line were make an effort, sometimes in spite of my best efforts, oh well I will keep working at it.

With in each of us we hold a great healing power, with the power of our words. This can be applied to each and every relationship in our lives each and every day. By relationship naturally in mean spouse, kids, family and friends. But I am also referring to all relationships and interactions with people in our lives generally. Let’s take a waiter in a restaurant or a cashier in a supermarket. At certain times these people will very briefly enter our lives. But even if it is just for a few minutes, we enter into a very short term, very casual relationship with them. For those few minutes they do play an important part in our lives.

Let me give but 2 examples. Let’s stay with the waiter in the restaurant. We have all had occasions where we have had just exceptionally great service. He/she has gone out of their way to serve us, above and beyond what we would normally get. Generally, we do acknowledge that by leaving a little larger tip. Now I am sure that is appreciated but it is totally non personal. How much extra effort would it take us to just say a few words to the individual. Thank them for the wonderful service they gave you, voice your appreciation. How can we know what is going on in the life of another. Possibly that waiter/waitress is going through a really tough time in life and had to dig down deep within themselves to be able to give you the high quality service. Just a few words of recognition and appreciation may well be just what they need to hear to help get them through the day. There is really no way we can ever know. Really, what did it cost us to spend that extra 15 or 20 seconds to verbalize our appreciation of the service.

One more example from within our own families. I think or at least I hope we all know how wrong it would be to tell our children they are stupid or bad or any such thing. The long term affects of such comments can be devastating. We can be oh, so quick to recognize and verbalize our dissatisfaction on how our children are misbehaving. Are we as quick to jump in with a positive loving comment when they do behave. Now hear I am not talking about things like when your child comes home with an A on a report card. Or course we are proud and congratulate them on a job well done. But, I am talking here more of the regular day to day activities, in just our daily routine. I don’t know but I would guess that if the average parent had some way of actually keeping track of every comment made to their child in any given day would likely see the comments containing some sort of negative connotation far out number the positive. It seems to me anyway that particularly with our spouse, kids and other family. We take good for granted, that is what is expected and we never comment on it. Act in anyway other than what we consider to be good and the comments spew forth very quickly.

Why is it we seem to make a conscious effort at times to avoid making negative comments, biting our tongues or what ever? Why don’t we put at least that same amount of effort into looking for positive and healing messages.

Each and everyone of us has a great power within us. The power to help heal others through our words. We all have the words within, let’s get them out and start a whole lot of healing.

Jennie, I thank you for the email and for the wonderful message. You really have me thinking and I do thank you.

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Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Thoughts of Suicide

July 29, 2008

Feeling good, just tired. Have an appointment at the heart failure clinic next week. Just the regular follow up, I am sure everything will be just fine.

I recently learned that the teenage son of a dear friend attempted suicide. I know none of the circumstances or of his overall situation. I will be contacting this friend shortly to offer any support I can. I can’t imagine as a parent the worry, the pain, the fear they must be feeling. This just has to be one of a parents worst nightmares. I just can’t imagine what it must be like, my heart just bleeds for everyone involved. You are all in my prayers. To my dear friends know I will be contacting you shortly.

My heart really does bleed when I hear of situations such as this. There must be statistics out there some where on teen suicide, in fact I am sure there are I have just never looked for them. It just seem so sad when it is someone so young with their entire life to look forward to. Really though age is no determining factor, it is sad and tragic at any age.

