Dying Man’s Daily Journal – brain tumour

Living the wild bachelor life. Vi’s daughter, Lynelle and family passed through Winnipeg. They are on vacation and on there way to Wisconsin. They invited Vi to join them, she did and will be gone for the next week. I wear one of those medical alert pendants and we had to test it to ensure her it was working before she left, all is good. I think it is good for her to get away every once in a while. In a way a bit of a respite from worrying about me. I know she still worries but there is at least a little of the “out of sight out of mind” relaxation time.

I am often asked how am I doing? My standard answer is I am doing good and based on my current reality I am doing good. I am up and about can cook for myself, care for myself. Remembering to take my medications well that can be an issue. It is just my energy levels are close to zero and I just have to push myself a little harder. Things like dusting the house, the routine things will just not be happening.

People will often comment, you are looking good, you don’t even look sick. Well I am not sick in the way we generally consider being sick. I have a bad heart that greatly affects me physically and a brain tumour that who knows what it is doing to my thinking and emotions. I realize I haven’t written much about the tumour, just not sure what to say about it or how it is affecting me.

As I think about it, it has to be affecting me in some way to some degree. I just have no idea of how or how much.
What do I know about it. It is located obviously on the inside but is about an inch above the centre of my right eye brow. It is roughly round in shape and a little bigger than a large walnut. It obviously squishes that right frontal lobe. Being squished has to effect the full and proper function of that part of the brain. The frontal section of the brain is where our personality is formed. How can you tell how much it is affecting you??

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Fantasy bucket list update

I don’t that often look at the blog stats anymore. There was a time when I was all excited, amazed by the steadily increasing number of hits. I was constantly having feelings of awe. I mean who in the world would/could be interested in reading my endless ramblings.

this morning I looked, 484,579 hits as of this moment. I really am shocked beyond belief.
This got me thinking of my fantasy bucket list. I have had a attainable bucket list, filled and emptied is 3 or 4 times over. I am left with the fantasy bucket list. On that list are items relating to this blog which has come to mean so very much to me.
Fantasy reach 500,000 hits. Currently 484,579, might make it.
Receive 10,000 comments. Currently 9,619, getting there.
Really ambitious one. Know my humble blog has been read in every country in the world. Now stats for that are only available since 01/12. Since then it has reached 166 different countries. UN site shows 194 countries.
I am going to do my best to try and post more often ( this is post #1302. That must show how much I like to ramble on and on.
More posts will result in I hope more hits and comments. Not sure about getting to those last few countries, any suggestions?

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Appreciate Father’s Day

Here in Canada as it is in some other countries, today is recognized as Father’s Day. The one day of the year set aside to recognize and honour our fathers. I wish a happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there.

I imagine many families will be gathering to mark the occasion. Special meal’s Dad’s favourites will be prepared. Phones will be ring all across the country. I think all of that is wonderful. Here in Winnipeg anyway, there won’t be much for outdoor activities as it is cold and raining.

I would just ask that irregardless of how you may mark the occasion a little thought be put into it. Try to look at it as more than just an obligation. The calendar says it is Father’s Day so “I suppose I have to go and visit/phone the old guy”. You go through the motions and do what is expected simply because it is tradition or what is expected. The words happy Father’s Day roll off your tongue with the same thought or meaning behind them as would be as if you had commented on the weather.

Now in saying this I know it is not an intentional slight or any such thing. It is just we are all so busy with our lives we don’t slow down enough to give it thought. The day turns into a regular day or event other than the obligatory words we said.

Don’t waste the opportunity to express true feelings. I know of families that are facing the first Father’s Day without dad. Given the opportunity I am sure they would have much to say to dad. Yes, it can still be done through prayer but it just doesn’t feel the same.

Now to the fathers. Let today be a day of reflection and appreciation. Becoming/being a father is a gift from God. A gift like no other a true blessing. Be thankful, appreciate it and enjoy it.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Arranging you own funeral

This morning was really a different time. I actually went to the funeral home and made all the arrangements for my own passing.

What I have had in the past were what I thought were clear instructions on what I wanted and did not want. I thought that would be enough to ease the burden on the family at the time. I am sure having it laid out as to what I would want, would indeed make it easier.

my brother passed just a couple of weeks ago. Talking to Debbie (his wife/my sister-in-law), I got some idea of how difficult it was still actually going in to make those arrangements.

