Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Understand before acting

January 30, 2009

I am feeling pretty good today. I was up really early yesterday morning and badly needed my nap. OK, does 9 hours still count as a nap or what? Did that cause me any problems sleeping last night, nope. None at all. I have my new CPAP machine and it seems to be working wonders based one one day so far.

I am asking for help please. I recieved the following comment over night:  “первое не понял продвижение сайтов в интернете”. I have no idea as to what it is saying, can anyone please translate for me?

Possibly it is spam, possibly it is vulgar, but also possibly it is a legitimate message from some one speaking a different language. I welcome comments from all irregardless of language, faith, culture of anything else. Just because it is something I don’t understand doesn’t make me in anyway assume it is bad. I need to know it’s meaning before I can draw any conclusions. So, anyone help please.

As I am sitting here thinking I realize how easy it is to in fact jump to conclusions. Why is it so often that when we do this, it seems the conclusions we jump to are in some way negative based. We can see or hear a very small part of a circumstance but yet we feel we “know” what is going on and what we “know” is going on is of a negative nature.

I am not sure where it was but a short while ago I read the story of a paniced young father. Now there is this young couple with a 1 year old baby. Now this previously healthy baby suddenly began having some sort of a seizure. Long story short an ambulance was called and the child rushed to the hospital. The wife (mother) rode in the ambulance, while the father frantically followed in their car. Both parents are beside themselves with fear not knowing what was happening to their precious daughter, very understandable. Now it is rush hour traffic but everyone is doing a pretty good job of clearing the way for the ambulance. The fear filled, paniced father is doing his best to keep up with and stay right behind the ambulance wanting to be at the hospital asap. He stayed right behind the ambulance and was taking advantage of the way the ambulance was clearing traffic. I would do the same. This driving arrangement seemed to be working well, until he states someone he felt intentionally cut him off and he became trapped in traffic. He eventually made it to the hospital and the daughter is fine but undergoing a lot of tests. I thought how sad someone would intentionally cut him off in traffic, but realistically this person likely had no idea as to the circumstances, if in fact the act was intentional. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt unless proven otherwise.

As I read this though, it brought to mind something I had heard on a radio station call in program. Now, keep in mind I have no idea whether the two situations are related in anyway, as I have no idea where the father describing the ambulance incident lives. But maybe, who knows.

Anyway, a guy phoned in to partially complain about drivers and to brag about something he had done. His story went something to the effect. He was stuck in traffic and heard an ambulance coming, naturally traffic cleared as best it could to allow it through. He stated he could see some other driver taking advantage of the ambulance clearing traffic and was following it through. Now he “knew” this was some jerk just taking advantage of the situation and would have nothing to do with that. He was seemingly bragging about how he eased his car over far enough to stop this vehicle following the ambulance. Huh, what to say to that? The conclusion was jumped to that this car following the ambulance was just some jerk trying to get ahead in traffic and indeed maybe that was the case. I don’t know. No one knows other than the driver of the car in hot pursuit of the ambulance.

How about if we all try to be a little more tolerant with others. Be it in traffic or anywhere in our lives. Every single person is fighting their own battles in this life. We don’t know what those other battles are that may in fact be causing a person to act the way they do.

We know that basically all people are good and are just trying their best to get their days in the best way they can. Let’s cut others some slack and not assume anything. We can never really “know” anything until all the facts are in. Even then, how can we ever “know” what is right for others.

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Dying Man’s Daily Journal – CPAP/ sleep apnea

January 29, 2009

I am up kind of early today, 2:50am. Every once in a while I wake up with this choking sensation, unable to breath. It has happened often enough that I know all I have to do is sit up and it will clear. Now my awake mind knows that but it seems my sleeping mind forgets it. Wake up choking unable to breath and it gives you a bit of an adrenaline rush or at least it does for me. I can’t just immediately lie down and go back to sleep. So here I am poking away in the middle of the night. Soon I will be hearing my pillow calling my name and back I will go.

Actually, I am all excited I get to go and pick up my new CPAP machine today. Being memory guy, I don’t think I have written too much about my sleep apnea.

First off, what is sleep apnea (according to Bill). It is a condition that literally causes you to stop breathing while sleeping. Usually, this is only for a few seconds but the time can vary. There are sleep clinics that diagose you with this. You spend a night there hooked to gaugets that monitor you sleep. I am pretty sure it was 79 times that I stopped breathing over a 5 hour period. I do remember for sure them telling me the longest period was for 79 seconds. That is a long time, I have tried holding my breath for that long and just can’t do it.

