Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Worn out

I am feeling just plain worn out. I have to force myself to just about anything. I think I read in the paper that this has been the hottest summer in recorded history. I don’t seem to do so well in the heat especially when the humidity is high as it so often has been. It affects my breathing which in turn affects my physical abilities. I seem to spend more and more time sitting huffing and puffing trying to catch my breath. Once I start huffing and puffing it does seem to take longer to recover or catch my breath. Throw that in with this constant head ache and it becomes really frustrating out right annoying. The severity of the headaches is much much better but still there. I have to keep reminding myself it is just a headache. I always have a desire each day, to get something done. Usually it is something small but it gives me a sense of satisfaction at night knowing I did something.

The past month has been quite eventful. Vi spent a couple of weeks in Victoria BC. Son Rob got married. congratulations to Reagan and Rob, may you have long wonderful lives together.

Prior to Vi leaving, she received a phone call from a friend (a friend since their pre-school years) Louise. As it worked out Louise was coming to Winnipeg from Thompson for knee replacement surgery. Louis has no family here in the city and was hoping for a place to stay for a few days after the surgery. A few days to rest, heal and try to ensure things were on track before flying back to Thompson. Unfortunatly Vi wouldn’t be here. Now Louise is a lady I had only met briefly in passing years ago so I really didn’t know her. Here though was a person in need so what the heck. We have plenty of room here and if she was comfortable with the idea she was welcome to come here and I would do my best to care for any needs she might have. She took me up on the offer, apparently everyone knows “Bill” is harmless. As it turned out her needs were none. Just a place to stay and her knee seems to be doing fine. I do think though that she was glad to see Vi back for the last 3 days of her visit. For or five days of my cooking, huh, I guess I don’t blame her.

I have more to say but am tired

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – What it feels like to die (update)

Here from within the blog I can see the wording various people have typed into their search engines to find me here. I can also see which of my previous posts are being read. A post I did way back in Oct./09 is drawing a lot of attention. That post was done almost 3 years ago and maybe it is time to revisit the topic.

Oct9/09

Here on the blog I can read the words that various people have typed into a search engine by which they have found me. So very often there are words searching for information on what it feels like to die. What the experience will be like, the passing from the physical to the Spiritual Worlds.

Now that is something none of us will ever know for sure until we actually do experience it. Obviously, I have never experienced it, but have come close several times. So close that well after the fact I learned later that the doctors had not thought I would make it.

My second heart attack was a big on that resulted in open heart surgery. It was a very cold evening in 11/94. Back in those days I was physically in good shape, was actually out power walking with my ex.. The heart attack put me down on the icy side walk, ironically right in front of a police station. Now it is not that you get to choose where you will have a heart attack. Now if you could, in front of a hospital would be first choice. Wouldn’ t you think though that being in front of a police station a pretty good spot in which you could get help. WRONG, I will get into that someday or maybe I already have, can’t remember.

Anyway, most of it I don’t remember as I suppose I was in and out of consciousness. I was on the ground for about 45 minutes. There is though an event that happen twice or maybe 3 times. I remember lying on the ground having chest pain, but my biggest issue was breathing, I couldn’t seem to get my breath. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye that all changed.

I was still lying on the sidewalk all the pain was gone, breathing wasn’t even a thought. A wonderfully peaceful, serene indescribable feeling came over me. Now I did not see any lights or tunnels or anything like that. Now my ex was kneeling over me. What I did see was her face seemingly start to float away into the distance. I remember hearing her screaming at me to breathe but her voice was sort of echoy of something. Almost like it was coming through a steel drum or something. When I heard her voice I focused more on her fading face and when I did that suddenly boom. Her face seemed to come flying back at me and with it back came the pain and difficulty breathing.

How do I explain that, well I really can’t. Was I teetering on the doorway that separates the physical and spiritual worlds? I don’t know this for sure, but I do believe I was. In discussing it with her later I learned that each time she had screamed at me to breathe it was because I had stopped breathing.

With my usual reminder that I am not a doctor, nor a man of the clergy, I am just a man sharing his personal thoughts and beliefs.

What the dying experience will be like “according to Bill”.