It all just makes me so sad. It also makes me think more of how precious every moment of life on this earth really is. I read this somewhere, “no one said life would be easy but it is meant to be enjoyed”. What do you do when all of the joy has been taken out of your life? Years ago I was in that exact position. I know what it is like to feel the weight of the whole world on your shoulders where you feel nothing but sadness and pain. I found myself standing in what I saw as a deep dark valley totally surrounded by mountains. Mountains so high, their shadow blocked any sunlight from even reaching in to me. I have stood deep in that valley where everywhere you look you seem just mountains or pain, problems or stress surrounding you, no matter where you look you just see no way out. The mountains of problems just seem so high that no sunlight can get in, you just can’t see even a glimmer of light or hope for any change in the future. It is easy to just give up in despair. How often have I written that life is meant to be enjoyed not endured. What if you are trapped in that valley of woe, enduring a hard life. So very unhappy and can just see no way out. If you are trapped in that valley for long enough your outlook on life can become so bleak you just want out. If you become desperate enough suicide is obviously one way out. suicide is never the only way out and it is never the right way out.

I found my way out of my own valley of woe, by changing just a bit of my thinking. At the time I saw my life as being stagnant, not moving in any direction, I was trapped and not going anywhere. It took me a while to realize, life is not stagnant there are changes happening every day. Granted most of these changes are so small so tiny they don’t even register on our personal radar. I began to view life as a highway through this journey we call life. We are all traveling through life on this “highway” that will ultimately lead us to the same destination. What are there something like 6 billion people in the world today, so there are 6 billion individual highways of life all leading to the same destination. Many of these highways will crisscross as people come and go from our lives. Many highways will run exactly parallel to our own so closer than others, being family and friends.

Life is a journey on which we travel the highway of life. Really it is no different than on other highway. It has twists and turns, pot holes and construction areas. It does though also have long smooth sections. It is like we are traveling a long unfamiliar road with no road map to show us exactly where the twists and turns will be. As with traveling on any highway we must always be attentive to looking forward. Who knows when a sharp bend or turn in the road will take us in a different direction. Traveling on any highway we know there will be the occasional pot hole. Looking forward we can either swerve to avoid it or maybe get a little bumped up if we hit it. There can be huge unexpected construction zones where travel is terribly bumpy and at times can seem endless. Remember, our individual highway of life is unmapped, uncharted. We don’t know what the next bend in the road will bring. All we do know is life is full or twists and turns. That very next curve in the road up a head could lead to miles and miles of beautiful paved highway with not even a pothole in sight for miles.

As much as it may seem we are stuck in life, we aren’t stuck we are maybe just traveling at a slower speed. But we are traveling forward. I suppose realistically using my highway comparison there could be times when we do get stuck. If we are going through a really bad construction area we could get our vehicle stuck in the mud and really just sit there spinning our wheels and getting no where. If you do get stuck and are just spinning your wheels, there is always help available. Seek help and there is always someone ready to tow you out of the mud or to help push you through it. We just have seek it and it is there. If the vehicle you are traveling through life in does get so mired down in the mud you just can’t get it out. Maybe you have to abandon that vehicle and even walk for the next distance. No matter how you travel it the road is always there before you.

Suicide is never the answer. No matter how hard or dismal the road in front of you may look the driving conditions will change.

I just rambled through all of this, I am not sure if my highway comparison even makes any sense but it does to me. I say this to anyone that may be contemplating suicide that may read this. Please don’t do anything rash, just think about what I am saying. I say this to you, your life situation may be unbearable and unlivable but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Possibly it may seem you are mired down on the highway of life, stuck unable to move ahead. It may actually seem that a happy life is but an impossible dream. That dream is real and it is not impossible. It is possible irregardless of current circumstances or your situation. Grab on to that seemingly impossible dream of the happy life, don’t let go of it. It really is possible for you and could be just around the next bend in the road.

If you are contemplating any such actions, I beg you please to wait. Get your phone book, get the number for a suicide hotline. Call them and talk to them, hey what do you have to loose. Talk to them and really explain your thoughts and feelings. Can’t for what ever reason talk to them, then please talk to a family member, a friend, a clergy man, just talk to someone about your life and thoughts. Go to the emergency room at the hospital and talk to them there. There is help for you, the help you need to get you back on the highway of life again.

