Dying Man’s Daily Journal

I had an interesting question posed to me. Actually, it was posted and left for me in the chat room. “What does it feel like to know you are dying?”

My initial reaction is: “you tell me. It is a reality we are all facing just on a different time schedule.”

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a hard question to answer. difficult because the answer will vary from day to day, hour to hour even minute to minute. As a overall general statement: IT SUCKS AND I DON’T LIKE IT AT ALL!!!!!

As I sit and think about it though, it has been a wonderful experience. Many will find that hard to believe but it is true. OK, the most wonderful part if I haven’t died. I have surprised the doctors a number of times when they had essentially given up hope  for me to survive. For reasons only the Good Lord knows here I am. i move a little slower, have less energy but that is a small price to pay for still being here. It has seemed with each successive heart attack (5 of them) and after each heart surgery or procedure my will to live has increased. I do believe that to an extent sheer determination to live will keep us here. I think maybe after each of those events I was blessed to have my eyes open a little wider each time. Each time I was able to look at life or the life I had been living and could so easily see, I wasn’t really living. I was enduring or putting up with life. Struggling through each day just to get to the next so I could start that same process all over again.

So much of life happens in our heads. Now that sounds like a bit of a silly statement but if you think about it, it is true. The world is busy rushing on around us usually oblivious to us. We though no matter how you may deny it often see ourselves as the center of our own universe. In so many ways that is the way it should be. This is hard to explain. It becomes a problem  if suddenly we see all the activity in the surrounding world being directed at us instead of flowing by us.

My mind seems to have wandered here. I started this post full of energy but haven’t been feeling well for the past couple of days and that energy seems to have run out. Will maybe post more on where my thoughts were going with this tomorrow.

3 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal

  1. rangewriter says:

    Glad you’re here, even if you are mostly tuckered out.

  2. Mel says:

    ((((((((( Bill ))))))))))

    Maybe rest is on the agenda, eh?

    *sending healing thoughts*
    (I do hope both you and Vi are on the mend.)

    I know (for me) there wasn’t (and isn’t) a real ‘answer’ to that question–some days you do that minute to minute deal, other days you just can’t be bothered to operate out of ‘DYING….terminal, ain’t gonna get different’–it was just too taxing to stay in that line of thinking. It’s also impossible to avoid coming back to it. But you’re right–some days it’s bigger than others but it doesn’t just ‘go away’ and no matter what you do to try to not ‘think’ about the fact just sort of lurks there.

    What you/I get to do is choose what we do with the facts. And it’s clear you keep choosing, every day, to participate in the world around you, regardless.
    Boy, am I grateful for that–I’m a firm believe in the power of attitude and that we always, always get to choose our attitude, no matter what’s going on around us or in us.
    It’s affirming for me (and countless others, no doubt) to watch you choose as you do, sir.

    Now–choose to rest and feel better, please! 😉

    *hugs* (and more healing thoughts!)

  3. Irene says:

    Dear Bill,
    Here’s hoping you and everyone here has a great weekend. I’m in the process of de-cluttering and am struggling with it. At our church we frequently pray the stewardship prayer. In it we ask for help to possess sensibly…I finally get it and mean it. It’s a terribly difficult job to “let go”, but it feels so good to live simply.
    About what you said concerning choosing what we do with the facts: Someone really wise once said that the abcense of alternatives clears the mind marvellously. Priorities…keep them simple.
    Praying for you always, Wiseman.

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