Dying Man’s Daily Journal – To know you are dying

March 13, 2011

One of the big benefits of having a journal is being able to go back and read where you were physically, emotionally and spiritually at that time. It gives you an idea of how far you have come in the interim. It started with me googling a couple of terms I was looking for information on or inspiration from. My own blog came up in the list of reference sites, Geesh, what good is that!!! I wrote it so I must already know that. I have come to accept “I am memory guy”. Who knows what I have forgotten, not me anyway.

I am not sure why but some how I feel kind of embarrassed going back a rereading some of what I posted. Mostly I treat this as a private journal in which I just post what ever thoughts are in my head at the time. It would be one thing if I left it as a “private” journal but no I share it with the world, hoping someone, anyone may benefit in some way from what I write. I have started to read some at different times but never made it too far along before that feeling of “embarrassment” came along and I quit. So I can say about 95% of my own posts I have never read. I have never proof read, edited or anything. The first couple of years or so I didn’t even use spell checker. (I do spell check now) but that is it. I type it and up it goes, straight from the heart. Some I read and thing, gee, I was on a pretty good role that day. Others though just sort of make me cringe and hang my head with thoughts of hitting the delete button coming to mind.

I am going to keep going. Geesh, I hadn’t looked at the stats lately, this is post #899. In my wildest dreams I never thought I would make it this far. More and more going forward I may likely be putting up bits and pieces of previous posts.

Here is a bit from a post way back in Nov/06.

My administrators site, here on the blog, allows me to see the wording people put into their search engines to find my journal. Most often are inquiries into how to talk to the dying or on what it feels like to know you are dying.

How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.

It is almost like being at the beach, standing in the water on a windy day. A wave comes at you and almost knocks you off your feet. You struggle and regain your balance, just in time for the next wave to hit. Over time, the strength of the waves subside and you think your footing is a little more secure. Suddenly, out of seemingly no where another large wave hits and you almost lose your balance again.

I suppose that pretty much describes the grieving process for anything. You can be hit by wave after wave of denial or anger, what ever, each wave trying to knock you down. The emotional waves don’t hit in any particular order or strength. Gradually, these waves do lessen in strength or intensity and you come to the peacefulness of acceptance. You are still not out of the water, and at anytime a wave can suddenly come back and hit.

Over time these emotional waves become less frequent and less severe. For me acceptance came almost as a relief. Knowing, I would not have to deal with the roller coaster ride of emotions, the ups and downs. Am I totally free of these feelings, no. I don’t really know, if I ever will be totally free. As long as you are alive, how can you be totally free of your feelings? Accepting them is one, thing being free of them is another. The waves have just been downsized and more easily manageable.

Maybe, I am still in an element of denial. I know what the doctors have said and I accept that. I just don’t think it is going to happen any time soon. Is that denial or just the human spirit pushing us on? I don’t know. With acceptance does that mean I have given up? No. Does that mean I have lost the will to live? NO. All it means is I am ready to go when God calls me, but not one minute before that. I do not fear death, I just want to delay it as long as possible.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – The Perfect Age

March 12, 2011

I came across this saying and it really has me thinking.

“you are the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will be.”

How many times have I heard people say I am to old or I am to young, huh. Read that line again. Doesn’t that mean now is the perfect time the perfect age for anything we want to do.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – The thought of dying is scary

March 10, 2011

After yesterday’s post Henri left a wonderful comment. His thoughts echoed my own but were so very well stated that I encourage all to read them. With those thoughts he posted a you tube video clip. That is just amazing something all should view.

Dying is the one thing every single one of us have in common, timing is the only difference. None are spared this fate. That thought is scary to all. It is easy to say I am not afraid when we believe will occur in the distant future, the distant future we hope. What happens, how do we react when suddenly we realize it will not be in the far distant future. All the time we thought we had has some how snuck right by us. We still may not know the when it will happen but do know it will be much sooner than we would like. Then what do we do? How do we deal with the situation in which we now find ourselves? This I do know,it is not easy.

There is a saying I have heard that is something like, “no one ever said life would be easy, just so worth it.”  It is so worth it, why is it we so often don’t realize and appreciate that until it is nearing its end. We can suddenly look back at even times in our lives, that at the time we thought were horrific, the very worst thing that could ever happen to us. Now, we suddenly realize that we would happily trade our current situation for what we had back then. Makes you think doesn’t it.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Women Second Class Citizens????

March 9, 2011

Yesterday was the International Day of the Woman. Women around the world gathered to celebrate their achievements and protest inequities and unfairness towards them. I say right on and congratulations Ladies, great advances have been made towards what I feel is just common sense. Men and women are equals in every way and should be seen and respected as such, with NO exceptions.
The very thought that ANY female would actually be considered “second class” to ANY male is just beyond my ability to understand. Every single person on this planet IS EQUAL and guess what: “THAT INCLUDES WOMEN, ALL WOMEN” .

