In a few of the comments I have read recently, I read of some I suppose basic human emotions. They span the entire spectrum from love on one side over to fear, panic and feelings of vulnerability. At least to some degree we have all experienced each of these and all the other emotions.
The context of these messages got me thinking back to the very first time I heard the dying word. I don’t think you can ever be prepared to hear that about your self. But, I suppose to some extent I had been prepared. By that I mean, Huh, I can’t even remember now, it was either after heart attack #3 or #4. I think #4 but it doesn’t matter. I had by that time on numerous occasions heard things like shortened life expectancy etc.
It is a huge leap though to go from hearing shortened life expectancy to you are dying. This may be strange I don’t know, but I didn’t even get upset. Instead it is like I went blank. I remember feeling totally empty inside except for what felt like a huge weight in my lower abdominal area. I felt lost, not knowing what to do. I am sure the doctor went on to say more after that but even 2 minutes after I left his office I could remember nothing but I AM DYING. That is news that cheers you right down. I became like a walking zombie, my body was there but really I wasn’t. At first I told no one. The zombie me just carried on, I wasn’t afraid, nor angry nothing. Maybe it was a form of denial, I was just empty.
Over the course of time I got a 2nd and then a 3rd opinion. I liked neither of them, they just confirmed what had been told to me. Somewhere in that time, the emotions started to kick in. Panic is the one I remember the best as I think it was with me the most. It was panic about all the things I wanted to and needed to get done. Outwardly I did my best to remain cool and calm. As my brain scrambled through all those emotions my body continued to feel hollow, empty inside??
Somewhere back there I also began to open up to family. Maybe I was avoiding saying the “I am dying” words because by saying them it would some how make it real. As long as I kept it my head maybe I thought is was then just a conceptual thing, just a thought and what is a thought, really nothing. Saying it made it real.
I really don’t understand this but as I began to talk about it, I suppose I opened up my heart to the love around me. That feeling of emptiness began to lessen.
Then I came up with the idea for this blog. because of my circumstances I had been doing a lot of reading on death, dying, the afterlife etc.. A few things really struck me doing that reading. Talking about death/dying is a taboo subject for most. We don’t even want to let ourselves think about it. As I thought about it, I realize that is a little ironic (I suppose that is a good word to describe what I am thinking). Dying is the one and only thing that each and everyone of us, every person on this planet has in common, we are all going to die when our time comes. As I read different books I began to see a pattern. One chapter would told of someone sad that they didn’t get to say good bye to a loved one. The next chapter would talk of someone being afraid, or nervous maybe just not wanting to go and visit the dying,. Total opposites of each other. I think to me the saddest stories were of those that for what ever reason passed up the opportunity to visit a loved one and then regretted it when it was to late.
I came up with the grandiose idea that maybe by sharing my story, I could maybe give others a bit of an understanding of what it is like and maybe alleviate some the the fears.
I admit I was very nervous and felt vulnerable about going on line and sharing my inner most thoughts. Dying is a very personal thing and we all deal with it in our own way. What sort of reaction would I get from baring my soul to the world?
A WONDERFUL REACTION is what it has proven to be. I have received loving support from literally all around the world. The more I opened up my heart and shared, the more vulnerable I became. I had to open my heart to let the love out. By opening it more love than I could ever have imagined flowed in. I thank you all.
That hollow empty feeling has long since gone.