Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Deal with Life

July 30, 2013

The thought has come to mind. Some of my posts deal with death, dying, terrible illnesses…. We have to face it, that is a real part of life that eventually will affect us all.

I realize that depending on my mood or thoughts and feelings of the moment some of my posts may not sound all that upbeat or positive. Well they reflect my feelings of the moment. There are times when the circumstances of life just suck. What is important to me is to somehow internally acknowledge yeah this sucks, I don’t like, so what am I going to do about it. If there actually is something I can do about. Do it, deal with it now and get this monkey off my back. I don’t like having something hanging over my head. Why does it seem that all to often we will have some issue, likely something unpleasant that we know that sooner or later we will have to deal with. How often to we put that off until something forces the issue and we have to deal with it. In the mean while how much fretting, worry and dread have we put our selves through. How much enjoyment of life have we deprived our selves of. Deal with and for me the sooner the better.
For all of us, so often in live things happen over which we just have no control, medical issues for but one example. There is just nothing we can do. What do we do then? Deal with it.
Many times in life we just have to come to terms with, accept that things are just not going to go our way. We don’t always get what we want. The sooner we can come to terms with that fact of life the easier we make it on ourselves. Don’t act the spoiled brat think about it this way. What are most arguments? Two people at odds with each wanting to get their own way. Hold that thought.
For some getting their way means waking up in the morning. For some it means beating cancer or some other horrible disease. If you can’t beat it then at least getting a few extra days or weeks. Does that put things a little more into my perspective. If you are in a situation such as this what can you do? Deal with. Learn to live with with your circumstances. Live life to the best you can

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – congratulations Ryan and Allison

July 28, 2013

Today is a very happy day in the Howdle family. Family weddings are wonderful occasions.
I have written of my cousin Joe. Well it is his son Ryan that is tying the knot. I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Allison, but I have heard nothing but good things about her. Allison, I do look forward to meeting you.

My wish to you both on this your so special day: “may the very worst day in your future, be better than the very best day in your past”. I pray you have long healthy years of love and happiness in your future.

My daughter Billie and family are in attendance and have emailed me a couple of wedding pictures, beautiful is all I can say.

This wedding is so special, it is being celebrated in two different locations about 2,000 miles (3,200km) apart.

Now Joe would do virtually anything to be at his son’s wedding. Recent medical developments have made that impossible. It is a given he would be there in spirit they have taken it beyond that. Using face time on the IPod he is there to see and share in it all. Blessings and happiness to all. I stand corrected as I have learned my dear aunt Isabel with cousin Carol also attended the wedding via IPod. The wedding was celebrated in 3 different provinces all hundreds and hundreds of miles apart

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Wonders of Technology

July 27, 2013

Last evening I received a real surprise. The kind of surprise that caused my jaw to drop as I stared in wonder.

Nephew, Jordon is coming into town and will spend at least part of the day with us, will be very Nice. I am going to put him to work explaining technology to me. There is something just beyond my ability to grasp. Looking for our address, he was playing around on his computer. I think he was on google earth but have to find out. In any event he found our house. Some how he was able to zoom in. Zooming in close enough, I can’t believe, but you can actually see me. The picture is amazing, a little blurry but very recognizably me.
I am doing my front step sitting. If I had known I was getting my picture taken, I would have dressed for the occasion. How amazing is that?
Update, Jordon the master is here, it is google map, through which he got the picture. Showed me how to do it and there I am on the front step.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

July 26, 2013

My nephew Joey posted this and it really struck home with me.
It went like this:
Some dream of a new house
Some dream of a new car
Some dream of a new phone
Some dream of beating cancer

To me that is a very powerful message. Most people will read that and think to themselves, that would suck, the cancer part. Sure glad that is not me and carry on with their day without really giving it a second thought. I mean we are all invincible aren’t we?

