I have really been feeling down this past while. I have always worked at, struggled to maintain a positive attitude. Attitude carries you a long way in this world and helps make the journey a lot easier even more enjoyable while it is carrying you along.
This whole dying business is kind of a big deal. I (as do we all) know it is coming, when is the only question. I can remember 3 or 4 times when medically the odds were really stacked against me, but for some reason I am still here. Hey, if I am like a cat that has 9 lives, I am in good shape, I still have 2 left.lol The good Lord has given extra time to prepare for what is to come. Generally, I have tried to use that time wisely. I wish to leave this earth with no negativity contained within my heart and no regrets for which I have not at least tried to make amends. When I get myself into “the zone” as I like to call it, I can write about how precious time is, don’t waste a precious moment of it. When I write that I know it, I believe it and I feel it. The zone is my term just for when I really have my head all together. I struggle to keep it there.
I find if I can come up with a physical comparable it helps me to understand it. Now I certainly am not trying to compare myself to an Olympic athlete but maybe it illustrates my point. An athlete trains preparing him/herself to peak physically and emotionally be in their zone at the time of the games. The date of the games arrives and they are ready only to be told, the games have been postponed, for an uncertain amount of time, but that they should keep themselves peeked indefinitely. How long would they be able to do that? I know a silly comparable.
I like being in “the zone”, it is peaceful, relaxed and I am content. Outside influences roll by me,off me like water off a ducks back, just not being important. I am just easy going, relaxed and go with the flow. Maybe, with years more work I could reach the point where nothing is important to me and so nothing would get to me. Obviously I am not there yet. There are things that are important to me!! Healthy boundaries are important. Easy going and relaxed does not translate to door mat.
I think it all started really back in May or June. That is when the 4 cardiologists disagreed about my up coming treatment. Two favoring immediate open heart surgery, two favoring doing nothing at all. That dragged on for 3 or 4 months. The not knowing what to be prepared for was for me difficult as there were and are serious consequences either way.
I think I was stressing over that when a couple of issues over the summer knocked me right out of the zone. I need to get off my butt and go something about it.