Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Accomplishing

March 30, 2012

For the past couple of weeks I have been basking in the wonders of grandpa heaven. A new grandchild just gladdens your heart, lifts your spirits. I am a lucky man and the world is so good.

I am still working on my renovations in the basement. Yeah, I know it seems to be taking forever to get this completed. Well that is because I work at “Bill”speed. It seems I have a couple of hours each morning that I can poke away at it. (Bill speed 2 minutes of actually doing something followed by 5 minutes of sitting huffing and puffing) but I am getting it done. Had a bit of a opp yesterday, I “discovered” that an electric drill will yes drill a hole through wood but not only that it will easily drill right into your thumb. I am going to have to do a post on this neuropathy thing. I did take just a small bit out of my thumb, now wouldn’t you think that would hurt but I didn’t even realize it had happened until I noticed the blood on the floor. Oh, wait maybe that is because I am such a tough macho guy. lol.

I have been asked: “why are you doing this? You are converting your computer room/library together with a huge storage area into what in the future could be used as a nice bedroom. You don’t need the 4th bedroom so why exert yourself doing all of this?

Well there are a couple of reasons. Finishing it off as I am and installing the additional bedroom should increase the resale value of the home in the future. I am looking ahead, Vi wants to stay in the home after I am gone and that is fine. But, at some point it will come up for sale. What I am trying to do now will benefit her in the future.

But, then there is another big reason, I am doing it because I can. I know how to do all this stuff, progress it painfully slow but I am getting there.I have come to realize life itself is but a continual ongoing series of baby steps journeying down the highway of life. That is what life is a continual series of steps towards our common ultimate goal. Think about it from the very moment we are born we begin the journey that will ultimately end in the same way for us all. What counts is what we do while on that journey.l Life is not always easy but it is so worth it.

There are times while on our earthly journey that what can seem like over whelming monumental tasks or issues can come up before us. They can stop us in our tracks but usually not or at least not for long. Some how those tentative baby steps take us through it. I my case it is often in spite of myself.

For me and the renovation project, it may be with baby steps but I am getting there. It would be easy to become over whelmed by the sheer size of what I am trying to do. I have to remember even the smallest baby steps are moving in the right direction. I have come to realize and appreciate even if I only get one nail driven in a particular day, I did accomplish something moving me one step forward. That is all we can do in life

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – The World Revolves around me

March 26, 2012

The universe revolves around me, or at least it SHOULD. I couldn’t even type that with out a chuckle. What could you say about a comment like that egotistical, selfish, self centered just plain ridiculous. I think we would all agree you would have to be just plain crazy if you actually thought that. No one in there right mind would really believe or expect that. For this post I am taking religion and faith out of the equation and am just thinking on the physical/human level of life. Nowif that were indeed some how to be the case, what would life be like? If the universe were to truly revolve around me that would make me the most important person, more important than anyone else. As such everyone else would bow to my wishes, clear the way for me to have my way in every thing. I know the very thought is ridiculous and it is. No one would actually think, believe or expect that. Or, would we?

Let’s just scale that thought down a little. OK, way down to our own lives and our  own sphere of influence. Now I don’t care what your job title may be or how much money you may have there is no one in this world that is more important than I am. That same applies in reverse, I am no more important than anyone else with no exceptions to that!!!!

I am not sure is it with a self sense of importance that we take so many things in life personally. When we take things personally or to heart we can be more easily upset by them. Sometimes a bad memory can be a good thing, I know I have forgotten so much. I do know there were countless times when I become upset wasting precious moments of my time with negativity.
A couple of basic example in every day life. Another driver in traffic cuts me off, pulls into my lane ahead of me. Reaction: “how dare that ignorant @#&* cut me off in traffic”. Some how when I came to be able not to take things so personally, I came to realize I am not that important in this way. I am not so important that this other driver was cutting in front of Bill Howdle. He/she was merely cutting in front of another car in traffic. Take the personal element out of it and it suddenly is not all that upsetting.

