Dying Man’s Daily Journal – We need to help the families

I should know better by now. When I try to organize my thoughts, plan out and write a post it just doesn’t seem to work. I am not a writer, I am a rambler. I just type what ever comes to mind and there we are.

when we know we are approaching our physical expiry date (nearing the end of our time on this earth) for all involved things get scary, confusing and life becomes full of uncertainty.

Now in writing this obviously I can only speak for myself based on my own experiences That experience does include 5 heart attacks, open heart surgery, numerous angiograms, angioplasties with stents. Between my heart and the brain tumour I imagine I have likely had every type of test possible done. Now I also have unstable angina, with complicates things as the symptoms can mimic that of a heart attack, which has caused trips to the ER.

Most of my banking career say me in rural communities. Advantage is over time socially you get to know a lot of the doctors and nurses away from the hospital. It was by knowing the medical staff in this way, that I learned in 2 of the heart attacks they had all but given up on my survival. I sure fooled them because here I still am. I will try and describe one of those circumstances. I am in a small rural hospital excellent doctors and nurses. Good place to be except they do not have access to the treatment facilities and equipment a large hospital would have.

Now other than the trip to the hospital I really have no memory of that day. Socially we knew one of the doctors and several of the nurses. It was not until months or maybe even a year after the fact that I learned more of what happened that day. I walked into the hospital but then collapsed onto the hospital bed. I remember non of this but I was in and out of consciousness through out the day. I coded several times with the electric paddles being used on me. An air ambulance had been arranged to fly me to Winnipeg. They were struggling to stabilize me enough to make the trip. Apparently the thought was if I was left there I had no chance. Surviving the flight very small chance.

I am thinking it must have been at least a year, maybe longer after the fact, when I was well healed and the world was good. That I did hear this other side of the story, I am a miracle patient. They even sort of joked about something I said. Doctor told me I was having a very serious heart attack. Apparently my reply was: “that sucks, what are you doing about it and when can I get out of here?” Sounds like a lot of bravado there.

Now there is a big and very important point to remember here. I am going in and out of consciousness. I have no idea of what level my mind was functioning, I remember nothing. Plus, I am sure they had most likely given me who knows what for drugs to keep me calm or what ever. Apparently I was very calm and relaxed through out, those drugs I am sure may have played a large part in that, I don’t know.

Now lets look at the other side of the coin. Vi is out in the waiting room fretting, worrying often not really knowing what was going on. Each update seemed to get worse. She wasn’t allowed in while they were working on me which was pretty much constantly.

Now I ask you who do you think had is worse. I am in there in some partial conscious drugged up state oblivious to almost everything, or Vi sitting in the waiting room.


3 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – We need to help the families

  1. elijah says:

    Dear Sir,

    l am finishing my 4th year of dental school. My mother and brother passed away before my freshman year. I maintain straight A’s but it has been especially difficult in a large part because of memories of the hospital they were both treated in ( across from the dental school).

    I had been pushing my limits mentally and physically trough excessive study and exercise. Last year at this time I injured myself on a run, which incedently lead to fear that I was developing a heart condition.

    I live now with daily pain in my shoulder and chest which surgeons say that surgery is ill advised because of the risk to major organs and the fact that surgery is not curative for my shoulder dislocation.

    I am inspired by your entries. It is difficult to remind myself not to be angry about injuring myself. It helps to be reminded from others to just be happy for the gift of life’s expiriences and that pain is not permanent; all things change.
    hi Elijah, welcome to the blog and thank you for taking the time to share with us. Just as a general comment based on what you have said, I think you may be pushing yourself way too hard my friend. Maybe, take the time needed for both your shoulder to heal and to grieve your losses.
    You have the right attitude when you say: “be happy for the gift of life’s experiences.
    Please remember I am not a doctor, therapist or any such. I am just a regular guy sharing my thoughts and feeling
    Be well my friend

    • Elijah says:

      Dear Bill,

      Through this injury I have figured out what I want most in life..

      Foremost, I see myself closest to God.
      I want to keep growing closer to my fiancé.
      I want to be good to myself, and remember to measure health by my happiness and not rely on vitals and numbers.

      I know that this injury may not go away for some time .. But I can avoid new ones by focusing on the things I want most in life.


  2. Mel says:

    Ah Bill…..I don’t think it’s easy for either of you. The crisis in action takes its toll no matter which role you’re in. There’s an emotional and physical toll that it takes on everyone. It’s undoubtedly been difficult to live through for each of you. But as you make abundantly clear, it’s how you choose to live in the day you’re in that matters. Reflection is a pretty natural thing to do, and it’s a bit odd to not be able to pull up the details in moments that others’ have vivid details about. But I’m not sure one has it ‘easier’ than the other. And I’m sure there have been times Vi’s wanted to change positions with you (and vice versa)–because the two of you love each other and that’s just what love does.
    you are right

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