Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Things you don’t know about me

I have been tagged by my friend psychscribe as me to list 10 things you don’t know about me. I find this actually kind of tough and a bit of a challenge as I think most things I have just laid out there. I am memory guy here so I may have mentioned some or even all of this in the past, don’t know, but here we go.

1. I am to short for my weight

2. I am really not a sports fan, watching very little of it even on TV. BUT, do like to watch the season finals or championships of most sports.

3. I have my own strong spiritual beliefs but do not attend any particular church.

4. Being a banker most of my working life I was transfered often. So often that our home now is my 26th different residence.

5. Back in my younger and wilder days I would occasionally get into fights with other guys. I have never been able to tolerate a bully and most fights resulted from this.

6. I seem to love all foods greasy, hamburgers, french fries, pizza etc.

7. I hate brussel sprouts and anything from the squash family.

8. It seems no matter how much sun I get my legs never seem to want to tan.

9. I have a very strong belief in Angels, Guardian Angels, Spirit Guides etc.

10. I do a lot of reading. But my reading seems to be in spurts. I will do a lot of reading for a couple of months and then virtually none for the next while.

There we go 10 things just off the top of my head. May change or add more later. I will likely tag a few friends but will have to do that later.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Happy Birthday Billie/acts of kindness request

If I were asked directly, what have I done to make this world a better place. I would hum and haa and finally have to admit really nothing. But, really that is wrong. The world is truly a better place because of my 2 daughters, Billie and Shauna. I am lucky enough to be able to claim at least some of the credit for bringing them into this world. Through them I have done something to make this world a better place.

Well today is a special day. It is Billie’s birthday. I am flat out asking any one and everyone that may read this to give her a birthday present to join with us in celebrating her turning 30.

What would be the very best present you could possibly give to her. Perform a small random act of kindness for some one, for anyone. Every single act of kindness does indeed make this world a little bit better. How much better, who is to ever know. A single act of kindness can cause a ripple effect and who is to know how far or how wide that ripple will spread. OK, let’s face it will a simple small act of kindness you your part bring about world peace or anything like that, not likely but who can know. But, it is enough to know with every act of kindness the world is in fact a little bit better.

In the past on several occasions I have asked for anonymous random acts of kindness be preformed. Anonymous because it is then done with no expectation of reward or recognition of any kind. It is instead done from the beauty and love contained with in our hearts. It is an act of kindness done not because I had to or because I was expected to. It is done simply because i wanted to help another, prompted only by the love and goodness contained within my heart. If a single act of kindness makes the world a little better, think about how much better it can be if we all join together, each doing their own little part.

Back at the top of this post you will see a separate page I have set up called “Spirit within Me”. Within that posting, I am asking all to commit to 5 minutes a week to specifically look for an act of kindness to perform for another. Now think about it, I don’t care how busy you are, no one is so busy that can’t squeeze in 5 minutes a week. Hey, 5 minutes a day would be preferable but 5 minutes a week is a start.

OK, to Billie’s birthday present. I am asking the acts of kindness remain anonymous to who ever it is you are doing it. But, I am asking please leave me a comment here, telling me what is was you did. By doing so you are not seeking glory or praise but instead sharing ideas with others about things maybe they can do going forward. Plus I know Billie will be thrilled at the thought of kindness being done in her name or for her birthday.

I ask fellow bloggers to make mention of this. Let’s get the world just over flowing with kindness.

Happy Birthday Billie, I love you.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Great Wedding/weekend

This past weekend was a wonderful time. We had company arriving through out last week all in preparation for the wedding on Saturday.

Festivities began on Friday afternoon. Families from both sides (bride and groom) plus the wedding party gathered in our back yard for a BBQ prior to the wedding party rushing off to the wedding rehearsal. There must have 30-35 people if not more. There was a master BBQ’er standing (lol) at the grill or at least no one that I know of got food poisoning or anything of the sort. My brother Eric arrived with a huge potato salad, which together with the salads etc. that Vi had prepared made for a great meal. I love that pasta/manderine orange salad. Lets just say a quantity of beer was consumed.

