One of the big benefits of having a journal is being able to go back and read where you were physically, emotionally and spiritually at that time. It gives you an idea of how far you have come in the interim. It started with me googling a couple of terms I was looking for information on or inspiration from. My own blog came up in the list of reference sites, Geesh, what good is that!!! I wrote it so I must already know that. I have come to accept “I am memory guy”. Who knows what I have forgotten, not me anyway.
I am not sure why but some how I feel kind of embarrassed going back a rereading some of what I posted. Mostly I treat this as a private journal in which I just post what ever thoughts are in my head at the time. It would be one thing if I left it as a “private” journal but no I share it with the world, hoping someone, anyone may benefit in some way from what I write. I have started to read some at different times but never made it too far along before that feeling of “embarrassment” came along and I quit. So I can say about 95% of my own posts I have never read. I have never proof read, edited or anything. The first couple of years or so I didn’t even use spell checker. (I do spell check now) but that is it. I type it and up it goes, straight from the heart. Some I read and thing, gee, I was on a pretty good role that day. Others though just sort of make me cringe and hang my head with thoughts of hitting the delete button coming to mind.
I am going to keep going. Geesh, I hadn’t looked at the stats lately, this is post #899. In my wildest dreams I never thought I would make it this far. More and more going forward I may likely be putting up bits and pieces of previous posts.
Here is a bit from a post way back in Nov/06.
My administrators site, here on the blog, allows me to see the wording people put into their search engines to find my journal. Most often are inquiries into how to talk to the dying or on what it feels like to know you are dying.
How does it feel to know you are dying? That is a difficult question, because the answer can be different from day to day or even from hour to hour. The feeling, range from denial, to fear, to guilt, to anger, to sadness and to acceptance. It is the same, I suppose, as any grieving process. You can’t work your way through one set of feelings and neatly move on to the next.
It is almost like being at the beach, standing in the water on a windy day. A wave comes at you and almost knocks you off your feet. You struggle and regain your balance, just in time for the next wave to hit. Over time, the strength of the waves subside and you think your footing is a little more secure. Suddenly, out of seemingly no where another large wave hits and you almost lose your balance again.
I suppose that pretty much describes the grieving process for anything. You can be hit by wave after wave of denial or anger, what ever, each wave trying to knock you down. The emotional waves don’t hit in any particular order or strength. Gradually, these waves do lessen in strength or intensity and you come to the peacefulness of acceptance. You are still not out of the water, and at anytime a wave can suddenly come back and hit.
Over time these emotional waves become less frequent and less severe. For me acceptance came almost as a relief. Knowing, I would not have to deal with the roller coaster ride of emotions, the ups and downs. Am I totally free of these feelings, no. I don’t really know, if I ever will be totally free. As long as you are alive, how can you be totally free of your feelings? Accepting them is one, thing being free of them is another. The waves have just been downsized and more easily manageable.
Maybe, I am still in an element of denial. I know what the doctors have said and I accept that. I just don’t think it is going to happen any time soon. Is that denial or just the human spirit pushing us on? I don’t know. With acceptance does that mean I have given up? No. Does that mean I have lost the will to live? NO. All it means is I am ready to go when God calls me, but not one minute before that. I do not fear death, I just want to delay it as long as possible.