I would suggest this only as a very last resort, before you do anything contact even me. leave me a message here on the blog. It can be done anonymously and I will get back to you as quickly as I can via email. I suggest this only as a last resort for 2 reasons. I am not qualified in anything, I am just me and I do care about you. I am not a doctor or a therapist just me. Plus, depending on the day I may only get to the computer once or twice and while I would respond asap it may take time. Life really is to precious to give up on.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Worn Out

July 29, 2008

I have been feeling extra tired this past while. Often sleepy tired and I am certainly getting my sleep. It is more a drained or worn out feeling just no energy. No chest pain or anything like that, just worn out. It is time to retreat to the meditation chair and recharge the internal batteries.

Today I am just making a simple prayer request. I ask everyone to pray for everyone. I am sure there is not a single person on this planet that doesn’t have some sort of issues and that wouldn’t benefit from supportive prayers. Let’s just find a general prayer that is indeed for every person on this planet


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Jumping to negative conclusions

July 27, 2008

A day or tow ago I wrote of me being “on guard duty”. At 3:30 am I had seen what I saw as being a suspicious car coming down our street. It was driving very slowly with no head lights on. This car then pulled over and parked directly behind the car belonging to company we had staying at the time. Where I was sitting in the shadows I don’t think I could be seen from the street. I watched this suspicious car for what must have been 5 minutes and all was quiet, no on got out. That made me even more suspicious and I felt inside this had to be bad guys “casing” the neighborhood or checking out the car. I decided to reveal myself thinking if they were bad guys they would take off immediately on realize someone was watching them. That is exactly what happened. Which just in my mind confirmed my suspicions. Now I still do think that very likely this was the case and it was indeed someone in the car that was planning no good.

I do think that a lot of the problems in the world today come from people jumping to conclusions and acting based on what they see and therefor know to be true, with out necessarily knowing the entire story. There are always 2 sides to every story. Based on everything I saw with my very own eyes I “knew” this was someone up to no good and still do think that was likely the case. BUT, I don’t know both sides of the story, only what I saw.

I was thinking about it and realize that somewhere out there in Winnipeg is possibly a lady telling a story something like this. I was on my way home and it was really late. I was dialing my cell phone so I was driving slowly. When you answered my call, I pulled over to the side of the street so we could talk and I wouldn’t be distracted from my driving. After we had talked for a few minutes suddenly this big guy came out of the shadows not to far from the car. Scared me half to death, did I ever get out of there in a hurry.

Now if this is the case my most sincere apologise to who ever I may have scared. Now what really do I know to be true. Our area has a recent history of break ins, auto thefts and vandalism. Local neighborhood watch and the police advise we should be on guard for anything that looks suspicious. I know I saw a car driving very slowly down the street with no headlights on. I know that same car pulled over to the side of the street and just sat there for approx. 5 minutes with no one getting out. So I know area history and what I saw all of my suspicions were based solely on that. That was enough to put me into “Rambo” mode as my dear blogging friend Mel calls it. I stood guard protecting the homestead. I have to wonder how many others, even how many other countries go into “rambo mode” based on what they see and therefore “know” to be true. Fact of the matter is I couldn’t see into that car. I have no idea of who was in there or what they were doing. Based on what I know and what I saw I jumped to conclusions. Was I right, was I wrong, I don’t know. Right or wrong I know I would react in the same way again given those same circumstances. I suppose it is always better to be safe than sorry.

Now I am not unique or special in any sort of way, so I can only assume if I react based on what I see and therefore know to be true that others must also do the same. I can’t help but wonder how much damage is done in relationships, within countries or around the world by people acting on what they “know” to be true based on history and from what they see happening.

I am thinking of a couple of examples from my own life, my own history. Now if I see someone one staggering down the street, my mind seems to automatically jump to the conclusion that this is some drunk and to just avoid him/her. Now I have to wonder, back several years ago when my body was adjusting to some of my medications, I was known to stumble and stagger on occasion. (thankfully no longer an issue). Now I never noticed anything like this happening but I have to wonder if some didn’t see me, classify me as a drunk in their minds and avoid coming anywhere near me. Just have to wonder.