One more example. I encounter who I see to be a clerk in a store that is rude or not that accommodating or pleasant. Now if that were the case that clerk is but another human and having their own bad day, just as we have ours. Don’t take it personally, that clerk was not being impolite to Bill Howdle but merely snapping at the next customer in line. I am not that important that this clerk would even know who I am. Don’t take it personally and it is so much easier to accept as let go.

Life is too short to waste it incorrectly on foolishness.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Prayer Request Please

March 21, 2012

Any that may have followed the blog for any time, know our dear blooging friend Mel. Mel’s sister under went cancer surgery. I ask please for prayers of Mel, her sister and entire family.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Happy, happy grandpa

March 19, 2012

I have some news that will be devastating to grandparents out there. you all well may be thinking that your grandchildren are the most beautiful, the most wonderful, the smartest………

Well there is no easy way to tell you this so I will just come out and say it: “YOU ARE WRONG, MINE ARE.”

I believe that every baby born onto this earth is a gift and a blessing from God. When it is your own grandchild being born those feelings are ramped up beyond belief.

I can scratch the number one item off of my fantasy bucket list. Shauna and Jake have had a baby and not just any baby, little Malieka. She is the answer to many many prayers. Shauna and Jake have been married for (oh boy, I could be in trouble not knowing this one) 12 or 13 years and have wanted and been trying for a baby for about the past 8 years There were so many disappointments when month after month the so wanted pregnancy didn’t come about. My heart and my prayers went out to them. We sometimes need to be reminded that things happen in God”s time not our time. When He obviously considered the time to be right, it happened and Shauna was pregnant. I remember how happy and excited I was hearing that news. I truly don’t think I am being biased here when I say Shauna and Jake will be wonderful parents. I think anyone that knows them will agree to that.

My prayers changed simply to that a healthy baby be born. Having no idea as to names or anything like that, I began to think of the baby as little peanut and little peanut became apart of my nightly prayer routine.

Little peanut developed and grew to become Malieka and is perfect in every way.

Malieka, you may have kept us waiting for 8 years but it was so worth the wait. I could just go on and on.

Malieka, welcome to the world, welcome to the family and we all love you so very much

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – I AM A GRANDPA AGAIN

March 18, 2012

I am a grandpa again. It may not be a pretty image in your head but picture me doing the grandpa happy dance.

My daughter Shauna and hubby Jake have blessed me with a grandchild, a beautiful little girl perfect in every way. Hey, with the mum and day she has and with the grandpa she has how could she be anything but perfect.

Malieka Faith is the newest addition to the family and let me tell you she is a heart melter. More coming tomorrow on this blessing to the family.

Phew, have to sit down and rest, legs are tired from all that dancing.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Being human

March 18, 2012

Something has just jumped up and become so very clear to me. I am sure this applies to the vast majority of us when I say, We are our own worst enemies. Now I think that little tidbit of information is something we all have rattling arround in the back of our heads somewhere. We may even see it and recognize it in ourselves. Now I don’t have any worst enemies or there is no one in this earthly world of ours that I consider as such. But let’s consider that I did. Now I imagine my thoughts and feelings towards that person would be pretty negative. I can speak from experience here as I know I have gone through this sort of thing in the past.

Now what could have put this person into the “enemy” category to begin with. Maybe we felt things like: they are too demanding, too critical, uncaring, impatient………. that could be an almost endless  list. What do we wish, that, that person would change their behavior. I mean my life would be so much better is he/she would only……. Why is it we can so easily see our perceived “flaws” in others and just know how they “must” change. One thing I have learned is that other people are other people and we have to accept them for whom they are. Some we chose to keep  in our lives and others we must pass by.

Now if we have our “enemy” list wouldn’t it we wise to start with who ever is #1 on that list. Oh geesh, for me anyway that is myself, now what to do. I can expect other “enemies” to change their attitudes or behaviors so shouldn’t I expect my #1 enemy to at least be working on changing. Man, I keep forgetting that #1 enemy is me, myself. Geesh, does that mean I have to make changes within myself? Yes it does. Negativity from others can impact on us greatly. Negativity coming from within ourselves about ourselves can be mind boggling, energy draining and soul crushing. We need to let it go. What is the negativity we carry about ourselves. It is just a collection of thoughts and thoughts can be changed. It requires time and work.It is ne of those things that the more you put into it the more you get back. Are you at least working on it, in your life?

