I don’t know how many time I have said we have to focus on the big picture of our lives and not let ourselves be overwhelmed by the circumstances of the moment. I know that, yet while dealing with the circumstances of the moment, the big picture suddenly doesn’t seem to really matter all that much.
I am tired that really worn out kind of tired other than that physically I a feeling OK, my norm. My moral has taken a dip, I am struggling to keep the spirits up. It just seems there is so much going on around me.
I seem to have conflicting emotions, it is really hard to put into words. For years now I have been dealing with with my heart issues. Countless doctors have talked about shortened life expectancy only a couple of them have actually uses the dying word. Family doc even has referred to me as his miracle patient, no matter what comes my way, some how I just keep going. This is something I am so very grateful for but am a loss to explain the how or why.
Back when I first heard the dying words, it was a struggle but I was able to come to terms with it. With that acceptance I suppose came the thought that among family and friends etc. I would likely be the next to go. Yet, somehow in that time period 4 others that I know of of the same age range have passed.
I ask for prayers please. My brother Robin faces and deals with an extremely serious heart condition. My cousin Joe, his mystery ailment has been identified as cancer and Lon time friend Don. Don had a brain tumour removed several years back. Now several tumours have returned
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Who am I?
I am a 61 year old male. At the age of 52 I was told by my doctor I am dying. For the past 4 years, I have done my best to deal with both congestive heart failure and a brain tumor, while knowing my days are indeed numbered. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences, I can encourage others faced with the same situation. I hope to also help the families of those individuals to have an understanding of the process and deal with the fear or dread of being around the dying. I am not a doctor, not a man of the clergy, I am not a therapist. I am just me, Bill Howdle, I am merely sharing my thoughts and ideas. I write of death and dying, understand this is my personal prospective, based on what I am encountering.Blog Stats
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Dying mans daily journal 
Whoa, you are surrounded by dying and ill. Is it to prepare you so that the process will be lest scary when it is your turn? It has to be very hard on you.
Blessings and prayers to all– very tough times.
Marilyn
*sigh* If it ain’t six of one it’s half a dozen of the other, huh? I’ve no doubt the toll of all this is beyond heartbreaking. Disappointment and a bit of that ‘my turn now?’ thinking wouldn’t be out of the ordinary. Not what I want for you to ‘rest’ in–but I can appreciate you being there given the host of circumstances that continue to happen for you and around you. It’s got to be difficult. And I’m amazed that we’re still graced to be able to walk through some of this with you. In a very good way–cuz G-d’s taken excellent care of you, yaknow?
I know I sound like a broken record with that ‘rest when weary’ bit. And I know you DO that. Sometimes it’s the only answer cuz there’s no solace in the circumstances you’re contending with. They’re horribly difficult circumstances. It seems the reprieves are brief and fleeting–the gift of time with babes, a cuddle or two with the wee ones, getting to be present for milestones for ones you love….those are HUGE. But they don’t change the weariness or the sadness that seems to prevail right now.
It’s okay, ya know? To be where your feet are is okay. We all get to grieve a bit. Seems that you’ve got a plate full of things to grieve. Wish that weren’t true–but clearly, it is. Take today to do what you need to do for you and those you care about. Rest. Trust the process, even if you (nor I) am clear how that process works. We’re with you in spirit, wrapping you in the love we have for all that you ARE.
(((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))
Maybe front step sitting, sunrise and bird song are in order?
Mel as always such wisdom. You are so right there are times when we just need to be where our feet are. Life continues to go on around us. We are a part of that. Our lives are intertwined with those around us. Their life affect ours and visa versa. Hopefully it is mostly the positive that rubs off in those interactions. So much positive from you has indeed rubbed off on me and I thank you
Bill
Bill, Very heartbreaking news. I can understand that you are feeling down and weary, but there are still better times ahead so please look toward that if you can. My thoughts are with you and your brother. As Mel suggested a front step sitting may be in order.
Prayers to all.
Thank you Betty. I actually spent the early morning on the step. So relaxing and calming
Hi Bill – I definitely hear you and to a point feel with you – but I know you’re going through so much yourselves, let alone those feelings for others …
… the brief interludes of peace you can find – seem to be in order now … just being with Vi, with Robin, with Joe and with Don in happier easier times letting the mind wander along the peaceful path of sunny days, gentle times …
With many many thoughts – Hilary
Thank you Hilary, good advice
Dearest Bill,
Sometimes when we focus on the bigger picture I think the here and now circumstances gang up to bring a stronger picture and one that can flatten us but I think that part of being positive is being kind to ourselves and giving ourself permission to feel downtrodden for a bit. I think allowing and not fighting the lows makes the difference between understanding our bigger picture in a way that lets us keep squeezing good memories out of life and denying the reality of what our bigger picture means. I think being positive comes by embracing the down moments rather than denying them space to breathe. And there are so very many people whose hearts beat for yours right now, who hold you in their prayers and who will also pull you out those bleak times should they overstay their welcome. I hope that makes sense but if not i offer my apologies as my own pesky little circumstances are playing havoc with my ability to translate my thoughts into written words. No offence is meant.
With love xx
Thank you Fairy, what you say makes so much sense. I always look forward to hearing from you. I respect your thoughts and opinions, please never feel you have to apologize at any time for anything
Bill
Bill, I’m so sorry to hear that you and your loved ones are going through such trying times. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you Cat, it is nice to hear from you
Bill
Hi Bill. I thought I’d share a tribute I just wrote to my dear cousin Evy who passed away on June 22 of cancer. I thought it would be relevant to your blog. I send it out with respect to the issues and weaknesses we all have to face in our various trials, which your brother too now has to face. Thinking of you! http://wwgimd.wordpress.com/2013/07/04/tribute-to-evy-strength-in-weakness/
Hi Lydia, I did pop over and read the tribute you posted to you cousin. It is an excellent, loving post a fine tribute to an obviously wonderful lady. I thank you for inviting me over
Bill
Thanks Bill for the kind comment on my blog. Much appreciated and I hope it encourages you. Her life has definitely encouraged me. I think it is definitely proof of what you always point to, of the love and meaning and joy that illness can not steal from our hearts. I hope you keep on discovering this every day, a journey we must all stay on no matter our circumstances, because none of us are living without the title you have given your blog, whether we know it or not (well, ok, except for the “man” part lol). -Love, Lydia
Lydia, it was both encouraging and inspirational. I am at a time when I can so relate to what you wrote.
I understand how someone can hold a large part in your heart. Of how regular, steady communication isn’t even necessary. You world is just a little better knowing they are there.
Thoughts and prayers to all
Bill