Saturday arrived, the wedding day. It was beautiful, sunny and hot. Well hot by our Manitoba standards. Bride was gorgeous, brides maids all beautiful, groom. best , man and ushers all very handsome and damper in their tuxedos. Ceremony was beautiful, I am told. Very close to the beginning of the ceremony 18 month old Seth, also very handsome and dapper in his tuxedo, decided he didn’t want to stay inside and was very vocal about telling the entire church about it. As I am the step grandpa or poppa as he calls me, I picked him up and carried him outside. The Church as it turns out has a beautiful little park beside it. Seth and poppa had a great time playing in it. Turns out the service was much shorter than I had expected. I thought we had only played for a few minutes, but time does seem to fly by when you are having fun. When I picked him up to go back inside everything was just ending. The priest was just introducing Mr. and Mrs. Zahayko to those in attendance. Everyone tells me the service was beautiful and I am kind of sorry I missed it, but hey if I had to do it all over I would still chose playing with Seth, he is such a sweet little guy.

It is at this point in the post I had planned to put in a picture of the bride and groom. Well an interesting thing happened. I gave the camera to my daughter Shauna to snap a few pics and memory guy here forgot to get it back. So my camera is now out of town. A picture of the bride and groom will be going up soon.

I have heard it said it is good luck to have it rain on your wedding day. Well I hope so. Right after the service the wedding party and family went to the Manitoba Legislature building to have some pictures taken. It is a beautiful spot to which many wedding parties go for pictures. The beautiful sunny day changed within a matter of minutes. Wedding party was just getting out of the limo for the pictures and the rain started and lasted for approx. 1 1/2 hours the time alloted for the pictures with the photographer. What can you do but make do with what you have. Thankfully there is an overhang atop the steps of the legislature and pictures were taken there.

A reception followed, the meal was great and the dance enjoyed by all. Rumor has it that a heavy set bald guy even got dragged up on the dance floor and really showed his stuff. Well at least showed his stuff at the beginning of each song but seemed to really slow down as the song continued. That same rumor contends that after each song he retreated to a chair to huff and puff for several minutes.

A big congratulations to Lynelle and Jason. “May the very best day in your past be not nearly as good as the worst day in your future”.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Wedding Wishes

I mentioned yesterday of how family is starting to gather for Lynelle and Jason’s wedding on Saturday. From the way the week is starting it would seem it will be a week long celebration. At this rate all could be so tired by the time we reach the actual day everyone will be to tired to enjoy the actual day. Naw, that won’t happen.

Yesterday, I was flipping through so of the files I have stored here on the computer and came on something that I had forgotten about, or hadn’t realized I had saved a copy of. It was a wedding wish I had written a while ago for someone dear to me. She lives basically on the other side of the world, which eliminated any chance of actually attending the wedding. I wasn’t there physically but I was there in spirit. Hey, we even figured out the time difference and drank a toast to the happy couple. OK, the toast may have been with coffee but it is the thought that counts, I think.

I realize over the summer there will be many couples getting married and while I am specifically dedicating this to Lynelle and Jason, I extend the thoughts to all.

Here is the message I wrote back then, I have obviously changed the names to suit the occasion.

Dear Lynelle and Jason

Both Vi and myself send you our most heart felt congratulations on this your wonderful day.

Enjoy this day, cherish it and each other, it is the beginning of your lives together.

Jason; just take a moment to really take a look and Lynelle. Really look and see the beautiful, wonderful young woman that is pledging to spend the rest of her life with you. Let the realization, the awe, sink in at just how lucky you are. Feel it in your heart, cherish that feeling as much as you cherish Her. I know your heart is already full of love but in one small corner, store that feeling. Store the feeling of being so lucky, be in awe of her. Keep it there so you can draw on it anytime you need it and believe me there will be will tiffs and times when you feel cross with each other. Those are the times you reach into your heart and go to that spot. By going to that spot you will remember how much you love her, how lucky you are to have her and suddenly what ever you are upset about suddenly will seem pretty small

Now Lynelle you do the same, look at Jason and realize how lucky you are to have this wonderful man pledging to spend the rest of his life with you. Always keep your heart full of love for him but have that one little spot, where you store the feeling of the luckiest woman on this earth. Keep that feeling tucked away, go to it when you need it.

