Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Refocused thinking

I am not sure if it is just me, maybe my current mind set or if this applies to many, I don’t know.

With a lot of deep thought and from helpful comments here, I have realized that by struggling with my physical limitations, I am really struggling with my life. As with all of life we need to find that balance between not doing enough and over doing it.
Accepting though certainly doesn’t mean giving up. I will be pushing every one of those boundaries until my final breath. I get frustrated when it takes me a week to get a job done that a few years ago would have maybe taken an hour or two. If I allow it feelings of being useless can dominate my thought process and that is not a good feeling to have. It makes you want to just give up on it all. Can anyone relate to this feeling? I do know that towards the end my mother-in-law Nellie expressed those very thoughts, so I do know I am not totally alone.

Now there have been a few comments of late about how quickly I seem to be able to bounce back from a low time. I have been thinking a lot about that as somehow within my own mind I don’t seem to feel I do bounce back as it must seem. Oh, I am much much better than I was way back when.

As i think about it, I realize what I am doing, I am refocusing my thinking on something else. Now that doesn’t mean I am necessarily “over” it or have bounced back entirely. Most of my issues come with ever decreasing physical limitation. It sucks when I realize I can’t do something that I could just a few months back. That bothers me, I become frustrated, impatient and somehow even disappointed in myself. Crazy I know but that is how I feel at that time. With time and practice I am better able to see and accept that what ever that particular issue is, it is actually but one small part of my life, the big picture. I can’t allow myself to wallow for to long. Firstly, if I allow myself to say there for to long I am afraid I may get stuck there. Most importantly, I realize, my time here is short and becoming shorter by the day My/our time is so precious I don’t want to waste any of it.

I know I need to refocus my thoughts. It is sort of like OK, I can;t do that any more and that does suck but let’s see, hey I can do this or that. I focus in on my new task/goal or what ever which is usually living a good life. Yes, those feelings of frustration or what ever do continue to haunt me in the days ahead even though I may appear to have bounced back. Daily it seems I have to give it at least some thought but then I make a very conscious effort to actually push those thoughts away with my refocused mind.

I have just sat here rambling, does any of this make sense at all?


8 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Refocused thinking

  1. rangewriter says:

    Yup. It makes sense. Your writing my ramble, but you manage your mind very well, continually refocusing on what you CAN do rather than on what you can no longer do. Well done.

  2. simplicianot says:

    Dear Bill,
    I too feel useless for more than 12 years now because I can’t do anything anymore.I’m on Oxygen 24/7 and can barely walk anymore and I’m only 55 years young.I wonder a lot of times wyh God keeps me around.I almost died four out of five times in the Hospital because of my weak lungs but the good Lord just keeps me here on Earth even tho I have no idea why.So I guess God has a purpose for me that I can’t figure out.I have been Blessed more than I can ever imagined to be here with my family still when the doctors written me of a long time ago.I also get very depressed not being able to go outside and do the things I used to do.I can’t have visits from anyone if they have the slightest of a cold because it will turn in to Pneumonia and send me back to the Hospital.
    Yes Bill,I know how you feel and once in a while it is ok for us to have a pitty party as I call it.But I must say that it could be much worse and I’m still very Blessed even tho I dance to a different tune [ much slower one ] now.I know you too Bill are still here for a purpose.Could it be that by writing this Blog you are helping many many people to deal with their own problems?
    Big hugs and God Bless you and yours

  3. souldipper says:

    Who your are is so very loveable, Bill.

  4. Mel says:

    *ditto on what souldipper commented*

    I think I ‘get it’. And I think it’s very human of you to go the places you go.

    We CAN stay stuck in the grief–and what I’ve read here IS grieving the loss of what was. I think those stages apply every time there IS loss. And loss of activity and a way of operating is a loss.

    You’re doing the best you can with the circumstances you’re getting to deal with.
    And you’re making the time to put that in place to come ‘here’ and contribute honestly with us.

    You really are so very loveable.
    You just are.

  5. Dan says:

    I was a Truck Driver and a Mechanic for many years. I used to love to hike in the mountains but twenty years ago I injuried my spine and cannot do much of anything anymore. I am in pain most of the time but I have learned to accept it. Oh I still do as much as I can but have learned to listen to my body, it tells me when I am doing to much. Just listen to your body. You can still reach for the golden ring as long as you don’t set a time limit to reach it. You must accept your limitations without giving up your goals. Never give up, you will have good days and bad. Don’t let depression hold you down. Never worry about tomorrow because you don’t know what it will hold for you.

    Hey Dan, I am sorry to hear of your injury. I am getting better at just listening to my body instead of my memory as to what I can and can’t do. slow and easy wins the race. Wonderful comment thank you for sharing.

  6. Dan says:

    On another note. Back in the 70s my wife had terminal cancer and after much time in the hospital she was sent home to die. The Doctor told her there was nothing more they could do for her. But she had stubborn determination and stopped taking all the medications and refused to die just because some doctor told her she would. She was weak as a kitten for 6 months but she survived and eventually went back to work as a LVN Nurse. Her Doctor later told her that if she had taken all the meds he sent her home with it would of killed her and she told him she knew that. She went to his funeral a few years later. She survived the cancer because she is stubborn. She has had several close calls since then and was once while in the hospital given a overdosed on demerol, her heart stopped and no one answered the call light for a unknown length of time. But whe they did they did CPR on her ahd she revived. She was mad because she said that was the best sleep she had ever experianced. Her Doctor told her it was a bit more then deep sleep. She started having seizures after that and no one knows how long her brain was without oxygen. She was forced to retire from Nursing after 30 years of working. She was depressed but got over it. Last year a Doctor told her she had a hole in her heart and it had probaly been there her whole life and that most kids with a hole in their heart never live past 3 years. But she is 67 years old and is still active. She rides behind me on my Yamaha V Star 1100 Motorcycle. We both have many medical problems and we both have had strokes but we don’t let that be a factor in our lives and we help each other.

    Dan, thank you so much for sharing this with us. Your wife is an inspiration, you both are. You are the perfect examples of so much of what I have been tring to say. Life live, never give up. no one said life would always be easy, but so worth it. A positive attitude with that strong will to live is seemingly unstopable. I am sure your wife has her low times, occasional struggles but she is one that bounces right back. Good for her, good for you both with your issues.
    I need, I am sure we all need to hear stories like this one at times. Thank your again for sharing your wonderful story.

    • simplicianot says:

      Dear Dan,
      Thank you for sharing your wifes and your story.It is just amazing how the human spirit can overcome so many things in our life that we thought would never happen to us.I also rely totally on my Savior Jesus Christ to get me thru the day.
      Have a Blessed day and may God be with you and yours.

      Right on Beatrice and ditto to everything you said.

  7. Mel says:

    Wow……thanks for sharing, Dan. What an incredible story of perseverance and determination. And what a thrill to get to take off on that Yamaha to enjoy life together! Here’s to many more happy adventures for the both of you!

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