I have written in the past of how grief is a personal and individual thing. We each deal with it in our own way. How do I deal with it? A dear friend Meg passed recently and I am dealing with it now. These feelings do take me back to when I lost my parents.
When I first receive the news it immediately has a physical effect. It is like I am hit in the stomach with a hammer. Instead of feeling the pain of such a blow, I immediately feel empty, hollow inside. I feel at a loss, unsure of what I think or what to do. I with draw inside. I need time to sort things out in my head.Outwardly I show very little if any emotion.I just carry on and do what ever has to be done. While doing this I am sort of in a detached robotic type state. for me I need a little bit of time before I am ready to even talk about it other than maybe in very general terms. Emotionally I suppose I have shut down. I am like there in body only. It seems I need that time period to really get my head wrapped around what has happened. It is then that I can, I suppose readjust my thinking and open up, talk about it and move on. I am not sure maybe for me it is a cooping mechanism. I loved my mother dearly but outwardly I showed no emotion. Funeral arrangements were made. It came and went and I showed nothing. The truth of the matter is I felt nothing except that empty hollow feeling inside. No, that is not quite correct, I did have feelings of being grateful the good Lord had called her home to end her suffering on this earth. She was in tremendous pain at the end. I just in my robotic state just plodded along getting through it. I can’t remember how long it took, a week maybe 2 before my own sense of loss or sadness began to set in. It was only when I reached that point that I could open up and talk about it all.
That is pretty much the same road map I have followed since the passing of Meg.
I suppose I have worked my way past my “shut down” and want to talk about all that I learned from Meg. I have been facing my own passing for a number of years now and have maybe grown a little cocky thinking I know what this part of life’s journey is like, all about. I write grief in individual, well so is dying. Meg opened my eyes to a whole new aspect of it. Really got me thinking about the loneliness that comes with it. Meg, i thank you for that. I will be doing a number of posting of all that you taught me.
Well huh, this is certainly another example of how my rambling has like a mind of its own and just takes off leading me in directions other than I had in mind when I started. Before I start any post I always say a little prayer asking for guidance in helping me to find the words that will help someone, anyone today. This is where my rambling thoughts have taken me today