Each of you make a pledge that every day you will do you very best not to drive the other to seek the comfort and support of that little spot.

I hope your day is wonderful and that your lives together are even better.

Our toast to you: “ May the very best day in your past be not nearly as good as the worst day in your future:.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Exciting Week

Yesterday marked the beginning of what is going to be a very exciting week. Vi’s daughter, my step daughter, Lynelle is getting married this Saturday. The house will be bursting with family and friends, all here to join in celebrating this occasion.

Lynelle and soon to be hubby Jason arrived yesterday with Seth and Sadie in tow. Murray a member of the wedding part accompanied them.

Wednesday, Vi’s son’s Rob, Dave and Michael will be arriving. Rob with g/f Reagan and children Arielle and Stephan. Dave with wife Kelly and children Dawson and Carter. Numerous other family members arriving at different times through the week. House could be bursting at the seams but hey you can always find room for one more. I think 13 is the most over night guests we have had at one time in the past. All are always welcome, not saying you will necessarily get a bed, maybe a couch or even an air mattress on the floor but we will fit you in somewhere.

Looking forward to an exciting week. Not sure if with everything happening is I will be posting regularly but I will keep updating the wedding progress.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Prayer Request

I have just read a comment left by Vi’s bother Henri. A special prayer request has been made. I ask please for prayers from all. Here is Henri’s request:

Hi Bill,
I ask if your friends could send a prayer to Dallas, Her father passed last night (earlier this AM) She is Jeryls (nephew) best friend.. and only 10 years old.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Happy Father’s Day

Happy father’s day to all the dads out there. I hope a wonderful and loving time is had by all and that it is seen as a special day by all.

It has only been in the past few years since I was forced into “early retirement” obviously because of my health, that I have been allowed the time, the luxury of just being able to sit back and think. As I am just an average guy I assume my average guy thoughts are typical of many. So as I think back to past events or times in my life I imagine many can relate at least in some way.

My own father passed over in 1985 but I think back to the father’s days prior to his passing and what it was that I did or more importantly what I didn’t do to mark those special occasions.

Here I go with my “excuses”. Right out of high school I was hired by the bank and almost immediately transfered to a different town about 600 miles away. Never again were we to ever live in the same community. So OBVIOUSLY I was unable to have dad over for a big family BBQ in the back yard with all the family around. I realize now I chose to limit myself to be obligatory phone call on father’s day. I am sure all either know or can at least imagine the type of phone call I am talking about. “Hi happy father’s day”. Fill in a minute or two of idle chatter and then say I have to run. Again wish him a happy father’s day and hang up. Feeling almost relieved that one more obligation is out of the way and I can get on with my life.

I realize now that some where along the line I came to view that phone call as an obligation, something I was expected to do. Some how I allowed in my mind the day to become just another day, but with one in which I was obligated to make a phone call. Maybe in some ways almost like an inconvenience or bit of a worry about maybe forgetting about it all together. Make the call and it was almost sort of a relief, “phew, got that done for another year.” I have to wonder how many other have allowed themselves to think of it in that way. Likely, not many that will admit it even to themselves, it just sounds so disrespectful. I wonder how much is done, be it family get togethers what ever, that are done out of this sense of obligation as opposed to truly being a gesture of respect and thanks.

In my thoughtful moments I have come to view fathers day from I suppose 2 different angles.

Father’s day as should Mother’s day be seen as special days. Each is but one day of the year in which we can show our respect and gratitude in this case to our fathers for what they have contributed to our lives. Granted there are always exceptions and I do acknowledge there are some that aren’t deserving of any thanks. I am not going to go into that now as I do believe these are in the vast minority.