Obviously, when you stop breathing your body is deprived of oxygen which is not a good thing. I have been told being deprived of oxygen can kill off brain cells. I know I started off with billions of brain cells but I am pretty sure now I am down to about my last 4 brain cells and I am guarding them carefully.

Anyway, to treat this I wear a full mask. It is sort of comparable to the masks you see pilots wear in the movies. Through a hose the mask is connected to the CPAP (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) machine, basically a sophisticate fan that blows air, through the hose and mask and directly on to your face constantly all night long. I don’t know how they calculate the pressure that you need to be coming out of the machine. I do know that it feels like what must relate to a 70 mile/hour wind. Actually, I googled that trying to find the comparable wind speed but couldn’t find it. Maybe someone can tell me.

Now I found something disturbing while doing the google seach and reading up on this. Somewhere I read that about 20% of people give up on their machines and don’t use them. Why? Because it is too hard to get used to the pressure of the air on your face.

If you are indeed not using your machine for that or any reason, I strongly urge you to do so. It just takes a little time to get used to the feeling of the wind in your face. My pressure setting is almost as high as it can be set and I have become so accustomed to it I no longer even feel it. Granted at the start it can be uncomfortable, it can feel almost difficult in exhale with the constant pressure. Give it a little time and it will soon be the norm and feel just fine. Hey, the pressure even has a ramp feature on it. The pressure starts off lightly and slowly builds. What can I say this is a life saving devise use it.

OK, now 5:20 and back to bed


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Life Lessons

January 28, 2009

I love receiving email. There are times when such a message contains such wisdom that I just have to share it. Here is the content of a message I receive today.

Many of you, as I, will have seen this before . . . but it was great reminder for today!

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry

13. Don’t compare your life to others’.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’ t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to  wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25.  No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words:  ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative–dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a  gift.


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Ranting turned to gratitude

January 28, 2009

I wish to sincerely thank all that have offered prayers of support as I requested in my last post. I do know they are a benefit and a comfort to all that receive them, I do thank all. Please continue.

I am happy to say I have extabilished email contact with Alejandro, I do hope we will become good email friends and can mutually support and help each other through this time.

I read something in the newspaper today that has me in a real ranting mood. The article touched near and dear to my heart. Doctors refusing to treat certain patients.

Now let me be clear I am NOT including all doctors in this rant. In fact I currently have the most wonderful medical team of doctors anyone could ever hope for. I am truly blessed to have them, I just do not have enough good words to say about them. It is time I recognized and acknowledged them for the wonderful people and job they do. My family doctor, Dr. Choptiany. My cardiologist, Dr. Phillipp. The wonderful doctors, nurses and staff at the Heart Failure Clinic. My neurologist, Dr Aga Khani. Dr. Corn, my sleep (CPAP) doctor. All of the various doctors that have treated me in the past all so wonderful. I have no words to describe my gratitude to each and everyone of them.

My gratitude goes far beyond the doctors, to the nurses. I have been hospitalized over the years more times than I care to or even can remember. How do I thank the Earth Angels that we call nurses all so wonderful, we are truly blessed and so lucky to have them among us.

There are the aides, the support staff all of whom are essential to the running of the hospital. I thank all.

I have just been sitting here thinking for a few minutes. I really started this post intending to rant about doctors refusing certain patients. I can relate to the story in that I have myself  been refused by certain doctors as I am too ill and would be to time consuming. I though though first I should acknowledge and thank the medical professionals I do have treating me. All are so wonderful none would deserve to be included in my rant and I wanted to be clear they were excluded.

Somehow by acknowledging the good, the wonderful I was counting my blessing or which I have many. It has sort of taken the fizzle right out of my rant and left me feeling nothing but gratitude.

I have to wonder how many time this would have worked for myself and others in different situations. Talking yourself right out of being upset and into a feeling of gratitude when blessings are counted. I have to wonder. Has this, or could this happen to you?


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Prayers please

January 25, 2009

Over the years I am not sure how many times I heard things such as: “if you have your health you have everything” or ” your health is the most important thing”. I am sure everyone has heard these words or ones like them. I look back into the past and realize that when I heard them, my thoughts ran to something like: “yeah, yeah that’s right but right now I have much bigger issues to deal with in my regular day to day life.” Back then I was healthy and thought of myself as being strong and tough and really paid no heed to those words. I had more important issues to deal with job, mortgage payments etc.. I seemed to spend my life caught up in the moment. Dealing with the “Important” issues of the time. Everyone has busy lives and it is so easy to loose sight of the big picture of life, absorbed instead in the happenings of the day or even just the moment. I can look back and now realize how sad that really is. We are living a life not a moment, a day or a week we are live a life, that hopefully spans many many years. We in fact take it for granted that it will indeed span many many years. Those years, that future being taken for granted may never come about. I hope any that may read this may be just mindful of that fact. Never take anything for granted, not the people in your lives and not your health.

