Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Vi is home

 Vi got home yesterday. Now I do have to say it is nice to have her home, just for the sake of having her here. I have to admit the feelings go a little more deeply than in the past. I suppose a bit of a sense of relief that some one is here with me.Now yes I do have that life alert pendant through with I can summon immediate help which is a comfort but still isn’t the same as physically having someone here.

Hearing those words from the doctor a couple of months back that he felt a heart attack if immantent, days maybe weeks away but not months. Now that is a little unsettling but I have been hearing that sort of thing from doctors for years now. Well in the past maybe not such a specific time frame other than the one time about 10 years ago. Yes, I listen, yes, it shakes me up a bit but I just can’t let it get to me to the point where I give up and stop live as normal a life as I can.

If you let it, it can really wear on you. I know I might not have a tomorrow but then really none of us do. I have thought, by this time next week I may be nothing but a memory. i can’t let myself dwell on that or I am going to rob myself of the chance to live today.

Now there is something I want to make clear. i have had 2 emails from friends questioning why if my health is in such a state, would Vi leave town for a week? Now I thought I had explained that but if friends are looking at it with shall we say raised eyebrows so may others. Now I do take exception to that.

To a large part it was my idea!!! Doctors and there predictions in my experience anyway have proven to be way off. I accept that OK it might be today but it could also be in a few weeks, or inspite of what he said months or I am hope for even years. This heart of mine seems to be continually fooling everyone it is a lot stronger than it seems to be given credit for.

For me to be able to live and enjoy life I need as large a degree of normalcy as possible. That does not include everyone sitting around watching me nap, just in case.

I should explain, yes, there is a surgery that could be done. That though is considered to be such high risk that it is questionable if I would survive. Medications are allowing me to live a good life as things are and that is what I am doing. My doctor has been pretty blunt about all of this and I appreciate that. I am blessed to have been so lucky to have made it a long as I have. Nothing lasts forever. Odds are when I hit the ground with that next heart attack I won’t be getting up irregardless of who may be around or where I am. If I do that is when that surgery will come into play


14 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Vi is home

  1. hilarymb says:

    Hi Bill – I noted your ‘desire’ that Vi spend time with her family – and not ‘worry’ about you … life is life … and it’s so important for you both to do what you can do …. but I’m so pleased Vi is home – that’s good news.

    Enjoy being together again … all the best – Hilary

  2. Babychaos says:

    “I know I might not have a tomorrow but then really none of us do. I have thought, by this time next week I may be nothing but a memory. i can’t let myself dwell on that or I am going to rob myself of the chance to live today.”

    That is absolutely spot on. Wise words my friend. Whatever happens you’re in a lot of people’s prayers, that has to count for something. In the meantime, for what it’s worth I think you’re doing the right thing in both of you, living as normal a life as you can.

    Great post.



  3. Laura says:

    Hi Bill! Hope you are feeling good, in response to your last post, you were fired up for good reason. Where I am from, 1 in 3 women will be raped, and the problem is just getting worse. When I have to walk to college I carry a stun gun with me and hope to God that nothing happens. I am happy to hear that there are programmes being introduced such as the one you mentioned. Hope Vi has had a good trip and I am sorry if my english is not so good at times. Wishing you good health
    Hello Laura and welcome to the blog, 1 in 3 women will be raped and the problem is just getting worse. I just don’t know what to say to that. Statistics like that are hard for me to even imagine. Some thing has to be done, I just wish I had even an idea as to what to do. You are in the the midst of that, do you have any suggestion or ideas? If you feel more comfortable, I can email you and discuss it in more private forum.
    Please, I don’t want you or anyone else to ever be worried about the quality of their English. Your English is perfect but that doesn’t matter, I would always figure it out or even use a translation program if necessary.
    I pray that you remain safe and that I do hear more from you

  4. Fairyflutterings says:

    Hi Bill

    Oh how I can empathise with that shaken up feeling that hits when doctors deliver their verdict. I have learnt to just let myself feel unsettled for the days needed to absorb hearing things I already knew but my doctors feel the need to restate; you are dying and it could happen in your next breath they tell me. Then I pick myself up again and trust that my body will take me on the right journey when it is ready and that my constantly worrying about every pain, every moment of dizziness, of breathlessness and of passing out isn’t going to change anything.

    I understand Vi going away and maintaining ‘normal’ life but I also understand the relief at having her home. I know whenever my last breath comes I will be alone but I would do anything for that not to be the case. Why on earth would you not want Vi, the person you have shared your life with and made a family with, to be around or as many of those precious breaths as possible? Seems an entirely normal feeling to me.

