Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Nearing the end

I want to thank my good blogging friends that responded to my last post. It was a touchy subject and it did take both courage and strength to reply, I will be responding to each individual reply.

Yes those questions were raised by others but I am at the point where those issues apply to and are weighing on me. I have been seeing various specialists in the past months and there are still more tests coming. All of these specialists send their reports to my doctor who I suppose then puts it all together to make up the big picture of my health.

He says it will take nothing short of Devine Intervention to keep me going much longer. He stated that I have had a good 10 years beyond expected but all things must come to an end eventually and for me that time is now or at least soon. I asked what he meant by soon. His reply any day now. I have been hearing this sort of thing for that 10 years now. Yet, some how every time I hear it from a doctor it still sets me back on my heels. For years i have been able to say that only once has a doctor given me any sort of time frame. They usually just dance around the issue and never really end up telling you anything. Well things are changing as this is now 2 doctors within the last couple of months that have said the time is now or very shortly. Now don’t you just hate to hear your doctor tell you that.

Well what can I do? I still have life to be lived and enjoyed. I usually allow myself a day or two to get my head wrapped around this sort of thing. This time i am not sure I have the luxury of that day or two.

I know I will be called home in God’s time not my time and not the doctor’s time.

13 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Nearing the end

  1. Mel says:

    403,283 hits

    That’s near half a million moments of someone landing on this page, Bill.
    Half a million….from everywhere under the sun.

    Be amazed at that. (I know you are.)
    Be amazed at the lives you’ve touched–those you can call up to memory (yes……I know “memory guy”!)–those who you will never come to know because we don’t ‘get’ all the information. Just trust that it’s happened because G-d had and continues to have designs on that life of yours. Always has. And yes–in His time. You’re His kid. He loves you beyond measure, this I’m certain of above all things.

    Don’t ask me to like the timing. I’m not going to like it. I’m not going to like NOT having you in this world, being HERE–extending yourself to others….speaking mountains in clear words that I’ve come to understand and embrace.
    I’m not going to like it, Bill.

    I do promise you–I will not shake my fist in anger at the Big Guy over this. I knew what the deal was when I opted to show up here and stick around. At any given point, I…..others….could have moved on to other places. It’s a click of the mouse…..a wee bit of navigation and *poof*. Out of sight, out of mind.

    Only, that didn’t happen. We chose to make that not happen. It is not a choice I regret. It is not a choice I will regret. (G-d willing….cuz grief does funny things to people, yaknow? Though, I suspect folks will help me not ‘go there’…..)

    As much as you know what the deal is–you were forthright with us and we knew what the deal was, too. The title says it–we’re reminded every time we land here. It’s nothing I don’t ‘see’ every time I land here. But we’re all human and we can ‘see’ and do denial in the same breath. I’ve tried really, really hard not to do that–but the words you shared today, even knowing TRUTH…..brought tears.

    I’d prefer another 10 years. And because I know I don’t always GET what I want—because I know it’s selfishness on my part–I need to shush up and ‘find peace’…remain grateful for the time we’ve had here.
    And I need to tell you that you’ve made a difference in MY life. Every day I land here…every time.
    If I’ve not shared that and spoken to that clearly during the time we’ve had here–I need you to know that now. There’s a difference in ME because of your presence in my life. And darned if that ripple effect hasn’t happened. Because of here, I’ve been able to reach and touch lives that I simply might have missed because I was into a poppy attitude–or because I was being selfish or lazy….I’m prone to being human, I guess.
    I love you HUGELY for that difference. You’ve ‘paid it forward’ more times than you know.
    Now, admittedly, some days I’ve loved you in spite of that. (cuz some days I didn’t necessarily want my attitude adjusted, tyvm…..)
    But I’ve always loved you for helping me remember “matters to this one”.
    And I can do nothing but honour that huge piece in you that simply tried to be the best YOU there was.

    You done good, Bill.
    It’s mattered to this one.

    ((((((((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))))))
    ((((((((((((( Vi ))))))))))))))

  2. BC says:

    I don’t know what to say, Bill. I’m feeling a bit teary reading this. This blog is valuable, it’s actually amazing, your words inspire people and help them. I’ve been following your words since since 2008, long since I fell out of the habit of writing on my own blog. Whatever happens, whatever comes to pass, know that in this blog, alone, you have achieved a wonderful thing. You are loved and admired by a lot of people you’ll never meet.

    God bless and thank you and I hope your doctors are wrong, wrong, wrong!



