I am finding going back and reading my post from back at the very beginning to be very helpful. I like to stand chin up, shoulders squared and face things head on. When I wrote this I was about a 1 1/2 years into the “2 years if you are lucky” time frame given by the doctor. I was standing tall, ready to face what ever was coming. By the grace go God that 2 year time left to period came and went and I am still here. As more time progressed, I realize I became more and more cocky. When I was young and foolish I thought I was tough and “bullet proof”. In the time since I have had several “close calls” with let’s just say doctors becoming less and less optimistic. I realize I have allowed that to wear away at me. I am still standing ready to face what ever is coming. But, maybe shoulders aren’t quite as square and chin may be down a little. Reading this early stuff shows me how I have grown in areas but maybe faltering a little in others
I have had a about a year and a half to get used to this dying thing. But, I don’t think you can get used to the idea, I am going to die soon, unless you grow both inside as a person and spiritually. When I first was told by the doctors that I am dying, I spent a period where I was angry. Angry at myself for not taking better care of my health, and even angry at God. Why me, I am a good person, why would God let this happen to me. Some where along the line a realization came to me. Yes, I am what I consider to be a good person, but so are the millions or others out there that are dying. What gave me the right to assume I would get treated any differently than any of them. I believe in a loving and a fair God. A God that loves all of his children. His children being absolutely everyone on this earth. Does,God love me in a way stronger and more pure than anything I can hope to imagine, Yes. Does God consider me to be special and unique, Yes. Does God love me or consider me to be more special than anyone else in this world, No.
God, loves all of his children equally, with the same pure love for all, irregardless or race, colour, sex or anything else. I realized, it was pretty arrogant of me to expect that I should be treated any differently than anyone else. What makes me think I am so special as to receive perefential treatment. Am I loved by God and have I received special treatment from him, absolutely. Can I or should I expect to receive pereffential treatment above all others, No. So I guess the answer to my question why me, is why not me.
That is a humbling realization. I have never considered myself to be superior to anyone else, nor have I ever considered anyone else to be superior to me. What could possibly make God see me any differently? I have come to accept what ever God has in store for me, I am in his hands. When it is obvious that it is inevitable, acceptance is the greatest comfort.