Needing Change


A week our so ago, through the Wellness Centre, I met with a psychologist. It was an eye opener, got my thinking going in a different direction. Better put, it made me realize really where I am “in my head” in dealing with this whole thing.
Slowly over time some how I have allowed much of my thinking/thoughts about my situation to drift in totally the wrong direction. It is sort of thing that sneaks up on you so gradually, I didn’t even realize it.
How many times have I written or had others comment: “you are not defined by your illness.”
OK, as recently as last week, I have heard the you are dying words come out of a doctors mouth in a very blunt manner. I know that and have for years. I have even had a doctor call me his miracle patient, statistically I should not likely be here. The fact of the matter is I am not a statistic, I am Bill Howdle a very much alive person and I intend to remain that way.
This is hard to describe in a way that makes sense even to me.
I realized though I have allowed my thinking to drift towards seeing myself just as a dying man and living my life accordingly. Statistically that may be correct but I don’t have to live my life being controlled or over taken by that thought.
I don’t think I am in any sort of denial. I know I might not have this afternoon but that doesn’t mean I can’t live this morning.
I am making a few changes. No longer will I be titling each post with the words “dying man’s daily journal. Going forward it will be more about living. It is a start anyway

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8 Responses to Needing Change

  1. hilarymb says:

    Hi Bill – that makes absolute sense .. so pleased – it will be great to read the daily positives … yet your take on your journey is/has been interesting … and helpful …

    Cheers and here’s to happy days ahead – Hilary

  2. Joan B says:

    so glad to read this!

  3. Jackie says:

    Bill, you know better than anyone else that there can be joy and happiness as one faces the end of their life, no matter when it comes. I think it is wonderful that you have had this shift. You have taken it from the negative to the positive and to that I say…congrats and here is to living today with as much joy and happiness as you can- making it Your Well Finished Life.

  4. Cat says:

    I love this post!

    The fact of the matter is I am not a statistic, I am Bill Howdle a very much alive person and I intend to remain that way.

    YES!!

    I don’t think I am in any sort of denial. I know I might not have this afternoon but that doesn’t mean I can’t live this morning.

    YES YES YES!!

  5. Jennie says:

    This post surprised me Bill, because I’ve always thought your blog *has* been more about about living than dying.

    Maybe facing the dying part makes the living part more precious and urgent?

    What is it with these doctors who feel compelled to tell you that’s you’re dying all the freakin time?!? Don’t they know the title of your blog? (Your blog which is approaching half a million hits BTW).

    Hi Jennie, nice to hear from you. In fairness it is only one doctor that seems to feel the need to remind us of that fact. “We need to keep things realistic”. I said us as Vi was going into all appointments with me (memory guy). It is all harder on her. She will no longer be going with me to those appointments

  6. Mel says:

    450,131 hits
    (just keeping tabs…..you know me!)

    I’m ALL about you being joyful in the moment you’re in and not letting the disease/circumstances define you. And I know how you can talk it and say it…..and suddenly find yourself not living it, wondering ‘how in the heck did THAT happen?!’. It’s easy enough to do, Bill. We get to close to see some things sometimes. It’s good that someone got put in your path to help you get back to the basics of living in the moment. Matters not what happened–matters that you’re doing it today, this moment and lovin’ what the day’s offered up to you so far.

    I think party hats, balloons and confetti are in order. And cake. *laughing* I always think a party is in order–I like cake! LOLOL

    I do agree with Jennie–I’ve always found this little spot to be more about living with the circumstances than living IN the circumstances (if that makes sense). And I don’t think it’s denial of the circumstances to decide to live with them.
    Oh mannnnnn…… *sigh* Living IN the circumstances is what *I* do as I whine and carry on about my poor widdle bwoken weg…..ROFL.
    Pffft. 😛 See–therein is the lesson for me this morning! Thank you for delivering it. I’ve NOW decided today is a ‘no whining’ day. Oh geeze……..LOL Wish me luck! 😉

    Mel you are right, you can talk the talk and think you are even walking the walk. Some times it does take input from that impartial person standing at a distance to see and tell you what they see. I am glad I had that meeting with the psychologist, it has helped me a lot. I always try to be as honest and straight forward with the docs. They are there to help me, the clearer the picture it is to them. The more accurate will be the help provided.
    When he first said I was starting to allow the illness to define who I am I was taken back. We talked for a couple of hours. As we talked more and more I was able to see I am doing that. Apparently not to the extent many do but still it is there and now I can see it. Need to be changing that ASAP
    Hitting 500,000 hits is on my fantasy bucket list. I always have been and still am amazed at how they climb.
    OK, good luck with the no whining over the broken leg. Cut yourself some slack. Yours is far beyond a regular broken leg, you have a lot of pain. Pain is a game changer

    • Mel says:

      I’m here to report that I did fairly well with the ‘whine free’ day. Until about 9pm when the pain kicked over into the ‘bigger than ouchie’ stage… and so did the whining. LOL Can I just say “Time for a pain pill!” and be ‘mature’ about it?! Ohhhhhh nooooooo…much drama and whining, of course! LOL No worries…..I have another chance to make it a whine free day TODAY!
      Geeze…..this is hard! Seriously……and like a fool, I told he-who-loves-to-help-me….and boy does he “help” with his “you’re not going to whine are you” remarks. LOLOL
      Right…..lemme try this again! 🙂

  7. rangewriter says:

    Well, Bill Howdle, I don’t know what that head guy wanted you to be thinking, but I think you are thinking really well! It seems to me that you have a refreshing grip on reality while not letting impending doom cloud each precious moment of your daily life. I’d like to see that guy walk in your shoes! I think he’d stumble and break his nose!

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