Dying Man’s Daily Journal – so much time wasted


It seems like such a long time since I have posted. Actually started 4 or 5 different posts but seemed to run out of energy and they sit in the saved draft section.
I am so happy to say Vi is making a wonderful recovery from her surgery which was a tremendous success. She is walking pain free, something she was unable to do for a year and a half before that. I am so proud of her as she is making the most of it and doing her part to get even stronger and better than she was before. Vi, you go girl, I am proud of you. You went through hell, were a real trooper through it all and look at you now.
Now for me 2015 was a tough year. I am ashamed to admit I wasted so much precious time. I suppose one way to put it was I spent much of the year in a stressed out funk. It was a big learning experience for me. I thought I was pretty good at deflecting stress.
I have learned for me anyway that once I allow my mind to stray into that stressed out, fear or negativity filled area. I am less and less able to deflect even the little stresses. Even little things now add to the fire fuelling that negativity and it becomes an increasing downward spirals. I was off my game.
It sucks when you have no one to blame but yourself. I am totally responsible for how I act or react to any issue or situation. The blame laying game seems to be such a big part of life, we love to have someone or something to blame for what ever is happening in our lives. We get into the if only’s. It’s not my fault I feel this way, poor me. If only this or that had or hadn’t happened or if only he/she had or hadn’t done or not done this or that, I would feel so much better. By placing blame you are just taking on stress and avoiding taking responsibility for your own actions/reactions. We reduce our abilit to face down the issue, deal with it, let it go and move on.
Here is where I vent about 2015.
In Feb. Vi under went her first major surgery. It was a complete failure leaving her worse off than she was before. My brother Robin passed away as did my dear Aunt Isabel. Vi under went a second major surgery which was an absolute nightmare at the time.
Medically, A Fib a brand new heart condition came into play. An issue with the electrical wiring in the heart. Currently my resting heart rate is 120-130 beats per minute and is very irregular. It is along the lines of BEAT….beat, beat, beat…..BEAT, BEAT…….and on it goes.
Required blood transfusions for again another issue. Red blood cell count found to be about 1/2 what is considered normal. OK, this one has me on edge, potential implications, I don’t even want to think about. Colonoscopy and tube down the throat scheduled for this Friday. Low red blood cell count with no noticeable blood loss, geesh.
Was told by one doctor, so that I can realistically face the situation. I have to realize my time well could be measured in days or weeks not likely months. Now I have been told that in the past. Back then I felt much stronger physically and while hearing that hit me, within myself I felt strong and confident. Now I no longer have that same physical strength or emotional confidence. I feel worn out. Heart failure is a progressively degenerative, dealing with it for 12 years is taking its toll and catching up with me.
I remember the day of Vi’s second surgery. While Vi was actually on the operating table, I had an previously arranged appointment with the cardiologist. It was to discuss a procedure to deal with the A Fib. There is a procedure that can be done, waiting list is up to a year long. It will deal with the A Fib but do nothing for the heart failure issues. Usually they give me a little “pep” talk as I am leaving. Usually along the lines of, yes your time could be limited to days but hey you could have years. Get get out there and live.
I was back at the other hospital waiting for word on Vi when it hit me. The content of the “pep” had changed. It was still a good message but it had changed. No one knows how much time I have left but it is time to focus on quality of each day as opposed to quantity of days left. Enjoy each day as it comes, don’t worry about tomorrow. Maintain a positive outlook which in itself will carry you a long way. Avoid negative situations and people at this point. Anyone that would show anything but “warm fuzzy” feelings either doesn’t understand your situation or they just don’t care.
OK, I have taken about a 20 minute conversation and encapsulate the message to a few sentences. But, that was their message. Talked briefly about Vi being on the operating table as we were speaking and how stressed I was over that. Their response: Life is life situations will arise you can’t avoid. You deal with it in the best way you can. Try to stay positive, put your head down, move forward one step at a time and you get through it. Surround yourself with only positive, loving supportive people.

