Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Survivor Guilt

This is a difficult post for me to write. Emotionally, I am really struggling.

There are things I need to get off my chest. Past experience has taught me right here is the best place to do it. This past few days has really shown how you life can change in but a blink of the eye.

we left town for but a day. I was a grandpa going to get snuggles from a 2 year old little princess. For a grandpa there is nothing more wonderful than laying on a couch with a little princess laying on your chest all snuggled in. I was in grandpa Heaven. We drove back to the city and I am still floating up on cloud 9, life is so good.

We had been home but minutes and the hammer fell. I got a call telling me my younger brother had passed. This was so unexpected, a total shock. Now it was well known he had a very serious heart condition, needing a valve replacement. This was complicated in that his existing valve had crystallized making regular open heart surgery just to risky. Doctors explained there were 2 other much less risky ways in which this could be done. It was just a matter of deciding which was the preferred way. Countless tests were done to help them decide on the best route. All was finally decided and a surgery date was even set, July 17th.. The surgeon was confident after the surgery, he would feel like he did 15 years ago.
I am really struggling right now. Is it survivor guilt or something I don’t know. Struggling that I lost a brother. But also struggling in that this was supposed to be me that dies.
For years now it has been made clear there is nothing more that can be done for me. I was told I am down to days, maybe weeks but not months, that was about 1 1/2 years ago. Yet some how here I am.
For Robin, there was something that could be done. Yet, here I sit working on his obituary.

4 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Survivor Guilt

  1. portal001 says:

    I’m sorry to read about the loss of your brother. I’ll be praying for you and your family

    Thank you so much

  2. Mary says:

    So Sorry to hear about your Brother….R.I.P. Robin. Many prayers for you and family. Condolences! Take care Bill.

    Thank you Mary

  3. M T McGuire says:

    I am so sorry to hear of your brother’s death. It must be hard and for what it’s worth I should imagine that feeling it should be you is absolutely natural. I am sure you would feel it, even if you weren’t ill, yourself. My brother in law died a couple of years ago and I know there were times when both the other two brothers felt almost guilty at still being around. It’s only natural, especially when someone dies unexpectedly. Also, the fact he was ill but had a cure lined up is bound to make it harder for you, when you take into account where you are on that score.

    When I rail against fate – which I often do – my Mum always tells me that everything happens for a reason. I don’t know if that helps, but it’s something I always hang onto.

    God bless. My thoughts and prayers go with you.

    MTM (aka BC).

    Thank you. Some how it just doesn’t make sense or seem fair. I agree that everything happens for a reason. One day possibly I will understand this

  4. Mel says:

    ((((( Bill ))))))) I’m (obviously) a bit late learning about the loss of your brother. And I’m very sorry to hear of his passing.
    I think it’s very normal to shake your fist at the Big Guy and remind him what the plans were to be. I just don’t think that’ll change the course of His plan–obviously it did not.
    I trust that all things happen for a reason. And I do that fairly well until those ‘things’ directly impact ME. THEN I’m in for a good faultering……I want things to ‘make sense’ and demand the Big Guy gives me an explanation. *sigh* Last time I tried that I got a “My child is angry and that’s okay…..” And I got a gentle nudge–just as I’ll nudge you. The WHY won’t matter when you get to go home to G-d.
    All things do happen as they’re meant to.
    And I do believe that there’s a usefulness for you, as is, today. And maybe a part of that usefulness was about reaching into my heart and reminding me how graced I am that I GET to be on the planet today, yaknow?
    I’m glad you’re still enough of a spitfire that you made that memorial and came out the other side ‘okay’ (as ‘okay’ as you can be under the circumstances).
    It’s okay to be sad–you lost your brother.
    It’s gonna take some time for you to grieve that loss. But you will. And in that grief know that there are people who love you and care about you deeply.
    (count me in on that, tyvm!)

    Mel, my dear friend, so very nice to see you back. You have been so missed. I have read all of your comments for which I thank you so much. As always so much wisdom in each. I thank you tour words always cause me to pause, think and so often affect or even change my attitude. You have done it again and I thank you

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