One other example just came to mind. I am an early riser usually up around 6:00am. In the summer I love to sit out on the front step and listen to all the birds. Such a beautiful sound hundreds of birds singing all at the same time. One morning I noticed a young lady approaching from further down the street. Now this particular young lady was wearing a mini skirt, I admit that does catch my eye. Young lady was walking on my side of the street. I was surprised when while she was still 3 or 4 houses away she left the sidewalk and continued walking but now in the middle of the street. Very little traffic on the street so not an issue. She carried on past the house and I noticed once 3 or 4 houses past she moved back on to the sidewalk. It dawned on me she was nervous about walking by the house. Hey, there must be someone lurking in the area that made her nervous. i jump up and am checking the back yards etc.. I don’t see anyone anywhere. Then it hit me, it was me that made her nervous. Initially, I was shocked and thought it to be ridiculous, I mean I would never hurt her, if anything I would be one she could run to in need of help. But, then as I thought of it. It was very early in the morning, no other people around. She didn’t know me or anything about me. Then it made sense as to why she would want to keep her distance.

Personal safety must always come first, it is better to be safe than sorry. Some how I can’t help but feel sad that the world has come to the point where jumping to negative conclusions seems to be a way of life. What do you think


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – End violence against women and children

July 26, 2008

There is no way I can know if many of the readers of the blog limit themselves to just reading my post or if they also read all the wonderful comments left by so many others. I would certainly encourage all to read the comments left as they so often contain wisdom far beyond any that I can come up with. Please read them. Often I get behind in responding to comments but I so much appreciate every one and will respond, just be patient with me.

In the recent past I have done several posts on abuse and of how I detest any that inflict abuse of any sort on women and children. I say flat out to all males if you abuse in anyway a woman or a child you are not a man, I am actually not sure what you are but not a man. A comment I read this morning has me all wired up on this topic again. It is a comment from Henri, he says:

“Hi Bill and your readers.

There are a group of grandmothers walking from Vancouver to Ottawa. They are calling attention to the more than 3000 missing and murdered women & children in Canada.

Many of them have lost a loved one. I am asking if your readers pray for these walkers.
They left Vancouver, June 21 and are currently near the Manitoba-Saskatchewan border. They will be passing through Winnipeg on the last day of the month.

One in Particular, you will meet. Her name is Gladys Radek. Her life is sadly, typical of most First Nations Women of her generation…Residential school, horrific abuse as a child, followed by years of self medication, culminating with the loss of her left leg above the knee. Her 21 year old niece is one of those missing. Gladys is clean and sober now. Strong and determined. I pray that she stays that way. And, that her and the other walkers are met along the way with people of like minds.

Violence against women and children does not recognize colour or socio-economic status. It affects us all…It must stop.”

Henri, I thank you for bringing this walk to my attention I was not aware of it.

I checked the distance out on map quest 2,721 miles. Grandmothers are walking almost 3,000 miles to bring attention to a tragic situation. I wonder how many young people would have the strength, will and determination to take on a walking trip like this. For myself I sadly admit that even back in my younger and healthy days I would never have been willing to take on such a challenge. I just can’t help but admire GRANDMOTHERS that are willing to do this. Ladies I tip my hat to you, I have nothing but admiration for you and what you are doing.

Henri is asking for prayers for these courageous walkers. My prayers are certainly going out and I ask please all to join with me in this. My prayers go out for the health, safety and well being of these couragous ladies but also that they are able to accomplish their goal in bringing attention to the plight of so many in our communities.