    And when your time does come, you will always be so very much more than just a memory my friend. For everyone who has visited this site you have given a hand to hold on the bridge from life to death and for me at least, I know I will feel your hand on my shoulder long after you have crossed the bridge into death. For someone who literally had nobody to talk to or to be cared for by until I discovered your blog, that gift is invaluable and unforgettable
    Hi and thank you for this comment. I can tell you “get it”. The doctors aren’t telling me anything I don’t already know yet hearing those words still shakes me up. Like you it gets to me for a few days, time I seem to need to refocus my head. I am not sure why that is. Like you, during that time I am more conscious of ever chest pain, difficulty breathing . A few days and I am back to myself.
    Obviously I don’t know how things work in the next world. Just know if there is a way I can place my hand on your shoulder, as a comfort, I will.
    Now remember, you are not alone any more you have all of us, right here as your company along the way

    • Mel says:

      Oh–and I agree with the Fairy! On multiple points spoken to here.
      And no, NOT ‘just a memory’, Bill.

      And no, Ms. Fairy–not alone. (I do hope the appt went ‘as well’ as it could.)

      And yes…LOL….nosy AND wordy! 😉

      Thanks Mel

  5. I’ve never read your blog before. You sound wonderfully sensible. You are living each day and allowing others to do the same; I think that’s the greatest wisdom one could have arrived at in the course of a life. Good for you.
    Hi June and welcome to the blog. I do thank you for your kind words and hope you will visit again

  6. Mel says:

    YEAH!!!! She’s back!!! I hope pictures coloured by the grandkids and lots of photos came with her, just for you!
    Welcome back, Vi! What an awesome thing to get to see the grands and to just BE there for your daughter.

    Yaknow, Bill. I ‘get’ that people care about you. I ‘get’ that they’re concerned and worried and that they just want things to be ‘okay’ for you. You MATTER to them. You matter to me.
    I want things to be ‘okay’ for everyone, too….everyone in the family is affected here–and there’s a LOT going on in the family, clearly. Everyone is getting to deal with lots of trauma and scary/sad moments here. Everyone. It’s GOOD to be there to support each other–and you, Vi, and undoubtedly the kiddos were all a part of the conversations about the visit.
    You’ll all get to make decisions singularly, as a couple and as a family. That’s what we all get to do, yaknow?
    You’ve always said this deal is tough on everyone, especially the family. And I really believe with my whole heart–you and Vi did what was best for everyone. This wasn’t a whim that wasn’t well thought through.
    But I AM excited she’s home again….and getting to share the joys with YOU.

    Without turning this into a novel (you KNOW I’m wordy! LOL) I’ve had to kick people out so they could have ‘normal’. So *I* could have a taste of it myself. I don’t want their life or mine coming undone because they’re feeling an obligation to stand over me, under some false belief that they alone are responsible to ensure my very existence……. Yes, they love me….they can love me AND go to the store, and they can love me AND visit other people. It’s really not a sign of their love and affection to stand guard over me every minute.
    I’m one of ‘those’ horribly independent people–and I cherish my alone time AS much as I cherish time with people I adore and care about..and LOVE. And face it–G-d’s in charge of it all, anyway.

    So–Again……wooohooooooo she’s BACK! I do hope she’s lots of photos and ‘stuff’ to fill you in on. And I do hope the kiddos are getting along ‘okay’ with all the ‘stuff’ they’re getting to contend with, too.


    Hey Mel. You are right at this point the thought process has many factors to be taken into account. It has always been a big point with me that I don’t want Vi, my daughters or anyone else missing out on living their lives. I suppose like you I am one of those independant people. I have really come to realize that as I am becoming more and more reliant on others for anything that requires any real physical effort. I am coming to accept that but hovering, geesh. i don’t need and don’t want that. I am glad though that she is home.

  7. Kim says:

    HI Bill, I’m glad Vi is back home safely. I think it was good for both of you for her to go on that visit. The more things stay “normal” the easier it is to focus on other things. People will always question your actions. As long as you guys stay true to yourselves, you will never go wrong. Hugs, Kim

    thank you Kim.