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – We need to help the families

July 23, 2013

I should know better by now. When I try to organize my thoughts, plan out and write a post it just doesn’t seem to work. I am not a writer, I am a rambler. I just type what ever comes to mind and there we are.

when we know we are approaching our physical expiry date (nearing the end of our time on thisĀ earth) for all involved things get scary, confusing and life becomes full of uncertainty.

Now in writing this obviously I can only speak for myself based on my own experiences That experience does include 5 heart attacks, open heart surgery, numerous angiograms, angioplasties with stents. Between my heart and the brain tumour I imagine I have likely had every type of test possible done. Now I also have unstable angina, with complicates things as the symptoms can mimic that of a heart attack, which has caused trips to the ER.

Most of my banking career say me in rural communities. Advantage is over time socially you get to know a lot of the doctors and nurses away from the hospital. It was by knowing the medical staff in this way, that I learned in 2 of the heart attacks they had all but given up on my survival. I sure fooled them because here I still am. I will try and describe one of those circumstances. I am in a small rural hospital excellent doctors and nurses. Good place to be except they do not have access to the treatment facilities and equipment a large hospital would have.

Now other than the trip to the hospital I really have no memory of that day. Socially we knew one of the doctors and several of the nurses. It was not until months or maybe even a year after the fact that I learned more of what happened that day. I walked into the hospital but then collapsed onto the hospital bed. I remember non of this but I was in and out of consciousness through out the day. I coded several times with the electric paddles being used on me. An air ambulance had been arranged to fly me to Winnipeg. They were struggling to stabilize me enough to make the trip. Apparently the thought was if I was left there I had no chance. Surviving the flight very small chance.

I am thinking it must have been at least a year, maybe longer after the fact, when I was well healed and the world was good. That I did hear this other side of the story, I am a miracle patient. They even sort of joked about something I said. Doctor told me I was having a very serious heart attack. Apparently my reply was: “that sucks, what are you doing about it and when can I get out of here?” Sounds like a lot of bravado there.

Now there is a big and very important point to remember here. I am going in and out of consciousness. I have no idea of what level my mind was functioning, I remember nothing. Plus, I am sure they had most likely given me who knows what for drugs to keep me calm or what ever. Apparently I was very calm and relaxed through out, those drugs I am sure may have played a large part in that, I don’t know.

Now lets look at the other side of the coin. Vi is out in the waiting room fretting, worrying often not really knowing what was going on. Each update seemed to get worse. She wasn’t allowed in while they were working on me which was pretty much constantly.

Now I ask you who do you think had is worse. I am in there in some partial conscious drugged up state oblivious to almost everything, or Vi sitting in the waiting room.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – out living expiry date

July 18, 2013

Over the past several months I have had the pleasure of exchanging emails with a gentleman in a very similar situation to my own. Our medical ailments are different but our overall condition is the same in that we are both years past what doctors guesstimated to be our expiry dates.

Our way of thinking and dealing with this whole situation at least similar. We do not want to be a burden and we want to at least try to make this whole process as easy as possible on those around us. Issues are minimized, blown off as no big deal. “I am fine with all of this, don’t worry about me.”.
He is almost 5 years past his doctor projected expiry date. In that 5 years he has faced and over come major medical obsticals. Each time minimizing the seriousness of his condition. Now I can so easily relate to him saying “each medical hoop you jump through takes a lot out of you”. It becomes harder and harder to put on the “don’t worry, I am fine face”
It has reached the point when He knows the end is really nearing. He just does not feel he has the energy to clear the next medical obstacle put before him.
I had to go to email to get the wording: “I have been dying for so long that my family has become so used to the idea it is almost like now it is no big deal to them. Now is when I need the support. Have they lived with this idea for so long they have become immune to feelings about it?”
Thoughts anyone?

