Dying man’s Daily Journal _ Prayers for my family Please

January 31, 2013

I am asking please for prayers for Vi and my entire family.

I am not sure if strange is the right word or maybe it is more complacent. We have all known for years my heart isn’t in the best shape and that my time was limited. Yet some how I have managed to keep plugging away day after day become month after month and then year after year. I am not sure how to word this. It is almost like, yes, we know the reality of the situation. Initially something like this is foremost on you mind, front and center. I am not sure does this make sense. I think it is a human coping mechanism, all those years back when I first heard the dying words, I think we all grappled with it, struggled with it and came to a level of acceptance. Those thoughts were at that time front and center in our minds. As time began to pass and well putting it bluntly, I didn’t die. Those thoughts in our minds were pushed a little to the side. As more time passed, thoughts began to be pushed further and further to the back of our minds. It is there that they take on an all most surreal quality.

Short post just to let all know I am fine, just tired.

Had a short break there for a phone call. Don and I have been friends since way back in the high school days. High school, in some ways that seems like it was forever ago and in others that it was not long ago at all. Where did the years go?

OK. In the call Don had me laughing out loud. He said words to the effect: “since maybe you don’t have that many posts to go, you should take this time to share your greatest wisdom.”

I had to laugh, “my greatest wisdom”. I have never professed to have any wisdom and wouldn’t know what to write. Hey, maybe tomorrow I will put up a post containing all my wisdom. I think though that it will not surprisingly be a blank page. lol

I am reading and appreciating all the wonderful comments. I will be trying to get to reply.

Again I ask for PRAYERS please

Dying man’s Daily Journal – don’t count me out yet

January 30, 2013

It is so very heart warming, gratifying and even humbling reading to so kind loving comments left on my last post. I sit here thinking back to when I originally started this blog. It was my intent my hope to try to be able to help people. By journalling my journey, it was my hope that maybe I could help someone/anyone in my situation or possibly the families. I had no idea the blog would grow as it as, no idea of the wonderful people I would meet on this journey. I set out with the idea that maybe I could help others. I wasn’t even sure how or even how this blogging thing worked. But, with good intentions in mind I just jumped right in and started to ramble.

As I think about it, circumstances back then were not totally different than they are now. I started the blog at the end of Sept. and at that time based on what the doctors told me, I really did not believe I would see Christmas of that year and that was back in 2006 and here I am still rambling away. Back then had been the only time a doctor ever actually gave any sort of guestimate as to a time frame of how long I had. Well I guess I proved him wrong and here we are again with the doctors. This time it is two of them with both saying anytime now or at least very soon.

I guess when it comes down to it there are 3 different “time frames” involved here. Doctor’s opinion, time frame is short. My opinion, time frame is longer. Then there is God’s time frame which we all know is the one that counts in all of this.

I truly am a blessed man and I know and do appreciate it. That is some thing I have come to realize. We all do have so many blessings in our lives. It is just that somehow we don’t even see them and appreciate for what they are. That is so very sad. i have been blessed with a wonderful family, each of whom I love so very much.

I have been blessed with this blog and all the wonderful people I have met here. Your prayers, your comment filled with loving support have helped me more than you can know. I am both proud and honored to have you all as my friends, my family.

Now, though don’t be counting me out yet. The way I see it, I still have a of living to do.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Nearing the end

January 29, 2013

I want to thank my good blogging friends that responded to my last post. It was a touchy subject and it did take both courage and strength to reply, I will be responding to each individual reply.

Yes those questions were raised by others but I am at the point where those issues apply to and are weighing on me. I have been seeing various specialists in the past months and there are still more tests coming. All of these specialists send their reports to my doctor who I suppose then puts it all together to make up the big picture of my health.

He says it will take nothing short of Devine Intervention to keep me going much longer. He stated that I have had a good 10 years beyond expected but all things must come to an end eventually and for me that time is now or at least soon. I asked what he meant by soon. His reply any day now. I have been hearing this sort of thing for that 10 years now. Yet, some how every time I hear it from a doctor it still sets me back on my heels. For years i have been able to say that only once has a doctor given me any sort of time frame. They usually just dance around the issue and never really end up telling you anything. Well things are changing as this is now 2 doctors within the last couple of months that have said the time is now or very shortly. Now don’t you just hate to hear your doctor tell you that.

