Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Lost Peace and Serenity

 I hope and pray 2011 is a wonderful year for all. I hope and pray for all that it is the very best year of your life so far and that each coming year after shall continue to just get better and better.

I am not making any New Year’s resolutions but I am approaching the new year with more resolve, a greater determination to work on myself physically, spiritually and emotionally. In the last day or so I responded to a comment in which I stated I am prepared for what lies ahead. I realize that has become like just a pat, routine answer. Something made me stop and really think about it. I realize that yes, there was indeed a time when I was prepared both emotionally and spiritually, prepared to go home whenever the Father called me. I feel I have let that state of preparedness slide. I am not sure becoming complacent or something. Maybe, it is I am not as prepared as I once was or as I would always like to be. Dying is kind of a big deal for all of us!!! If you know it is coming wouldn’t you want to be as prepared as you can. Well guess what? I know I am dying but I also know you are dying, timing is the only difference. I may be on a bit more of an accelerated plan but really how do you even know that.

It is 6 or 7 years now that my family and I have been dealing with this. When I first heard the you are dying words come out of my doctors mouth it set me into a bit of a tizzy. I think back and it was very shortly after that, that I learned of the brain tumor. When you know you are dying some how learning you also have a brain tumor makes that tumor almost irrelevant and inconsequential. I wonder how many people can say they learned they had a brain tumor and their reaction was, it’s not big deal. With the dying business it was no big deal. Emotionally and spiritually I was in a state of turmoil. I knew I had at least a little time left and I decided to make the best of it and prepare myself spiritually and emotionally. I was certain in my mind I did not have long to go. I “knew” I would not see my next birthday, but then I did. Then I was certain I wouldn’t see my daughters birthday, but then I did. Some how time just kept rolling by and I just kept plugging away. I did reach the point where emotionally and spiritually I felt I was prepared. That gave me a feeling of peace and internal serenity, knowing I am ready and can deal with what ever comes my way.

Ok, I was prepared, but for reasons known only to him, the Good Lord seemed to be not ready to call me. Time kept rolling by and I am still here plugging away. Some how through this my feelings of not seeing my next birthday was replaced with a feeling of I have another 10 or 15 years left in my yet. I even survived another heart attack in there somewhere. I became cocky, complacent. my daily prayers and meditation began to slip until here I am now.

I am not sure why but over the past 4 or 5 months that cocky feeling of I have a good 10 or 15 years left in my has gone. I am feeling uncertain about this year. i need to get back my sense of being prepared the peace and serenity that comes with it.

I found this blog helped me gain those feelings in the past and I am hoping it will do it for me again. I have to go back to the beginning. but I will get there.


7 Responses to Dying Man’s Daily Journal – Lost Peace and Serenity

  1. souldipper says:

    Bill, a woman who is a Medical Lawyer (no dummy) died and came back to life. She remembers her experience in the afterlife and chose to come back to share these insights. She says everyone comes back with a gift and hers is “memory”. She knows that is meant to share this with any who will listen. This is so profound, I simply have to share it with you. If you look at Nanci’s DVDs and really dislike them, please remove this comment. I deeply believe, however, that this is valid. It enhances all the bits and pieces I’ve heard in Hospice. Here’s the link for the first video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFDI-jgFVqs&feature=related

    I do thank you for the referal to the site, I found it facinating and will be checking futher into it. I recommend all check it out.

  2. planetcity1 says:

    Happy New Year’s Bill. 🙂

    I thank you so very much and send the same good wishes right back to you

  3. eirikr1965 says:

    Bill thank you for your honest sharing, once again. To face these issues the way you do requires some courage and is of consequence.

    Perhaps the uncertainty also has come about from the Blog since, listening, you have taken in many different opinions and broadened your sense of connectedness-as opposed to being isolated with your own thoughts-building a fortress of solitude which we are naturally apt to do. I know I do in my situation with my son- a situation few can comprehend. But I too find that to be complacent and I too have reached out through writing in order to connect to others’ opinions and “takes” on things to establish a new balance. Being open and accepting is hard when your struggle is that of survival.

    Finally, as a practitioner of (alternative) medical therapies for over twenty years I know that “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak”. Truly this means that when our bodies are getting tired, mechanisms working less, it affects our outlook, our resolve.

    We are after all living in union of spirit and flesh in this existence, so naturally there is dialogue between the two. Therefore I say that when you feel your focus fading a bit, hold fast to who you resolved to be since the tired body can strip us of our acuity.