As we approach our final days, hours, minutes will there be pain? That will be determined by the illness, disease or condition that has taken us to that point. Our physical body feels the pain of what ever disease or injury that has brought us to that point. Our physical bodies are merely that which “houses” our souls, our spirit during our time on this earth. We are spiritual beings and the very second our spirit leaves the physical “housing” all pain and suffer immediately ends. At this point we begin to experience the ultimate beautiful experience.

I believe there is a short “transition” period. It is during this time that people that have experience near death experience talk of floating through tunnels etc..  This short time I believe will be one of awe and wonderment.

I need a physical reference to enable me to visualize it in my mind. I see it almost a stepping through a doorway. A door way from one world to the next. The stepping through the door way is what I refer to as the transition period. The physical disease has led me to the open doorway. In my case it is my heart. I see myself standing in front of this open door. As I step forward, my first step puts my foot on the edge. Possible even just my toes extending to the other side. This is the time at which all physical pain will be gone and the journey begins. In this it is like I see myself moving in super slow motion as I take that step totally through. It may take a couple of minutes to get completely through. But, at this point time is irrelevant to me as I feel no pain just a wonderful feeling of peace and love. It is during this time that back in the physical world the doctors may be zapping my chest to restart the heart. I see this interference from the physical world as possibly disrupting an other wise beautiful experience. This is why I have signed a DNR.

OK, that is what I said way back then, has my thinking changed in any way? NO!!! If anything that belief is stronger within me than ever. I watched a TV show last night huh can’t remember what it was called. On it though it was said that there are many faiths and cultures around the world that do not fear death instead accepting it as a part of the natural cycle of life. The fear is found most prevalently in the western cultures. Now I have to wonder about that, why? Can you help me understand why that is?

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – From My arms to God”s Hands

I am not sure how many have checked the Hospice site listed on my blog roll, It is a wonderful wealth of information. Hospice is an organization designed to help patience of a terminal illness, their families, care givers and all around them. This is an article I copied directly from their site, full credit is given to them.

From Our Arms to God’s Hands

There comes a time to say good-bye. Letting go is one of the most powerful expressions of faith and greatest parting gifts you can offer your dying loved one. The words uttered allow you to give up control (and many hours of care giving), trusting instead in God’s love. Your words also offer your loved one the comfort of knowing that you trust in God so that he can draw strength from your faith and assurance.
Saying good-bye can be painful, but the pain is intensified if the process is entered with the illusion that moments after saying good-bye, your loved one will immediately die. Sometimes, the words first spoken do invite a relaxation response, but the final breath may be hours or even days later. More often, the act of saying good-bye is repeated in part, in different forms and by different people over and over. The repetition itself reminds your loved one of God’s steadfastness and the promise that God neither slumbers nor sleeps but keeps constant watch over us until the moment of death.
Helping your loved one move from your hands to God’s arms might include the following:

• Touch your loved one in a way that is comforting to your loved one (hold hands, rub her head, snuggle…). Let your physical presence be part of what nurtures a place of trust.
• Tell your loved one you love him. If he is unable to respond then answer for him. “And I believe you love me too.”
• Tell her that you feel God’s love in this place surrounding you and her. Let her know your trust is now in God. If you can express your experience of God’s love/presence then describe it to her. If it feels natural to you, you could use a scriptural image (i.e. God has the hairs on your head numbered, so I believe that God knows where you are and knows your name). Tell her that God will continue to support you after she is gone and that you will make it in the future with your faith in God and your belief that she is at peace with God.
• Forgive your loved one of any past estrangement/ behavior/words. If he is unable to respond then answer for him, “And I believe you forgive me too.”
• Give your loved one permission to let go. Again assure her that you trust the move from your loving hands into God’s loving arms. Offer words such as “God is here with me and you, let’s hold on to God now,” “God’s arms are open to you,” “I am here for you, and so is God.”

Remember you will likely repeat these acts in different forms many times. Hearing the words over and over creates a foundation of trust so that your loved one can feel secure in letting go. If visitors come and do not know what to say, suggest reading this page for guidance. Hearing permission from different people is reassuring to your dying loved one.

Dying Man’s Daily journal – Quality of life????