Well what can I do? I still have life to be lived and enjoyed. I usually allow myself a day or two to get my head wrapped around this sort of thing. This time i am not sure I have the luxury of that day or two.

I know I will be called home in God’s time not my time and not the doctor’s time.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Who decides quality of life

January 25, 2013

For Canadians I think one of our favorite topics of conversation is the weather. I think that deep down inside we sort of pride ourselves on what a hearty lot we are, we don’t come out and say it but i do think that feeling sort of a pride in ourselves is there. Cold weather generally doesn’t really interfer to much in daily life, we dress for it. I think maybe I am becoming a “wimpy” Canadian. We are in a cold snap  right now and the temps are in the -30’s and 40’s, take the wind chill into account and some places are feeling the -50’s. It slows things down, we complain but carry on with regular life. Well most of us do. I am finding this cold is really affecting my breathing. Even the short walk from the car to the house about 50 feet and I am panting and gasping. Hey, that is a good excuse to just hibernate in the house and that is what I am doing.

Over the past week or so I have had some very thought provoking messages via email. I am mulling them over in my mind.

I will likely be posting on them once I have really got my head wrapped around the ideas and decide what I think about the issues. I am going to just sort of put them out there and ask for feed back:

1. Science has made tremendous advances, break throughs in the field of medicine. Personally I am very grateful for this, if not for these advances I would not be here today. Question is, have we made as many break through in regard to ensuring quality of life? I know then we get into the whole discussion about who or what determines quality of life which of course is an individual decision. Generally, people do not want to die, myself included in that. Are we ever learning to extend life beyond the point of any acceptable quality being there? I don’t know, what do you think?

2. This one is from a gentleman, who know he is nearing his end and this ties in closely with the first question. Hey, I know you are going to be reading this and I hope we can get some thoughts for you, beyond my own. He has no religious beliefs so his comment is not based on the teachings of any church but more on treating people humanely: “Animals are treated in a more humane manner than are humans. If we see a dog suffering greatly and know there is no hope for a recovery. What do we do? We put the animal to sleep to end its suffering. If you happen to be a person you are not afforded that same humane treatment. No we are forced to sit here endlessly with nothing to look forward to but more pain and suffering. You Christians claim only God can determine when it is we are to die. We should do nothing to speed up that process, suicide. OK, then answer me this, if only God can determine when we are to die, why is it alright for doctors to interfere with what may be God’s will and keep me here? Again I ask for comments please.

There is one more but I think I will just hold off on that. There is already enough here to digest.

Dying man’s Daily Journal One of my favorites

January 23, 2013

Not feeling so spry today with my wonkie head and am as I often do, copying and posting a wonderful email I received. The message is so clear and so important. I am not sure of the origins of the message or I would certainly give due credit.

3900 Saturdays

The older I get, the  more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s  the quiet solitude that comes with being  the  first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first  few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.  A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What  began  as a typical Saturday morning turned  into one of those lessons that life seems to  hand you from time to time. Let me tell you  about it: I turned the dial up into the phone  portion of  the band on my ham radio in order  to listen to  a Saturday morning swap net.  Along the way, I came across an older sounding  chap, with a  tremendous signal and a golden  voice. You know the kind;  he sounded like he  should be in the broadcasting business.  He was  telling whomever he was talking with something about  “a thousand marbles.” I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.

“Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with  your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame  you  have to be away from home and your family  so much. Hard to believe  a young fellow should  have to work sixty or seventy hours a week  to  make ends meet. It’s too bad you missed your daughter’s  “dance recital” he continued. “Let me tell you something that  has helped me keep my own priorities.” And that’s when  he began to  explain his theory of a “thousand  marbles.”

“You see, I sat down one day and did  a little arithmetic.  The average person lives  about seventy-five years. I know,  some live  more and some live less, but on average, folks live  about seventy-five years.  “Now then,  I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came  up with  3900, which is the number of Saturdays that   the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting   to the important part. It took me until I was  fifty-five years old to  think about all this  in any detail”, he went on,  “and by that time  I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred  Saturdays.” “I got to  thinking that if I lived  to be seventy-five, I  only had about a  thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a  toy store and bought every single  marble they  had. I ended up having to visit  three toy  stores to round up 1000 marbles I  took them  home and put them inside a large,  clear  plastic container right here in the shack  next  to my gear.”