I don’t want that for Vi and my daughters so it is arranged start to finish. All they need to know is the when.

The service itself has enough flexibility with in it that any or all may add personal touches should they wish.

i admit to being nervous/apprehensive even a little scared going into this. Now that it is done I do feel more at peace.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Getting back to normal

I had not realized how much the trip to Dauphin had really tired me out. I remember reading somewhere that 1 hour of stress is as exhausting as 8 hours of physical work. I have been just whipped. Thankfully I have the option of napping through the day and have been taking advantage of that big time.

Once I got to the hospital in Dauphin, the stress was gone. They had me drugged up totally relaxed. As I went to the Memorial Service straight from the hospital even there wasn’t nearly as stressful/emotional as it otherwise would have been without the drugs I obviously still had in my system.

Obviously, it was the stress I put myself through the preceding week that literally almost did me in. The shock of his passing, the anger/frustration knowing a medical fix had been scheduled and was less than 2 months away. OK, that last part of the drive into Dauphin, having the chest pain while knowing so far from help was stressful. I really did myself in with what I imagine would be called survivor guilt. It should have been me. I think everyone, myself included, expected it would be me. Yet here I am and only the Good Lord knows why.

i realize for that period of time I allow my view of my life and of the whole world to turn dark.
I have managed to get a lot of rest, multiple naps and I am feeling better, getting back to myself.
I have a good life and I know that. I am a lucky man in so very many different ways. I have so much to be appreciative of and I am. I am going to show that appreciation by really living life, every moment of it

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My time at the Memorial

On Thursday we drove to Dauphin to attend the Memorial Service for my brother. I have to admit the emotions of the whole thing had me pretty stressed. I lost a younger brother, which in itself is difficult. It also hit me in two other ways. First off I suppose you could call it a reality check as thoughts of my own mortality certainly came up. I have been living on “borrowed time” for literally years now. For this I am so very grateful but I can feel my body is wearing down and I do know that time is running out. Now this makes no sense even to me so I certainly can’t expect anyone else to understand. For years now, with my heart condition for which nothing can be done, it has been “sort of expected” I would be the next to die. Not my younger brother for whom there was a life saving treatment plan in place. Why would it be him and not me.

The trip to Dauphin is about  3 1/2 hour drive. Now about the last 90 minutes of that drive is nothing but farmland and bush. A few small towns but none that would have medical facilities such as I would need. So we are more than an hour away when chest pain came on. Used my nitro spray which eased but did eliminate the pain. With in a short while pain came back but stronger. Repeated this process 5 times over that hour. On finally arriving in Dauphin went straight to the hospital where I was treated by a very top notch team doctors and nurses. With in minutes I was receiving both morphine and a stress reducing medication. Within maybe 30 minutes I was in the drug induced “happy land” very relaxed and dozed on and off for most of the afternoon, completely stress and worry free.

i had made it clear on arriving at the hospital. I had to be at the Memorial Service at 7:30 and that was how much time they had to get me going. Long story short as the time came, it was strongly suggested I do not attend because of the emotions and additional stress that would bring on. I was going to speak at the service and at minimum I should pass on that. OK, I agreed to the not speaking part. But this was just to important to me that not being there was not a consideration. They kept me to the very last minute. An IV port was left in my arm covered with gauze but off I went. Because of timing I didn’t have time to change clothes and went in the shorts and old shirt I had been wearing for the drive up.

important thing was I made it. As I lay in the hospital bed I realized there were two reasons I had to get there. First the obvious, out of respect for my brother, to offer support to his wife and kids and to say some sort if good bye. Another reason came to mind. This was Robin’s day. All thoughts and feelings should be directed to him and to supporting his wife and kids. I did not want any thought or worry about me being in the hospital to in anyway take away from that. I am so very glad I got there.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My brothers Memorial

Back home after attending the Memorial Service for my brother. The Service was excellent, would have made Robin happy.
My brother Eric did an excellent job with the Eulogy, Vi read a poem, niece Sara shared some heart felt thoughts and I was very proud when my nephew (Robin’s son) Trent rose to say a few words in memory of his Dad.
Wonderful job done by all.