Dying Man’s Daily Journal – so much time wasted

It seems like such a long time since I have posted. Actually started 4 or 5 different posts but seemed to run out of energy and they sit in the saved draft section.
I am so happy to say Vi is making a wonderful recovery from her surgery which was a tremendous success. She is walking pain free, something she was unable to do for a year and a half before that. I am so proud of her as she is making the most of it and doing her part to get even stronger and better than she was before. Vi, you go girl, I am proud of you. You went through hell, were a real trooper through it all and look at you now.
Now for me 2015 was a tough year. I am ashamed to admit I wasted so much precious time. I suppose one way to put it was I spent much of the year in a stressed out funk. It was a big learning experience for me. I thought I was pretty good at deflecting stress.
I have learned for me anyway that once I allow my mind to stray into that stressed out, fear or negativity filled area. I am less and less able to deflect even the little stresses. Even little things now add to the fire fuelling that negativity and it becomes an increasing downward spirals. I was off my game.
It sucks when you have no one to blame but yourself. I am totally responsible for how I act or react to any issue or situation. The blame laying game seems to be such a big part of life, we love to have someone or something to blame for what ever is happening in our lives. We get into the if only’s. It’s not my fault I feel this way, poor me. If only this or that had or hadn’t happened or if only he/she had or hadn’t done or not done this or that, I would feel so much better. By placing blame you are just taking on stress and avoiding taking responsibility for your own actions/reactions. We reduce our abilit to face down the issue, deal with it, let it go and move on.
Here is where I vent about 2015.
In Feb. Vi under went her first major surgery. It was a complete failure leaving her worse off than she was before. My brother Robin passed away as did my dear Aunt Isabel. Vi under went a second major surgery which was an absolute nightmare at the time.
Medically, A Fib a brand new heart condition came into play. An issue with the electrical wiring in the heart. Currently my resting heart rate is 120-130 beats per minute and is very irregular. It is along the lines of BEAT….beat, beat, beat…..BEAT, BEAT…….and on it goes.
Required blood transfusions for again another issue. Red blood cell count found to be about 1/2 what is considered normal. OK, this one has me on edge, potential implications, I don’t even want to think about. Colonoscopy and tube down the throat scheduled for this Friday. Low red blood cell count with no noticeable blood loss, geesh.
Was told by one doctor, so that I can realistically face the situation. I have to realize my time well could be measured in days or weeks not likely months. Now I have been told that in the past. Back then I felt much stronger physically and while hearing that hit me, within myself I felt strong and confident. Now I no longer have that same physical strength or emotional confidence. I feel worn out. Heart failure is a progressively degenerative, dealing with it for 12 years is taking its toll and catching up with me.
I remember the day of Vi’s second surgery. While Vi was actually on the operating table, I had an previously arranged appointment with the cardiologist. It was to discuss a procedure to deal with the A Fib. There is a procedure that can be done, waiting list is up to a year long. It will deal with the A Fib but do nothing for the heart failure issues. Usually they give me a little “pep” talk as I am leaving. Usually along the lines of, yes your time could be limited to days but hey you could have years. Get get out there and live.
I was back at the other hospital waiting for word on Vi when it hit me. The content of the “pep” had changed. It was still a good message but it had changed. No one knows how much time I have left but it is time to focus on quality of each day as opposed to quantity of days left. Enjoy each day as it comes, don’t worry about tomorrow. Maintain a positive outlook which in itself will carry you a long way. Avoid negative situations and people at this point. Anyone that would show anything but “warm fuzzy” feelings either doesn’t understand your situation or they just don’t care.
OK, I have taken about a 20 minute conversation and encapsulate the message to a few sentences. But, that was their message. Talked briefly about Vi being on the operating table as we were speaking and how stressed I was over that. Their response: Life is life situations will arise you can’t avoid. You deal with it in the best way you can. Try to stay positive, put your head down, move forward one step at a time and you get through it. Surround yourself with only positive, loving supportive people.

I found it ironic. Avoid stress and there I was sitting in the waiting room waiting for word on Vi’s surgery. You know of the complications that followed and the stress that went with it. For the past year I have had constant chest/heart pain at one level or another. Through that week pain was at a level that given any other circumstances would have sent me to the ER. I could not/would not do that. There was that period when we thought she had a heart attack. I know stress is a killer for cardiac patients. I was not going to be the cause of more stress to her if she learned I had in fact been hospitalized.
One of the hardest things for me to deal with, well except for the dying thing is the ever decreasing physical capabilities. ParArticularly, over the past couple of years doctor’s have been reducing my suggested physical activity. They know I have the constant chest pain. Now especially with the heart rate being so high. My activity level is to be mostly bed rest. Keep active with slow occasional walks around the house. I am to Use the pain level to determine activity level. If I feel the pain increasing stop and sit down. I walk from the garage to the house, pain level ramps up considerably and I need to use the nitro spray and just sit for 2 or 3 minutes to catch my breath.
I carry a lot of guilty feelings over not being able to help your mother more. I actually, mentioned this to them at the clinic. Now I appreciate they are sometimes a little melodramatic to make their point. They said: “is dusting the living room worth risking your life?” Hmm, point taken.
It is now the 6th. Day I have come and added a few lines to this post. Not even sure if I have kept to the same thought throughout. Hey it is my journal, I can post what I want. Time has passed so it is tomorrow I go for the colonoscopy and tube down the throat. Not worried about procedure, apprehensive about results.