Last evening I came to the computer and was taken back. Blogging friend Joy left a comment on her struggle to deal with the loss of her mother. Her feelings are so raw I can just feel them through her words. I do know there are still those that don’t always read the comments. I encourage all to do so. So very often contained there you will find far more wisdom than I could ever imagine. I am asking please for prayers for Joy, her family and all those others that are in similar situations. Her comment and my reply:
“No one ever said life would always be easy, just so worth it.”- I am still waiting for the ‘worth it’ part!
I am one of those read only and post rarely types… But this quote automatically made me question the worth it part.
I posted on December 18th 2009 about my fears on possibly loosing my mother to cancer. She passed away nine months later. Those last months have been imprinted in my memory and are in my thoughts each day. I doubt that I will ever get over what I saw her go through.
It’s been a year and seven months tomorrow and I can’t begin to tell you how hard its been. I wake up everyday as though I have been dreaming, I walk in her room to make sure that it is really a dream. And its empty. And that memory of running through the hospital, and opening her room door, and finding my mum lifeless is killing me.
Those last days … It was heartbreaking, seeing her deteriorate. She didn’t know who I was one minute and the next minute she was asking me if I wanted her to die. What child can forget a mother saying such things. I know it was not her but the cancer. But you can’t forget… I stayed with her for five nights in the hospital and could not sleep as she asked me to make sure she didn’t “fall asleep”. She held my hand all night and would not let go. I did not sleep at all for five nights … It was spent listening to her breathing and praying. On the sixth day I couldn’t keep my eyes opened and my sister stayed with her that night. My mum asked me to stay but everyone said not to worry as I needed rest. I will never forgive myself for agreeing to go home. The next morning at 6:00am, a phonecall from my sister telling me to come down now as mum was unsettled and in pain. I drove hysterically to the hospital and she passed away a few minutes before I got there.
I was my mums strength and I let her down that night.
The feelings are unlike anything I imagined in my post. The pain is unbearable. I miss her voice, face, smell, warmth, her words… I just miss her..
Life is not fair, and I am in doubt that its worth it.
…so sorry for a depressive post Bill..
Hi Joy, firstly please never feel you need to apologize for sharing your feelings, that is what the blog is here for. “No one said life would be easy” wow you are most certainly going through the not easy part. Reading your comment it was like I could feel your pain, so hard to bear. My heart aches for you and my prayers go out to you. I wish I had some magical words to say that would take the pain away but there just are none. If there are any such words that would help you please imagine I said them. Joy what you went through and are still going through is awful. The hurt, the pain, the loneliness, the self anger such a terrible place to be in your mind. With all that you went through I can easily understand why you are feeling as you are. Joy, I don’t know you and obviously didn’t know you mother. From your level of feelings of loss I fully imagine that in life she was a truly wonderful person, with a big beautiful heart full of love for you and your siblings. I imagine she was a big part of your life and that it is difficult to see life going forward without her in it. Let’s face it with her loss you life has been changed forever. Joy while I really can understand your feelings that you let your mother down, you were her rock and let here down when you weren’t there when she passed. Joy, I have to take exception to any feelings of guilt or what ever that you might be feeling in that regard. You went far above and beyond the “call of duty”, anything that might be expected of a daughter or anyone else. You spent 5 days and nights at her side, from a purely physical point of view I am in awe of the mere fact you were able to do that. It is beyond anything I could have done even in my best of days. You are human your body needs rest. I do not know a lot about cancer other than it is a hideous disease causing a world of hurt and suffering and destroys it’s victims from within. Now i hope I can word this in a way that makes sense, I certainly mean no offense to anyone by it. You Mentioned the you knew that some of the things your mother said were in fact the cancer speaking and not really her. That is so important to remember. Now Joy, please remember I am not a doctor, a therapist nor a man of the clergy, I am just a guy sharing my thoughts. I see cancer as a horrible disease that destroys us from within. I imagine it starts off somewhere in our bodies quite small. Then for reasons beyond me it grows and may or may not spread through out our entire body. It consumes us, takes over our bodies from within. I am not sure if this is a good comparison or not and this is where I am really struggling for the right wording. As the cancer gains more and more control of our physical bodies, it has to affect our minds our thinking to the point that it is as you said, you knew it was the cancer speaking and not your mother. I know it is difficult but try to take the cancer out of the mix for a moment. Ask yourself, what would your “real” mother have wanted you to do. After 5 sleepless days and nights. My guess is that she would have wanted you to go and get some rest. Cancer as with virtually any disease physically destroys the patient. It is not content with that, it can reach it’s ugly arms out to infect all of those around. Not physically but emotionally which can be just as deadly and life destroying. Joy, please don’t let the terrible disease that took your mother claim you also. Don’t let something so ugly,so terrible that power over you. As i said before you life has been changed forever but a change in your life doesn’t mean it can’t still be very good with time. I thank you for sharing with us as you have and I invite and encourage you to do so again as often as you would like. Bill