Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Life is so worth it

I suppose life is getting to being a little more normal. Vi’s mum is home and doing well. Vi had made a commitment quite a while back to go and baby sit the grand kids so she has flown to Thompson and will be gone for the next week. Becasue of her mum’s conidtion she was hesitant about going but as there are 4 or 5 flights a day she can get back very quickly if needed.

I have said so very many times that I am such a lucky man. I know that in my head a usually feel it in my heart. As time passes though I seem to go through periods where my heart seems to forget that. I still know it, but at times just don’t feel so lucky. By the mere fact I have some how been able to defy the odds and am alive today should be enough to convince me, I guess on what you culd call a permanent basis. It is strange though how we can become complacent and so easily start taking things/life for granted.

Of late I seem to have found myself more in a brooding, anxious or pensive state/mindset. I need more time in my meditation chair. Our lives our reality is lived totally in our heads, I can change what I see as my reality by changing my thinking. That is job one for me NOW. The only time really wasted is time not lived and I am wasting too much.

Things have been happening. Vi flew to Thompson to baby sit grandchildren while Lynelle is away on a training course. I guess that means I am living the wild bachelor life and geesh is it ever wild. lol.

In the past I have written about our neighbour Paul (the card shark). Now Paul is a gentleman for whom I have a lot of respect and is reaching real life hero status in my eyes. Paul is 92 years old, sharp as a tack and continually kicks my butt at crib. We had the pleasure of having Paul and his daughter Diane over for supper a few nights back. As is the norm the crib board and cards came out. Almost to my amazement I discovered Paul can be beaten. Now to his credit he did drag every point possible out of each hand, he pegged points like a mad man. Yet, even that was not enough and he went down to defeat. OK, in fairness I have to say he was playing with a great handicap to over come. What was that handicap that dragged him down to defeat, having me as a partner.Yes we were playing doubles having partners, men against the women, sigh.

Had a wonderful evening out at cousin Maggie’s home. Her brother, my cousin Don is in town. It really was nice seeing Don again. It has only been something like 35 or 40 years since we last saw each other. Geesh, it just hit me. We played crib there also. Don, an excellent player and I were partners against Maggie and hubby Dale. Hum, don’t think I am going to say who won.

Life is not always easy but if we just open our hearts and minds we realize it is so very worth it.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – dying, emotional learning curve

I am happy to say Nellie, Vi’s mum is much happier, more content with the world. She was discharged from the hospital yesterday. It had reached the point where there was nothing more in the hospital that could be done for her that could not be done at home. There is no doubt she will receive the care at home and her peace of mind, comfort and happiness are top most on everyone’s minds.

I know from experience it can sometimes take your mind some time to catch up/realize diminishing physical limitations. My concern right now may be that Nellie may be just lots say a “TAD” on the STUBBORN side. If she decides she is going to do something, she is going to do it and she is going to do it now. None of this waiting for someone to help her. She is in a very weakened position and can’t or at least is not supposed to try walking without two people there to support her, one on each side. Case in point, a couple of days ago Vi was there at meal time. Two nurses came in and helped get her out of bed and to walk to a chair close to the foot of her bed. They left leaving the instructions that after she had eaten and was ready to go back to bed she was to call them and they would return to help her back to bed. Vi told her to stay there while she ran to get the nurses. They return a minute later and Nellie has gotten herself back to bed. Now here I am of a split mind. On one side I admire her determination, spunk and pluck in trying to overcome these physical limitations, here on the blog I encourage that, within reason. The other side of me says, “what is the matter with you, you crazy old lady. don’t you know you could have fallen again and maybe broken who knows what this time.” In the hospital they even had an alarm on the sides of her bed so they could tell when she was trying to get up or out.

At home there is no doubt with the family there, she will receive loving quality care. My concern is if in the middle of the night she decides she needs or wants something, what do you think are the chances of her being willing to sit there waiting for someone to wake up??????

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Dying Man’s Daily Journal – HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

Today is a special day set aside to honor the beloved mother’s of the world.

I am just thinking that it is good that we do have a special day set aside for this specific purpose. In theory it could be said that every day should be a day in which we honor our mothers and fathers. Reality is though that and it is as it should be and is meant to be, our own lives take over as we raise our own families. Parents to varying degrees are pushed to the side line. As I said that is the natural order of things and how it should be.

So, with our lives being as busy as they are, we take one day of the year to honor mothers and another for fathers. In that way we can make sure we at least fit it in somewhere.

I look back and realize I am very guilty of the same thing I am sure many of you are. Most of my adult life I spent living in different towns or cities that was my mother. I realize I lost sight of the true meaning of the day. I feel kind of guilty just saying this but it seemed mothers day some how became just another day. But a day in which I felt obligated to make a phone call, wishing her a happy day. It was sort of like make the call and then, there that is done for another year, so now let’s get on with my day.

Oh, there were times when I was able to actually spend the day with her. Even those times I would give her some small gift, a hug and wish her the appropriate wishes. I realize now that was all done more out of a sense of obligation. That is what is expected but without the appropriate feelings and meaning behind it.