I say that but know it is not the case with all. Picture me shaking my head with that sad realization The degree to which women are accepted as equals or as second class citizens seems to vary all around the world. It can vary from country to country, from culture to culture and from religion to religion right down to individual man to man.  I just ask why, it makes no sense to me at all. I am not an expert on all cultures or all religions, can anyone tell me if there is such a one that does treat women as being 100% equal to men in all ways?

Ladies you rock, you keep the fight going, I am with you.

A thought just hit me. I should be clear on one thing.Does the mere fact you are a woman automatically earn my respect, NO. No more that just by the fact that you are a male will earn my respect. I see equality in that area also.

I do in my mind put people into different groupings. I believe about 90% of the population (which includes women) are good honest hard working people doing what ever they have to do, to get though life. I see about 5% of the population as being what I call Earth Angels (includes women). These are the ones that always are willing to go the extra mile to help another. The remaining 5% are those that I consider jerks ( this also includes women) and male or female make no difference in my mind. If you are a “jerk” I have no time for you. Occupation, financial or social status means nothing. What is in your heart says it all.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Success in Life

March 8, 2011

I put up a quote in my last post. It basically asked a simple question what do you feel makes up a successful life. It was based on a quote I received via email from a blogging friend: 

” Success is to be measured not so much by the position people have reached in life but by the obstacles they have overcome.” Booker T Washington.

Over the past few years with all this dying business, I have come to my own conclusions as to what makes up a successful life. Worldly achievements or accomplishments while nice and may be self gratifying at the time, may well mean nothing in the end, in the overall  big picture of life. You well may have had a spectacular career in your chosen field or work.You well may be lauded by piers and all that know you as being a great success. You may well feel that way yourself at the time and good for you. You have worked hard and deserve the recognition. Is that a successful life? Well maybe or maybe not.

Trust me, I know as you know you are nearing the end of your days, perspectives change. Try to imagine this. You are lying on your death bed. What thoughts on your life do you think may be running through your head at that time. At that time do you still think having had a spectacular career, will in your mind, by itself still seem like a successful life. I some how seriously doubt that.

I think most if not all when in that situation will look back over life with a lot of regrets or I at least know that is how I see it. We then face the if only’s. By that time it is too late to do anything but sadly look back. Generally I think we like to take the path of least resistance. Take the easiest way to get through the day. Taking that easy way is to avoid obstacles be they real or imaginary. How many times has a perceive obstical caused us to alter our course, change our plans our goals even if just ever so slightly.

Skirting or avoiding a obstical usually doesn’t remove it from our lives. It just temporarily move it to the side where it stays but continually comes back to poke us again and again. It is like having a monkey on our back. With time this avoidance of issues can become a pattern, until more and more monkeys climb on our shoulders. Enough and we get weighed down to the point we are exhausted just carrying that weight and we flounder. We are so weighed down we lose sight of our own lives we miss out on so much and the regrets begin to compile. We always take tomorrow for granted until suddenly we are shocked taken totally by surprise when we realize tomorrow will not be there. It is too late to improve things, too late to change things. Sad.

For me living a good life is living one with no regrets left on the table.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – What is Success in Life?

March 6, 2011

I thank all that have expressed concern over my health with the blurred vision etc.. I did speak to medical guidance Or I guess it was Vi that did. By the time I spoke with them, what ever it was had cleared. It only last maybe 15/20 minutes. I was right after and am feeling fine. I have scheduled appoints with both my cardiologist and neurologist with in the next month. With having no other symptoms I was told it was OK to stay at home and rest. If it happens again head to emergency.

I received an email in from a dear blogging friend. It contained a short but so very important message:

” Success is to be measured not so much by the position people have reached in life but by the obstacles they have overcome.” Booker T Washington.

Please just think about that and let me know what you think. I hope to share my ideas and thoughts tomorrow.

It has taken me several days to get a post up. I have come to the computer different times working on one of my long rambles. It seems keeping my thoughts together on it are a bit of a struggle. I may have to keep post short and to the point.

Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Had a scare

March 1, 2011

Had a bit of a scare yesterday that has me a little un-nerved. I was sitting here at the computer when suddenly it was like the whole world was spinning. All the writing on the screen blurred up to the point I couldn’t read anything. Went up stairs checked blood sugar and blood pressure both a little high but nothing to worry about. Suddenly I just had to throw up. It is lucky the bathroom is so close by. Went back laid down and felt much better after a while.

I know possible signs of a stroke. I fear a stroke more than I do another heart attack. Maybe I am a little too cocky when it comes to the heart attacks I don’t know. Maybe it is as I have had 5 of them, I kind of know what to expect with them. A stroke scares me. My greatest fear is to have a healthy active mind trapped in a totally incapacitated body, unable to even communicate. My instructions are clear should that happen, stop all medications immediately and just let me go.