Coming to terms with dying

I put up a post yesterday. I started with a topic in mind then with my typical rambling style went off on a tangent in a totally different direction. It is true there is so much happening in the world that is beyond my ability to grasp even in the slightest way.
Where I was going with the post is I have come to the realization, I am totally confusing myself. That being my reaction to the new symptoms I have been experiencing over the past 1 1/2 years or so. It took meditation and a lot of soul searching to come to this realization. When I can see and understand something I am able to deal with it much more easily.
For years now I have been, I suppose you could say “living on the edge of death”. By that I simply mean my reality is, I don’t know if I will be here even this afternoon. When I go to sleep at night, I don’t know if I will wake up in the morning. Now it is true that in fact that does apply to each and everyone of us. While that is reality for everyone, most live in denial. Any such thoughts are surreal about an event that will happen years down the line. Definitely no time soon.
You hear the words, you are dying, come out of your doctor’s mouth and there is an immediate big change. The surreal suddenly becomes very real. It took me time to reach a level Of acceptance. With that acceptance came a level of internal peace. I can’t say I have ever reached the point of being totally OK with the idea and don’t imagine I ever will. I did though reach the point of acceptance that OK, this sucks. There is nothing I can do about it so let’s make the best of each day.
I have been amazingly blessed to have survived 5 heart attacks. It has been made clear because of the condition of my heart #6 is looming on the horizon. When that one hits, down I will go and will not be getting up. Should likely be quick bang and it is over with. That is what I have been expecting, that is what I had come to terms with in my mind. Relative little discomfort followed with a quick end. I suppose it could be said I was accepting under my terms and conditions being the relative little discomfort followed by the quick end.
About 2 years ago that all changed with the onset of the AFlutter and AFib. With that the relative little discomfort levels suddenly ramped up considerably from what it had been. I admit I struggle with this not only physically but mentally. This was beyond the terms of my acceptance level. Things are not going according to my plan of how it should all go.
I have written of my episodes. According to my plan none of this should be happening . Especially as this is a whole new heart issue, has nothing to do with the heart failure or that looming heart attack. It is just a new and uncomfortable condition.
Slowly I am learning to deal with. But, It has slowly came to me. Things in life don’t always go according to my plan. There is a much bigger picture to consider, things happen according to God’s plan. I sure wish He would whisper in my ear what that plan is. One day I will find out.
I have prayed many times, placing myself in God’s hands, asking that His will be done in my life. I pray that God’s will be done in my life and this happens. Obviously His plan and my plan are not in sync. I do know God is actively at work in my life. Knowing this some how makes it easier to come to terms with all that is happening.