Learning to deal with life

I must be a creature of habit or something. I am realizing I have a hard time adjusting to change. Well, at least negative change impacting my health.
Heart Failure is a degenerative condition meaning with time it just gets worse.
For me it seems every couple of years some sort of heart related issue happens. Things are dealt with in an urgent/crisis mode, tests are done and the doctors show their amazing skill and I come through it. Afterwards I face an adjustment period. Usually because my physical limitations have been reduced and I do struggle with that. It takes a bit of time but I work at it, get my head screwed on straight and reach a level of acceptance. I am able to get on with life living with my new physical reality. Not easy but I get there. Life is to be lived not endured. I suppose I became comfortable. Yes, I had the chest pain but nitro spray mostly dealt with that. Constant fatigue – afternoon nap. Light headed/dizziness be more careful when standing.
About a year and 1/2 ago a totally new heart condition came on with a gusto. My heart rate sped up to the point my resting heart rate was in the 120/130’s. That by itself increased the exhaustion, limiting me to virtual bed rest. I was having episodes where my heart would for no apparent reason would take off beating 180/190 beats per minute. With that my blood pressure was rising 20/30 points.
It was decided in time I needed ablation therapy on the right side of the heart. Burning/killing a small part of the heart muscle that helps distribute the electrical impulses throughout the heart. When the doctor got in there he realized it was more complicated and ended up burning a line from the bottom of my heart up to the very top. Let’s just say it was no fun.
Since then it almost immediately kicked over to the left side of my heart doing the very same thing. Symptoms though we’re magnified by about 10. By symptoms I mean things I am feeling physically being more extreme.
I am still having my episodes. It is improved as heart rate will still get way up there but mostly only to the 150’s. Now though with this my blood pressure is dropping, heart beat is even more irregular, when chest starts bounding, way stronger than before. During episodes chest pain is quite a bit more than before. The nitro spray I usually can use for the chest pain, I can use only on a limited basis. Nitro spray will lower your blood pressure. As my blood pressure is already to low I can’t use the spray and lower it further. The low blood pressure magnifies the light headed, dizziness, my wonkie head. Poor me. Give my head that shake. Some of the top heart doctors in the country are aware of this. My file is marked urgent, they are working on the best plan of action. Here on earth I could not be in better hands. Be patient, don’t sweat it and they will get me through it all.
Right now there is so much going on I think I allowed to overwhelm me to some degree. In one of my deep thinking sessions, I decided to break all this down to it’s individual issues that are affecting me at this time, my symptoms.
OK, it takes a while to get out of bed. I have to do it slowly or the dizziness will put me on the floor. Huh, it is a bit of a nuisance but in the overall scheme of things, not that big a deal. OK, I have walk with a cane and hang on to things to not loose my balance. Well that is another big nuisance but I am still getting around so maybe that is not such a big deal.
Now the increased chest pain is a little harder to deal with. If I can use my nitro spray it will be gone in seconds. If I can’t use the spray, I know it will only last 15 or 20 minutes. Now really everything considered, that is not all that bad.
My out look has changed. Yes, I have crap going on but nothing I can’t easily deal with. Life is good

2 Responses to Learning to deal with life

  1. M T McGuire says:

    You are a star Bill. Have a hug to keep you chipper.



  2. Mel says:

    I’ve been playing catch up, reading about the journey you’re getting to do, marveling at what you’ve been able to gain perspective on–humbled at how my trivial stuff is….well, trivial!
    You continue to be my hero as you move to, yet another, “layer” of acceptance. It reminds me of the lessons I’ve learned and let slip through the cracks in my brain. Seems my brain is this sieve that important stuff drips out of. The further I get away from those moments of clarity, the foggier that stuff (of vital importance) becomes. *sigh* I need to be here, to be reminded of the miracles in life, like my body adjusting as I give it the moment or two it needs so it can carry me into the next gift that G-d has for me.
    I celebrate that you’re not wasting any more moments in the despair of what WAS, and that you’re simply taking what you need to move into that next minute, ya know?

    Pain is a great motivator, or a great defeator. I’d suppose we get to choose which we let it become, though I must admit, I’m not a great fan of pain. I don’t like that you’re experiencing it. I’m not wild about getting to do a measure of it myself. But I’ve known greater levels of it and I get to choose what I do with it. If I learn anything from you, let it be that I get this choice, every minute of every day. And that choice determines the quality of the life I have, today….this moment. I can change my mind any time I like, and change the quality…..just like that….regardless of the circumstances, regardless of the hour. That’s the gift of choice my Creator gave me.

    Thank you. For being my reminder, for improving the quality of MY life, every time I visit here.
    (((( Bill )))) Praying for you, thanking My Creator for your presence in my life.

    Mel my friend, great wisdom as always, thank you.
    Mel, please check your email. I am worried about you.

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