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

July 16, 2013

I have come to realize the only thing in life that will never change is that things are in fact going to change. We just don’t know the what, the how or the degree to which the change will be. If you are in a difficult position take heart, things shall change. If you are in a wonderful place in life take time to enjoy and appreciate as this too shall change. At the time changes may even be so small so subtle they may not even register at the time and it is only with our 20/20 hindsight that we can look back and see where it all started.
We must learn to appreciate all that we have. We just don’t know when that change is coming or how dramatic it will be.
I think of my cousin Joe and his family. I am struggling to find the words to properly describe all that has occurred in their lives in the past couple of months. In that short period of time Joe has gone from being a seemingly healthy guy to a stage 4 cancer patient with that cancer having spread to multiple organs. All that fast from life is wonderful to “oh Boy”. It was totally unexpected seemingly coming out of no where. How do you begin to come to terms with something like that?
The ups and downs have been devistating for Joe, Ev (wife), children Joey, Ryan and Steph. Steph having come all the way from Australia to be with her dad and family. My heart bleeds for my dear Auntie Isabel and all of the large extended family.
I write of ups and downs, could it be any more down than when Doctors advised he possibly had only about 2 weeks left.
I thank God, Joe is responding well to his treatment plan. That 2 week time frame has been increased to even as much as 2 years, if he continues to respond as well to the treatment plan.
Prayers please

Dying man’s Daily Journal – Heart Failure Clinic Appointment

July 12, 2013

The folks at the Heart Failure Clinic are amazing. They are so positive, upbeat and encouraging it is impossible to leave there not feeling uplifted.

My condition is degenerative meaning there is no cure or fix, I have known that all along. The heart disease isĀ advancing. This old ticker of mine showing a little more wear and tear but still hanging in there.
Over all, everything considered I am doing well.
We talked about the past failed procedure and of how the surgeon is willing to attempt it again if I decide I would like it or feel it is necessary. Now that procedure was never designed to extend my life but to improve on my quality of life.
Their focus was mostly on telling me to get out there and enjoy life. None of us know how long we have, make the most of it. I couldn’t help but think, I’ve had this thought before and it is a really good one.
Being referred for an organized exercise program designed to fit me.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal

July 11, 2013

Today is potentially a big day, one that I have been waiting for. A couple of months back Doctors attempted but failed to clear a 100% blockage in one of the major arteries in my heart. At that time they were then going to regroup and see if they had a plan B.

This morning is the appointment in which I find out

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – allow yourself to shine

July 10, 2013

Yesterday, I wrote about watching a tiny ant and of how it was struggling to move an item 2 or 3 times its own size and I am sure at least 2 or 3 times its own weight. I started watching out of simple curiousity. The more I watched that curiosity changed to out right admiration. Here was a tiny creature was struggling but succeeding in moving what must have seemed to be an over whelmingly huge object. As I watched I saw many, many failed attempts to move it. Did that stop or even slow down the ant? Not at all, he with each failed attempt he just repositioned himself and tried again Countless times he would keep repositioning himself until he got it moved even the smallest amount. there was just no give up, or no I can’t in that little guy. I found myself cheering for the little guy. I don’t know how far he had to go but I do hope he made it.
I have been thinking about that.
We as humans have the bigger brain, the better more developed ability to think things through, rationalize…… When we rationalize often based on our own self image we talk ourselves right out of even attempting anything that may look challenging. It is my belief that God sees us as being human with all the weakness that come with it. He does not expect perfection from us but I imagine He would want us to keep trying.
I can’t help but think if Mr. Ant had been gifted with our ability to reason, to think things through, he would have rationalize, that thing is just to big, to heavy for me to move, why bother even trying. We think ourselves, rationalize to our selves and don’t even attempt to fulfill our true potential.
A big thank you to Mel. Mel I just read your comment. I thank you for sharing that quote it is beautiful and really does say it all. Our greatest fear maybe to shine. it is easier less scary to remain unnoticed back in the pack than to shine as a beacon for others to follow. Why shouldn’t you shine, stand out. We are all children of God, why should we not shine. If need be think like an ant, no task it to big to take on.