I found it ironic. Avoid stress and there I was sitting in the waiting room waiting for word on Vi’s surgery. You know of the complications that followed and the stress that went with it. For the past year I have had constant chest/heart pain at one level or another. Through that week pain was at a level that given any other circumstances would have sent me to the ER. I could not/would not do that. There was that period when we thought she had a heart attack. I know stress is a killer for cardiac patients. I was not going to be the cause of more stress to her if she learned I had in fact been hospitalized.
One of the hardest things for me to deal with, well except for the dying thing is the ever decreasing physical capabilities. ParArticularly, over the past couple of years doctor’s have been reducing my suggested physical activity. They know I have the constant chest pain. Now especially with the heart rate being so high. My activity level is to be mostly bed rest. Keep active with slow occasional walks around the house. I am to Use the pain level to determine activity level. If I feel the pain increasing stop and sit down. I walk from the garage to the house, pain level ramps up considerably and I need to use the nitro spray and just sit for 2 or 3 minutes to catch my breath.
I carry a lot of guilty feelings over not being able to help your mother more. I actually, mentioned this to them at the clinic. Now I appreciate they are sometimes a little melodramatic to make their point. They said: “is dusting the living room worth risking your life?” Hmm, point taken.
It is now the 6th. Day I have come and added a few lines to this post. Not even sure if I have kept to the same thought throughout. Hey it is my journal, I can post what I want. Time has passed so it is tomorrow I go for the colonoscopy and tube down the throat. Not worried about procedure, apprehensive about results.

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9 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – so much time wasted

  1. Fairyflutterings says:

    I check your blog every day Bill and had a strong sense that life was tough right now as the days went by without a new entry but somehow I found I didn’t need a new update to feel your presence and a sense of being connected with you and Vi. I hope you realise what a special gift that sense of connection is and how it has come about through your honesty, your humour, your wisdom and the kindness that come through in each of your posts. So, from someone who is facing her own death without the love of a family, I simply send you a huge but not too tight hug saturated with love and thanks for giving me a virtual family as my own life story enters its final chapters and ask that you continue to take care of you xxx
    Hi, so nice to hear from you. You have been missed my friend. I thank you for the kind words. Your words mean a lot to me. I also feel a sense of connection with you and other dear blogging friends.
    I invite you to share/re share your story.
    Bill

    • Mel says:

      (((( the fairy )))) I wonder if you know how that simple gratitude, spoken in love, spreads. Makes me wanna just shush and LOVE. After all, LOVE trumps everything.

      Thank you.

  2. Annette says:

    Hello Bill, I wish you the best of luck tomorrow. I think about you and Vi often; always sending warm, loving, and healing thoughts. Big hug and I wish I could come over and dust your living room! Much love, Annette

    Hi Annette, this is such a pleasant surprise. It is so very nice to hear from you. I think of you often and always with warm thoughts. Have sent positive prayers your way many times. It would be nice to catch up. Please check your email in the next few days.
    Bill

  3. lypenner says:

    Bill so glad to hear from you! I’m so grateful, with you, to hear of Vi’s terrific progress. It I can be difficult to remember we are more than our bodies, especially when pain and limits seem so prominent. I think your life is an example of: “strength in weakness”. God kept you alive during Vi’s difficult days. God keeps you surrounded by love and even the will to keep writing is an example of God’s strength in weakness. There are people praying for you both daily. You are more than what ails you. Love will always be stronger than anything negative. I’m rambling here too, but wanted to send many loving thoughts your way. And I will continue to hold you in my prayers. You’re not alone. Keep up the hope.

    Lydia, my dear friend, I thank you so very much for your kind words of loving support. It means a lot to me.
    I got a chuckle out when you used the word ramble as I so often use it to describe my own writing. Please feel free to ramble on as much as you wish. Your words are always appreciated.
    Bill

  4. M T McGuire says:

    Good to hear from you Bill. Delighted with the news about Vi but I’m sorry that life is hard work for you. Last year… well, I guess you can console yourself with the fact that a year like you just had would be enough to stress anyone. I’m sorry you are in pain because I know that is really tiring – without all the heart implications that go with which must also make you even more tired.

    Try not to stress about helping out. Let it go. All the folks around you care about is that they get to enjoy your presence for as long as possible. Trust me on this. My Dad is in a pretty parlous state, but he’s still my Dad and he feels bad, but us, we just want him around. All the best with the procedures, I will think of you and pray for you and I hope the results are good.

    Lots of love

    MTM

    Ahh, BC my friend so good to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear of yor Dad’s precarious condition. Prayers and warm thought being sent your way.
    I should clarify the pain thing. Yes, I have constant pain but it is a low grade pain. On the 1 to 10 scale it is about a 1. Three or four times a day it go up to maybe a 5 on that scale but the nitro spray quickly brings it down. I find I need to focus on some sort of “mind control”. Pain level is easily bearable. If I allow my mind to dwell on the fact this pain is in fact heart pain, it can seem to even magnify the pain level. There is no denial here. The pain is there it is real. Try my best to just ignor it and it is much easier to deal with.
    Be good to yourself my friend
    Bill

  5. C says:

    Take it day by day is the best way to do it. You can’t make tomorrow come faster and you can’t run back to yesterday. But NOW is as good a time as any! πŸ™‚

    Hello C and welcome to the blog. Thank you for taking the time to share these excellent words of advice. Words to live our lives by
    Bill

  6. Mel says:

    “It sucks when you have no one to blame but yourself. I am totally responsible for how I act or react to any issue or situation.”