“Every Saturday since then, I  have taken one  marble out and thrown it away.  I found that by watching the marbles diminish,  I focused more on the really important things  in life.  There’s nothing like watching your  time here on this earth run out to help get  your priorities straight.”

“Now let me tell  you one last thing before I sign  off with you  and take my lovely wife out for breakfast.   This morning, I took the very last marble out  of the container. I figure that if I  make it  until next Saturday then I have been  given a  little extra time.. And the one thing we can  all use is a little more time.”

“It was nice  to meet you Tom, I hope you spend  more time  with your family, and I hope to meet  you again  here on the band This is a 75 Year old Man,  , clear and going , good morning!”

You  could have heard a pin drop on the band  when  this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us  all  a lot to think about. I had planned to work  on  the antenna that morning, and then I was  going  to meet up with a few hams to work on  the next  club newsletter.

Instead, I went upstairs and  woke my wife up  with a kiss. “C’mon honey, I’m  taking you and  the kids to breakfast.” “What  brought this on?”  she asked with a smile “Oh,  nothing special, it’s  just been a long time  since we spent a Saturday  together with the  kids. And hey, can we stop at  a toy store  while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – wonders of blogging

January 21, 2013

I just read a comment by our blogging friend Hilary. She commented on the joys and benefits of blogging. I am so in agreement with what she said. This blog has been such a blessing to/for me. I have learned so much, grown so much as a person. It truly has helped keep me going. many a day it has been reason I have dragged my lazy butt out of bed.
Wanting to see who has written in and what they had to say.

Over the course of time I have been blessed to meet so many people. some just pop in for a short visit and are gone. I can only hope they found at least some small thing that may have provided comfort or what ever they needed at the time. Others hang around our little community here for a little longer before going on their way. Then there are those that continue to return and have come to make up our little blogging family. You can’t imagine how much you all mean to me.

People have shared stories that I believe are truly inspirational. Many have shared thoughts and feelings, provided loving support for any and all that have come here in need of support. I am so proud of and grateful to every one that has played a part in making the blog what it is. I am just stunned over 400,000 hits and read in 145 different countries. i really am at a lose for words.

Now has this always been easy? No it hasn’t! People have shared their inner most thoughts and feelings in times of great sorrow, pain and grief. I try my best to respond to those comments as best I can. I am not a doctor, therapist or man of the clergy, I am just plain old me. What is the best way to reply to those comments? I don’t know. your best is all that you can do adn that is what I try to give each comment. Most of those pain filled comments I try to follow up with an email. many of those result in regular correspondence back and forth. It seems many, and I can understand why, are more comfortable talking one on one as opposed to over the blog for all to see. Any email chat NEVER gets to the blog.

It may be asked, well if it is hard, why do you do it? To try to help people, if I can even temporarily ease their burden even for just a few moments then it is all worth it.

I am not sure how to word this. Some how it is like I feel honored that people would share those deepest thoughts and feelings with me/us. As we are nearing our end time takes on a while new meaning. It becomes so very much more precious to us. When someone realizes the value of that precious time, how can you not feel honored that they would choose to spend some of it with you.

I could ramble on in my usual “Bill” style but I am just to tired today, maybe later.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Inspirational people

January 20, 2013

I am just sitting here and it is hard to describe what I am feeling. Blessed,  inspired, happy, grateful…..  That list could go on and on but I think it is enough to give the idea of how I am feeling.

On a personal not first I wish to thank Mark, way over there in England for all the hard work he is putting into tracking down all the family members. Thank you Mark, I appreciate as I do know do many others.

I really hope all do read the comments left here on the blog. If you limit yourself to my ramblings you are truly missing out. In the last bit there have been some truly wonderful and inspiring stories shared. I am left humbled and in awe, speechless.

Our human spirit we have sources of strength within us we are not even aware of. In times of crisis we can at times seem to tap into that energy source and accomplish things far beyond can be imagined.

This blog has been such a blessing to me. Through it I have met so many inspirational and heroic people. I thank all that share your stories with me, you are that blessing.

Through out the blog there are hundreds and hundreds of amazing people. Just to give a small example please go back to my last post. Read the comments and tell me you are not in awe.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Refocused thinking

January 17, 2013

I am not sure if it is just me, maybe my current mind set or if this applies to many, I don’t know.

