I have been away from the blog for a few days. I appreciate all comments. I value the thoughts of my blogging friends. As I read them last evening, I admit to being taken by surprise or off guard by some. But, that is always a good thing. It makes pause and think. Instead of responding to them individually, I am putting up this post addressing those thoughts.
As I think of it, I realize my posts of late have been more on the “dark side”. Reading these I can understand how it may thought my general thinking or daily way of life has turned in that direction. It has not. I am a very lucky man and I do know and appreciate that. I love life, I love and appreciate my life every moment of it. Now having said that I know I have my days.
As I think on it, one of the biggest changes has been in how I use the blog. Many, many times and to many people I have invited them to use the blog as a forum to get feelings out. That is, I realize more what I have been doing. Hey, it is my journal And I suppose I am venting the thoughts and feelings of that moment. I know none of my immediate family read the blog unless I point out something specific to them. That being the case this is my safe place to let it all hang out.
Now as mu vas I appreciate life, I know I do have those times and I am having them more often. Feelings of sadness, regret at times getting right to the woe is me stage. A doctor pointed out to me, as you prepare for your own pending passing you go through a period of mourning. Mourning your own passing.
now is this something I dwell on all day, absolutely not. I live life, I make the best of every moment. I can be carrying on happy as a clam. It can be something as simple as a song on the radio and it can trigger something and those feelings come rushing in. Usually, I can refocus my thinking fairly quickly.
Now, I have been dealing with all of this for over 10 years now. For reasons only known to Him, the good Lord has granted me all this extra time for which I am so very grateful. I guess I am greedy, no matter how much extra time I have I will always want more.
i am extremely reluctant to compare myself to a cancer patient. Cancer is such a terrible disease. My heart thoughts and prayers go out to all. What they endure is immeasurably harsher than anything I experience. That is not even like comparing apples and oranges, more like comparing an orange with an elephant. The only possible comparable would that ultimately the end result is the same.
I have had these extra years and I really have tried to make the most of them, my life is good. I don’t imagine I will ever reach the point of being satisfied with the amount of time. It will never be enough.
I look back over this past 10 years and can think of 5 separate times when things medically seemed especially dire. I was told my time was very short. With I am sure the help of Our Heavenly Father somehow I managed to dodge the bullet and carry on. Maybe a little worse for wear but still carry on, in spite of the dire medical wisdom. Each of those episodes shook me up but I got over it and a wonderful life carried on. As dear blogging friend Mel puts it, getting more and more cocky as more time passed. then seemingly out of no where something would happen. After each of these words from the doctors became more serious. I don’t know, could this be somewhat comparable to a cancer patient going into remission only to have it flare up again and have this happen over and over? Here I am talking of the mental and emotional stress.
The last medical guestimate gave me days maybe weeks but not months. That was like a year ago and here I am still plugging away. Still making my best effort to get as much as I can out of each day. I have come to realize my best effort can vary from day to day, but that is life.
a thought just hit me as I am sitting here. I have been checking more into the brain tumour. It is located in the area that controls impulsivity . As I think I realize virtually all of my posts are put up containing my thoughts of the moment. Hmm, have to think about that