Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Job vs. Life

I know I wrote about it yesterday, but I really can’t express how nice our weekend was. Shauna and Jake really are such wonderful hosts they do make a Daddy proud.

I saw a couple of interesting things on TV last night. One was a reality show. A lady was interviewed and discussed her low self esteem. She attributed this largely or at least in part to the fact she felt all of her life she had been seeking her father’s approval and to make him proud of her. She seemed to feel she always fell short of that mark, leaving her with feelings of inadequacy. I certainly hope I have never given my daughters that impression.

Billie and Shauna, I want you both to know I consider myself to be such a lucky man. I feel so lucky and blessed that the Good Lord in His wisdom chose to give me, you as my daughters. I am so proud of both of you exactly as you are today, I always have been and I always will be. I love you so much.

Yesterday was a really big “pee” day and I have my wonkie head going on something fierce. The day following one of these days is when memory guy or rather lack of memory guy takes center stage. I know I have the overall content of this next bit correct, I am just not sure about the ratio. I didn’t look but I am sure if anyone is interested the story can likely be found by going to CTV.ca.

So, the second thing that caught my eye was on the CTV national news. Stress kills. We all know this but now a scientific research program has been conducted which again proves it. Our bodies were not designed or intended to deal with prolonged stress or pressure. When we experience this or are subjected to it, the effects reach in to every organ in our bodies in a very negative way. As I understand it, it is indeed the heart that often feels the effects the most often. This study showed if you have had a heart attack and then return to the same stressful environment your chances of having a second heart attack are doubled over that of someone that returned to a less stressful environment. Stress is a killer, we know that yet don’t do anything about it. We just seem to accept it as if it is a must or a natural part of our lives. Why????

Of late, I have written of my own stresses to show what stress can do and look where it has gotten me. Will anyone listen or pay enough attention to see, learn and actually make changes in their lives. Sadly, I doubt it. I know how I would likely read any of this. I would likely think, wow that is sad, but my situation is different. I am stuck in my life and there really are no changes I can make. I do, what I do just to get through each day. We rationalize our acceptance of stress as being something unavoidable in life. Granted, to live in this world there are some stresses that truly are unavoidable often with family issues or whatever. Based on what I just saw on the news and from my own experience, I ask is this or any job worth my life? We are literally putting our very lives at risk for our jobs, we are just so wrapped up in the moment we don’t realize or forget this. I do think it is time for everyone to wake up and realize what is happening, what you are doing to yourselves. Many will think, I am handling and dealing with my pressure and stress just fine. Maybe in your head, in your mind you think you are, but what is it doing to your body?

In my mind I have always been on top of, or able to deal with my pressure. My mind must have forgot to tell my heart we were dealing with it. My heart rebelled and had 4 heart attacks and I am now diagnosed with heart failure. I look at my own dear Vi. We went through a very stressful time with break ins etc. Vi dealt with it all came through like a trooper. Her body didn’t react as well as her mind, she now has high blood pressure and psoriasis, stress related.

I can only hope everyone really takes a good look at their own lives. Are you truly dealing with, handling your stress or is it just quietly dealing with your body?

I am tired or writing about all this negative stuff. I do have 2 or 3 more posts I now want to share, including the one on our home invasion but I am going to get off this negative stuff for 2 or 3 weeks. I need a break from it and we will see what happens. I can only hope and pray, someone, anyone will learn from my mistakes.

10 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Job vs. Life

  1. Lori says:

    Bill, everyone that reads your posts will (learn) take something away with them, I can tell you that I certainly have something different each time I read your writings. I think about things I am panicking about and think is it really all that important? I am working hard at changing my thought pattern and this is all due to your posts. I don’t want to feel so stressed all the time thinking it has to be done now right now or the world will fall apart. I want to stop and think will the world really fall apart? 90% of the time the true answer will be no it won’t. Your health your family and your friends are always more important. I thank you so much for writing of your past experiences I want you to know that I for one truly appreciate it very much!
    It is always hard to write about negative things as it brings up so much emotion that we have tried not to think about. I am thankful that you have decided to share your life with me for one. I am thankful for you and I am thankful for the wonderful wife and family you have! you give hope to others in a way I don’t think you realize.
    Thank you.

  2. Bill Howdle says:

    Hi Lori, I do thank you so much for your kind comment and encouragement. If I in some way have touched your life in a way to bring about positive change, it is all worth while.
    You are right about it being difficult to write about the difficult times and it bringing up emotions. It is in a way though almost a good thing. I look back and really see where my life and thinking were then and it makes me even more appreciative of where my thoughts are today. So different.

  3. V- says:

    Wow that fact about those who have heart attacks and return to the same stressful enviroment was powerful. Thanks for sharing so much of your past, as I know you would rather dwell on the postives. Let me assure you that your honesty has affected both me and my husband in very profound ways. I often read him your posts and they lead to very deep conversations about what is truly important. We are consciously working on keeping our priorities in check thanks to you. God Bless!