I believe that God, see us and recognizes us as being mere humans, with all the short comings that come with being human. Seeing us as humans, does He expect us to be perfect? I don’t believe so. What I do believe is that He does expect us to keep trying. What do you think?

I am online should anyone wish to chat

March 18, 2012

It is about 9:00am my time and I am on line should anyone wish to chat. I will delete this message when I sign off

DyingMan’s Daily Journal – Boundaries

March 17, 2012

I AM BACK. A while ago I wrote of how I was feeling let’s just say down. Well 5 or 6 weeks ago I spoke to my doctor about it and he prescribed an antidepressant.Now it didn’t kick in immediately but wow am I ever feeling better. Hey I am already taking 15 or 16 pills a day so what is one more especially when it has such a dramatic affect on how I am feeling. I have been struggling with a life issue that surprisingly is not even related to my health. There is obviously a life lesson here for me to learn and now I can see that a little more clearly. It is all about establishing healthy boundaries.

Speaking of boundaries reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a short while ago. OK, I had my wonkie head going on at the time and I am memory guy but the conversation went something like this:

Don: “Don’t you have any boundaries or limitations on what you write on your blog?”

Me: “Huh”

Don:  You share everything on your blog even the most intimate and personal detail. You share all the personal details about your health, your mortality, your beliefs everything. You even wrote about your erectile dysfunction, now what guy is going to admit that. What guy is going to even admit that never mind tell the world. Now your writing about your depression.

Me: Aww

Now I can’t actually remember his exact wording but it was to that effect. I am sort of chuckling as I sit here as some where through the conversation he commented “even this conversation will likely be on the blog.” Gee, I guess you were right Don.

I don’t have my wonkie head today so I can answer his questions a little better

Why do I write about death and dying. Well obviously I can’t yet relate to the actual dying process but from what I am going through on this last leg of my earthly journey. This is something that unless you actually experience it, no matter how hard you try to can’t relate. I don’t want to minimize the love and support provided by those around us, that is so values and appreciated. It is just this leg of our journey is a lonely one. It is sort of like that saying, you can feel your loneliest when you are in a room full of other people. If you know you are dying that feeling of loneliness can be crushing.

I had and still hope to provide shall we say a venue for all to join in to receive the loving non-judgemental support we all need at this time. Yes, when I did start this I had the goal in mind of helping others and I am humbled by the fact that my simple words have been able to do that. I started with the “noble” idea of helping others. This whole process has been such a win/win situation as I have gained so much, received so much loving support, grown so much as a person. I guess it is true, “give and your shall receive”

As for the erectile dysfunction. OK, that one is a little embarrassing and what can I say. It is a “secret” that many men carry. I don’t think we like to talk about it as it reflects on our own macho esteem, feeling less of a man. Maybe if we bring it out more into the open and talk about it we can help easy that self imposed stigma. Geesh, I just read that last couple of sentences and am feeling embarrassed by it.

It is like that with the depression or I suppose any mental illness, we don’t want to talk about it as it relates to ourselves.

Or, maybe I yak about all this as I just like to talk. My mother usesd to joke that the way I like to talk, she is sure when I was vacinated it must have been with a gramaphone needle

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Yesterday not such a good day.

March 10, 2012

I am certainly glad to have yesterday over with and behind me not a good day at all. Today am feeling much better. Does this make sense, it is almost good to have a bad day. It makes our good days feel so much better, if we take the time to realize and appreciate it.

I am online should anyone wish to chat

March 8, 2012

I am online should anyone wish to chat. I will delete this post when I go off. Gone off line but have received comments so am leaving post up. If anyone is interested in chatting the mornings are usually the best time to find me online.