DyingMan’s Daily Journal – Boundaries

March 17, 2012

I AM BACK. A while ago I wrote of how I was feeling let’s just say down. Well 5 or 6 weeks ago I spoke to my doctor about it and he prescribed an antidepressant.Now it didn’t kick in immediately but wow am I ever feeling better. Hey I am already taking 15 or 16 pills a day so what is one more especially when it has such a dramatic affect on how I am feeling. I have been struggling with a life issue that surprisingly is not even related to my health. There is obviously a life lesson here for me to learn and now I can see that a little more clearly. It is all about establishing healthy boundaries.

Speaking of boundaries reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a short while ago. OK, I had my wonkie head going on at the time and I am memory guy but the conversation went something like this:

Don: “Don’t you have any boundaries or limitations on what you write on your blog?”

Me: “Huh”

Don:  You share everything on your blog even the most intimate and personal detail. You share all the personal details about your health, your mortality, your beliefs everything. You even wrote about your erectile dysfunction, now what guy is going to admit that. What guy is going to even admit that never mind tell the world. Now your writing about your depression.

Me: Aww

Now I can’t actually remember his exact wording but it was to that effect. I am sort of chuckling as I sit here as some where through the conversation he commented “even this conversation will likely be on the blog.” Gee, I guess you were right Don.

I don’t have my wonkie head today so I can answer his questions a little better

Why do I write about death and dying. Well obviously I can’t yet relate to the actual dying process but from what I am going through on this last leg of my earthly journey. This is something that unless you actually experience it, no matter how hard you try to can’t relate. I don’t want to minimize the love and support provided by those around us, that is so values and appreciated. It is just this leg of our journey is a lonely one. It is sort of like that saying, you can feel your loneliest when you are in a room full of other people. If you know you are dying that feeling of loneliness can be crushing.

I had and still hope to provide shall we say a venue for all to join in to receive the loving non-judgemental support we all need at this time. Yes, when I did start this I had the goal in mind of helping others and I am humbled by the fact that my simple words have been able to do that. I started with the “noble” idea of helping others. This whole process has been such a win/win situation as I have gained so much, received so much loving support, grown so much as a person. I guess it is true, “give and your shall receive”

As for the erectile dysfunction. OK, that one is a little embarrassing and what can I say. It is a “secret” that many men carry. I don’t think we like to talk about it as it reflects on our own macho esteem, feeling less of a man. Maybe if we bring it out more into the open and talk about it we can help easy that self imposed stigma. Geesh, I just read that last couple of sentences and am feeling embarrassed by it.

It is like that with the depression or I suppose any mental illness, we don’t want to talk about it as it relates to ourselves.

Or, maybe I yak about all this as I just like to talk. My mother usesd to joke that the way I like to talk, she is sure when I was vacinated it must have been with a gramaphone needle

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Yesterday not such a good day.

March 10, 2012

I am certainly glad to have yesterday over with and behind me not a good day at all. Today am feeling much better. Does this make sense, it is almost good to have a bad day. It makes our good days feel so much better, if we take the time to realize and appreciate it.

I am online should anyone wish to chat

March 8, 2012

I am online should anyone wish to chat. I will delete this post when I go off. Gone off line but have received comments so am leaving post up. If anyone is interested in chatting the mornings are usually the best time to find me online.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Life

March 7, 2012

“No one ever said life would always be easy, just so worth it.” That is something I have really come to understand and appreciate over the years. A big regret of mine is that it is only in this late stage of my life that I have come to realize and truly appreciate that.

I have had 5 heart attacks and with each one my thinking began to change. More and more with each in progression. Hey surprisingly I also found my taste buds changed a little with each in turn. I now enjoy a cup of tea and even eat Brussel sprouts, sheesh where did that come from. Things were changing for me but really it took the, “you are dying words” coming out of my doctors mouth to really bring big changes to my thinking. “Two years if I am lucky”. That conversation cheered me right down. I give thanks to our Heavenly Father as here we are 7 years later and I am still poking away. I may not have the same zip and drive but everything considered I am doing well.

It is strange but back in my younger days I used to joke around that when my time came I wanted to be hit by lightning or something. Put me down and out fast before I know what is happening. Well that thought didn’t come to be for which I am so very grateful. It may sound strange but hearing those words from my doctor has turned out to be on of the greatest blessings of my life. It opened my mind to the realities of life what is and isn’t important. When you see and realize that you are able to live life not endure it. Things in life that would have had me in a flap don’t even register on my radar any more.

Now that doesn’t mean I am oblivious to all that goes on around me and that nothing gets to me. Example, a month or so ago we had a plumber come to the house. First off he was 6 hours late in getting there. I had a doctors appointment that afternoon and with him being so late I wasn’t home when he arrived. He had in fact been there for about 1/2 hour when I arrived home. The job was straight forward and Vi had told him what was needed. When I arrived home Vi was a little upset saying the plumber was arrogant and had been rude to her. Don’t let things get to me, phooey, anyone want to guess how long it took me to throw him out of the house.

