I got some good news yesterday. I had an appointment with my neurologist. About 5 or 6 weeks ago I had an MRI done checking the progress of the brain tumor. Yesterday I finally got the results. Over the past year the tumor has only grown slightly. In the past I was told it is was the size of a walnut. I realize now I could have asked when it comes to a brain tumor, what does the term slightly mean? I suppose now I am picturing the size of a large walnut. Because of the slow rate of growth it is likely not cancerous. He seems pretty comfortable with it and is leaving all my medications the same. It seems the tumor has triggered epilepsy but some of those medications keep under control.
I only had 4 or 5 seizures when I actually fell. Those were the strangest things. I would be just doing what ever and the next thing I know I am flat on my face on the ground. No memory of falling or anything just there I am on the floor or on the ground. Usually, just a minute or two to clear my head and I was fine, just very tired. Now wouldn’t you think even just the law of averages would say out of my 4 or 5 falls at least once I would land on something soft like a bed or couch or something. Nope, once I even broke my wrist and a second time sprained my ankle. I must think, I am a macho guy or something because when I “pick” something to land on it is always hard. I think the one that creeps me out the most is finding myself literally face down on the floor of a not so clean public washroom (restroom), yuck.
It has taken me a while to realize that my many prayers over the years have been answered. Answered, just not in exactly the way I was praying for or I suppose even partially expecting.
OK, what are my conditions: damaged heart, heart failure, unstable angina, prone to tachycardia, edema, brain tumor, epilepsy, diabetes, thyroid problems, sleep apnea, carpal tunnel, peripheral neuropathy and post traumatic stress disorder.
I wasn’t diagnosed with all of these in one shot, it was over the course of time. Most though in 2003 and 2004 those were almost like nightmare years I even came to the point of “joking” about how I don’t want to see the doctor any more, every time I do, he has found something new.
Oh, how I prayed back then. Now I see my prayers were my own personal wish lists, I suppose it became almost comparable to a grocery shopping list, I need this and I need this and that. I can see that I was hoping, Our Heavenly Father would reach down touch me on the forehead and poof all my problems would be gone. What did I get instead within a month or two I would be hit with another diagnosis of another condition. This was like my prayers being answered in reverse, I am praying for health and am getting the exact opposite in response. What is up with this?
As I am typing this I have actually just sat here for about 5 or 10 minutes wondering. Wondering, why the thought never even seemed to enter my head at anytime, to maybe question my faith. Not once ever have I question or doubted my faith in God. Now that is certainly not to say that I never questioned or disagreed with His decisions. By that I mean I have ALWAYS known what is best for me, how wrong could I be. Was I disappointed in the lack of positive response to my prayers, for sure.
Over the years my prayers have changed as has my way of seeing things. I now see every prayer was indeed answered in a positive way.
When my health issues with my heart first began, I was praying for help, hoping for a miracle. My idea of the miracle would be that suddenly my heart would be healed. Instead, I was guided to the right doctors who were able to prescribe the right medications. All things I needed help with and I did receive that help. God works in mysterious ways and often utilizes people on this earth to help in His work. Who granted the doctor with the brains and the desire to help other. Who placed the doctor in the right place at the right time. Scientists somewhere “discovered” the medications I required. Who was it that inspired them to do so. To me the answer to all these questions is obvious.
As my list of conditions increased, my prayers changed to asking for strength in dealing with all of this. Here the prayer was clearly directly answered as I did reach the point where I could joke about it all.
Finally, my prayer changed yet again. Now, I pray for nothing more than for God’s will to be done in my life. This prayer has also been answered as I am no longer plagued with questions about the hows or the whys of all of this. I can’t explain any of all of this, why it is happening in my life. I don’t have to be able to explain it. It is God’s will and that certainly is good enough for me.
Everyone of my prayers was indeed, answered in a positive way.