    Yep, it DOES suck to have no one but yourself to blame. Gone are the days when I gave myself permission, blindly believing I was entitled……cuz if YOU had MY life—
    *sigh* Oh what ignorance did for me….and how it cost everyone around me.
    Man, I still remember how hard they tried to get me to see if I wanted different I had to do different….
    Didn’t they understand there was nothing to DO different?! The circumstances just were. I couldn’t CHANGE them.
    Choose my attitude? Stay miserable for as long as I wanted?!
    “THEY” didn’t get it.

    I didn’t get it. It took me a long time to find the “freedom” that came with taking responsibility for my actions AND my attitude. I was a pro at escaping responsibility. It took time to change that defect of character in me. Sometimes it still rears its ugly head. I still can give myself permission…..not to blame, but to excuse, cuz if you had my problems/issues/limitations/physical maladies etc…,
    You’ve known me long enough to know I can STILL pull off a good whine. I’m a pro! LOL…the good news is today I know I’m doing it. And if you just let me dump the garbage filling my head, there’ll be “I’m pulling up my big girl panties and dealing now!!!” that follows.

    The past while hasn’t been an easy stint for you, Bill. And if you’ve let yourself indulge in a bit of whining (weak, compared mine I must say..LOL) it’s always (underline ALWAYS!) been followed up with personal responsibility, always focused on personal responsibility for your attitude. But there’s been that underlying heaviness that I “read” here..It’s more of a “feel” than anything, but it’s been there–maybe it’s from how long I’ve called this a safe haven and how I’ve come to know you. Perhaps it’s simply that emotional struggle that comes to ANYONE that’s getting to wade through loss: loss of loved ones, loss of job, loss of identity, loss of physical capabilities….loss of control… There’s been a mixture of all of that which you’ve had to contend with. Honestly, I’da tossed my hands up to the heavens and informed the Big Guy that He had me confused with Superwoman and to give me a flipping break! It’s my opinion ( which you’ve not asked for but are getting…LOL!!) that you’ve done a stand up job of “dealing” for some time. And maybe it’s time to give yourself a break and just feel what you feel, do what you need to do to move through it all and “turn the rest over”. It’s what I know works–and it’s the best I can offer. I know the end result of doing those things….some relief, squiggle room for more joy to enter, more freedom from the heaviness which frees me up to feel what I feel, to do what I need to do to move through it and turn some more over to the Big Guy…..and around we go again…LOL…cuz LIFE happens, loss happens.
    It’s easier for me to choose my attitude when I have that bit of squiggle room, yaknow?

    You’ve carried a load for some time. You don’t haffta keep doing that.
    LOL. I know you know that. Just felt a need to remind you of it! πŸ˜‰

    How’s that for a novel?!
    Hahaha…some things don’t change, eh?! πŸ˜‰

    Mel, as always your words contain great wisdom and you really have come to know me well. Your advice is always welcome. Mel, I have a lot more to share and will return to do that. Off to see the neurologist. You feel a heaviness, you are right. I will explain more this afternoon or tomorrow.
    Thank you my friend
    Bill

    • Mel says:

      (((( Bill )))) Love ya hugely and just want whatever is best for YOU right now, ya know?

      I’m pretty confident that I speak for the whole community when I say that.

      Thank you Mel. Working on a post full of what my inner feeling are. Hard to describe, hard to admit

      • Mel says:

        You’ve had this ‘system’ for sharing yourself here for a long time, Bill. You quiet your thoughts, surrender, and pray for guidance …and then you simply put your fingers to the keyboard and let it happen. It’s worked for you as long as I’ve known you.
        I doubt it will fail you now. *hugs*
        Praying for you and Vi….

        Mel, you are right. I have never claimed to be a writer, I am a rambler. I do the little routine you mentioned and let it come. Why am I suddenly trying to change. Back to my style, let the thoughts and feelings come and flow out as they will. Will have something up tomorrow.
        Thank you for this reminder
        Bill

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