Now, don’t take me wrong, I loved my mother very very much. I had huge respect for her and was so very appreciative of her and having her in my life. I realize that some how I had become just taking her being there for granted. I don’t have any idea of how many times there were when I could have called or even visited and didn’t. Why because it was not a convenient moment for me and there was always tomorrow or next week…… I am sure there were times when I was just too tired or even just didn’t feel like it, there is always tomorrow.

Suddenly reality hit me smack in the face. (wow it is 21 years ago). I got that much dreaded phone call, she had passed over and there were no more tomorrows. You are hit by the lose and then the regrets. So many missed visits, so many missed phone calls, so many wasted opportunities to spend time with her. If I had but known what lay in the future do you think I would still have been too tired to make that call/visit. No I wouldn’t have, oh would my priorities have been different. This same thought can apply to all family and everyone in our lives. Can you relate to what I am saying in anyway.

Vi’s mother Nellie is still in the hospital. Today I am going to make a special trip to visit her. I am going alone so for that short while it will be just her and I. I am going to take a simple card with me. No it will not be a mother’s day card, no it will not be a get well card, those wishes I will express in person. The card I am going to take is a simple thank you card. It is to thank Nellie to giving birth to Vi those years back. I think that is an appropriate message for Mother’s day.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Dying/Living

I started writing this about a year after I first heard the dying word from my doctor. It was and is my hope that by sharing my experiences as I go down this last leg of our earthly journey, that I might provide some understanding of what it is like at least from my perspective. I do believe we are spiritual beings not just “physical” beings. It is like our physical bodies are but housing units for our spiritual selves. Our homes,our dwelling even they have an expiry date. With proper care and maintenance a house could last for I suppose hundreds of years. But eventually with the elements, wear and tear even the best house will have to come down.

Now that is like our bodies, proper care and maintenance can possibly extend or physical lives but irregardless like it or not, we do have an expiry date. Our physical bodies will only last for so long. What is life, it is what we do with our time here on this earth from when we are born to when we reach our personal expiry date. For me I think I spent most of my life living for tomorrow or several tomorrows from now. I would be exhausted, stressed to the max. just fighting to get through the day, the week or the month. I always carried the thought in my head, things will be better when…….. Some how it seemed that magical “when” just never came. Life was like on a treadmill, rush your way through one set of issues or problems only to find an entirely different set just waiting and that magical “when” dated moved further ahead. It was always there but always just ahead of me just beyond my grasp.

Some where along the line I came to realize, life is now and must be lived now. Yes it is good to have plans for the future, goals to work towards but we can’t forget to live life now while we are constantly pushing for that magical “when” date.

How many of us waste our lives either waiting for that “when” or stuck in the past with the “if onlys”. If only this hadn’t happened or if this had happened, I wouldnt ‘t be where I am today, it isn’t my fault my life sucks, poor me..

Life is today and what we make of it TODAY. Today is all we have, hopefully and likely there is a tomorrow for each of us, but there is no guarantee of that. Maybe we don’t like the hand we were dealt in this life. Life is not always fair but it can be so worth it. It is though only going to be worth as much as we are willing to put into it. It truly is one of those things that the more you put in the more you get back. Don’t get stuck waiting for tomorrow or living in the past. Life is now and shouldn’t be wasted on anything but truly living it the way it could or should be.

No one wants to die or well very few anyway. That must mean you want to hang on to the life you have. If you want to hang on to the life you have, why are you complaining about it or unhappy with it? Could it be better I am sure it could, all of your lives could in some way but it really could also be a lot worse. Life is lived in our heads, it is what we make of it. Waht are you making of your life.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – More prayers please

The past couple of weeks have been a very stressful, trying and exhausting time around here. Vi’s mum is still in the hospital having definite ups and downs. Her heart has now become the main concern. Elevated enzymes, several possible minor heart attacks. Congestive heart failure with the fluid retention and all that goes with it, pneumonia twice. Doctors are dealing with the seemingly endless new complications as they arise. She is now wearing the nitro patch and suffering the head ache that goes with it, been there done that and know it is not nice.

Vi is putting on the brave face but I know she is becoming an emotional wreck as are her siblings. With the ups and downs in her health emotions are difficult to get control of. She seems to be improving and hopes go up only to have them dashed with in a day or two as a new complication sets in. Vi has seven siblings and while Nellie has made her own wishes be clearly known, some are having a more difficult time accepting that than are others.

I have written so many times I believe it is harder on the families and I can so clearly see that now. For Nellie it seems they are struggling with proper pain management and in that way her situation is so much worse than my own, that pain is a game changer. Yes, I have the pain but nothing compared is seems to hers.

I have through this come to realize their is in fact a group that does so often it seem unrecognized or maybe it is because that is the group I find myself in. You are seen as being one step back just being the son-in-law. As you don’t have the same “level of emotional investment” you are looked to for the strength and support, which is fair enough but difficult.

On a personal level beyond the obvious family ties, I suppose I am getting a reality check. I think it is likely selfish for me to be even thinking this way at this time but I see Nellie struggling with the heart failure, I see the doctors concern and think of how my own symptoms are far advanced beyond that. The age difference is the big factor for me.

Prayers please for Nellie, Vi and other children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grand children