With a lot of deep thought and from helpful comments here, I have realized that by struggling with my physical limitations, I am really struggling with my life. As with all of life we need to find that balance between not doing enough and over doing it.
Accepting though certainly doesn’t mean giving up. I will be pushing every one of those boundaries until my final breath. I get frustrated when it takes me a week to get a job done that a few years ago would have maybe taken an hour or two. If I allow it feelings of being useless can dominate my thought process and that is not a good feeling to have. It makes you want to just give up on it all. Can anyone relate to this feeling? I do know that towards the end my mother-in-law Nellie expressed those very thoughts, so I do know I am not totally alone.

Now there have been a few comments of late about how quickly I seem to be able to bounce back from a low time. I have been thinking a lot about that as somehow within my own mind I don’t seem to feel I do bounce back as it must seem. Oh, I am much much better than I was way back when.

As i think about it, I realize what I am doing, I am refocusing my thinking on something else. Now that doesn’t mean I am necessarily “over” it or have bounced back entirely. Most of my issues come with ever decreasing physical limitation. It sucks when I realize I can’t do something that I could just a few months back. That bothers me, I become frustrated, impatient and somehow even disappointed in myself. Crazy I know but that is how I feel at that time. With time and practice I am better able to see and accept that what ever that particular issue is, it is actually but one small part of my life, the big picture. I can’t allow myself to wallow for to long. Firstly, if I allow myself to say there for to long I am afraid I may get stuck there. Most importantly, I realize, my time here is short and becoming shorter by the day My/our time is so precious I don’t want to waste any of it.

I know I need to refocus my thoughts. It is sort of like OK, I can;t do that any more and that does suck but let’s see, hey I can do this or that. I focus in on my new task/goal or what ever which is usually living a good life. Yes, those feelings of frustration or what ever do continue to haunt me in the days ahead even though I may appear to have bounced back. Daily it seems I have to give it at least some thought but then I make a very conscious effort to actually push those thoughts away with my refocused mind.

I have just sat here rambling, does any of this make sense at all?

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – More blog blessings

January 16, 2013

I have to say I am pretty excited. It would appear I am going to be able to establish contact with  my mother’s side of my family. There is a long story, behind how we lost contact, much of which I don’t know or care about. Finally connecting is what is important . Strike off one more on the bucket list. This blog has truly blesses me in so very many ways. Here is but one more.  I had planned on writing much more today. I didn’t  have a restful night and need my nap. Hope to post more later

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Recongnizing quality of life

January 15, 2013

I didn’t get to the computer yesterday, to say I am feeling sick is an over statement. It is more just not feeling well, just off. I have read each of the wonderful comments I am grateful for each one and will be trying to get to respond to each in turn.

Went for blood work this morning. I am on what I am told is a high dose of blood thinners. Lab tech knows this and commented the blood would likely just geyser out. Obviously it came out but at an extremely low speed. He just said that is extremely surprising. Huh, don’t know what that means, likely nothing.

I saw in the comments mention of my positive attitude for which I do thank you. A positive attitude is very important and something I do work to maintain. When I say “work” to maintain I do mean work. I have my times when I really so struggle with maintaining it or often it would be better said regaining it. One of if not the most important thing I have learned on this journey is that we would all like to enjoy life,live it. i look back over my life and shake my head with sadness as I remember the times, I allowed myself to get bogged down in the day-to-day happenings. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Does it make sense it I say I now see the forest and just try to brush a few trees aside. Those trees that block my temporarily block my view. Notice, I said the trees that temporarily block my view.

I think of life as a journey. We all travel down the highway of life, our paths may be different but the ultimate destination is the say. As with any journey we are traveling forward. As with being on a high way we will at time encounter things that block our view maybe to the extent of being annoying. on a regular highway we quickly move past the things that block our view as it is with traveling the highway of life. We move past issues, sometimes in spite of ourselves we move on. We move past issues that sometimes we will even look back on and laugh wondering why we even bothered getting so upset.

I some how got on a ramble there and wonder if that make sense.

Am I trying to say I can just brush aside each and every little issue that may arise. Oh, I wish that were the case. Hey, I am just a regular guy and issues can hit me that send me into a tail spin. What I am learning and am becoming better at learning to prioritize things. Brush aside the trivial and see the others as but one tree in my forest of live. One tree does not a forest make. I have issues but they do not define the quality of my life. Am I able to live the life I would like to be able to? NO, but that doesn’t mean my life can’t be good and it is