  8. Diane says:

    Sir, I have the past several evenings reading a good number of your posts. I. One post you said you write from the heart. Many of your posts are inspiring and possibly educational should readers pay heed.
    I have a simple question for you. I read I read in various posts of your goal being to help people in an almost endless list of ways. That is very noble and I do congratulate you for the effort. Do you believe you are accomplishing that?
    It is clear you have a loyal fan base that sends you support. Do you feel your efforts have brought any real change or is reading your posts like the next chapter in a novel. It is read, put down as a regular novel and life is back to normal.
    I hope this is no too personal
    Hi Diane, welcome and thank you for this very thought provoking questions. I guess I had never thought of it in quite this way comparing reading the blog to reading chapters in a novel. “It is read, put down as a regular novel and life is back to normal”. i am not quite sure how to respond to that

    • Mel says:

      Hi Diane–
      I suppose you could say I’m one of Bill’s ‘fans’…I’ve been returning here for a few years now–and I do care a lot about Bill, his family and this little community. I’m definitely in support of Bill and what happens here in this little corner of cyber space, in part because of what it’s meant to ME.
      I suppose, that being said, yup–I AM a tad biased. LOL But truth is, I can only speak for me about the impact that coming here and being allowed to be a part of this community has had in my life. I definitely had my own motives for having a ‘read’ here. I read and didn’t comment for a while…..and then, I couldn’t STOP commenting. (LOL I’m a tad wordy.) I was on the other side of a ‘death sentence’ and didn’t want to lose the clarity, the peace, and the surrender that comes when you’re IN it. So, you see, I initially stuck around for totally selfish motives.
      And yes–sometimes I read and close the page and go on with my day without a further thought to what I’ve read. In one ear–out the other……and off I go. But when I’m open and I WANT to carry something into my day–I have this silly thing I do, –I write it on my hand. That way I don’t lose it during the course of the day and there’s this ‘reminder’. Me and my best intentions–sometimes I let the noise get my attention. And then IT’S running me and my day– instead of me running my daily affairs.
      That’s probably true for a whole lot of us. I know it’s true for me.
      So sometimes it’s ‘back to the noise!’. More often though, it’s a nudge into a different direction–or a validation of being headed in a right one.

      I like how the Fairy says it–it’s a personal choice what one does with the information laid at their feet. Sometimes it gets put into action–other times it simply gets read.
      I think Bill says it frequently–if just ONE person gets some comfort and loses a bit of that alone-ness, fear and sadness that comes with the circumstances….If just one person feels heard and understood—then it’s been worth it.

      I can tell you that’s already happened.
      More than once.

      I hope your experience with what Bill shares touches your life as it’s touched so many others.
      And I hope we get more of your company–it’s welcomed
      Thank you

  9. Fairyflutterings says:

    Hi. I just wanted to say that I believe that anything we read, whether that be a blog, a novel or a newspaper or anything else, when it is written from the heart and couched in a personal story, has the potential to change and help others but only if the reader is open to the idea of reflecting on their own reactions to the stories and words shared. If we take some time to think about why we might be feeling a certain way after we read something then the door is open to our own growth so by sharing our personal experiences in the way Bill has and like him making no claim it is the same for everyone, we can all help each other through life and death is a part of life for us all. Real change happens when we look for our own connections or disconnections with others stories and learn from them. Death is something we have to be open to before life returns to ‘normal’ and I personally believe anyone reading Bill’s blog can be changed by the experience but only if they are able to accept and explore death as a part of life for us all and that acceptance can be challenging in a world that denies death. I for one have been changed, healed and grown from being a part of Bill’s story and his experiences, thoughts and insights have helped me to think about my own relationship with death
    Thank you

    • Sherry Howdle says:

      I agree. Very well put Fairyflutterings. I think Bill’s blog has different meanings and different influences on all who read it. But, it is not a novel, it is real life. People who are going through what Bill has gone through connect on one level, other people who have lost a loved one, connect or get something out of it on another level. What Bill’s blog does best is bring us all together. It makes you realize that life is fragile and precious and you need to make the most out of it. It makes you realize you are not alone, what you feel is normal, and that there are other people all over the world who are dealing with these issues. There is comfort in that. I have yet to read something on this blog that has not affected me, made me stop and think, or try to do better. I can shut the blog off, but the messages, thoughts and feelings that have been shared are now internalized. I can’t just close the book and be back in real life. What I have read stays with me long after I leave the computer. What is on the blog is not a chapter or novel. It is real life and it does make a difference in people’s lives if they choose to let it.
      Thank you

  10. Sherry Howdle says:

    Welcome home Vi! Hope all is well in the Great White North!
    Hi Sherry, Vi says she had a good visit. I am glad she is back. As for the white north, I am not sure about up there but here we are getting whiter by the second. Big blizzard going on

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