As adults how do we recognize our fathers on this day. Let’s face it father’s day is seldom really a full day or recognition. It is more often limited to the “phone call” which may take mere minutes. It may take a few hours if it includes some sort of family get together. When you think of a few hours in relation to the number of hours we have in a year, it is a very small percentage. It is only now, well after my father passed away that I can really see how in the big picture of my life, how little effort it would have taken on my part to make “his” day at least a little more special.

I hope and pray that tomorrow, when the obligatory phone calls are made or the family functions are attended we can bring our focus, our mind sets to the real reason for the day. To give honor and respect to the man, with out whom we would not even exist. Truly giving this short period of time, really putting our hearts into it does really to me seem to be a pretty small price to pay for out very “existence”.

The second way I have learned to see the day is actually from the prospective of being a father. This is a day meant to be for fathers. As such I think it is also a day for the fathers to really look at their lives. To look at the roll they are playing in their children’s lives as a father. It is the fact that I have children that is allowing me to be “honored” on this day. Let’s face it simple biology allows virtually every male to become a father, but it takes a man to be a father.

I know most dad’s are out there struggling day by day to be the best father they can. This being a parent thing is hard, there are no exact training manuals covering how to deal with so many of the individual situations we encounter and we do our best and hope for the best out come.

I encourage all fathers to take a few moments of quiet time and silently reflect on how we are fulfilling our “duties” as a father. To celebrate the small successes occurring on a daily basis. Admit we have made mistakes, look at them and learn from them. Take this time to enjoy and appreciate the wonder of being granted children. Feel the love for your children and make and internal vow to be the very best dad you can be in this upcoming year.

I hope all have a wonderful, love filled day.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Life changing moments

A few days ago I was just going back over some of the wonderful comments I have received as I so often do. I want to acknowledge one dear blogging friend who has been here with me from virtually the beginning. I only know her as babychaos and that she lives in the UK. I don’t get around to visit nearly as much as I would like to, but as with many I occasionally pop in to check up on her. Of late she has been writing of her pregnancy. She of late has been writing of how the baby is over due and that she is scheduled to go into the hospital to have the labor induced. Well today is the day. Now I am not sure of the exact time difference between here and the UK but I so think it would be early afternoon there at the time I am writing this. Based on this I think it is quite possible at this very moment she is in labor. I ask all for prayers for her and the safe delivery of a healthy baby.

Just thinking of this causes my mind to drift back to the births of my own 2 wonderful daughters. My own daughter Billie is going to have a birthday in a couple of weeks. Now I know she would not be opposed to me revealing her age here, but I also know a gentleman would never ask or reveal a Ladies age. Both of my fine daughters are definitely fine Ladies so I will respect that and not reveal her age. Instead I am going to share some of the memories I have of my thoughts and feelings around this time 30 years ago.

I was a soon to be father for the first time. I remember being over joyed yet scared, excited but nervous. Over all I was very excited and happy about what what to take place, I couldn’t wait to see my baby and to hold her in my arms. Yet at the same time I was scared, nervous and worried, what did I know about being a father, NOTHING!!!!. I am not sure if I had even held a baby prior to that point. I was so happy, so excited at the thought of becoming a father, but I worried was I ready.

Back 30 years ago I was living right here in Winnipeg, having been transfered here by the bank. Back then I didn’t know the city all that well and trying to be the good father to be, I went out and drove the route to the hospital. I didn’t want there to be any chance of getting lost or anything of the sort when the big moment arrived. I wanted to be as ready as I could be.

Well ready or not the big day arrived. The due date that is. I remember having friends over that evening and I am sure we likely just sat around looking at her tummy, waiting for the miracle of birth to happen. I think the friends left about midnight all disappointed nothing had happened.