  3. simplicianot says:

    Hi Bill, Keep the faith and believe in the divine miracle! This Blog has helped not only you but thousands of people.You must keep the Faith,just think of all the people that are praying for you,I believe God is not calling you home that soon,you have much more to write and be a Blessing to others!I know that the time must and will come for all of us but not just yet. Only God knows when we get to be with him. Doctors told my family that I would not make it and here Iam over twelve years now alive and still kicking.You made so many friends with your Blog, can you imagine one day to meet them all in Heaven.What a glorious day that will be and no more pain and being able to breath again.Sometimes I wish Jesus would come and scoop us all up already and take us to
    Heaven. Boy,I must sound kinda morbid but besides my family I don’t think I would miss it that much.This world is not what it used to be and to much evil is going around.Oh wow,didn’t mean to write a book. Sending prayers from across the miles and God Bless you and yours.

  4. hannahrosebailey says:

    Bill I sit in my living room in Oxford England and want you to know that you have touched my life in way I wish the majority of people and myself could do to others. its enlightenment that you have brought to so many peoples lives, for us to understand what people close to us have gone through and are going through, its the words people dare not to speak about dying.

    I hope your time left is restful and your family are comforted by the positive vibes sent yours and their way.

    Much love

    H xx

  5. Hilary says:

    Hi Bill .. with thoughts from England .. for the most peaceful time which we hope may pass with another period of life … as you say God calls when he’s ready … in the meantime I hope you can get to smell the roses a little – ie the spring flowers and enjoy the view of new life burgeoning – that cycle of life we all fall into.

    With some hugs to you and Vi … Hilary

  6. rangewriter says:

    And from out here in the boondocks of the American west, I, too, want to tell you that you have touched my life in unexpected ways, that I will miss you when you are no longer contributing to this blog,
    that I am still looking forward to your next post.

  7. Dolores Meyer says:

    I don’t think you are leaving anytime soon.
    Every day in my mind I lift you up and place
    you in God’s hands and say “Thy will be done.”
    It is not God’s will for anyone to be sick.
    We may all die before you!!

  8. Dan says:

    I as well as many others have found that Doctors can be wrong. I know that many people have died because they took the medication and did all their doctor told them to. A few years back I had a stroke and while in the ER was told I was going to be admitted for observation, My pains had gone away and the numbness on my left side was gone and most of all my mind was working so I told the Doctor I was going home. He said that it would be against medical advice and I said yes I know. He then told me I might die at home and I said I might die at the hospital and I prefered to be home. I was listening to what my body was saying and it said I would be fine. Having a stroke made me realize that I could die and after very much thought and many prayers I am no longer worried about it. I am not afraid to die, I do want to live very much but if God calls me home I will go knowing my job here on Earth is done and I will finally be out of pain and have no more worries. When my wife’s heart stopped while in the hospital she said it was the most beautiful sleep she had ever experianced and was mad when the Doctor got her heart going again. I advise all to never give up, hold onto life as long as you can but don’t be afraid to step through that next door. All those who have gone before you will be there and all will feel great happiness and love. I know that everyone has differant beliefs but for me this is what I feel will happen.

  9. simplicianot says:

    You are so right Dan, Gods will be done. Amen!
    God Bless

  10. Henri says:

    Hi Bill,
    Know what the difference is between God and Doctors?
    God knows he is not a doctor. 🙂

    I have been so busy lately, missing our ‘putterings’ 🙂
    I came across a wonderful, amazing piece I would like to share.
    It describes you… Warrior!!!

    Written by Neal Freeland-Hartwick:

    “Are you a Warrior?”

    I was asked in the in the quiet solitude of day
    And I wondered long into the night

    What does a Warrior make?

    If by a Warrior you mean
    One who always tries to do the right thing
    Even when doing what is right tears my heart in two
    One who does the right thing just because it is . . .

    If by a Warrior you mean
    Someone who always makes time to listen
    Who brings you a smile when you least expect it
    Who laughs with you everyday, today, just like yesterday
    And cries a flood of tears so yours do not fall alone

    If by a Warrior you mean
    One who stands up for those in need
    Who fights for those who cannot, or will not
    One who turns the other cheek in the face of rage, hatred and bigotry
    Walks away when my blood screams out injustice!
    And a fist is all it seems I have left to choose
    Because walking away is the right choice . . .

    If by a Warrior you mean
    Someone who will always be there for you
    Always tries to move Heaven and Hell to keep his promises to you
    Someone whose soul withers and screams when I cannot, have not
    Supports you when you are wrong because that is when you need it the most

    If by a Warrior you mean
    A person of honour, of compassion, faith and humility
    Someone of strength, trust, of love and respect
    Someone of ethics and integrity and the will to live by them
    The courage to fight for your dreams and . . . and to fight for my own
    Someone who will always apologize and say I am so, so very sorry I hurt you

    If by a Warrior you mean all of these things
    Then all I can say to you it this, just this, only this . . .

    I do not know if I am a Warrior

    But I want to be . . .

    • Mel says:

      Oh, Henri–we’ve MISSED you around this joint.
      And posts like this….are a mighty good example of why.

      THIS, sir–is awesome.
      Thank you!

  11. Shauna says:

    Love you dad xoxoxo

    Thank you my little plunky, I love you to the sky and back

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: