Dying Man’s Daily Journal – disappointing myself

This Christmas and holiday season was I think the best most wonderful I have ever had and I will be writing more about it.

One of the definite high lights was actually meeting with a blogging friend. Other than family there are only 2 or 3 three of our blogging family here that I have actually had the pleasure of meeting in person. Well Vi and I had the pleasure of having Lydia stop over for coffee and a very nice little chat. Lydia thank you again for sharing some of your precious time with us and also for the muffins which were amazing.

Having this love filled wonderful time re-enforced in my own mind what a wonderful life I do have. On reflection it has caused me to realize I have been letting myself down, letting a degree of negativity take over my mind. Actually, I have known this for a while, but just seemed to lack the energy to do anything about it. Those dreaded poor me’s. Last year was a good year for me, Hey I was here to live it. Physically though it did have some challenges.

Having a none stop head ache for over 6 months. It was constant, just the degree of pain varied, I am told I have a high tolerance for pain. In the short term maybe but when that pain goes on and on, I turn into a bit of a baby. . I lost some of the vision in my left eye. occasional periods of total blindness in my right eye. Being told you have had a series of mini strokes and that a major stroke is expected to be just around the corner, cheered me right down.

I remember one day just after learning about all this stroke stuff and trying to get my head wrapped around that whole business. i was feeling pretty down almost to the point of being just ready to throw in the towel, give up. I was thinking 5 heart attacks, heart failure, open heart surgery, brain tumor, diabetes, epilepsy, sleep apnea, neuropathy. All that is quite a handful to deal with but now we add the blindness issues, mini strokes with a pending major stroke, major blockages in the carotid arteries in my neck which have crystalized. This being the cause of the strokes. What can I say but geesh.

In that time somewhere I was on the internet. Now I can’t remember what it was that I typed in the search engine but I was surprised when this my own blog popped up as a reference site. Who would have thought that, well not me anyway. I click on it to see what I had written that day and it did help, it brought back to mind something I had forgotten or hadn’t thought of. Now I am not even sure where that post is. If you get yourself into a case of the why me’s, instead ask yourself why not me? Do I ever get wound up in thoughts like is God punishing me or anything like that. NO, I just do not believe such would happen.

What I do believe is that God loves each and everyone of us equally. Simply put and each year a certain per centage of the population will in fact get each of my ailments. What would make me thing that I am seen as being so special as to exclude me from any of these, really nothing.

God, will never give us more than He knows we can handle. I have prayed asking God to take me into his hands and that His will be done. Having said that bring it on.


7 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – disappointing myself

  1. Beatrice says:

    Hello Bill, I started reading your Blog and I’m so Blessed to have found your site! You are such an inspiration to me. I have severe COPD and almost died three times but the Grace of God had other plans for me! You have so much more on your plate and yet here you are sharing your story which I’m sure of has helped many others in their time of need to understand that death is not the end but only the beginning! I’m not afraid of death either anymore. Sending Prayers your way and god Bless you and yours.

    Hello Beatrice, I thank you for your kind words and welcome to the blog. You have echoed my own feelings about death not being the end but only a beginning. Like you I am not afraid to die, it is my life here is good and I am going to hang on to it for as long as I can. I am sorry to hear of your COPD. Would you consider sharing more about your experiences.

  2. BC says:

    Everyone’s allowed to feel put upon from time to time. 😉 Yeh, even you. I’ve been visiting here since forever. I know I don’t always comment but I read you posts because they make me think and I always learn something.

    Take care and god bless.


    Thank you BC. You and Mel have stuck with me since the very beginning and I do thank you. It means more to me than you can know.

  3. I really appreciate your incredible ability to bounce back, Bill – not just physically, but in the most profound emotional and spiritual way. Thanks for being such a great example.

    Ah, my dear friend I thank you so much. I still struggle with the idea of being any kind of example

  4. rangewriter says:

    I’m glad you were able to enjoy your holiday and that you’re working hard to turn your attitude around. But really, I think you have every reason to get grumpy and down now and then. Yes, maybe being grumpy won’t help your situation, but I don’t think you should try to mask or gloss over the stuff that disappoints or even makes you mad at times. These are very natural and normal responses to loss and to pain. You’ve had a long, hard road and you’ve traveled it fearlessly and mostly without complaint. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done! You are an inspiration to many of us who simply look over your shoulder and think. WoW!

    I thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and your on going support

  5. Mel says:

    398,505 hits!! (just sayin’…..)

