Acceptance – key to a peaceful life

It has been a while since I last posted. A lot has happened, a lot remains unchanged.
On Thursday, I go to have a heart monitor surgically implanted. They are still trying to figure out why my heart tends to act out at times causing the episodes I have written about.
My fainting, falling issues really had my shorts in a wad. But it is getting easier and I haven’t had a full fall in a while. I realize again adapting or becoming accepting of what is my reality at least for now, while the docs try to figure out the cause. Now I realize anything they may come up with is to improve quality of life and won’t really impact quantity.
I know quality of life can be largely up to me. These are issues I can’t change, it is truly beyond my control. My heart has a mind of it’s own and seems to act out when it wants to. I can’t change that. It has taken me a bit to just accept that these episodes are going to come.
Now, I have been dealing with heart issues for years. I had gradually become accepting of how my existing condition affected my body. My symptoms of late stem from an entirely different heart issue. Being a different condition the way it affects me, the symptoms are different than I have been used to experiencing. Plus existing conditions breathing and fatigue have been ramped up.
I have total faith and trust in my doctors. I do realize there are limits to what even they can do and it could take time. I have really come to realize how precious is my time as I just don’t know how much I have left. What to do?
The Serenity Prayer came to mind;
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Now the occurrence of these episodes is something I can not change. The only other option left is to come to some acceptance. How to do that?
In my typical episode my heart rate increases, the beat becomes very irregular, blood pressure drops, light headed and dizzy with increased chest pain. Not fun
At all. I did some deep thinking and realized dealing with with all of this in likely the worst possible way. I was allowing myself to wallow and just endure the episodes. Then living almost in fear or dread of when the next one may hit. I was to a degree stressed and all tensed up. The waiting knowing it is coming but not knowing when. That is no way to spend my precious time.
I had a real talk to myself about these episodes. They are no fun, but are they really that bad or is it something new that I need to accept and adapt to. I thought of each individual symptom trying to put it in prospective. I looked at each individual symptom and realized I have dealt with a lot worse than that, so what is the big deal. Certainly nothing to stress over.i expanded that thinking to the combination of symptoms during the episode. I was then able to see that, I can deal with these things, not that big a deal, I have been through a lot worse. It’s not all that bad, just different, something new to adjust to.
Now, instead of tensing up, enduring the episodes, I try to just relax. Let it pass. It is only going to last 20-30 minutes.
By relaxing the intensity has actually lessened. I have let go of the “dread” of the next one coming. I have no idea when it will hit and it is not that bad anyway.
Wow, made up for my absence with a real ramble today.

3 Responses to Acceptance – key to a peaceful life

  1. M T McGuire says:

    Bill you are a dude. I am glad you have been able to let the fear go and I hope being more relaxed continues to help. Thinking of you.



  2. Josh C. says:

    Hi Bill!

    My name’s Josh C.; I’m a researcher for a pair of creative professionals who work out of Los Angeles, California.

    I’ve been working for the past month or so on a project that’s – well, it’s about death, and/or dying. But not in a morbid way, I promise! To make a film about “how death makes people sad” isn’t a particularly difficult task…instead, my directors are really fascinated with ways that people find light, happiness, or even humor (albeit the dark kind) when they’re coping with their own deaths or the death of someone they love.

    For instance, we think it’s really interesting when people want to do fun or silly things with their remains, or joke or throw parties when they know the end is approaching. (Example: a lady in Key West posted an ad in a local paper announcing “Tough Luck” to everyone who owed her money.)

    It’s not the easiest thing to find people who are willing to talk about this issue! Which I totally get. It’s a touchy, difficult subject for a lot of people. I can’t begin to understand what folks in your situation are going through.

    Well; that’s not quite true! Thanks to your work here, I can at least begin to understand. I feel extremely lucky to have stumbled across your blog. You’re pumping so much positivity into the atmosphere, and at the same time you’re informing people like me about what it’s really like to live day to day with a terminal diagnosis. Understanding that your blog started as a way to help yourself cope with your situation, I hope you also see the incredible amount of good you’re doing in the world, just by communicating, with remarkable poetry, what it’s like in your shoes. (You so often make a sort of apology for “rambling” in your posts – I think it’s delightful!)

    The point is, your blog is fantastic & fascinating & just the sort of thing we’re hoping to spotlight in our documentary project. And the community of supporters and supported that you’ve helped form is a similarly amazing thing. We’d love to talk to you about it, if you’re willing to take the time.

    Don’t be surprised if you hear from me on Facebook, as well! (Though – I hope this goes without saying – if you’d rather not hear from us, just let me know; the last thing we want is to be an unwelcome intrusion.)

    I hope we get the chance to talk soon. Either way, all my best wishes to you and Vi; you’ve certainly got another avid follower here.



    Hello Josh and welcome to my blog. I thank you for your kind words, I feel both humbled and honoured.
    The blog and all the wonderful people I have met through have become such a huge and very important part of my life. I just do not have the words to describe how much I have gained, how much I have grown as a person through all of this.
    Death, the dying process is something that each and every one of us will individually face in our own time. That is the one thing each and every person on this planet has in common. We share this common fate yet we are so reluctant to talk about it or even think about it.
    With your assurance it will not all be dealt with in a morbid way, I would be happy to assist you in anyway I can.
    Please check your email, shortly

  3. Dorothy ^!^ says:

    the fact that you ramble gives me peace of mind,truly,,i guess it is just marveling at the fact that you can my Friend.

    Hi Dorothy. Thank you for taking the time to leave your comment.
    I have never claimed myself to be a writer. There are times I look at other blogs and in a way feel inadequate. It is obvious they have researched their topic, proof read and edited their post to come up with something of high quality.
    I do none of that. I just sit and type. What ever thoughts come are what goes into the post. I finish typing and up goes the post. No proof reading or editing, thank goodness for spell checker and auto correct. I try to write from the heart and it turns out my heart isn’t the best speller.
    My goal has always to deliver an honest, open message straight from the heart as best I can. If I edit and all that it could change what is from the heart to who knows. So organized or disorganized as they may be, those are my thoughts of the moment.

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