Living my life


I have been away from the blog for a few days. I appreciate all comments. I value the thoughts of my blogging friends. As I read them last evening, I admit to being taken by surprise or off guard by some. But, that is always a good thing. It makes pause and think. Instead of responding to them individually, I am putting up this post addressing those thoughts.

As I think of it, I realize my posts of late have been more on the “dark side”. Reading these I can understand how it may thought my general thinking or daily way of life has turned in that direction. It has not. I am a very lucky man and I do know and appreciate that. I love life, I love and appreciate my life every moment of it. Now having said that I know I have my days.

As I think on it, one of the biggest changes has been in how I use the blog. Many, many times and to many people I have invited them to use the blog as a forum to get feelings out. That is, I realize more what I have been doing. Hey, it is my journal And I suppose I am venting the thoughts and feelings of that moment. I know none of my immediate family read the blog unless I point out something specific to them. That being the case this is my safe place to let it all hang out.

Now as mu vas I appreciate life, I know I do have those times and I am having them more often. Feelings of sadness, regret at times getting right to the woe is me stage. A doctor pointed out to me, as you prepare for your own pending passing you go through a period of mourning. Mourning your own passing.

now is this something I dwell on all day, absolutely not. I live life, I make the best of every moment. I can be carrying on happy as a clam. It can be something as simple as a song on the radio and it can trigger something and those feelings come rushing in. Usually, I can refocus my thinking fairly quickly.

Now, I have been dealing with all of this for over 10 years now. For reasons only known to Him, the good Lord has granted me all this extra time for which I am so very grateful. I guess I am greedy, no matter how much extra time I have I will always want more.

i am extremely reluctant to compare myself to a cancer patient. Cancer is such a terrible disease. My heart thoughts and prayers go out to all. What they endure is immeasurably harsher than anything I experience. That is not even like comparing apples and oranges, more like comparing an orange with an elephant. The only possible comparable would that ultimately the end result is the same.

I have had these extra years and I really have tried to make the most of them, my life is good. I don’t imagine I will ever reach the point of being satisfied with the amount of time. It will never be enough.

I look back over this past 10 years and can think of 5 separate times when things medically seemed especially dire. I was told my time was very short. With I am sure the help of Our Heavenly Father somehow I managed to dodge the bullet and carry on. Maybe a little worse for wear but still carry on, in spite of the dire medical wisdom. Each of those episodes shook me up but I got over it and a wonderful life carried on. As dear blogging friend Mel puts it, getting more and more cocky as more time passed. then seemingly out of no where something would happen. After each of these words from the doctors became more serious. I don’t know, could this be somewhat comparable to a cancer patient going into remission only to have it flare up again and have this happen over and over? Here I am talking of the mental and emotional stress.

The last medical guestimate gave me days maybe weeks but not months. That was like a year ago and here I am still plugging away. Still making my best effort to get as much as I can out of each day. I have come to realize my best effort can vary from day to day, but that is life.

a thought just hit me as I am sitting here. I have been checking more into the brain tumour. It is located in the area that controls impulsivity . As I think I realize virtually all of my posts are put up containing my thoughts of the moment. Hmm, have to think about that

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6 Responses to Living my life

  1. methenandnow says:

    I love what you write. I love the way you write. I think you should keep going.

    Thank you, the world isn’t rid of me yet. My ramblings will continue for as long as I can
    Bill

  2. M T McGuire says:

    I think living each day as it comes is a pretty good maxim for anyone’s life, dying or not. It’s understandable that it’s hard sometimes but I’m glad to hear that the sad patches, however necessary, are short lived.

    Cheers

    MTM

    Hey there my friend and thank you. Thoughts come, I deal with the feelings and let them go. Not always as quickly as I would like but I do let them go and get back as best I can to my good life.
    Bill

  3. Hilary says:

    Hi Bill – we all have different takes on life … I’m not ill, but I look at life somewhat differently now – seeing and being with two of my elderlies leaving this life … one an unknown time, the other once the cancer kicked in, the time clock ticked very quickly.

    I can totally see the why me scenario, but we’re all alive – for however long and in whichever state we’re in … if we’re happy or at least accepting our lives then those around us can be at ease.

    Your thoughts and your readers comments have been extremely good to read – we, those of us left with no apparent ‘dead’line, are able to mull through the meaning to us – I’ve continued to learn lots and will remain doing so …

    Thanks for expressing your thoughts – we all have bad days … but we all pull ourselves up by our bootstraps somehow .. and you certainly do that – yet keep us engaged with your life, while helping us understand it too …

    With thoughts and an easy Spring .. it’s just so lovely now it’s here .. Hilary

    Thank you, Hilary. Your thoughts and support are appreciated
    Bill

  4. Noel says:

    Very well said. I admire your dedication and very much enjoy this blog. Keep writing.