    We all have our moments, sir. Some just last longer than others. And c’mon…..six MONTHS of headaches would be enough to push the most sane person over the edge! Toss in the ‘rest of the story’ and you’ve got every feeling you FELT and FEEL rubber stamped as ‘WE UNDERSTAND’.
    You’d be handing me the “please excuse Mel from being civil” card were the shoe on the other foot. Be a bit kinder to my friend (YOU) please. 🙂

    I’d be lying to say I’m easier on ME than you are on you. I’m a tough one–things to do, people to serve, places to go….things I wanna accomplish, lives I wanna touch! Bugger all that I’m sitting here and don’t GET to. Now, I can be disappointed in me–cuz I have been witchier than witchy! (true!) Or I can laugh at my self indulgence, understand that I’m feeling the way I feel FOR A REASON (–cuz I have people to serve, lives to touch afterall!) and get about the business of doing what I DO right from where I am. You know me–I believe the Big Guy makes use of us in the circumstances we’re in TO HELP OTHERS. (and maybe help US a wee bit in the process….LOL)

    ((((((((((( Bill )))))))))))))))
    Now, I’d also be lying if I omitted the fact that I’ve been concerned a LOT in the past while. Missing posts, missing hearing from you–knowing circumstances with Nellie had the family struggling, knowing you were struggling with your role in that and how that translated to what it’ll be like for Vi when G-d brings you home to Him. Of course there was concern. Still is–but that’s what happens when you care about people and invest in their lives cuz you’ve decided they MATTER. (enter the starfish!!!)

    What matters today–is today. And you’re able and capable and doing what you do so very well (yes, I know you don’t see HOW you do it or WHY things play out the way they play out–I’m good with that….being AMAZED is always awesome!).

    You come here.

    You tell the truth.

    People land here.

    They find comfort.

    They find validation.

    They find hope and love.

    Seriously–there’s a BIGGER thing to do for another human being?

    I think not.

    Ah Mel, what can I say to you my dear friend. I actually just went back and checked the very early comments of the blog. The blog started back at the end of Sept/06 and you my friend joined my on Jan 12/07. That is 6 full years you have accompanied my on this journey. You loving support and wisdom has helped me through so tough times. Here you are still offering that support.
    You are right I am much more impatient with myself than with others. I get flustered at the decreasing physical limitations. Often my mind seems to forget that I am not 21 anymore, strong as an ox and bullet proof. It is frustrating when I am increasingly being unable to do even ths simplest things. Have a shower and I need a 5 or 10 minute rest to catch my breath. Maybe in some way I see it as a refection on my manhood, it don’t know.
    There as you already know are my issues, I am working on it and really am getting better at dealing with it all. I am trying to convince myself that really isn’t it every guys dream to be able to just lay aroud doing nothing!! lol.

    You have given me a whole new prospective with the words at the end of your message:
    “You come here.

    You tell the truth.

    People land here.

    They find comfort.

    They find validation.

    They find hope and love.

    Seriously–there’s a BIGGER thing to do for another human being?
    . You are right I do not understand how I am able to do this but if that is the case all of this effort is worth while. I have been blessed

  6. Jennie says:

    I would be worried about you didn’t have an occasional spell of ‘poor me’. I would wonder if you had lost touch with reality if the difficulty of it all didn’t overwhelm you from time to time.

    Cut yourself some slack Bill. I know you’ll never stay long at the pity party.

    Hi Jenny, really nice to hear from you. The tricky thing for me is I don’t seem to even realize I am heading down the path to a pity party until I am already there. Try as I might there are times when I suppose the best way to describe it is feeling over whelmed. I thank God that something always seems to happen to bring reality back into focus. It takes work sometimes to get my head screwed on straight but thn I am off and running again. Maybe the speed of my run has slowed down but in the big picture that doesn’t really matter.

  7. lypenner says:

    I’ve just caught up with some reading on your blog Bill, thank you for your kind comments. I’m glad the visit was an encouragement to you, it was to me as well. There’s a very good book called Tuesdays With Morrie. In it, Morrie says he lets himself feel really sorry for himself for 5 or 10 minutes each day, and then he tells himself to get on with his day. I have sometimes remembered this thought when I have my own “poor me” days.

    Here’s wishing you and Vi many more times of remembering that God is with us in all the ups and the downs as well.

    hi Lydia, Vi and I both enjoyed our time with you, we thank you for stopping over. I thank you for the reminder. I have that book and it is time for a re-read.
    Take care

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