We prepared for bed and my wife came to me saying she had a bit of “show” after going to the washroom. She asked what I thought it meant and should we go to the hospital. Geeeeesh, I don’t know. Now we had taken the prenatal classes and everything was apparently based on contractions and how far apart they were. There had been no contractions so what could this mean? It is better to be safe than sorry and as it was the due date we decided to go to the hospital. Off we go on my preplanned route. My preplanned had had not taken into consideration the road construction Winnipeg is so famous for in the summer. My route was completely blocked and off onto the side streets I went looking for a way around the construction. In Winnipeg that is not always as simple as it would sound. I remained cool and calm, remember no contractions.

We arrived at the hospital, I got the soon to be mommy inside and seated as I went to the registration desk. The first question the nurse asked was: “how far apart are the contractions”. I will never forget the surprised look on her face when I told her there hadn’t been any contractions. I was trying to explain the story, it was the due date, the show and all of that and her look turned more to what I would suppose would be patronizing. I am sure thinking I was just an over reacting father to be and I wasn’t sure if that is in fact what I was. That part actually happened very quickly as my ex proclaimed her water had just broken, now that prompted a beehive of activity. There was a big clock on the wall behind the nurses desk and I remember it being 1:01am as I was first approaching the desk. What followed was a lot of frantic activity as Billie entered the world at 1:19am.

It is absolutely natural and understandable that all the attention should go to the woman about to deliver a baby, that is as is should be and I wouldn’t want it any other way. In this sort of circumstance as the father you are left standing there in something akin to shock. Like this can’t be happening this fast, what happened to the long labor. Basically, they got her into a room, checked her and immediately rushed her to the delivery room. Knowing I was to be in the delivery room as they were wheeling her out of the room, handed me a part, of what I think are called scrubs. She pointed to what turned out to be some sort of utility room saying, “you can put these on in there but you had better hurry.” Well hurry I did but even so when I came out of the room I found the hallway to be totally empty. I knew the direction they had gone but not to where. Here I think the surprise, the shock of it all happening so quickly had worn off a little to be replaced more with panic. I wanted to be “there” but where exactly was “there”. Ultimately it wasn’t difficult at all finding them but even so I arrived as the baby was crowning. It was quickly apparent my wife was understandably to absorbed in what was happening to be interested in me or my coached breathing techniques at that time. Realizing it had reached the point where I wasn’t needed or really wanted at the head of the delivery table. I moved down to shall we say the business end of the table. I witnessed the miracle of birth, I saw my beautiful daughter enter this world. As she entered the world she “landed” on a towel, blanket like thing. I suppose it is because I was standing right there the doctor quickly wrapped her in this towel and handed her to me. I was blessed by being able to hold both of my daughters when they were but seconds old. I held her while the nurses suctioned her mouth and nose etc.. I was then told to put her on the mommy’s tummy. I am not sure how long I got to hold her that time, not long I know, maybe even less than a minute. But that was all it took to change me forever. My heart melted, I totally turned to mush inside. In those few seconds my view of life, my out look on the world completely changed. I was a dad. There are no words to describe how I felt. Feelings of love swept over me, feeling of joy, of excitement. I was the happiest and proudest dad you could have met.

That was a life changing moment for me. By life changing I don’t mean in just the physical ways having a baby in your life will bring. I mean an internal change to me, my thinking, my feelings, my desires, my view on life.

I had a second such moment with the birth of my daughter Shauna, I will write about that as we near her birthday.

I am such a lucky man to have been blessed with 2 such wonderful daughters. I give prayers of thanks every day for that blessing.

Today I am asking all to say a short prayer for my daughters. both are such a true blessing to me and to the world. Prayers are always welcome and appreciated.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Resisting Change

Yesterday was a good day but was it ever a long day. It was close to 5:00am before I settled down to sleep. Vi wasn’t home, she had gone to visit friends and the visit evolved into being a sleep over. With her gone I decided to order a pizza, that was around 6:00 and all was good, it tasted good and I enjoyed it. It was maybe 10:00 or 11:00 and my gut area started to rumble and roll. Glad I was alone as the area around me often didn’t smell all that pleasant. Then it started, the urgent need to run to the bathroom and sit atop the throne. That just seemed to carry on and on. I did learn one thing, late, late night TV isn’t very good. Up this morning and things seem to be back in order. I now know one place I won’t be ordering Pizza from again.