    Thank you

  5. Mel says:

    Yaknow, sir…I have a web log. (LOL. OF COURSE ya know…you visit!) And on any given day there’s a snippet about Mel’s life, somewhere in the rambling. But it’s just a snippet….a bit…a tiny
    particle of what’s floating around in my brain that I feel like putting in black and white. I think it’s obvious I don’t pause to pray about what I’m putting up there. I let ‘fingers to keyboard’ happen cuz it’s good ‘therapy’ for me.
    Obviously I can appear like some ruminating, whiny, crybaby…LOL. And sometimes I even put THAT in black and white!! But, that 2 minutes of whining isn’t my WHOLE LIFE. Himself tells me I’m a short whine and then I’m good for the whole day. LOL
    It’s a snippet…a wee part of the whole deal. Other times I can appear like an egomaniac on the loose…ROFL…that’s probably more accurate!! But again…it’s just a snippet.

    Someone once told me “You are not the sum of your thoughts” and AMEN to that!! LOL. Neither are you. Your personality shines through in your snippets. So I don’t want you taking us or LIFE too darn seriously.
    People care about you, want you to be having fun and enjoying every minute….and are just as greedy about wanting more time for you….for US. (Yup…LOL…greedy!!)

    We’re all gonna have moments–days even. I’ve had a few moments on here with you, myself. Moments when the words and realities for you smack me in the face and I feel compelled to make sure you know how much you’ve affected my life, what you’ve brought to it, how much you MATTER. See, I can get cocky and ‘forget’ that I have limited time with YOU. (So…see…it happens to the best of us!!LOL)

    I guess I’ll say it again..it’s a snippet, Bill. And it’s cuz you matter to us that folks get worried for you on occasion. It’s okay that it happens….people CARE about you.
    I know I’ve not seen anything ‘alarming’, anything that would prompt me to hit a flurry of emails in your direction to find out what’s going on. I see you being sad about some of the losses you and Vi are getting to contend with…and worried about Vi, naturally. But I don’t see the ‘impulsivity’….the best source to answer that would be Vi, no doubt.
    I do see you stretching me to think, to pause and reflect, to ask myself some questions and then decide how I want to act on the thoughts….but you’ve always done that for me, sir. And I’m horribly grateful for that.

    *hugs!!*
    (You can borrow my mantra for today if you like…it’s really simple: “Let go. Breathe. It’ll be okay.”) 🙂
    Hey Mel, I am officially adopting your mantra.
    Thank you for helping me clarify within my own head, the thoughts of snippets of time. My life is good, I am a very lucky a very blessed man.
    Mel, my friend you have been here with me since virtually the beginning. How many times have I said: live life, don’t just endure it. That is what I suppose you could call the big mantra of my life.
    Within anyone’s life will be those snippets of time. Yes, I experience them.
    Maybe, it is because I do have such a good life, when those moments hit. They do seem to be hitting me harder. I am certainly not giving up, I have a lot of living left to do and to enjoy.

  6. simplicianot says:

    I like to apologize if I hurt your feelings Bill,by all means this was not my intention.It just makes me so sad to hear you talk about death all the time.Thats all I was trying to say.I guess we live way different lives even tho I have the same problem with time as you do.I was supposed. To be dead twelve years ago and five times close to death within those twelve years.I used to have pitty party’s and was totally depressed for the first two years.I used to think about death all the time and it scared the heck out of me.I saw how sad my family became because of me,we also have seven grandchildren and I ask the good Lord for help to get me out of this dump I was in!
    It took a while but I got through it and I haven’t been thinking about dying anymore for many years now.I don’t think about the time I have left and so far God still isn’t done with me yet.
    Again Bill, so sorry if I hurt you in any way!!
    May The Lord Bless you and Vi.

    Hi Beatrice. Not to worry my friend. I commend you on your strong attitude in the way you life your life. I assure you to the most part, I do the same.
    Your comment was good for me to read. Yes, it did surprise me. I suppose it did bother me a little for a whole 5 or 10 minutes.
    I do appreciate all comments. I know that so very often they contain far more wisdom than I could ever hope for. I read it 4 or 5 times. I slowly got off my high horse as I began to realize that over time I have allowed what was intended to be the focus or purpose for the blog had escaped me. I needed this reminder thank you.
    Yes, I write about death and dying. But for a reason and I can see how my posts of late do not reflect that.
    Your comments are always appreciated
    Bill

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