I was on the chat line just a few moments ago with evaND777. It was nice chatting with you. I am so very sorry to hear of your brothers cancer. I am assuming we got cut off or something as suddenly you just weren’t there. I am not sure when we got cut off or if you got my last few posts..You asked if I would be willing to chat with your brother and the answer was and is yes. I invite you and your brother to comment on the blog and I know support will be there for you. If either of you want to chat one on one leave me a message on the blog telling me so and I will contact you.

PS. I just noticed the stats for the blog. It has been a while since I looked at them. Today some time someone will be visitor #300,000. Just out of interest if that happens to be you please leave me a message, it is another milestone.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Two certainties in life – death and taxes

March 7, 2012

I am not sure where I heard it or maybe read it or maybe even am just making it up, I don’t know. “There are only two certainties in life, death and taxes”. There may be other things but just off the top of my head I can’t think of any.

Let’s think about the taxes, We complain, grumble, curse and then ultimately pay them. The subject of taxes is wide open for discussion at any and every opportunity. We all have our opinions and love to share them. They are too high, unfair, are we getting the best bang for the buck…….. We all are so very ready, eager even to have our say on this subject. Now in reality I know  there are those that can evade or just not pay taxes. So what does that mean, there is only one certainty in life. No one can evade or avoid it. We are all heading to that same fate just on a different time line.

As it is something we do all have in common, why is it such a difficult almost taboo subject. We don’t want to talk about it, think about it. That is until it jumps up and hits us in the face. We don’t even want to think about it until it is forced on us with the illness or passing of a loved one or facing our own mortality. It is like we are caught off guard, we are shocked, stunned not knowing what to do, say or even at times think. We are caught totally unprepared. Hey this is a “life changing event” that we know is coming and yet are still caught off guard. Why?

A loved one passes and we are caught not having any idea of what their wishes may have been. We are forced into difficult, uncomfortable decision because we didn’t talk. Does your family know what your wishes would be? Do you know theirs? I pray all have long healthy lives but that time will come.

I think it is fear that keeps us silent. If facing our own passing it is fear of the unknown. We don’t know what lies ahead and beyond. I will be getting into my own thoughts on that.  If we are facing the passing of a loved one, it is fear again. Now I know many may disagree with this but I think it is fear at the thought of facing the future without this person.

We know what is facing each of us so how do we help prepare ourselves? I would love to hear your thoughts on this. I will be sharing mine

Dying Man’s Dail;y Journal – Back to the beginning

March 6, 2012

I haven’t been feeling all that spry of late, feeling down in the dumps. Very lethargic, no energy have to push myself to do almost everything. Yes, these are the symptoms of heart failure but I do think it has gone beyond that. I have struggled, worked at maintaining a positive attitude never wanting to get into that woe is me mind set,. Some how in spite of myself I have managed to get myself there. It took me a while to realize it and then longer to accept it. Why is it so hard to recognize and then accept things within our own behavior or mind set that there are things going on that we don’t like. Stranger even to me is that once we do reach this point, if we do at all, we are so very reluctant to do anything about it. We truly are our own worst enemies, our own thoughts our worst enemies. What are our thoughts, nothing but ideas running around in our heads. We can change those ideas/thoughts and by doing that we change our perspective of ourselves and the whole world. Now that I do realize where I am in my thinking, I realize it is time to make the changes necessary or at least work on them as I know it can take time.

This blog has been a huge help/support to me, for me. Writing, getting my feelings out and then receiving the wonderful loving support of so many wonderful  people from all over the world, I can’t describe it. So I am going back to the basics, the beginning. Writing out my core beliefs and feelings will help re-enforce them in my own mind.

I think it is fair to say none of us or at least very few of us want to die. I do have strong spiritual beliefs but I am not going to get into them quite yet. Now logic tells me If you don’t want to die, you must want to keep living your life as good or bad as it may seem to you at the time. I hope and pray the lives of everyone that may read this are very good. If that is so, do you take the time to appreciate it or do you just take it for granted. Take a minute and think about that. Now, if your life is not as good as you would like it to be, what are you doing about it?

Very often the biggest thing we can change in our lives is often the only thing we can change and that is our own thinking. That is what I am doing, what about you!!!

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Depression

March 1, 2012

I really do work at maintaining a positive attitude. That attitude has helped me through so much. It seems for about the past year maybe year and a half I have struggled more and more with it. I am not sure when it happened but somewhere along the line I seem to have even stopped working at it. I hadn’t even realized it but did notice I was feeling down more and more.

I saw my doctor last week and talked to him about it. His description of the symptoms of depression seem to pretty much fit me at this time. He has prescribed an anti-depressant.It may take a while  for it to kick in. I will keep working on it myself. I have a lot of faith in the medications prescribed by the doctors. Those medications have kept me alive. I know this will work with a little time.