Over the past while I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have been thinking of past events and a realization really came to me about myself and how much I have and still do resist change. I am talking in so many different areas big and small. One small but I realize typical example is, don’t eat out that often. But, when we do decide to venture out for a meal, it will virtually guaranteed be to one of the same 2 or 3 restaurants. It is also virtually guaranteed that at which ever restaurant it is, I will order the same meal that I always do at that particular spot. I am either just plain boring or lacking any sort of adventuresome spirit. By ordering the same meal in the same spot I know what to expect, I am not risking having any surprises thrown at me be they bad or be they GOOD. Even with this, such a really trivial thing in live, I have to wonder, how much or what have I missed out on.

From here my mind some how wandered as it always does. I began thinking of the over all picture of my life. I see that big picture as being like a beautiful tapestry of my life being woven by God. Each day, each event being but one thread in that tapestry. Now should the same event happening in life be represented by the same color thread, mine tapestry could very well be pretty boring. I know this is a huge over simplification and I only use it to get my point across.

Sometimes I wonder if this resistance to change isn’t something we are born with, possibly as a natural survival technique. If we are actually born with an element of this resistance built into us. Maybe it is natural that when life gets a hold of us, events, circumstances what ever play out before us, that what may start out as a natural survival instinct gets blown way out of proportion to the fear based unhealthy situation in which many of us find ourselves living. It causes us to seek the “safety” of our familiar surrounding such as they may be. We grown to fear change as it will force us to face an element of the unknown. Fear is always our greatest and strongest enemy. Fear of facing the unknown can be so debilitating we resist it, no matter what the cost to ourselves. This debilitating fear of change can effect us in every area of our lives, big and small. I think it was Winston Churchill who said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”. I hope everyone will take an honest look at their own lives to see if fear is holding you back from making positive change.

Fear of death, I think would easily be the most common fear shared by most if not all. If we fear small changes in our lives, I suppose it is understandable that we would fear this the biggest of all possible changes.

I have written before of how I believe our physical death marks only an end to our physical time here on this earth. We do not die, other than in the physical sense. In a very broad sense I can almost see it as we leave this world we are being something akin to being born in the Spiritual Realm. That is what I believe but let’s face it there is no greater unknown than what lies after death.

The fact that we are going to die at some time, is truly the only thing absolutely everyone on this planet has in common. We each face it in our own individual, personal, private and unique ways. This is truly the greatest “change” we will ever face in this physical life of ours. Individually, we dread it, we fear it, we refuse to even think about it. As our time draws closer many will dread and fear it more and more. Some will even become desperate in their frantic efforts to avoid facing this huge change. During our entire life times and more particularly as we near the end, we are surrounded by many that assure us of the wonders,the beauty, the love that awaits us after we pass over. The love, the peace, the joy, the wonders of Heaven. We hear all of this but fight facing the change and the unknown that lies ahead.

Ultimately, The Good Lord at the time of His choosing will step in and call us home, in effect forcing the change upon us, ready or not.

In my mind I equate this to being part of the natural life cycle. I look at the whole birth, rebirth idea of mine. We fight leaving this world fearing facing the unknown and what I think of as the rebirth into the next world.