  4. I feel very stressed lately, with everything that has happened. But , I decided to do an art project,every chance I get , even if it turns out bad, I have liked what I am doing and it relieves my stress. Art does that for me. So does listening to good music. Have you ever just put head phones on and listened to the lyrics of the music being played? It is very theraputic. ~nita~

  5. RubyShooZ says:

    Hi Bill, Good to “see” you. I think there are many more people doing things to relieve stress than there used to be as the years go by. There’s a college town (city really) around here and there are all kinds of folks taking yoga classes, learning meditatioin, into the whole health-food and conscious-ness raising thing and I think the more we learn about the sorts of things that you’ve pointed out in your post, the more people will start or step up doing stuff that’s good for them.

    Yeah, alot of things and alot of people are screwed up in this life and this world today but there are lots who are working at trying to make things better, don’t you think so? As compared to years ago – in the “olden” days when we were all younger, don’t you think you see more and more people actually out walking or jogging or biking and don’t you see more and more health-conscious people and articles and stuff like that around?

    I’m not disagreeing with your post – please don’t take it that way. I’m confirming that I do think people are waking up (as you put it) and shows like what you saw on tv confirm it too. I think it’s exciting when I stop and think about it – which I admit, hasn’t been enough in the past years of my life.

    It’s really only been about the last ten years that I started examining how I was living and even moreso this last year. Maybe it’s just because I’m getting older…? I don’t know but I’m really glad I’m able to see these things happening both in the world and in myself.

    Sorry I haven’t been by in a while. It’s been hard for me to visit all the blogs I’d like to as much as I’d like to but I do like to stay in contact and come as often as I can….sometimes I just have to make the time and when I do that makes me happy to because I really do care for and appreciate the folks I’ve come to know in the cyber-world here.

    Much love to you both today.

    ~ RS ~

  6. babychaos says:

    I think our desire to feel needed, to feel the work we do is important comes from the fact on some level we miss the actual physical hands on process of putting food on the table which being hunter gatherers involves. There was no choice back then, it was uncomplicated, you looked for food, you caught it and ate it or you didn’t and you went hungry.

    As life gets ever more complicated, I think we are trying to replace the simple need to hunt (and it’s accompanying importance) with work. We know it’s not that important deep down but we need to feel that something we do IS important so we pretend it is, to ourselves and everyone else. I guess this is rooted in the basic human desire to feel needed and important – which we have because if we didn’t we wouldn’t have hunted and gathered stuff for each other.

    When it comes to whether telling us of your experiences or mistakes will help, well, you can only share this stuff, it’s up to us to listen. It clearly takes some bravery for you to talk about it for which, thank you. If what you say here helps one person make a decision which will change their life for the better then it was worth the pain of writing it. If it helps, it has affirmed some of the decisions I have made recently and made me realise I am on the right track, for me. So thanks.

    Take care you.


  7. babychaos says:

    Another thought… it’s like a while back when I was telling a friend who is a priest about my atheist husband. I was saying I thought that I should probably try to convert him but that I had never been very good at that kind of thing. He told me it isn’t up to me to convert Mr BC, it’s up to God. So… same kind of deal. Relax.



  8. Mel says:

    Well, if you think I came, I read and I walked away without any introspect or ‘good’ coming from what you shared—-think again!

    I’m a passionate person. (like it or not…LOL)
    I work hard, I play hard, I love like crazy.

    Balance–something I don’t know a whole lot about, Bill.
    It would seem everything I do, I do with passion and with ALL of me in it.

    But IMHO writing your truth isn’t ‘negative’.
    And if I took only those few posts and let them stand by themselves, I’d have just one smidgeon of the truth, wouldn’t I?
    After all the years I spent being ‘exempt’ of other’s experiences, living that ‘it won’t happen to me’ lie–being in places to hear other’s stories is a chance for me to do the introspect in time to NOT get that boulder dropped on my head….I can hope!

    I’d much rather have your story whapping me on the back of the head than having the boulder dropped on it. đŸ˜‰

    ((((((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))))))

  9. graceloo says:

    Hi Bill,

    Reading your words made me treasure what I am having now. And I decided to make a point to appreciate my family members as much as possible. Thank you. We just lost a Church frined few days ago. It was a ‘sudden’ heart attach, everyone was unprepared for his departure.

    Looking back, this brother has heen a faithful follower of Jesus who lived his life to the fulllest untill his last day. What you are doing now is very educational. I wish you have a strong faiith that will help deal with whatever is coming.


  10. Gil and Star says:

    Hi Bill, I don’t think you will even remember us. Star and me were your neighbors way back when we lived in Thunder Bay. I don’t remember how I found your blog but we have been reading it for months. It took us a while to figure out it was you. Lots of times I wanted to write you a message but have been scared to write something on the internet.
    I read what you wrote today and think I should. You talk about everbody doing nice things, acts of kindness. I think everyone shoud know you don’t just talk about it you do it yourself. When we first moved into the apartment building we had no help. We had to carry eveything by ourselves which was ok except for the sofa that was big and heavy. We got it stuck in the door bacause Star wasn’t strong enough to carry that big thing. Then a man came an took Stars side and we were able to get it in. That was you. After we put the sofa down in the apartment I saw that you had a big cast on you leg. Star brought your crutches into the apartment. I realized you had a broken leg and were walking on crutched. You saw we needed help and just gave it to us you ignored your own broken leg go give us help. We said thank you then but I say thank you again.
    I got one of your business cards back then and have kept it maybe that ishow I remember your name. I have told so many people about how the crippled banker helped us move in and every time I show them that card.
    We will both do something for your bithday wish

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