Lost my macho

I have been doing a lot of soul searching. For years now I have lived with the fact that the next heart attack is on the horizon. I know that one will put me down for the count. I may not have a tomorrow, now I certainly don’t like that idea but over time reached a level of acceptance. Dealing with ever decreasing physical limitations was almost my biggest struggle.
Yes, I had daily bouts of chest pain but my handy nitro spray controlled the majority of that. I have been told my heart, while it carried me through 5 heart attack will not be able to handle #6. I have so many blocked arteries when #6 hits, it is most likely I will just go down and that is it. In my mind anyway I came to expect it would just hit me like a bolt of lightening, and I am gone before I hit the floor. Now let’s face it none of us want to die but when that time comes my envisioned quick end would not be such a bad way to go.
Huh, it is not working out that way. My exit from this Earth is supposed to be quick and at least relatively pain free.
Now the heart failure, the heart attack on the horizon, none of that has changed. All that I am going through now is an entirely different heart issue. This new issue has options/procedures that can be done to treat or at least alleviating the physical affects it has on me especially the bone wilting fatigue and a lot of the pain.
But anything they do will be for quality of life not quantity.
Doing this soul searching I realized something, I am a whimp. I can face dying but throw in the pain and other symptoms as I have now and any macho I have left in me withers


6 Responses to Lost my macho

  1. Macho is a matter of perspective, and from mine as a lurker on your blog, you are one of the bravest people I’ve ever come across. Your ability to not only deal with your experiences the way you do with such a precise and directed strength and force of will, but to also convey your them to a wider audience with such amazing candor and gentleness sets an example for the rest of us to find in ourselves our own inner honesty and to reflect more on what makes the mode and direction of our own lives beautiful and worthwhile. That is the quality of a great man, both noble and strong, even if you don’t see it that way.

    I’ve taught myself to walk again twice in my life and have dealt with excruciating pain and disability caused by a dud of a spine since I was 8, and even then, I can only hope to take the frustrations and worries that arise from my own circumstance with an ounce of the grace and pragmatism that you do. We’re human, and we are pierced by our emotions sometimes. A purely warrior mindset with its fists constantly balled toward the aspects of our lives that are either uncertain or give us the greatest concern or even fear is not a prerequisite of courage. Your strength doesn’t need to scream out that it’s there 24 hours a day, because you are very strong, and a very mighty person from where I sit. And that part of you will rise to the surface very clearly for you and all to see when the time comes that it is needed.

    Hello Darryl and welcome to my blog. I am so glad you took the move from being a lurker and took the time to leave me your comment.
    I thank you for your kind words which I feel flattered, inspired and humbled all at the same time, especially coming from someone that has gone through all that you have.
    You, Sir are an inspiration. The courage and determination it must have taken to learn to walk again twice, while I can only imagine must have been incredible pain. That is inspirational, I tip my hat to you. I invite you to share more of your story with us.

  2. Dear Mr. Howdle,

    I agree with Darryl. You’re bravery lies in your ability to continually face the end and do so with poise and honesty. There is no shame in physical comfort. The emotional toll that your situation has on you seems like more of a burden than a person should have to bear. Death is so abstract to most of us, a shadow in the distance. You have inspired me to really rethink my own perspectives on my ultimate demise and really work on not taking life for granted. Thank you so much for sharing your journey and stay strong.

    David Glass

    Hello David, welcome to the blog, it is nice to hear from you. I thank you for your kind supportive words of encouragement. I struggle at times to “keep my head screwed on straight”. By that I mean, keeping my eye, my focus on the big picture of my life. I often have that human habit of getting mired in the circumstances of the moment. When I realize that I am doing that, “I give my head a shake” and concentrate my focus on the big picture and overall that big picture is a good one. For me I have come to realize the importance of maintaining that positive focus to maintain any quality of life. This is one of the big messages I am overall trying to deliver with this blog. If anything I have written is of any benefit to you or anyone, I feel I have accomplished my goal.
    Thank you and hope to hear from you again.

  3. M T McGuire says:

    What Darryl said! 😉 I am exactly like you in that before something happens when I’m thinking about it, I’m probably more afraid than while it’s happening. But like Darryl, and David, I believe that when the time comes,your strength will be there. Trust god. Trust yourself. It will be alright, I promise.

    Thinking of you,


    Thank you my friend. In my mind I know when I get to the point of having any procedure the doctors decide on, I will be fine, I am in God’s hands.
    Right now I have a bit of a struggle going on with the events of the moment. I just need a little time to adjust my thinking to my new reality and I will be back on track

  4. rangewriter says:

    You are no wimp! You are human. Non of us likes to feel miserable. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with one issue after another. Just playing wackamole with cascading problems would be enough to bring most mere mortals to their knees praying for an end to it all. You just do what is right for you. I hope less discomfort most of all.

    Thank you my friend you kind supportive words are always appreciated

  5. hilarymb says:

    Hi Bill – you are exceptionally strong mentally and physically … it’s just your heart is having its own way with you. You and Val deal with the physical and we hear about it through your posts and wonder at your abilities to manage and keep going …

    … yet more important to me/us … is that you’re able to reveal things to us that perhaps we might never hear about – if it weren’t for your regular postings. Your thoughts on your thoughts as you struggle on through … but you are giving your life here as long as it can … there’s still things to do and people to see …

    It must be tough and I certainly don’t envy you – but I do thank you and appreciate your blogging about the way you feel and the way you are coping, and your thoughts on the process …

    With many thanks to you both and your families … and as you say in a comment “you need a little time to adjust my thinking to my new reality and I will be back on track” … we will be here – cheers, if that can be appropriate?!, Hilary

    Thank you Hilary, your support and encouragement means a lot to me. I hope by sharing readers get a bit of a perspective of this big issue from the patients point of view. Or another patient finds a kindred spirit. It is a difficult journey with definite ups and downs. Try your best to keep your chin up and deal with things on a day by day basis.

  6. C says:

    Even Jesus stumbled and fell while carrying the Cross and He didn’t have a choice either. Even if He tried to put it down, someone would have thrown it right onto His back again.

    Suffering is a hard thing to face and I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. I don’t think any suffering is pointless. And look how far you’ve come despite everything that is happening to you. You’ve learned things other people may not know. You are teaching your doctors things as they treat you.

    You are amazing!

    Hello and welcome. I do thank you for your kind words of encouragement and support, vert up lifting.
    Not so sure about the amazing part but thank you.

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