I know I have written about this before but this leads me to think of our birth into this physical world. I wonder if somehow, through some miracle we were able to actually talk to and carry on a conversation with a soon to be born baby. I know this is a stretch of the imagination but try to imagine it. Imagine a soon to be born baby. A baby that has spent his/her entire existence  tucked away snuggly, safely within the mothers womb. This warm, safe environment is all the baby has ever known. I am talking magical, miraculous times here so bear with me. Suppose suddenly this baby realized it was soon to leave the comfort the  safety of the only home it has ever known. As we are magically able to talk to this baby, we could assure him/her of the wonderful world it will be entering. We could speak of the loving family waiting its arrival. We could speak of all the love and care he/she will receive from so many. We could tell the baby of all the wonders that await its arrival. We could assure the baby that he/she will be so much better off than they are now, stuck in the wet, dark, cramped confines of the mother’s womb. Now try to imagine the thoughts that might be running through the baby’s mind. He/she will soon be forced to leave the only home it has ever known, within the mother’s womb. Granted, the baby may even realize that his/her “living conditions” inside the womb have become intolerably cramped as he/she is grown. My magical thinking and communicating baby may have even realized a change has to be made. Living quarters are just to cramped. Now in spite of our magical baby knowing a change must be made and in spite of all of our assurances or the wonders that await him/her after birth. How comfortable do you think this baby would likely be at venturing out leaving the only home it has ever known. I have to wonder at how willing that baby would be to willingly leave the comfort of the only home it has ever known. Maybe, that is why some babies seem to fight to delay their arrival into this world and again the Good Lord must step in and give them that little extra push.

Just thoughts according to “Bill”

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Dying – helping your family

In my administrator’s site for the blog I can see the words people have typed into the various search engines to find this blog. So often I see words that relate to talking to the dying, what do you say to someone that is dying?

Well I have hear the words come out of my doctors mouth directed to me, “You are dying”. Words no one want to hear, but everyday many do hear them. It is just a fact of live, at some point everyone is going to die. We all know we are going to die at sometime, but prefer to keep it as something, we just don’t think about as it, will happen but only some time way way in the future. I do hope and pray, all live long and healthy lives.

As much as we may deny any thoughts of our own passing, there are still times when death will just jump up and smack us in the face. We will all have to face the passing of loved ones, be they family, friends, co-workers or neighbors. A time will come when we all have to face the final passing of someone we care about. Sadly, there will be times when it is by way of a tragic accident and we will have no time to say our good byes. Other times the passing will be slower as with an illness. At times such as this we do have a time in which we can visit, spend time with this person before they are gone from our lives forever. I think it would likely be safe to say, that we would want to be able to provide support for the person or at very least we certainly wouldn’t want to do or say anything to make them feel worse. So what can we say or do?

I have said many times I am not a doctor, not a member of the clergy, not a therapist, I am in fact just me. I can only share my thoughts and feelings as I have heard the “you are dying” words. I realize everyone is different, every situation is different, everyone’s reactions are different. I can share only mine. I look back and see that even within myself, my thoughts, feelings and “needs” were different at different times.

I in fact kept those words to myself for the first 6 months or so. My thoughts were I didn’t want to burden or worry my family. There was nothing they could do, so why cause them worry or grief before it became necessary. Carrying a secret like that inside proved to be more difficult than I imagined. I needed to vent, I needed to let it out, but to who? To vent and to let this out was one of the reasons for this blog. Initially, I was anonymous, being Hudds53. Ironically, it was through the blog that my “secret” was exposed and my family found out.

Prior to that, partially through my writing on the blog and the support I was receiving through many comments from readers. Two realizations came to me. The Good Lord for reasons known only to Himself was giving me some extra time. Time to prepare myself for what was to come. Time to prepare myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I had already survived 4 heart attacks, 2 of which were described as massive, open heart surgery and here I was still being granted more time to prepare. It came to me, The Good Lord was granting me this extra time but that I was denying my family and loved ones the benefit of the “preparation” time.

As I looked deeper with in, I came to realize there was also a more selfish reason for keeping “my secret”. My thoughts revolved around the fact that “I” was the one about to make this final journey. My thoughts and feeling revolved around “me” and what I needed and wanted. I suppose it was sort of like, “hey, I am the one that has been told is dying, shouldn’t the world revolve around me and my thoughts and wants at this time”. I envisioned with dread the idea of spending my last days surrounded by crying, grieving loved ones. I have long felt it is harder on the families than it is on the patient or at least I know that to be true in my case.

