Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Feeling guilt


The New Year hasn’t seem to start off all that well for Vi and I. It hasn’t been a lot of fun as we have both had the flu and a nasty one at that. In all of the time I have known Vi I have never know her to take a sick day from work. Well she did this past Saturday, speaks to how really bad she was feeling. As fo me, well we all know a “man cold” is so much worse than a lady cold and what more do I need to say about that. Feeling a lot better now it is just more a stuffy sinus thing.

Want to say hello to Drew. We had new doors installed recently and have been having a few problems with them. I dropped by the company office of the door company, spoke to Drew and within about 1 1/2 hours a gentleman man by the name of Bill is here fixing it. Now that is service.

With having this flu it gave me time to do more plain old thinking, not always a good thing. lol.

I have learned a lot in this past few months particularly, I have been on a real learning curve. Here on the blog I share my thoughts and feelings about this whole dying business. Each of us process this situation differently. Just as the families, loved ones and friends deal with a lose in their own way. I know I have said that dozens of times. When it comes right down to it how are we to know who and how a passing will hit another.

I am struggling to come to terms with a loss of my own. I lost, we all lost a blogging friend Meg. Meg had stage 4 cancer, her days were numbered. As a doctor she knew what her remaining days would be like and chose to end her life as opposed to going through the night mare she knew faced her. With her suicide I find myself carrying a element of guilt. In her messages to me, she so often spoke of the loneliness. She spoke of how wonderful it would be to check her email and find dozens of messages waiting there for her. As far as I know from what she said I well may have been the only person she really had any contact with. I could have filled her in box daily, with all the jokes and wise message and saying that I receive. 2 or 3 times a week I sent usually short personal messages. I am left wondering could I have done more? I know I could have. Would that have made any difference, that we will never know. My head tells me likely not but my heart is not so sure.

This is post #995

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5 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Feeling guilt

  1. Casey B says:

    Dear Bill,

    I am sorry to read that you are struggling with guilt. I suppose it’s strangely common in situations such as these. ‘I could have filled her inbox daily…’ your words really speak to me, as I’m battling with trying to persuade myself that I need to delete the emails from when the friend I lost most recently was in hospital. I can also identify with you in terms of desperately feeling like there’s something we could have done that would have changed things. I think you know as well as I do that there wasn’t. Although, like you say, it doesn’t make a great deal of difference. The head knows, the heart feels.

    I hope you will continue to express your feelings about this immense loss to the community you have created here. I know that my rambling probably doesn’t help much, but I hope it offers something of use to you.

    Best wishes,

    Casey

    Hi Casey and thank you for stopping by.I understand what you are saying about those emails. I at this time imagine Meg’s messages will remain with me forever Wouldn’t life be so much easier if we could just flip a switch and that which we know to be true in our heads we could feel in our heartsl Take care my friend
    Bill

  2. Hilary says:

    Hi Bill .. thanks for enlightening us that Meg took her own life – brave lady. It would be helpful to know more of her background – ie in the run up to her death – to get an understanding of how an intelligent woman felt so alone. I know we can’t know .. well certainly not now .. but her story is one that could be helpful to others.

    With many thoughts – Hilary

    Hi Hilary, thank you for the visit. Meg spent her life helping others I know she would want to continue to help with the sharing of her story. I have actually tried a couple of times to put a post together on that. It seems this old head of mine is having a harder and harder time organizing such things. I am going to have to just reread her emails and and just let it out with a ramble.

  3. Mel says:

    Apparently you and I are a whole lot alike.
    I have that same first response.
    And then I kick into ‘do whatever’s put in front of you’–‘be the responsible one’.
    It’s not until later that I let myself start to feel what I feel. And by then, it’s added up to a whole lot that I sometimes struggle putting into words. I don’t think it’s an uncommon response, and it gets the jobs in front of us done that need done. Jobs that others just can’t seem to muster up doing, nor would I ask them to. I’m doing what I do to get through the moment and be of help to others. I’m thinking that’s not a bad thing–it’s just how I operate at that moment.

    You’re not alone in some of that guilt–though I’m not sure it’s guilt…..maybe it’s a pondering that’s a good ponder to do. Was there more to be done? Are there things to take from this and move forward with? Can I rest knowing that what I gave was what I needed to give at that moment in time, knowing that the results aren’t mine and that what I brought to the relationship were good things?
    Meg made an educated decision that she believed was hers to make. And ultimately, isn’t that true? It’s between her and her G-d–and I’m of the belief that He smiled when He embraced her.

    Okay….NOW I’m crying.
    See how that works?
    All those questions you ask you–I ask me.

    I love ya, Bill.
    For all that you are.
    For all that you do.
    For all that your heart does for others.
    For who you are in my life.
    For who you’re not in my life.

    You…….I….We don’t get to be G-d. We don’t get to decide for others. We get to love ’em while we got ’em…..and thank Him for taking such good care of those we’ve come to love as our brothers/sisters in this journey.
    He took very good care of Meg. He still is………

    ((((((((((((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))))))))

    Thank you Mel. Your comments always provide me with so much to think about while at the same time providing comfort to my heart.

  4. rangewriter says:

    Bill, I think you were amazingly supportive of Meg. It is through your blog that many people began trying to interact with her and include her in their own cyber-conversations. True, that is not the same thing as having someone in the room holding your hand. But through your blog and your concern you did amazing things for her.

    But lets face it, as you point out, she was a doctor. Who better to judge quality of life? She knew what was coming and simply didn’t want to face it. She might well have made the same decision with 50 people streaming in and out of her house to hold her, bring her flowers, bathe her, and love her.

    And…lonliness…I understand that. But I also understand that some of us tend to push others away. Then suddenly when we need others in our lives, there’s no one there. Sometimes there’s a reason a person is alone and it is no one’s fault. It just is the way it is.

    In my mind, you are a hero for having extended yourself so fully, so openly and generously. And I can’t imagine a situation more difficult than to be a dying person watching another person walk the path ahead of you. It seems like it would be very scary…very very scary.

    Love yourself. You deserve it.

    I thank you so much for your kind comment and words of support. I thank you for the “hero” reference but believe me I am no hero, just a guy trying to deal with life and provide a helping hand to others where I can. Yes, it is difficult at times, emotional at times but still so worth it. As much as you can via email, I have been allowed the honor of accompanying different people along this the final leg of our earthly journey. Does it bring my own mortality to mind? Yes it does and I do struggle at times. But, I wouldn’t change a thing. I have gained so much, grown so much through this experience. These special friends gifted me with some of their precious remaining time. In many ways it is like they are leading the way, showing me the way home.

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