When I hear of what these grandmothers are doing i can’t help but feel a little embarrassed and even ashamed of myself as I think many of us should. It is so easy to talk about how something needs to be done about a situation. Let’s face it talk is cheap if that is all that is done. How many of us have the courage, the strength, the will to actually stand up and do something about it. It is so easy for me to sit here and spout off about how things must change, things must be made to be different. Yet sadly that is all we do, talk about it. These GRANDMOTHERS are taking it a step further and are doing something about it. What will they accomplish with their walk, I don’t know, a lot I hope. Largely, what ever they accomplish is up to each one of us. They are out there walking to bring attention to a tragic situation about which something must be done. They have and will continue to do their part, they have brought it to our attention. It is now up to each of us individually to do our part, not just talk the talk but start to walk the walk. What can we do as individuals? That I pose as a question to any that may read this.

I know on Monday morning I am going to be on the phone to all levels of Government. We are the people that elected them into office, they will listen if enough of us call. What else can we do? Suggestions please? I know what I am writing about is happening here in Canada, but I can only imagine the overall situation is not that different in other countries. Where ever you are please do your part.

To the grandmothers out there on the highway walking today and everyday, I so admire you. Henri says you will be in Winnipeg on July 31st. I will be out there somewhere to cheer you on.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Guard duty

July 26, 2008

Today started off with a bit of excitement and the kind I could do without. Nature called and I was up about 3:30am. I was wide awake and didn’t think I would just fall back to sleep so I went out on the front step to enjoy the coolness of the night air. The roof projects well out over the front step protecting it from the elements, which is perfect when I want to go out and watch a summer storm. This overhand causes a shadow over the step that I imagine would pretty much make me invisible from the street, being in the middle of the night as it was.

Our particular area of the city is about as safe as any area in the city, but we still do have an occasional auto theft, a few break ins etc.. Our neighborhood watch committee is constantly telling us to be vigilant for anything that looks suspicious to protect ourselves and the entire neighborhood. A great idea, I am all for doing my part.

OK, it is 3:30 in the morning and I see a car coming slowly down our street with no head lights on, enough to make you go hmm. Have company in for a few days, I will write about them later, that is an interesting story in itself. Their car is parked on the street in front of the house. Any way this car with no heal lights on pulls over and stops directly behind the car owned by our company. Now I am really watching to see what is going to happen and absolutely nothing did. No one got out of the car, nothing happened, it just sat there. I had all sorts of thoughts running through my head and seemingly all of them relating to bad guys “casing” the neighborhood or the car owned by our company. It had to be close to 5 minutes I just stood there and the car and its occupant(s) just sat there. I likely wouldn’t have given this whole thing much thought except for the no headlights as it was coming down the street.

As I am thinking about it that is when I really realize that standing as I am in the shadows, occupants of the car may not be able to see me. I think if I make my presence known, if indeed they are up to no good they will likely take off immediately. So that is what I did and that is exactly what they did. Almost as soon as I stepped out of the shadow the car started, this time with head lights and they sped away very quickly.

As per community watch instructions I immediately phoned the police telling them of what happened. Police also felt it was suspicious and said they would increase patrols in the area for the rest of the night. They also suggested we move the car to a safer location. Except, we really had no where else to put it. I decided it was better to be safe than sorry so I decided we needed an security guard to keep an eye on the car and the neighborhood at least until sunrise. Since I was the only one awake the job seemed to fall to me. I prepared myself for the guard duty. I armed myself with my trusty baseball bat, telephone with police on redial and the most important of all a pot of coffee. It was a beautiful night, I really enjoyed it, weather was perfect. Never saw the white car again but did see the police drive by a couple of times It was a bit of an adventure.

