I AM BACK. A while ago I wrote of how I was feeling let’s just say down. Well 5 or 6 weeks ago I spoke to my doctor about it and he prescribed an antidepressant.Now it didn’t kick in immediately but wow am I ever feeling better. Hey I am already taking 15 or 16 pills a day so what is one more especially when it has such a dramatic affect on how I am feeling. I have been struggling with a life issue that surprisingly is not even related to my health. There is obviously a life lesson here for me to learn and now I can see that a little more clearly. It is all about establishing healthy boundaries.
Speaking of boundaries reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a short while ago. OK, I had my wonkie head going on at the time and I am memory guy but the conversation went something like this:
Don: “Don’t you have any boundaries or limitations on what you write on your blog?”
Me: “Huh”
Don: You share everything on your blog even the most intimate and personal detail. You share all the personal details about your health, your mortality, your beliefs everything. You even wrote about your erectile dysfunction, now what guy is going to admit that. What guy is going to even admit that never mind tell the world. Now your writing about your depression.
Me: Aww
Now I can’t actually remember his exact wording but it was to that effect. I am sort of chuckling as I sit here as some where through the conversation he commented “even this conversation will likely be on the blog.” Gee, I guess you were right Don.
I don’t have my wonkie head today so I can answer his questions a little better
Why do I write about death and dying. Well obviously I can’t yet relate to the actual dying process but from what I am going through on this last leg of my earthly journey. This is something that unless you actually experience it, no matter how hard you try to can’t relate. I don’t want to minimize the love and support provided by those around us, that is so values and appreciated. It is just this leg of our journey is a lonely one. It is sort of like that saying, you can feel your loneliest when you are in a room full of other people. If you know you are dying that feeling of loneliness can be crushing.
I had and still hope to provide shall we say a venue for all to join in to receive the loving non-judgemental support we all need at this time. Yes, when I did start this I had the goal in mind of helping others and I am humbled by the fact that my simple words have been able to do that. I started with the “noble” idea of helping others. This whole process has been such a win/win situation as I have gained so much, received so much loving support, grown so much as a person. I guess it is true, “give and your shall receive”
As for the erectile dysfunction. OK, that one is a little embarrassing and what can I say. It is a “secret” that many men carry. I don’t think we like to talk about it as it reflects on our own macho esteem, feeling less of a man. Maybe if we bring it out more into the open and talk about it we can help easy that self imposed stigma. Geesh, I just read that last couple of sentences and am feeling embarrassed by it.
It is like that with the depression or I suppose any mental illness, we don’t want to talk about it as it relates to ourselves.
Or, maybe I yak about all this as I just like to talk. My mother usesd to joke that the way I like to talk, she is sure when I was vacinated it must have been with a gramaphone needle
Dying mans daily journal 
I so admire vulnerability in blogs – how else will real conversations ever take place?
Great blog and a great post.
Bill, yak away. It makes people feel better to be able to share what we’re going through. My husband kept stuff like ED away from me and suffered in silence for quite some time. When he finally “butched up” and told me what was going on, WE BOTH felt better for it. When it comes to this time in our life – DYING – what better time to just let it all hang out and be honest. If it helps only one person, great! I’m personally happy that you’re on-line with your feelings and honesty. y life is better for it…..so thank you! Patti
Hi Bill .. personally I think it is great – and I am absolutely certain will be so useful to many. I’m not in your shoes .. but I appreciate you expressing your thoughts – especially as my mother is severely stroked and obviously on her latter day journey .. she is fed with a PEG tube .. it’s what can happen, and she does love to talk .. or did rather – but we still get smiles and life is worth celebrating .. so as her daughter, even though she’s in a Nursing Centre, my time with her is valuable to us both … I ensure she has visitors twice a day .. absolutely essential, as sadly my brothers don’t do much. But she’s loved by her visitors and I’m ‘always’ there for her ..
So pleased you’re feeling better – I have a friend who has depression brought on by children .. and she’s fine if she takes her pills – she did try to wean herself off them – but worked out: it wasn’t a good thing.
Good for you .. and thank you for posting .. cheers Hilary
Oh, another thing – as we are going through all this BS paint and difficulty, our spelling isn’t so great. Our grammar goes to heck, and our sense of humor is in the toilet…often…
So, I hope that people can get past that too! Oh, yeah, we’re HUMAN, and perhaps this is important to understand too.
I gave up perfection some time ago. And, boy – do I feel better about things because of that!
HUGS.
The world supplies us amply with veneers, charm and insincerity. Priorities change with the realities we face. The issues that our egos thought were so important fall aside. I appreciate the uncluttered honesty you present, Bill.
Let’s face it…we are all dying. We can learn how to live from the people who openly face their dying. I think about my relationships with people in my life when I am with a person who is in that raw stage of existence.
In fact, Bill, I have a phone call I have to make right now. It’s unfinished business about undiscussed, hurt feelings and sooooo unnecessary.
Thanks.
Bill…..I just loved your blog. It is so honest and I could also feel your energy coming through. I am so happy that the new medication has helped your depression. Depression can definitely affect how you feel physically….not something you need with everything else you are dealing with. Stay on the pills as you say you already take several, one more won’t matter.
Thank you for sharing and take care.
Dear Bill,
Glad to hear you’re feeling better!! I can hear the energy and optimism shining through. We all go through those low spots…it makes the good times even better. Make lots of sunny hours…count only the sunny hours…it is in our power. I’m learning lots from you. I’m forever grateful.
Thinking of you often…praying for you always, Wiseman.
Irene
Bill, first of, I’m glad you’re feeling better.
Secondly, I come to your blog because of your honesty and bravery in sharing with us what it is like from where you are. I hope that from you I can learn, not only how to face my time when it comes, but also better ways of helping other people who may be in your situation. Thanks for writing EVERYTHING!