I am making 3 special prayer requests today.

I have received a prayer request from Serendiptiy Hopeful. The request if for prayers for a young lady, Vivian. Vivian is a yound lady in Northern Ireland suffering from an undiagosed illness. She has a husband and 3 small children. All are suffering greatly as this unknown disease ravages her body. Prayers please and also please visit the site and leave even a short comment of support.

The second prayer request is for Alejandro. He has left us this very touching and painful message, sharing what he is going through right now. I ask please for both prayers for Alejandro and messages of support.

“Alejandro Valdes Says:
January 23, 2009 at 12:55 pm edit

I am 38 years old, single, no kids and dying of male breast cancer that has spread to my organs. I don’t know if I’ll make it through the year. I’m so sad that I will not be able to realize many of my dreams. I haven’t told anybody in my family of my illness because my mother was sick for over 2 years before she passed and many people in my family were put through a lot, including myself. I don’t want anybody to feel sorry for me, and I don’t want anybody to go through any pain because of my situation. I’ve accepted the fact that I will not be around for long, but I’m terrified of suffering. Although I am surrounded by people, I always feel alone. I often find confort in the hopes that god does really exist, and that there is something in store after I leave this world. I know everyone is dying, but I would have preffered not to know it was coming. I thank god for everything in my life and appreciate every breath. Many people dont have the privelege to live the life i’ve lived. Like somebody said in a previous comment, children die everyday. But after all of this , I battle fear and lonliness on a consistent basis.”

Sometimes bad things happen to good people, people of all ages. Prayers and support please.

My final prayer request is for a general overall prayer for every single person in this world. Everyone is fighting their own battles of some sort. May our prayers ease the burdens of many.

A dear friend Martha left this request:

Hey Bill,
I shall think of them all.

Can we add a special 11 year old to the list. She has taken ill and we don’t know what ailes her. We are waiting for the third paed consult tomorrow.

Again Prayers please


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Elect me king of the world

January 22, 2009

Saw my cardiologist yesterday. Everything is going “well” no changes to medications or anything until there is another incident. The medications they have available today is amazing. That is as long as you take the correct amounts etc.. In this area I really do my very best.

I have a lot of time these days to sit and think. Now that in itself can be a mixed blessing. When you have the luxury of this time, it can be so very easy to allow your thoughts to waunder and stay on the negatives or things that we precieve as negatives in our lives at the time. OK, it is important at times to really think about this sort of stuff but not to dwell on it, if you know what I mean. If our minds are going to dwell on anything, let’s make it on the positive things in our lives. I don’t care who you are or what your circumstances may be, there are many positives in your life. Sometimes granted it seems we have to look for them, but they are there. I have a challenge for everyone. Tonight as you lay in bed, before you go to sleep search your mind to find a positive in your life. No matter how big or small it may be recognize it as a positive, take a moment to be grateful for it, appreciate you are indeed lucky to have it. Every night search your mind for one more thing. In time you can see you are in fact surrounded by them.  I know I have many many things to be grateful for, positives in my life.

I spend a lot of my thinking time, “solving the problems of the world”. Now this is important stuff for me to figure out, should I ever be elected “King of the World”  lol. It would be good to know how to deal with all of this. This is all kind of strange in that the more I read, the more I ponder and meditate, the more I realize I don’t know. Huh, maybe I am moving backwards in this whole process.

I am realizing that there is very little in life that is just straight forward, cut and dry. Very few things are as plain as black and white, there are all sorts of shades of gray mixed in with this all. I am finding there are fewer and fewer issues in life that I am solidly on one side or the other. I am finding myself in that gray zone seeing validity to both sides of most arguments. Now, I am not talking about things like murder or rape or anything like that, I am talking more about life issues. Every coin has 2 sides to it. On both sides you will always have the extremists that believe their way is the only way. But, really how much of life is that cut and dry. Aren’t there always the “yeah, but what if….. scenarios”. You know the exceptions to the rule. The exceptions where suddenly we find ourselves saying: “well maybe given this situation it might be alright this time, but just this once.” I think these are likely the times when the “situtuation” affects directly on us or one of our own. Are we less likely to see there could be exceptions when the “situation” involves other and has nothing to do with ourselves. Hmm think about it!!