Another issue, I am so very happy to report our dear neighbor Elsie is happy. The roofers came, the new shingles were installed in a very professional manner and look very good. Elsie requested I be the construction foreman, keeping an eye on to make sure they do it right. I explained my lack of knowledge in the roofing business but did end up “keeping an eye on them”. It was apparent right from the start it wasn’t necessary to “keep an eye on them”, they were professionals and knew what they were doing and did a great job. Just the garage to deal with and we can put this to rest.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Living

July 22, 2008

I think maybe summer has finally arrived here in Winnipeg. It seems to me anyway that the past month or so has been a little cooler than normal and with a lot of rain. That is fine by me, I can’t take a lot of heat especially if you throw in humidity and I have more trouble breathing. When I say trouble breathing, it really isn’t anything all that serious. I just get winded more easily and spend more time huffing and puffing. It certainly has warmed up in the past few days and the forecast is calling for higher than normal temperatures for the next month or so. Thank goodness for air conditioning. Had a few chest pains in the evening but nothing serious. It has gotten to the point where generally I just ignore it and it passes. I have realized also that these pains are so common that I don’t think they even really register as being much of anything in my mind. Just sort of, huh, there it is again and pay no attention unless it is more severe. To my daughters, yes if it is more severe I will go to the hospital.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and realize that often I don’t follow my own advise. When I post my thoughts it is truly from my heart, what I do believe. I write so often of the importance of maintaining a positive attitude and of how that will carry you a long way in improving your life. I believe that, I know it to be true. it is amazing how easy it is for an element of negativity to sneak unnoticed into your life and in fact become a dominant factor. I suppose that is why it is important for each of us to regularly sit down and really take a look at our lives. Look to see what factors or influences have snuck in on us without us even realizing it. It can start off as something so small it doesn’t even register to us that it is there. Then again slowly escalating without us even realizing it until suddenly it is there and often still unrecognized but having a significant impact on our lives. Negativity has no place in the lives of anyone, rid yourself of it.

Rid yourself of it, so easy to say, but can so often be so hard to do. I have been sitting here for the past few minutes trying to think of a circumstance in which it is not possible to rid yourself of negativity or negative thoughts. Try as I might, I just can’t think any. We can always bring change to our lives. Sometimes that involves a physical change other times that requires a mental change, changing our thinking. Our thoughts create who we are, negative thoughts create a sad and negative person. Positive and happy thoughts create a positive happy person. Which do you want to be? I certainly know which I want to be!!

Having said that I look at my own life as it is today. I have in fact allowed a shadow of negativity to over take my life. I struggle to remain positive but all of that is still somewhat over shadowed by somewhat of a cloud I have allowed to gather over my head. Let’s face it this whole dying thing can be a bit of a downer. I think I am as prepared as I can be and am not afraid, at least that is what I keep telling myself. But, really can you ever be totally ready for this.

Every once in a while I need to stop take stock of where I am at in my head and often give it a shake to get myself back on track. Re-enforce the positive and get rid of the negative.

There are always two ways you can look at everything. This is where the serenity prayer fit so perfectly into what I am saying. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

OK, I have a lets just say a gimpy heart, a brain tumor, diabetes and epilepsy. Now that sucks big time as far as I am concerned. All of these conditions fall into the category of things I can’t change. I could get mad, jump up and down yelling and screaming about how unfair it all is, I could get depressed. There are really all sorts of negative things I could do. But at the end of the day, nothing will have changed with my conditions. All I will have accomplished is make myself miserable and waste precious time. Every moment on this earth is meant to be precious and enjoyed, never endured. These are things I can’t change. Granted I can and do take all of my medications etc.. But all the medications do really is treat the symptoms not the condition itself.

A sweeping statement like “accept the things you can not change” can be tricky at best. It is so easy to accept our lot in life, with a sort of “poor me” attitude, my life is miserable and there is just nothing I can do about it, “poor me”. Accepting the unacceptable is just easier than to have to have the courage to make a change. It takes courage to make a big change, to make any change. I say it again life is meant to be lived not endured. Look at your life, all parts of your life. If you are enduring rather than living, it is time for a change. Our time on this earth is limited. Don’t wait until you are facing death in the face to bring change into your life. Just think of all the living you will have missed out on. Even one moment wasted is gone forever. Out time is an non renewable resource don’t squander it.

I am on a roll and have more to say but am just to tired right now. May try to post more later.