    I thank you for this comment. This blog has brought me so much love, joy and understanding but you are right, there are times when it would be easier to, as you but it build a fortress of solitude. Climb inside a shell and just stay there away from everything. On occasion I do that for a day or so but just can’t stay there for long.
    I know my rest is important, if I get over tired spirits are indeed more like to sag. I work it and am usually able to work my way through it as I will this time.
    Hope to hear more,

  4. Afia says:

    Hey Bill

    The first day of a new year, and you remind me what it is to be human…. how we by nature become complacent, cocky as you call it, and at some point, we realise, are reminded, and we do something about it, replenish our spirits. Are we not the gardeners of our souls? These winter periods of hybernation, are a natural process and perhaps to rest. Then as the season changes, so will our work on ourselves, that steady weeding and preperation; nurturing ourselves, recharging our spirits – and again, inevitably, we will fade as the season changes and so it goes on, our cycle, as someone here commented on – that union between spirit and flesh….. Anyway, its my simple understanding, and that we are all doing the best we can. I am going to be kinder to myself in 2011 Bill, I’m going to be focused and Bill, I’m going to have fun!

    Hi Afia, it is nice to hear from you again. Excellent comment, we reap what we sow and the more work we put into our “garden” better will be the harvest/outcome. I have allowed negativity to creep into my mind set of late. I need to do some weeding and focus on recharging my spirits.
    I thank you for this comment and hope to hear more from you

  5. Mel says:

    Well….I won’t lie. I’ve been here a couple of times and read this. And I’ve failed to leave a comment–mostly cuz when I read things two things happen. I feel for the person who writes it, and then I immediately start searching ME.

    The words ‘cocky and complacent’ fit. My immediate thought went to ‘where’s those insurance policies….’. Yeah, well….they’re hidden under a bunch of ‘stuff’. That’s a pretty good indicator of where I’m operating out of. Leastwise it is for me. And in my brain I know–the further out I get, the closer I am to losing what I have. Kinda like ‘the further you get from your last drink the closer you are to your next’–I know that’s true cuz I know what my brain can convince me of on any given day.
    I have a screwed up brain. LOL This isn’t news to anyone who knows me (as you well do!). (and I didn’t think a brain tumor was a big deal when I was dealing with out of control Leukemia either….LOL…funny how that works, eh?)

    But as you well know, I know all about ‘cocky and complacent’. And I know what that does for me in the long haul. I lose sight of what’s really important. I spend my time foolishly. And I earn myself some regrets–none of which I can truly afford…..and that’s not truly what I want for my life, in my relationships with others and with my Maker.

    You’re right. (even though it wasn’t about MEMEME–it was about me…*sigh*) I have today. And it’s a glorious day. Worrying about tomorrow, spending the day trying to control what that is going to look like–a dumb waste of energy on my part. And another good indicator of what I’m operating out of, huh?

    I’ll blame fear.
    Frankly, that’s the driving force in the complacency and cockiness in my life. (great link souldipper shared–I clicked and will be going back!!) And it’s probably a dose of fear that’s serving as the awakening to get me back on track to what’s truly important to ME today.

    I’m not where I was when it comes to leaving the planet.
    No. I’m not where I wanna be in the ‘living what’s important’ deal.
    No. I’ve moved far from ‘acceptance’ and ‘peace’ with my mortality…..and in my relationship with my Maker and others.
    No. I don’t wanna stay ‘here’….in this place where I’m restless, irritable and discontent.
    I relish ‘peace’.
    I know what brings me that.
    I imagine you know as well.

    ((((((((((( Bill )))))))))))))

    You’re loved hugely and without condition.
    Darn good thing I am as well.

    (((((((((((((((( Bill ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Thanks for sharing what you did.
    *I* needed it.

    (And boy it was nice to hear from Afia again!!!!)

    ((((((((((((( Afia )))))))))))))))))

    I hear you Mel, I am right there with you. It seems many of us are in the same boat. Maybe we can all work together to get us all back on track.

  6. pattiredd says:

    Ah, the feelings and thoughts that a new year and a new decade bring upon us. I got my cockiness and “take-in-for-granted” attitude tarred and feathered since December 23rd. Now, after a week of being barely able to function – I am up today with pretty clear eyes, a sort of put on right head (LOL), and I’m glad to have made it to over to the other side of another physical reminder that I’m dying.

    I’m not sure what we all think through our experiences…but know that I tend to do the same as you – – forget my lessons and start taking life and it’s attendant beauties for granted. It happens so easily and subtly. But, don’t worry. That’s because of one major wonderful thing: WE ARE HUMAN!

    So Bill, today take a moment out and thank your God that you are HUMAN. We’re all dealing with death in one manner or another. What you give in your blog here on-line is appreciated and needed. Thank you for expressing your humanness – it is refreshing and honest! Stay true to yourself. That’s all that you can do. Thanks for being here!

    pattiredd, it is I that thank you for being here and for sharing your supportive comment. I am glad you made it to the other side of that physical reminder. You are so right we are all human, with the strengths and weaknesses that come with it. I am thanking God for each day I am allowed. I do hope to hear more from you

  7. Freda says:

    It’s strange that I came to look at your blog updates when I have today, because this morning the Other Half and I were remarking on how often we refer to one or the other of us dying. He says it’s normal, and I guess there is truth in that. One thing your blog has emphasised for me, is that it is very important to make the most of each day. Every Blessing as you face the future.

    Blessings to you my friend. You are right make the most of each day as it comes.

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