DyingMan’s Daily Journal – Passing of a friend

For a while now I have been sitting here staring at the computer screen. I am saddened and at a loss for words. Maybe numb is a good word to describe it. It some how amazes me how we can grow to care for our cyber friends. These are people we have never met and realistically never will meet in person.  Some how through the power of words typed on a computer screen friendships and bonds are developed. I am so very grateful for the friendships the bonds I have with each and everyone of you out there.

In the past few posts I have written about one of you my blogging friends. I have written about Meg. Meg, a 42 year old woman, was fighting the final futile battle with cancer. Meg’s husband and only child have previously passed leaving her totally alone to fight this battle. Meg,  then totally threw herself into her work becoming a workaholic, not taking the time to make friends to accompany on this difficult journey. Work became her life, leaving her feeling she had no life when cancer robbed her of the ability to work as the doctor she was.

Meg and I exchanged an number of emails. Plus, Vi and I chatted with her once on the computer via skype.  We each knew the seriousness of the health condition of the other. Hey, let’s face it when I pass I am sure it will be all over the blog letting her and everyone else know. How would I know should something happen to here.
Emails would just stop coming and I would be left wondering not knowing. Meg advised me that as she really had no friends she would ask her solicitor to let me know via email. I was totally shocked this morning to receive that email:

Dear Mr Howdle,

I have been retained to act on behalf of Dr Megan…….

It is with deep sadness that I  write to inform you that Dr ……… ended her life yesterday.  In her final correspondence to me she asked that I let you know how very grateful she was for the time you spent with her.  I have copied her message to you below.

Hi Bill,

Please don’t cry.  Don’t be sad for me.  I simply couldn’t bear the loneliness any longer, especially knowing that this would be my last few months of life.  The silence of my life was bigger than me in the end.  If this was another time, another place then I know you and Vi would have absorbed me into your family but sometimes circumstances intervene and stop us from having what we need so desperately.  My dreams were small; a human voice to laugh with, to make the tough stuff easier, a hand to hold when the tough stuff was too tough, to know that in this life I was loved and that I mattered, not as Dr……. , but as Meggy.    There is a wonderful quote from MacLeod’s book, snapshots on a journey, which says, ‘None of us know what it will be like when the time comes. But we know it will help if people are with us on the journey – people not frightened to listen to us, who will not leave us to negotiate the last part of the track alone’.  That is what you gifted to me my precious friend and I would ask this one last thing of you: please never question the remarkable gift you are giving to anyone whose life is being touched by death just by being you.  Don’t devalue what you do, don’t underestimate it, don’t forget what a wonderful gift your human presence has brought to many others, simply cherish it and each other.  When you remember me, remember me with love.  The poem below may help you with that.

You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

with my love and gratitude

meg xx

11 Responses to DyingMan’s Daily Journal – Passing of a friend

  1. Patti says:

    Words are not enough to describe loss such as this. She was a special person. Although I did not know her personally, I felt that I did. All of us will go – it’s not an easy passacge and she knew it, yet understood it too; Meg gave us much – with beautiful and graceful language and feelings. Love to Meg and to all of those of us who follow in her footsteps.

  2. Lenore Diane says:

    Bill, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing this with us. Meg has been in my thoughts, and I wondered how or if I would find out when her journey ended. After losing my Dad, I thought death was the worst part of living life, because you had to live without your loved one. After learning about Meg, I realize being alone is far worse than losing a loved one.
    I am so very sorry she was alone, and I am so very grateful you are not alone.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers, Bill.

  3. rangewriter says:

    Rest peacefully, Meggy.

  4. souldipper says:

    On my daily walk, I have a huge maple tree that draws me to its trunk for a short meditation. Buddha had his tree and it seems one has adopted me. There is a claim that an abundant energy is stored in trees and we are only beginning to understand. I just listened to a Botanist who has proven the inter-connectedness of the entire root system that is underground. Scientists are seeing how trees work together, through their root systems, to support, sustain and refurbish each other and assure growth.

    This morning when I arrived at my tree, I wrapped my arms around the enormous trunk and stood silent. You, then Meg and other friends came to mind.

    You know how I’ve been feeling protective towards you…so today I asked to be cleared of my concern. I wanted to know that, no matter the circumstances, all was well. That purpose was being served.

    My prayer was answered – albeit, true to God’s Nature, in this unexpected disclosure.

    I’m so glad that Viv and you had a Skype conversation with Meg. Learning that Meg was a Dr.brings light to her dire loneliness. I know how professionalism can put a protective guard (not to be judged, but often too respected) around interactions and exchanges with others.

    Meg…what a short life; yet with such impact. Blessings on your continued journey. I know your are with Love.

    Because of you, Meg, I’m going to change my hesitation about hugging a Doctor in her 50s who has been struggling with Alcohol and Drug addiction. Too often, she is treated like a Doctor instead of a human being who needs to be needed, wanted and loved.

    Thank you, Meg.

  5. publikworks says:

    My heart is broken.

  6. Noel says:

    Bill, all I can say to you is that we are here to listen to you, we are here yo be present with you…. no words can relieve the pain you are having….so all we can do is be here for you. Please keep blogging and letting us know how you are doing….

  7. Betty says:

    Rest in Peace Meg. You will no longer be alone.

    Bill, please take care. I know you were a great comfort to Meg. She managed to find you when her need was the greatest…this meeting of words was ment to be. That is why your blog is so special.

  8. Mel says:

    My heart hurts.

    ((((((((((((( Bill and Vi ))))))))))))))

  9. M T McGuire says:

    I don’t really know what to say other than that I’m sorry.


    MTM (aka BC)

  10. Cat says:

    I’m so sorry, Bill. Rest in peace, Meg.

  11. Hilary says:

    Hi Bill .. what a lovely email to receive from her – even from beyond the grave .. that’s generous and shows her worth .. The poem is very emotional too ..

    Be at peace Meg – and Bill .. my thoughts are with you and Vi .. Hilary

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