I realized with my belief system in place, I am not afraid of what is facing me. I admit to being a little nervous about the actual transition from this world to the next. That being just because I am an admitted wimp when it comes to pain. I wonder can I use some of my “prep time” to help them with “their prep time” and help them to prepare for what we all know is to come or at very least not to make it harder or worse for them.

The day is approaching when I will move on. I will be fine, in fact I will be far past being fine, I will be in the most wonderful of all places. It is my loved ones that will be left behind to face the pain, the sense of loss, the grief. It does seem so unfair, I will be surrounded by and filled with so much love, peace and serenity, beyond my imagination and they will be left behind with pain and grief. It is in fact so unfair that I want to do what ever I can to help them through what we know will be a difficult time. But how?

I am sure anyone with proper training and experience could give a list of hundreds of ways. Well I don’t have that training so I can only give a few of the ways that sort of jump out at me through what I have experienced.

Hearing those words are something no one wants, ever. To say it really sucks when you do hear them is such an understatement. It did take me a while to get past the thought that “this is happening to me and sure while you may be hurting for a little bit, you will with time get over it and will STILL BE ALIVE, I AM THE ONE THAT IS GOING TO BE DEAD”!!!!!! Through Prayer and meditation I can to see that in my case at least, my family does have it much worse than I do. They know what is coming just as I do, but are forced to just sit on the side line and helplessly watch and wait. The feeling of helplessness has to be one of the worst feelings in the world, so badly wanting to do something anything but knowing you are helpless to really do anything. Let’s just take one of my rush trips to the hospital as an example. Usually, with in minutes of arriving I am pumped full of medications. Pain and discomfort if usually relatively quickly gone and I am in a drug induced calm and tranquil state. Not so with the family as they are forced to helplessly sit by watching and waiting. Often out in the waiting room, waiting as the doctors do their stuff. So much harder than what I am going through.

I wish I had some sort of magic wand or something I could just wave and all of their fears and worry would be gone. What do I have, really nothing but words and attitude with which I can try to comfort them and help them prepare for what is coming.

Maybe attitude is the most important. I think, I hope that by clearly showing I am not afraid of what is to come, may provide an element of comfort. I believe that by showing I am “OK” with the situation, it may ease their worry level or at least not add to it. For me it goes beyond that to what sort of last memories do I want my family to carry of me. If I allow my thoughts to remain centered solely on my self and my condition, it could be easy to slip into and angry bitter thought process.  I was 53 years old when I heard those words “now how unfair is that, to hear those words at such a young age.” I could allow myself to become angry, bitter, mad at the world and lash out at anyone and everyone that comes near me. Realistically, what would that accomplish besides making my days miserable and making the lives of everyone around me miserable. Medically, it isn’t going to change anything or if it does it very well may shorten my life span through all the stress I would be bring on myself. If I became that person, think of the final memories I am leaving behind. That is not the way I want to be remembered, I imagine not the way anyone wants to be remembered. Attitude can determine your actions and actions do speak louder than words.

That doesn’t mean that words are not important. I must talk about and express my thoughts and feelings, get it all out so to speak. But at the same time i have to realize, just because of my health, I shouldn’t be expecting the world to suddenly be revolving around me. I am in fact not the only one going through this. My family, my friends everyone is going through it with me. Granted, when I make that final big step, I will do it alone. But in the journey up to that point, we share the journey. I need to recognize and accept that everyone deals with this sort of situation in their own individual way. I love my family and do want to help them as I always have. This in fact may be the last chance I get to help them in any meaningful way. I need to be willing to listen to them as they may share their feelings, their thoughts, fears, what ever. I need to be and I am open to talk.

As so often seems to happen, I sat down with I suppose an agenda in mind and have seemingly wandered off topic, which was to be talking to the dying. Getting tired so will try to get to that tomorrow.