I do thank all for the good wishes both regarding Nellie and my head aches. I am happy to say that Nellie is at home and all in all is doing well. My head aces are much better. I still have them but the pain is only a fraction of what it was.

Something I have long known but am now being reminded of, Quality of life.  What is quality of life. I suppose it is the extent to which we are able to live our lives in a manner acceptable to  us, individually. There is no one acceptable norm here. What may be acceptable for me may not be for you or visa versa.

How do you rate the quality of your life? I hope many will respond please, I really would like to know as this is an issue I am struggling with.

Now I am guessing that many will reply: “It sucks because…..”, or I guess it is not bad but….”. This is were the “if only”s” can come to rule our worlds.

By what yard stick or measure do you determine the the quality of your life? I am guessing at this but I think many if they are honest will base the quality of life on their external surroundings. That being material possessions and people in our lives. Now let’s face it we all need money having or not having enough can affect the world around us. There are millions of examples I could use here. Let’s consider a house. Is your quality of life improved by living in a multi-million dollar mansion in a posh area of town as opposed to say living in a older much less expensive maybe even run down house in less poshy area. A house/mansion is nothing but a building, a home is where we settle our hearts irregardless of the material value of anything surrounding us in our worlds. Sure some material things are nice to have but that is as far as it goes. They do not affect our quality of life.. I got a little chuckle here thinking of material possessions, my music sound system is a clock radio and it suites me just fine. Our quality of life is determined by our own thoughts.

I ask all to think about this for a moment. For any that think “My life sucks because…….”. Think about this there are many that are dying and know it. Now that by itself sucks but imagine if the very best you can hope for is while being bed ridden you can be relatively pain free. Imagine being in their position. Does your life suddenly maybe sound not so bad after all?  Would you want to exchange you sucky life for theirs? Let me know what you think

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – The Value of our Time

I have often written of how I love to receive emails of all sorts. So very often the messages contain such wonderful messages. This is a message I received today, it really is something to think about. It came to me in an email not sure of its origins or due credit would be given.

Something To Think About! Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use. However, this prize had rules, just as any game has certain rules.

The first set of rules would be: Everything that you didnt ‘ t spend during each day would be taken away from you. You may not simply transfer money into some other account. You may only spend it. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day. The second set of rules: The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, It ‘ s over, the game is over! It can close the account and you will not receive a new one. What would you personally do? You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right? Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right? Even for people you don ‘ t know, because you couldn ‘ t possibly spend it all on yourself, right? You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?

ACTUALLY, this GAME is REALITY!

Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank.We just can ‘ t seem to see it. The MAGICAL BANK is TIME!

Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us. What we haven ‘ t lived up that day is forever lost.

Yesterday is forever gone.

Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time….WITHOUT WARNING.

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Aren ‘ t they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars? Think about that, and always think of this: Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

So take care of yourself, and enjoy life!

Heres wishing you a wonderfully beautiful day!!!

Dying Man’s Daily journal

I thank all for the loving support for Nellie, Vi and entire family.

I am happy to say Nellie has rallied to the point where the doctors have allowed her to go home, where she really wants to be. It is at the point where really nothing more can be done other than keep her comfortable.Doctors noted a mass on or in the lung and are quite sure it is cancer. The decision has been make not to even check it out as in her condition she could not tolerate any of the potential treatments. It is not causing her any pain or discomfort so just leave it alone.

Emotionally, Vi is really struggling with all of this, well as is the entire family. Vi is as always struggling to deal with my health issues, now compound that with the pending loss of her mother is a heavey burden. I ask for prayers please.

I am on a real learning curve here. How many times have I said I believe it is harder on the families. Everything I see going on around me just solidifies that idea more and more in my head. The frustration of seeing a loved one suffering and just standing helplessly by wanting to do something anything. Knowing there is nothing you can do or say that will make any difference. Frustration, even anger can mistakenly be directed at the hospital staff because of their inability to at least make things better.

Be clear none of my thoughts here or comments are to be seen as being directed at the family. i know that each individual grieves in their own way, irregardless of who they are.

In a situation like this it seems avoidance is a big issue. “I know what is going on but i just don’t want to even think about it, even the thought of this loss is just too painful”

I have a lot more to say but is seems just staring at the computer screen, with its bright light has brought on one of the head aches I am still fighting