Let me give an example of what I may ponder on. Hey, maybe I will throw these out there more often and get feed back. OK, this issue, I have my strong views and I do lean to one side of the issue but am still a little  in the gray zone. I am looking for feed back and I will share my own thoughts in a few days. This is something I have been thinking about but it again brought to mind by a blog I saw when signing on to wordpress this morning.

I am going to try to present both sides of the coin as best I can. Huh, I have been sitting here trying to come up with wording. I am not a writer but a rambler. I realize I can’t really represent one side of the story. It is about abortion right or wrong? I don’t think I really need to present both sides of the coin, I think all know them already. As I have said I already have my own thoughts on this and will share them in a day or two. I ask you some of the questions on which I have thought.

1. Should a woman not have the right to determine what happens to her own body?

2. Life, is a God given gift, what give us as humans the right to decide whether or not a baby should live?

3. Is the situation that cut and dry or can there be exceptions to any rule?

4. Many say abortion is an option if the mothers life is in jeopardy. Who determines what level of jeopardy that warrantees and abortion. How is the mother’s live given priority over the babies?

5. Many claim abortion is murder and even that the doctors that preform them should be charged with murder. OK, if it is murder then shouldn’t the mothers be charged with something also as it was them that instigated the whole situation?

Do any of the above thoughts reflect my feelings, not at all. Just thoughts that come to mind as I ponder. When I do this, I try my best to look at both sides of the coin to see which side I am on. What do you think


Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Earth Angels/everyone of YOU

January 21, 2009

Off to see my cardiologist today. Nothing of concern just me regular check in with him. A few new issues to discuss but nothing really big, I don’t think.

I have shared emails in the past. The special messages I receive so often touch my heart as did this one. Often I have requested people do simple acts of kindness and have spoken of the wonderful feeling that can provide. This message describes that very thing but in words better than any I can find. Always remember, “sometimes all the Heaven Angels are busy so God at times may use regular people to do his work”


This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):



I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college  degree.



The last  class I had to take was Sociology.



The teacher  was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human  being had been graced with.





Her last  project of the term was called, ‘Smile.’





The class was  asked to go out and smile at three people and document their  reactions.





I am a very  friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway. So, I  thought this would be a piece of cake,

literally.



Soon after we  were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to  McDonald’s one crisp March morning.



It was just  our way of sharing special playtime with our son.



We were  standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone  around us began to back away, and then
even my  husband did.



I did not  move an inch … an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me  as I turned to see why they had moved.



As I turned   around I smelled a horrible ‘dirty body’ smell, and there standing  behind me were two poor homeless men.



As I looked  down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was  ‘smiling’



His beautiful  sky blue eyes were full of God’s Light as he searched for  acceptance.



He said,  ‘Good day’ as he counted the few coins he had been  clutching.



The second  man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the  second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his  salvation.



I held my tears as I stood there  with them.



The young lady at the counter  asked him what they wanted.



He said, ‘Coffee is all Miss’  because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the  restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be  warm).



Then I really felt it – the  compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man  w with the blue eyes.

That is when I noticed all eyes in the

restaurant were set on me, judging

my every action.



I smiled and asked the young lady  behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate  tray.



I then walked around the corner to  the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on  the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman’s cold  hand.



He looked up at me, with tears in  his eyes, and said, ‘Thank you.’



I leaned over, began to pat his  hand and said, ‘I did not do this for you. God is here working through  me to give you hope.’



I started to cry as I walked away  to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and  said, ‘That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me; hope..’



We held hands for a moment and at  that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given  were we able to give.



We are not church goers, but we  are believers.



That day showed me the pure Light  of God’s sweet love. < BR>


I returned to college, on the last  evening of class, with this story in hand.



I turned in ‘my project’ and the  instructor read it.



Then she looked up at me and said,  ‘Can I share this?’



I slowly nodded as she got the  attention of the class.



She began to read and that is when  I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to  heal people and to be healed.



In my own way I had touched the  people at McDonald’s, my son, the instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a  college student.



I graduated with one of the  biggest lessons I would ever learn:



UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.



Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to



LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS –

NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.



There is an Angel sent to watch over you.



In order for her to work, you must pass this on to the people you want watched over.



An Angel wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart



To handle yourself, use your head.

To handle others, use your heart.





God Gives every bird it’s food, but He does not throw it into its nest.



Send it back, you’ll see why!







A box of gold

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



With a secret inside



that has never been  told



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



This box is priceless



but as I  see
< BR>


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



The treasure inside is



precious to me



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Today I share this



treasure with  thee



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



It’s the treasure of

friendship you’ve

given me.