Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My time at the Memorial

On Thursday we drove to Dauphin to attend the Memorial Service for my brother. I have to admit the emotions of the whole thing had me pretty stressed. I lost a younger brother, which in itself is difficult. It also hit me in two other ways. First off I suppose you could call it a reality check as thoughts of my own mortality certainly came up. I have been living on “borrowed time” for literally years now. For this I am so very grateful but I can feel my body is wearing down and I do know that time is running out. Now this makes no sense even to me so I certainly can’t expect anyone else to understand. For years now, with my heart condition for which nothing can be done, it has been “sort of expected” I would be the next to die. Not my younger brother for whom there was a life saving treatment plan in place. Why would it be him and not me.

The trip to Dauphin is about  3 1/2 hour drive. Now about the last 90 minutes of that drive is nothing but farmland and bush. A few small towns but none that would have medical facilities such as I would need. So we are more than an hour away when chest pain came on. Used my nitro spray which eased but did eliminate the pain. With in a short while pain came back but stronger. Repeated this process 5 times over that hour. On finally arriving in Dauphin went straight to the hospital where I was treated by a very top notch team doctors and nurses. With in minutes I was receiving both morphine and a stress reducing medication. Within maybe 30 minutes I was in the drug induced “happy land” very relaxed and dozed on and off for most of the afternoon, completely stress and worry free.

i had made it clear on arriving at the hospital. I had to be at the Memorial Service at 7:30 and that was how much time they had to get me going. Long story short as the time came, it was strongly suggested I do not attend because of the emotions and additional stress that would bring on. I was going to speak at the service and at minimum I should pass on that. OK, I agreed to the not speaking part. But this was just to important to me that not being there was not a consideration. They kept me to the very last minute. An IV port was left in my arm covered with gauze but off I went. Because of timing I didn’t have time to change clothes and went in the shorts and old shirt I had been wearing for the drive up.

important thing was I made it. As I lay in the hospital bed I realized there were two reasons I had to get there. First the obvious, out of respect for my brother, to offer support to his wife and kids and to say some sort if good bye. Another reason came to mind. This was Robin’s day. All thoughts and feelings should be directed to him and to supporting his wife and kids. I did not want any thought or worry about me being in the hospital to in anyway take away from that. I am so very glad I got there.

2 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – My time at the Memorial

  1. Nancy Cavanaugh (NSC) says:

    Oh my Goodness, Bill. Many of your readers were wondering how your day was going and how you were handling it all. I am glad that you were able to do what you wanted to do and honor your brother. Good thoughts and Prayers! NSC

    Thank you so very much

  2. Mel says:

    Oh my goodness is right! Holy cow…..talk about a scary experience. *sigh* It all turned out as it was suppose to–but I gotta tell ya, reading how that adventure played out had me rocking back and forth in my chair. I’m grateful for how it all turned out–G-d really DOES take excellent care of you, sir. When I think about the ‘coulda’s’ in that situation–obviously scary.

    I’m glad you were able to attend, donning shorts and all. And it sounds like there were some moments in the memorial that spoke of your brother well. I’m glad for that.
    I’m equally glad that G-d had His hand in on your comings and goings and keeping you safe. Had to be scary to witness and experience, knowing how far you were from medical interventions. Goodness what an experience.

    And here’s where I say to your “why him and not me” question: A. There’s a great plan. B. G-d has a usefulness for you, right where you are today.
    Refer back to A. when you have another WHY..
    It’s not a painless answer–but it’s an answer that I know you trust and embrace when your hearts not hurting (literally and figuratively).

    Trust the process–and know that I’m relieved you got to attend the memorial service, shorts and all.
    And I’m praying for you and Vi–and for Robin’s family.
    You’ve all had a loss that’s shaken you. It’s time to regroup and find rest in knowing that you’re loved and being prayed for and thought about.
    (((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))))))

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